


1 of 6

by Laureles



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Child Abuse, Happy Ending, M/M, Self-Harm, Yaoi, multiple rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-06 23:52:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 103,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8774659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laureles/pseuds/Laureles
Summary: Merlin is happy when his mother remaries, but soon he finds his life controlled by the man he would have to call his family. While finding about his sexuality, about his feelings, Merlin gets confused, ashamed and hurt. There seems to be no way out. It is estimated that one of every six boys and one of every four girls get molested or sexualy abused before the age of eighteen in USA. While I'm not american and in my country the numbers are much more vague becase of the lack of research of the subject, I find it alarming that in modern western sivilisation, or anywhere at that matter, the number can be that high. This fic is written to rise awareness to the subject and it is dedicated to those who have suffered in hands of others. Was it physical, mental or sexual abuse, I wish it had never happened. No-one deserves to be abused.





	1. Moving

The big city, he was moving to the big city. Merlin still couldn't comprehend the fact that he was going to move to the big city! He was so excited! He and his mother had always lived in a small country village. Just a few fields, a couple of cows, nothing special. Everybody knew him and he knew everybody. He had felt a long time already that he didn't belong here and now he had a change to see the wider world. Awesome!

It had been a couple of months now that one rich Uther Pendragon had come to visit Merlin's home village to negotiate about buying some land. He was planning on building a factory here on the rivers edge where Merlin lived with his mother. The villagers were thrilled for not only would the factory bring work to this poor corner of a land but also Pendragon concern would have to build a new road for the factory. Needles to say, the old one had seen its better days…

The only one hesitating was Hunith. She would get a fair price from her run down small cottage but she had always said that all her memories were there. She had, of course, thought of moving before, if not for herself, then for her son. To a better place with better schools and more life that she knew Merlin graved. But she had no idea of what to do or where to go and with what money, so she was stressed, even more now that the decision was forced on her. Still she had no say in this matter because sadly, she didn't own the land. But had the situation turned itself upside down! Uther Pendragon had come himself to make an offer for their house. 

Uther Pendragon was a business man who ate other business men as breakfast but for some reason he had stayed in their house for over two hours and when his secretary had come to inform him that they had to leave soon, Uther had made sure to arrange a new meeting with Hunith. So when he came next time with flowers it didn't surprise Merlin very much.

After few more visits, Hunith received a very nice sum from her house and Uther made sure that it was only demolished when it was absolutely necessary. That took four months. In those months, Uther visited often and when Hunith came to Merlin's small room one night, Merlin already knew what this conversation was about to be. Uther had asked Hunith to move in with him. Of course Merlin was also welcome to move with her and now Hunith was asking Merlin if it was ok. Merlin didn't have much opinion, he had nothing against the man who seemed to like her mother very much so he actually had just one question to his mother. "Do you love him?" He asked waiting the answer to be clear but instead his mother looked a bit pained. "Oh Merlin, that is the question I have no answer myself."

Merlin was shocked to hear that kind of answer, for his mother had always been a very determined woman. "What? But you have been with him like months now! And I thought that you always said that you don't want an 'ok' man because-" but his ranting was cut off by his mother "I know! I know… it's just… he is not a bad man he… he is nice. And he is considerate and he seems so genuine. And I'm thinking of you also, he…" The pause was long enough for Merlin to return the favour and cut in "Me? Really mom, that's so cliché that it's not even funny, you don't have to think about me, why would you think about me? And please don't say a father figure!" 

His mother sighed. "Merlin… I don't think you understand it now, but I'm the only one here who have never had a man to help take care of you and even if I hadn't been reluctant to take another man after your father, well lets be honest, there really haven't been much choice here has there?" Merlin thought about old man Ben who raised (surprise) sheep and young Eddie who was closer to his age than his mothers. 

"I know." Merlin said knowing his defeat. "But I don't need a father! I have you and I'm happy!" He still continued in a tone much surer than he felt. Hunith sighed. "Merlin love, I know that you want to live in a bigger place than this… you are special, not like the others here, I know you." This made Merlin feel proud if a bit uncomfortable, his mother did know him. But he was already 13… How lame it was to be understood by your mother…

"So you are saying that you are going to get married because I want to move to a bigger place?" He asked now a bit of humour in his voice. It wasn't like anybody was there to witness his close relationship with his mother. "Merlin! Of course not! How dare you!?" Hunith said, but her tone was more amused than angry. "And who is talking about a marriage here anyway?!" Merlin laughed briefly but got more serious when the smile on her mothers lips faded. "You are talented. You are much more intelligent and meant for much greater things than the other children here." Merlin frowned briefly for the use of 'children' but didn't say anything. "In a bigger city and a better school you would have a better change of learning all the things you want and- and also I- I think that I could do something myself." At this Hunith smiled shyly and Merlin couldn't be anything else than happy for his mother. He had felt a long time that one of the things separating him from the other youth in this village was his interest of world and the disinterest of other people who lived here. He also knew that his mother (and maybe father?) was the source of that. The only times he could really show this part of himself was when he was talking with his mother. This of course was something that he would never tell anyone… 

"If I had a man supporting us, what do you think, am I too old to start studying?" Hunith said almost shyly. "Maybe I wouldn't be any good but, you know I have always been interested of medical studies and now maybe I could, you know just to test it out and…" Merlin recognised his mother was rambling so he stopped her "Mom, you would do great. How about a nurse?" He knew full well that was what her mother had always wanted to try and from there on they spent a good while discussing the possibilities for Hunith and her studies. 

"So, can I take it that you would be fine with me going to live with Uther?" Hunith finally asked shyly. "Mom, I really don't see any bad pointers here and if you are ok with it, then I guess I'll just be happy to see the big world. The only thing I'm going to miss greatly is James Millers jokes…" James Miller was a middle son of a farmer who lived two houses nearer the school Merlin attended (with everyone else here) and was the constant annoyance for him. James wasn't the brightest one out there and he had this habit of waiting Merlin in the annoyingly long walk for school and making weird noises when Merlin walked (which had made some of his friends laugh when they were in 3th grade). Hunith grinned and again Merlin was reminded how much a friend his mother was to him (he wasn't sure if he felt happy of pathetic for that). 

"What about Will?" His mothers question surprised Merlin and it wasn't the easiest of questions. "I'll miss him," he answered truthfully "but I can always call him." He said with a grin. For a moment he thought that his mother had a weird look on her face, but it faded away quickly. "I'll tell Uther tomorrow that we are moving, but I guess it will be at least another month so sleep well this night and we'll start packing when everything is settled." His mother finally said and Merlin nodded at her smiling a bit too brightly in order to get some peace of mind for Hunith.

Just a moment later Hunith closed the door of Merlin's room and let Merlin ponder on his thoughts. Merlin was quite sure that she thought he needed some time to think this over, but in reality there was no need for that. He had never felt this excited. Not even when Will had dared him to climb on the roof of the old mill and the roof had given away.

Will… Merlin would miss him. Will had been his only friend who he felt comfortable with, his best friend. Merlin was friendly by nature so he got along with most of the villagers but he wasn't that close to anyone. He just wasn't very comfortable with them and most of the things they were interested in, bored Merlin to death. In a community this small it was a fine line of being insider or a total outcast. He knew he was different, he just didn't know how yet. For now he could just act like the rest of them but sooner or later he would be cast away as a weirdo or he would have to pretend all of his life with polite greetings and favours. He knew this and he knew that Will knew. That's why he could rely on Will. Would everything be different in the big city? Maybe. Would he not need Will anymore? Of course he would. Will was his best friend and he would keep in touch with him for sure. 

With a final thought if the bed would be softer in the rich Uther Pendragon's house, Merlin fell asleep.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The new school was huge. He had been expecting it, but seeing the mass of students in hallways was still overwhelming. Still, the curious looks Merlin had waited for, never came. There were so many students that even they couldn't tell if he was a new or not it seemed. However, everything was so… so alive! So vibrant and so many different groups of people… So different from the world where everyone knew what kind of furniture every single one of your schoolmates had or how many sheep their family owned. 

"Hah! See how he runs!" Merlin snapped out of his amazement and frowned as he saw a kid chasing coins that had apparently fallen from his purse that was on the floor. Merlin stopped one of the coins with his foot and directed his speech to one arrogant looking blond, his maybe-to-be stepbrother.

"That's enough my friend." Merlin said in an even voice. In his old community that would have been enough to address the situation, but now he had a whole hallway full of eyes looking at him and the said blond was all eyes himself. "What did you call me?" came a reply with quite an alarming tone. Merlin had to think for a moment but came up with an answer fairly quickly "a friend" he said with a neutral tone. "And are we friends?" came a reply in a tone Merlin should have recognised to be an intimidating one. "No" he replied fast "I don't think so." He finished calmly.

"So it was your mistake then." It wasn't a question. "Yes" Merlin replied which made the blond grin satisfied. "I don't have friends who could be such an ass." This didn't seem to make the other party happy, but some in the hallway started laughing. This just encouraged Merlin but made the blond seemingly angry. "I could take you apart with one blow." Arthur said with a certainty in his voice. "I could take you apart in even less." Merlin replied automatically and regretted it as soon as he had said that. He wasn't a type to fight and what little he knew about Arthur, he did well in about every sport and was a part of football team. It wouldn't end well for Merlin. Besides, couldn't he count? Less than one… ugh, Merlin, way to go… 

Arthur seemed to know that too, because now he looked smug. He raises his arms in mock surrender and said "Go on and get me then." When Merlin did nothing he continued "come on." mocking all over his tone. Merlin felt that he had no other choice and plunged to Arthur who dodged easily (of course) and bend Merlin's arm painfully behind his back. "We need to talk." he hissed in a low voice and started dragging Merlin to another location. 

Merlin soon found himself pinned to a quiet corner which he actually felt relieved for because of the lack of masses and audience. He was not used to so many people staring at him. "Stay out of my business." was the first thing Arthur said. Merlin was actually a bit surprised to hear his voice because he had totally forgotten that Arthur had said they needed to talk. His hand was still painfully bent and Merlin couldn't turn to face Arthur, but he still managed to say "So you want me to let you be a prick?" Arthur bent Merlin's hand with more force which made him lower to the floor. "I don't need advice from some country pumpkin like you." Arthur spat and with a final squeeze, he let Merlin go and disappeared. Merlin took a moment to massage his sore arm and calm down. 'What a prat' he thought as he went back to the crowd in order to navigate to his next class. He was quite sure he didn't like Arthur very much.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Arthur was pissed. His day was ruined. God, he hated his life right now! He wasn't exactly revolted by the idea of his father remarrying but boy was he pissed of because of the changes in his house hold. Merlin and his mother, Hunith, had moved in about one week ago and the changes were everywhere. His father had been smiling all over the place, something Arthur was not used to, Merlin had gotten the room next to his, the one that had been Morgana's until she had left home about four years ago and by God how much noise could one boy make about how fabulous his new room was. Like he had grown up in a barn or something… 

Arthur had always worked hard. He had done everything he got to make his father proud of him and now the said man was taking a second son and fussing about him at every opportunity… And that- that Merlin couldn't even be quiet and just … be! But he had to make noise of how awesome his room was, how big their school was and how something everything was. God! 

Arthur decided that Merlin was not his brother in any way. He wasn't even going to exist for him.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Merlin managed to find his class room in time (for a change). It was biology, something he had always felt interested in. He liked to learn how the world functioned. Was it a plant or a human, everything was a part of a bigger picture. He saw Arthur sitting few seats in front of him and he couldn't stop himself from thinking that there were Jameses everywhere. 'This must be one of the down sides of moving to a bigger city, there are bigger bullies.' He mused trying not to ruin his generally good mood.

When his day was over, Uther came to pick him up with his awesome car. Merlin had never been good with cars and anyway the only cars he recognised were the Coronas and Escorts the local farmers owned. Uther's car had been the talk of the week when it first was spotted in his home village. It had soft seats and working air conditioning + heating! For Merlin that was his favourite part of the car because he got easily cold. And that Arthur stayed in the school for football practices every day was an added bonus, Merlin didn't have to see him for three hours after school when Arthur got a lift home from someone older from the team.

When they arrived Merlin's new home, he couldn't stop marveling the space and neatness and fashion of the decor. The entrance took to a nice big living room that had ceiling up to the second floor. The stairs that started from the side of the living room took to the second floor where was first Arthur's room, second Merlin's room and finally Uther's study (which was private but Merlin was not interested because he had seen it already) On the other side of the stairs was a huge kitchen, a dining room and after those a master bedroom. All the bedrooms had their own bathrooms and master bedroom led to the gardens. There was also an inside garage with a connecting door next to the stairs. To Merlin this felt like a dream. A very luxurious dream. 

Merlin only realised he had stopped in the middle of the hallway when Uther came to hug him from behind. "I'm glad to see you like my house." he said. Merlin felt happy that his stepfather had accepted him as a part of family and he turned and hugged him briefly before saying that he has to do some homework and he went to his room. 

When Merlin closed his door he still couldn't believe that this really was his room… It was almost as big as their house in the village! He had his own bathroom right next to the door at right side and in the opposite wall a huge closet. Further in the room opened to a much wider layout and his bed was in the right hands side with awesomely soft mattress and linen. On the left hand side there was a couch and in the end of his room was a desk and a big window so he could see their yard and some scenery (because of course the house was build in a hill with a great scenery!) 

The furniture wasn't picked by him, he had heard that Arthur's sister who had already left home to study in university had lived here and she had decorated the room. To Merlin's relieve she had quite plain and not girly at all taste. His sofa was comfortable and light violet in colour. His curtains were white with some violet and silver and his desk massive wood and bed cover was dark violet. There was not much else and Merlin didn't have much opinions or belongings, so he had just arranged everything he owned to his desk and his closet. The desk was so big and it had cupboards on both sides that Merlin had been able to put all of his books inside it, so he didn't need a bookshelf like Arthur had.

'This so makes up for having to have an idiot for a brother.' Merlin mused before he took his books and started to do some homework. He didn't want to let his new stepfather down who was obviously very strict about grades. Merlin understood this and studying was not a problem for him anyway. He was just glad to have some challenge he never could have in the village, he didn't have to be careful about having too good grades, in the small village one could easily became bullied for being too smartsy… 

He liked it here. He felt like home where he could be himself like never before. The only down sides were that he missed Will, he wanted to share this all with him at least once a day, and the prat who luckily wasn't that much home anyway because of all the football practises. 

'I really lucked out.' Merlin thought before he started to read his homework assignment for the day.


	2. New family, new friends

Christmas came so soon. Merlin had used so much time to get adapted to his new life that he had barely noticed the holiday season creeping to its place. He had always loved Christmas. Usually Merlin and his mother would have gone to Will's and he would have had good time in a loud and goofy way with Will and their mothers would drink some wine and for once let them carry out every single one of their not so intelligent schemes. They would eaten too much and have some neighbours popping by. Usually someone would even get them a Christmas three from the forrest nearby and when Merlin and Will had been little (or not so little) it had been their job to decorate the tree and they would use hours on their task. 

Christmas was very different experience here. It was quiet and Merlin didn't even try to spend time with Arthur who seemed like even Merlin existing made him annoyed. They had gone to a fancy restaurant to eat and Merlin had been so stressed of which order he was supposed to use his cutleries and how he was supposed to eat the food that looked more like art than actual food that he had barely enjoyed it. He even had to dress in a suit Uther had bought for him. To be blunt, he didn't like it. Arthur had acted like he had been born in there and looked Merlin annoyed every time he had made a mistake. The house was decorated by maids and Merlin kind of hoped that he had something to do, even if the ornaments and the decoration looked amazing and far better that he could ever make. 

Too soon after that came New year and Merlin's birthday. Merlin's 14th birthday party wasn't a big party, just his mother and his new family. Will had called him to tell him happy birthday and not to get too arrogant in his city life. Merlin had laughed and told him not to turn into a sheep in his country life. Hunith had given Merlin a necklace she told him in secret had belonged to his father. It was three swirls forming a symmetrical pattern in silver, a triskelion. Merlin put it to his neck immediately and told his mother his thanks. He felt a little bit sappy for being so close to his mother still, he wasn't a child anymore! But at the same time he couldn't stop looking at the pendant which was one of the few thing they had reminding of his father who had died when Merlin had been two years old. Merlin felt a bit proud that his mother had trusted something this valuable to him. 

In the evening Merlin had gotten a cake his mother could never have afforded and a cellphone from Uther. A cellphone! He was so thrilled about his new cellphone! He had always been jealous to Will who had a computer in his house and when they were like ten, they had played some computer games with it when Will's mother hadn't needed it. Merlin's mother could have barely afforded a land line… And now he had a cellphone! With all the latest cadgers and all. He would so rub this on Will's face when he had the change! He also got his own bank account and a card to use for himself. When he saw the amount he had goten in it he felt his eyes bulge. He could get anything with that kind of money! 

"Wow" was the only thing he could say while Uther just laughed. Hunith on the other hand looked displeased and Merlin quickly caught on "Thank you mister Pendragon." he said as politely as he could "Please, Merlin, we are a family now, call me farther or Uther if you feel like it." Merlin just smiled and he felt himself grow fond of his new …father. 

From Arthur he got a glare that said that he wished Merlin a rotten birthday and that he himself had gotten a cellphone when he had been like three years old.

Merlin chose not to care. He stayed up late just watching the fireworks their neighbours were firing. They were fancier than those he had seen in his home village and the view from his window made him able to see so far. He really liked his window.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After standing up to Arthur, Merlin noticed that he was getting some attention in his new school. It was a bit unnerving for him because he wasn't sure how to react to it all. After the school started again, it hadn't changed that much even if it had toned down. Most of the people talking about him didn't seem to have enough decency not to check if Merlin heard them or not, but not enough nerves to actually come and say what they thought to his face. That was until Merlin met Gwen. Gwen was a prettiest girl Merlin had ever talked to (and who was willingly talking to him). She had curly black hair and copper skin. She didn't wear any make up and she smiled genuinely and seemed smart and funny. 

"I saw you when you stood up against Arthur before Christmas." She started when they happened to be waiting for a class to start. "I'm Gwen, by the way." She said and gave Merlin her hand. Merlin smiled at her warmly. He didn't yet have any friends here, not that it had bothered him much, he had so much to get accustomed to. "Right, I'm Merlin." He shook her hand. "But most people call me idiot." He continued. Merlin had heard some of the gossipers call him that and he had heard Arthur definitely call him that. Gwen looked at him denying "Oh, no! I thought you were brave!" Merlin found some humour in her statement. It wasn't like he took offense on the comments and he found Gwen's attempt to make him feel better a bit funny. "It was stupid." He said not feeling like he had to defend himself. He had been stupid to challenge Arthur to a physical fight. "I'm glad you walked away, you weren't gonna beat him." Gwen continued catching on with a smile on her face. Merlin looked at her and laughed. That was funny. And with just one comment he felt that they were in the same wave length. 

"I could beat him." He said a bit to make her stay and mostly to make her laugh. Gwen laughed and Merlin smiled in triumph. "You think?" Gwen asked him sarcastically which made Merlin laugh too. "Because you don't seem like those big muscly kind of fellows." Gwen continued and Merlin's smile faltered. "Thanks…" he said unsure of how to react and Gwen seemed to notice it. "I don't mean that you couldn't beat him… It's just that you don't look like those big, save the world kind of guys… I'm sure you are stronger than you look!" Gwen tried to save herself but Merlin only could look confused. He heard the contradiction in Gwen's words even thought he had a feeling that Gwen didn't mean any harm. At most, he still kind of felt that she was funny. 

"Anyway, it was great you stood up on him." Gwen finished looking at Merlin sounding a bit careful on her words. Merlin just smiled at her and said "You think so?" Gwen seemed to find a bit more courage and she said enthusiastically "Arthur's a bully. And everybody thought that you were a real hero." Merlin looked at her skeptically but feeling happy inside "Oh really?" He asked and Gwen nodded happily "Mmm-hmm." She just answered. Merlin grinned at her. Normally he didn't make friends this easily, but now he felt like he just had. Gwen smiled at him and when the class started, they sat next to each others and made silent comments during the class. It seemed that Merlin had made his first friend.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That same day Merlin was reading a book in the living room couch when Arthur arrived home. He looked tired and grumpy and there was a slight limp in his right leg. He didn't seem to notice Merlin who remained still and didn't much more than glance at Arthur. However when Merlin heard Arthur's voice talking with his father, Merlin got interested. The tone of the conversation wasn't nice. It seemed that Arthur had sprained his ankled and Uther was mostly concerned of how that would affect on Arthur's performance in football. Arthur made it clear that this wouldn't affect him in any way and Uther practically said that then he would except Arthur to become a captain next year. Arthur tried to tell his father that it was rare for someone who wasn't in the final year to become a captain but Uther wouldn't listen "Rare but not unheard of." was his comment. 

To Merlin this felt weird and unjust. Arthur was already good with everything. Why was his father demanding him to be exceptional also? And with something like football… It just didn't seem right. Merlin had seen Arthur's temper and he was waiting for Arthur to protest or even start a fight, but none of that came. There was a pause and after that Arthur just simply said "Yes, father."

Merlin had completely forgot his book then. When Arthur walked to the stairs he finally noticed Merlin who was now openly staring. Arthur frowned at him but said nothing. His father would have heard it. After Arthur had disappeared upstairs, Merlin couldn't help but think again why Arthur was acting like he was. His life wasn't as easy as Merlin had thought it had been. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After that Merlin watched Arthur and his relationship with his father more closely. He noticed how Arthur seemed to feel some of the pressure build on him was unreasonable and at times he protested or tried to explain himself but every time the conversation would end with a *yes father*. Merlin also noticed that every time Arthur went somewhere other than to school or football practices, it was to study with his friends or to play football. Merlin also noticed how tired Arthur was at times. Merlin started to feel guilty for thinking that Arthur was a complete jerk. He himself didn't have that kind of problems with Uther. He seemed to understand somewhat that Merlin's old school wasn't the best and Merlin was quiet and studied anyway and he really didn't have any extra activities or places he wanted to go, so Uther kind of just let him be. 

Merlin called Will a couple of times a week and that was enough for him. He hanged out with Gwen at school and with a huge library in his school and all the books he could loan from there or from Arthur's book shelves (when Arthur wasn't home), he had everything he wanted right here. The only thing he missed was snow and doing stupid things with Will, but there was nothing he could do about that, so he had gotten used of spending time inside with a book in his hands. 

One day Merlin was reading a book in the living room (again) when Arthur came home. Apparently he had ran to his father outside and they were arguing about something. "… I have to go out sometimes, father. It's just a birthday party!" Arthur was for once sounding like he wouldn't give up easily "You have a big test coming up, I'm not sure that you have time for that." Uther must have been talking about the test of Shakespeare's 'the Tempest'. That was next monday. Merlin had finished the book and he was all right, but he knew Arthur hadn't even started, he had heard him complain about it to someone of his team. "Sometimes it's not about the test, father. I have to be a part of the team if I want to lead the-" Arthur whined and Uther seemed to falter a bit, but still he continued with a stern tone "The school is more important than the football. I want to see you to succeed in the future." Arthur seemed sour and he was ready to argue more when he saw Merlin in the living room watching at them. 

Arthur looked at Merlin frowning. "I don't see him getting this kind of treatment. Why is it that he is different?" Arthur asked frustrated and Merlin didn't like that he was pulled into the conversation. "Do not blame others. I was talking about you and your lack of effort. I'll have no more of your complaints. Go to your room and use your time to something useful!" Uther was clearly in a bad mood and in the end Arthur turned on his heels and stomped his way to upstairs. Merlin tried to return to his book hoping that Uther would be gone soon. He succeeded on it quite well. Uther didn't address Merlin and he soon disappeared into his study and Merlin was alone again. 

It was then when Merlin could definitely say that he didn't like the way Uther talked to Arthur. Merlin had alway gotten permissions to go to his friends not just for parties or for special occasions but also whenever he wanted to just have time with them. It felt unfair that Arthur couldn't go to see his friends even though he was working so hard on everything.

Merlin kind of felt a need to contort Arthur, even if he had no idea what he was actually going trough. He looked at the book in his hand and realised that it was Arthur's. He could go and return it. Normally he would have returned it when Arthur wasn't home, but now he could use it as an excuse. He made his way upstairs and knocked Arthur's door. It didn't take long for Arthur to open his door looking angry. His expression soon changed to one with annoyance but he still moved from the door, not closing it. Merlin took this as an invitation and he stepped into the room. 

"I loaned your book… " He said handing out the book he had been reading. Arthur looked at the book like it was something unpleasant. "It would be polite to ask first if you are going to take my belongings." He said with a bitter tone. Merlin frowned at him "It's not like you were using it anyway…" He said and Arthur rose his eyebrow at him. "Alright, I'm sorry I took it without asking you first." Merlin agreed to Arthur's unsaid words even if a bit reluctantly. Arthur just sighed and took the book from his hand and threw it on the shelf with more force than Merlin thought was appropriate for books. 

After Arthur turned back from the shelf, he spotted Merlin who had not moved and frowned. It seemed that he had expected him to be gone at the time he wasn't looking at him. "Go on. I'm sure you have something more important to do." Arthur said dismissively at him and waved his arm in front of Merlin's face like he was shooing a dog or something. This irritated Merlin to no end. This was no way to treat people.

"Prat." He voiced his opinion which was clearly a mistake. Arthur now glared at him and took a step forward making Merlin to take one back. Arthur looked furious. "I just thought that you could use some help… I have already read the book and I have notes…" Arthur's expression didn't change and he hissed at Merlin "I don't need your help." Merlin rose his hands in front of him in defence and tried not to roll his eyes. "Alright, alright, do it yourself then…" He said and he was already planning on leaving when Arthur practically yelled at him "Get out of my room. Now!" pointing at his door. Merlin had to roll his eyes now. He exited the room muttering something about prats and Arthur slammed his door shut just millimetres behind Merlin's back. 'So offering help is a no-no… Right.' Merlin made a mental note for himself. The prat could keep his troubles from now on. Merlin just hoped that he wouldn't get dragged to Arthur's and his father's fights anymore.

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It was like every other evening. Merlin was sitting in the living room reading a book and Uther and his mother were watching news "… LGB community has marched in town to raise awareness on sexual freedom. They have started a discussion of legalising same sex marriage and are now here, in front of parliament house to demand someone to speak with them in question they have sent in advance to the members of parliament. "We are here for equality and for those who couldn't come here today for the fear of their jobs, families or even the safety, we are." At this point Uther changed the channel. "Faggots, what an unstable world this has become." 

Merlin looked up from his book, this kind of response was not new to him, he had been raised in a country side after all. Still, he had never had anything against different people. When those in his class had spoken with the words their parent had given them about how niggers were like parasites eating from the table and taking their jobs, Merlin had always thought that they must be stupid if those who came from a country far away and not even speaking the same language could take their jobs. And some of them could spare some of the their food judging by their waist. But He wasn't used to hearing this kind of talk in his family. 

He looked at his mother and noticed that she also looked uneasy. Merlin knew that his mother was soft hearted and tented to take the side of the weaker and the sick, so he wasn't too surprised but still there seemed to be something else… Maybe she didn't want to say anything when they had just moved in? Maybe she would think again if she thought she and Uther were too different? Merlin sure hoped she would not. He was just starting to get used to living in this house that seemed like something out of tv and he had even made a friend in his new school which he loved. Also it would be super embarrassing to move back to the village and meet all of his neighbours and listen to them whisper about how he couldn't make it the snob world… 

Luckily Hunith stayed quiet and she and Uther started to talk about something else. Merlin relaxed again and went back to his book once more. Maybe this luxurious life would continue after all... 

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The winter was turning into a spring. Merlin, even though he had everything he needed or wanted in a material sense, was getting bored. He still didn't know much about the city he was now living in and it was hard to go anywhere alone. Uther was mostly busy and getting a lift to anywhere was quite hard. Gwen's brother, Elyan, would drive his drivers license at summer and after that Gwen said that if their father could afford a car, maybe she could bribe Elyan to drive them somewhere. Merlin couldn't wait that to happen. It wasn't that they never went out, but it was always a family thing, to go to eat or shop or whatever and that mostly meant that it was Merlin and his mother (for example shopping new clothes for Merlin, Uther would just drop them to a shopping centre and pick them up later) or in some occasions the whole family meaning that Merlin had to put up with Arthur, who had made a habit of either ignoring him or calling every mistake he made. Hunith had tried to make peace between them, but even Merlin knew she didn't feel confident enough to tell Arthur what he was supposed to do, so it was mainly trying to join their 'conversations' and pacifying them.

Merlin missed Will and his company and when he told this to his mother, Hunith had looked sad and confessed that she too, was lonely. She told Merlin that she had started to look for a school for herself seriously. "Uther approves, he also thinks it would be good for me to get myself something to do… It's not much that I can do in the house after all…" The house had a maid and a cook to take care of most of the household work. Merlin had first tidied his belongings out of habit, but soon he had noticed that if he just left his bed unmade or his clothes to his bathroom, they would do themselves and appear into his closet folded and ironed. The only thing he had to do himself was keep his desk tidy, the maid wouldn't touch his stuff. He never saw the maid that cleaned, she came five times a week when Merlin was at school. Still, Merlin had the school and homework to keep him occupied, Hunith had nothing. His mother must have been bored to death.

"I think it's a great idea! What have you found?" They talked a lot after that of what Hunith could do and when were the entrance exams and so on. Merlin even agreed to teach her some chemistry he had learned at school to freshen her memory. Merlin was happy, that would give him something to do and to focus on and his mother was again more animate, like she had been all Merlin's life before they moved here.

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If Merlin continued being bored even after starting to teach his mother, Arthur on the other hand seemed like he had so much to do that his time couldn't possibly be enough for it all. Merlin rarely saw him (which he didn't mind…). Arthur was either in the football practices or in library or holed inside his room or kicking ball around in a small field in their garden. Merlin had thought couple of times offering his help again, but after he remembered how well that went last time, he had dismissed those ideas immediately. They rarely talked for other purpose than calling each others names when neither of their parents noticed. 

That day however, Arthur's was pissed of. Merlin had his door ajar and he heard clearly when Arthur first stomped to his room before opening his door with so much force that it hit the wall. Merlin waited to hear a slam, but it never came. Instead he heard something crash to the floor that sounded an awful lot like a stack of papers and books alongside something that could have been breakable. Then he heard other noise and he got curious. Uther wasn't at home and Hunith was visiting a bookstore, so Merlin was the only one home and Arthur wouldn't have any need to demonstrate his frustration for Merlin, so Merlin couldn't help but get a little bit worried. He had never been one to leave troubled alone, much like his mother, and even thought he didn't like Arthur very much he still felt obligation to do something.

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Arthur was breathing hard his hands on his now clean desk. He had thrown everything around his room in frustration. He had gotten a biology test back today and it wasn't very good to say the least. It didn't help that Merlin had gotten full marks. After that his football practice had not gone well because he had had trouble to concentrate, his mind trying to find excuses for his father desperately. When he had gotten home, everything had seemed to piss him of. The empty silent house, the overly polished wooden stairs and when Arthur had seen his room, just cleaned and neat and ordered, he had snapped. He hated the growing stack of papers and books on his desk. He couldn't do this all… why did he have to do this all? He had no idea.

"Wow, way to make a mess…" Arthur spun around only to see Merlin in his door way looking puzzled. Seeing Merlin also annoyed Arthur, but he had used all of his energy just now, so he just settled on saying "Go away." and turning back to facing the wall. He hoped that it would be enough, but when he heard Merlin's steps coming closer he knew it hadn't. 'How thick can this idiot be' He thought and his jaw clenched. He spun around ready to yell the idiot to collect his bones and disappear from his sight before he would make that happen, but it all died in his throat when Merlin wasn't standing where he had expected him to stand. Merlin was kneeling on the floor and collecting his books and papers to neat piles. "I know you have a maid, but don't you think it's better to make her day a bit easier too?" Merlin asked calmly not really sounding like he wanted an answer. Arthur didn't have anything to say to that, so he just stared at Merlin who had now moved to collect his couch pillows and gym clothes from the floor. 

"I saw you in gym you know." Merlin said calmly while picking stuff up. Arthur didn't know how to answer this either, so he just continued staring. "You were good. Not great but… good." Merlin seemed to pick up Arthur's lack of effort to the conversation. Arthur had to turn again to hide a smile that tried to form its way to his face. He knew he had been great, he was the best in the class, in the whole school even! Something about how Merlin said it made it seem… funny. 

Arthur tried to form a comeback based on Merlin's performance, but Merlin beat him to it."I sucked." Arthur smirked "Of course you did." he said to the desk he was currently looking, but there was actual humour in his voice. "Hey! I'm sturdier than I look!" Merlin defended himself automatically, but seeming to collect himself soon after. "What I mean is that you could let me have biology if you are going to ace in sports anyway." he said in much softer tone. This made Arthur turn his head and he met Merlin's eyes. "I mean… do you even like biology?" Merlin asked. 

No, Arthur never got very interested in biology. Or any other subject that had essays in it. The answer must have shown on his face because Merlin smiled widely and took the freshly stacked pile of books and lifted it up. "I never liked sports either." Merlin said and dropped the neat pile of books and papers next to Arthur on his desk and with that Merlin walked out of Arthur's room. 

Arthur looked at his room just to see that it was the way it has been before his tantrum. Even his couch pillows were in order, door closed and his desk was actually more organised than it had been. He couldn't help but laugh. 'This idiot really made my day huh?' Shaking his head in amusement he took his crumbled test from his pocket and tried to make it presentable to show to his father. He got what Merlin had meant, one couldn't be best with everything. And he could just read better to the next one or even, God forbid, ask Merlin for help. Arthur shuddered at the thought but nevertheless smiled at himself. He was so never going to tell Merlin he had thought that. 

At the same time in his room, Merlin felt quite sure he had been right, because Arthur hadn't tried to rip his arm off or anything like that. Merlin had to smile. 'Guess he's not so bad after all.'


	3. Doesn't hurt to look, right?

After cleaning up after Arthur's tantrum, Merlin noticed Arthur's mood towards him change. Arthur had relaxed a bit and it seemed to be a positive cycle. His grades went up a bit and even Uther seemed pleased. Merlin had to work harder now, he didn't want Arthur to get better than he was. He felt that his grades kept him on upper ground and after he had stated that he liked biology and made a point of how that correlated with his grades, Merlin kind of felt that he would let Arthur down if his grades weren't better than his. Merlin didn't mind about the extra work though. Now he had a mission and it kept him occupied. 

Arthur still called him idiot and Merlin answered with everything he got, but it was different. Their insults didn't seem to be out of resentment anymore, but more like something Merlin had been used to do with Will. Like they were…friends? Maybe not yet, but still Merlin realised that it was more fun to see Arthur in a good mood rather than annoyed and when the school year ended, Arthur actually smiled at Merlin. A real smile. 

Something shifted inside Merlin then. Suddenly Arthur was everywhere. Of course without school and much less football practices, Arthur was around more but Merlin found himself noticing every time he entered the room. Merlin noticed his clothes, his mood and his movements. When Arthur left, Merlin felt he wanted to go with him. It felt weird and unnerving so he never said anything and he avoided talking to Arthur if he didn't talk to Merlin first. 

Still their relationship seemed to change to a closer one. Merlin was able to joke with Arthur who seemed to find Merlin's humour funny now that he was used to it. That made Merlin feel good with himself in a way he hadn't experienced before. Seeing Arthur smile just made his day a little bit brighter. His smiles made Merlin smile also.

Merlin's mother got in to the nursing school that had been her first choice. It was a bit far away, but it was in the same direction Uther's main company building was so she could get a lift from him. It was well respected and they had schooling program for adults. Hunith was thrilled and Merlin was happy for her. Her semester would start first of september, two weeks after Merlin's school started again. Uther took them all to a fancy restaurant to celebrate and finally Merlin felt that he knew enough to feel confident and relaxed enough to actually enjoy his food. Once he was about to mess up but Arthur kicked his leg lightly making Merlin realise his mistake. He looked at Arthur feeling thankful. Arthur pretended not to notice, like he hadn't done anything. Instead he made fun of Merlin when he didn't recognise something on his plate, but Merlin just found himself joking with him and in the end they both smiled making Hunith happy.

It was still until august when Merlin realised that his thoughts of Arthur were getting more and more frequent and while at first they had been mainly thoughts like 'I like to see him laugh' or 'I wonder if he's coming home soon' or 'that's a nice shirt'. Nowadays they seemed to be more and more like 'He looks good in that' or 'he looks handsome when he smiles' or 'I wonder what his chest feels like'. This made Merlin more nervous with himself. He was glad when school started again, he thought that he must have gone a bit crazy being howled up in this big and too empty house (in Merlin's opinion). He couldn't wait to see Gwen again who he had only called during the summer. 

When the school started again, they had to arrange the transportation again. Arthur told Uther that he would run to school from now on. He needed the exercise and he could shower at school. Uther had agreed on this because Arthur made a good point of how it would benefit him and how now was the time to rise his aerobic fitness for if he was made to be captain, he would need to be the best. He also told Uther that if he got to be the captain, he would need a car which Uther told him he would get as soon as he turned 16 if he was able to rise his grades and get to be the best in his team. To Merlin these conditions seemed unreasonable, but Arthur seemed motivated. Merlin would have to ride with Uther alone from now on and it made Merlin a bit nervous. He had tried to think Uther as his father, but he had soon realised that that was not going to happen. It wasn't that Uther didn't seem alright, but Merlin was slightly intimidated by his strictness and lack of humour. Uther rarely showed any interest towards him when his mother wasn't around and when he did, Merlin wished he hadn't. In a way he feared that Uther would start demanding him the same level of achievements than he did from Arthur. Sometimes Melin also saw Uther watching him and that made Merlin extremely nervous. He hoped that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

After Uther had taken Merlin to school, he would come to home and work in his home office for some time and then take Hunith to her school and go to his office. He would then come to pick Merlin up from school and Arthur would get ride from Elyan (who had gotten his drivers license). Hunith would take a bus and walk the rest of the way (the area was so fancy that there was no bus going trough it). Uther had offered that she could take a cab if he couldn't come and pick her up, but Hunith had told him that she would rather walk, it was good to get some fresh air anyway. In the end Uther had agreed to that.

The first school days were filled with teachers telling them how important this year was and what was expected of them. In a way Merlin started to feel how this system might not be the best. Of course the classes they got were top notch and the teachers were highly knowledgeable of their subjects and the class rooms, library and technology were all new, but to Merlin it felt that they didn't … care so much. The teachers hardly remembered even his name and they kind of expected the pupils to make the effort themselves. Of course some of the teachers did care, but some really didn't. Merlin had also learned that knowing much of some subject didn't automatically make one a good teacher. 

It took Merlin until wednesday he ate lunch with Gwen and he realised that while Gwen's smiles made him happy, it was different. Somehow it was different. "Isn't she beautiful?" Gwen pointed to the crowd and Merlin had hard time spotting where she was pointing. "I mean look at those wavy curls and that oval face… I mean it's not like I want that kind of hair but just noticed." At this point of time Merlin had learned that Gwen had a habit of correcting herself thinking she could cause a misunderstanding so he just grinned while trying to spot who Gwen was talking about "I don't see…" he had to admit after few seconds. "There, right in front of the cashier now." Gwen tried to signal the direction for Merlin without actually pointing the girl. 

Merlin turned his head one more time and he saw her, yes, a pretty girl with wavy blond hair and doll like face. He realised he had seen her before, but he just hadn't think of her as that special. "Oh, her…" he said uninterested "Really Merlin, she's not your type huh? Tell me what is your type." Gwen said now grinning like Cheshire cat and leaning forward, closer to Merlin. Merlin felt heat rise to his face and he wished this conversation would disappear and never come back. "I guess I like um… blondes?" He didn't sound too convincing even to himself and Gwen didn't buy it either "Really…?" she said with a doubt in her voice. "Yes really, what is your type anyway? For example, who would you chose in our class if you had to?" He challenged as much to know and to take the pressure from himself. "I don't really have to." Gwen replied making Merlin actually curious on the subject. "Just hypothetically." he pressed. "But I don't have to." Gwen replied in sing a song voice. "I bet you wouldn't know your type if he sat right next to you." Merlin huffed at her and grinned not really meaning anything by it. He concentrated on his meal again feeling relieved that he didn't have to answer Gwen's question. Gwen on the other hand blushed and had to turn her gaze to something else than Merlin. 

"Oh, there's Arthur, how rare." She suddenly said forgetting their conversation. This made Merlin look up from his meal. Arthur usually ate somewhere else, but now he was walking straight to where they were sitting. "Mind if I join you?" His question was directed to Gwen and when she nodded, Arthur didn't even bother to look at Merlin. "Yes, we do mind. We don't want any dollop heads in our table." he said just to annoy Arthur who now gave him his full attention. "I have to inform you Merlin, that is not even a word." Arthur said in a manner that told Merlin that he could still end up in the stew on today's menu. "If it was in biology textbook, you wouldn't even know." Merlin still shot back. He liked to live dangerously with Arthur nowadays. Arthur chuckled and let it be. (To Merlin's surprise.) "I'll kill you later but I had a reason of coming here to sit with an idiot like you." Arthur just said with an almost amused tone. "And what might that be other than to marvel at Gwen's beauty?" Merlin asked jokingly and to his amusement Gwen giggled and Arthur blushed. Merlin laughed at them until Arthur threw his fork at him.

"Seriously you are such an idiot Merlin! It's impossible to talk to you!" After that Merlin let him explain how he needed Merlin to be his lab partner and explain to their teacher that Arthur will be in next time because today he had to run some errands for football because… he is going to be the captain! This last part he told proudly grinning and Merlin couldn't help but smile with him. After that Arthur ate quickly and left to find their gym teacher who also was in charge of the football team. 

"Since when did you get along so well?" Gwen asked as soon as Arthur had left. Merlin kind of knew, but he still just shrugged his shoulders and told her that these kind of thing happen when you were forced to live with someone. Gwen giggled at that too and Merlin felt again like blushing "You are the worst!"

Gwen just giggled more.

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In the lab Merlin didn't have much to do. The class was boring and the teacher was mainly telling what they were going to learn in this semester and arranging lab partners which Merlin already had, so he used his time to ponder on himself. He thought about what Gwen had asked him and he realised that he really didn't have a type of girls that he liked but… with boys it was different. He liked tall, well built type, but not too muscular like those body builders. He preferred short hair over long but not too short, like normal, not coloured, natural. A bit like Arthur… Yes Arthur was a great example. He smiled a bit to himself. What a stupid thought! Like he could have a crush on Arthur. Their parents were dating! But still… it didn't hurt to like his looks, right…? Right…

He knew that he had been looking at Arthur and even now when he thought that he would normalise, it seemed that it just got stronger. He liked how Arthur looked and he liked his smiles and the way he wasn't hating him anymore. At this point Merlin chose to concentrate on the class, it would be highly embarrassing to continue this line of thought here. 

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Arthur reached the class just when it was about to end. He handed the teacher a note from PE teacher and after that he caught up with Merlin. "So how did it go? Anything I have to know?" he asked clearly in good spirits. It made Merlin a bit happy. "Not really" Merlin tried to remember if there was anything worth mentioning. "We should complete twenty lab exercises and we will need everything we have learned until now… oh! And Gwen is paired with Vivian and is devastated right now." Merlin grinned at the mental image of his friend hitting her head on her table after trying to explain something to Vivian. Arthur laughed "That I know! My father is friends with her father, she can be a handful. But if I had to choose from some others, she's not so bad…" 

There was a feeling… Merlin couldn't put his finger on it, but he didn't like that Arthur practically complemented a beautiful (rude, but still beautiful) girl. "Well you know what they say about blondes…" he said and Arthur answered without thinking "Yeah… hey!" This made Merlin laugh and dodge as Arthur tried to hit him lazily. "Come here!" Arthur yelled as Merlin tried to run, but Arthur was faster and he took Merlin by his neck and knuckled him in the head "Ow, ow, ow, ow all right!" Merlin yelled but his laughter gave him away. He really did like Arthur's attention.

As Arthur released him, Merlin found himself missing the contact. 'Am I really serious? Could I really have a crush on him? Could I really… like boys?Could I be…gay?' Merlin felt weird of thinking this thought, like he wasn't even supposed to think that word. Still he suddenly felt … in a way right? Relieved? He wasn't sure. Like a question he had never known he had to ask but the answer had always been inside of him. He really had to think this over and luckily Arthur had to run to his football practice and Uther was going to pick Merlin up so they had to separate. 

On his way to the parking lot Merlin thought this thought over and over in his head. 'It would make sense… ' he had never really liked girls or paid much attention to them. Male body had always been much more interesting to him. Still, he had to keep this to himself. He remembered what Uther had said that one night about homosexual people and he seriously didn't want to get on the wrong side of his mothers partner. 

Uther's car was already parked when Merlin reached the entrance. He flung the front door open and sat next to Uther. "I expect you to be on time tomorrow, Merlin." Uther commented as soon as the door was closed. Merlin felt bad, he knew he was at fault. He had been slow on purpose and Uther had taken time from his busy schedule for him "Sorry, I won't be late in the future." Uther smiled little at Merlin's reply. He placed his hand on Merlin's tight which made Merlin a bit uncomfortable but it was ok, because Uther removed his hand soon to start the car. "I'll trust your word on that." He said and Merlin smiled at him politely. 

Their way home was silent and Merlin was happy with that. He wasn't yet used to talking with Uther, he had noticed that even Arthur didn't talk to his father much and even that was formal most of the time. Or fighting, in the most formal way Merlin had ever witnessed. When they reached the house, Uther once more placed his hand on Merlin's tight, closer to his crotch this time and said "I trust that you remember to be early tomorrow." and released his hand only when Merlin had replied "yes" to him, without a smile this time. 

When Merlin got back his ability to move, Uther had already opened the door on his side and was climbing out of the car. Merlin opened his seatbelt and moved quickly. He wasn't sure what to think, he was happy to have some attention from Uther who was busy and talked rarely to him or even Arthur but he wasn't used to this kind of touching. But then again, he had never really had a father… He decided that maybe Uther just didn't realise that to Merlin it seemed a bit weird to touch someones tight and he let it be.

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In the evening, after dinner Merlin returned to his room. He went to shower which he still found luxurious to have in his own room. He striped his clothes and threw them into a basket that the cleaning lady would empty every wednesday and saturday. Luxury. 

While showering Merlin's mind turned to Arthur again. He thought of Arthur in the gym locker room and his lean back and his chest… Merlin's hands started to wander to his crotch and he took his now hardening member in his hand. He kept his eyes closed and imagined his hand to be Arthur's. It felt good. He imagined Arthur's chest against his back and strong arms around his waist, touching him and soon he came with a small "ah!"

As he felt his member pulsating in his hand Merlin took support from the wall. He felt a little bit dizzy. 'I really have to be careful with this.' he thought as he realised how he had just masturbated at the thought of his possible stepbrother… He, however, didn't have time to think about it more as the bathroom door suddenly opened to reveal Uther. "You have been in shower for a very long time, I hope you are alright in there." his words were concerned but somehow Merlin didn't think his voice was. 

"I'm fine" he mumbled trying to cover himself as well as possible without being impolite. They were after all both males so he shouldn't feel embarrassed but as Uther's eyes kept looking at him up and down he felt really uncomfortable "Um… I'll be out soon, I'll just… rinse." he tried. "Of course." and with that Uther left and closed the door behind him.

Merlin sighed with relieve when Uther was gone. He felt adrenalin pumping in his veins. That had been too close. What if Uther had sawn him at it? Could he had asked what he was thinking? Maybe not… that seemed weird thing to ask, but still… Merlin felt a bit too transparent. Uther didn't usually come to his room and the timing just now had been horrible. Merlin made a mental note never do that again while in shover. But Merlin soon dismissed his uneasiness, he could just feel relieved that Uther hadn't come earlier. And even if he felt a bit weird how Uther had watched him, Merlin told himself that it was completely normal. It wasn't like he hadn't been seen by his classmates and such in gym. What was the difference really?

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Being Arthur's lab partner was fun. Merlin liked the feeling that he knew and understood more than Arthur and even more that he could make Arthur learn and make his eyes lit when he finally understood something. But the down side was that Merlin kept noticing Arthur too much. He often caught himself staring at some insignificant movements he really didn't have to oversee or even just a strained hair or open top button could catch Merlin's attention. He told himself every time that he should stop and that he was being weird, but at the same time he couldn't make himself really care. Anyway, what could a little looking hurt? It was not like Arthur was noticing and their relationship was getting closer while they had to work together so everything was good, right? 

Some nights Merlin ended up masturbating. Not in the shower anymore, he felt more confident under his blanket when he could hear and see immediately if someone came into his room. He fantasised about male bodies against him and never women. He had kind of tried that too, but it seriously did nothing to him, so he had dismissed that experiment quite fast. It didn't bother him that he got turned on at the thought of naked men, but just a bit too often he found that Arthur was the centre of his day dreams. Just something in him made Merlin more hot and come quicker than anything else he could make up. Some days he felt weird talking to Arthur, but he still could separate his fantasies from the reality, so the weird feeling was short lived and so Merlin didn't think it as anything too serious. 

One night after he had cleaned himself with a tissue, he really stopped to think what is this all? Was he really gay? He liked male body yes, but what did it really mean? Merlin laid on his bed thinking how it would be if he was in a relationship with a man. How would everything happen? How would his life be different? Who he could talk about it? Or even tell? Could he find himself a boyfriend and have a life with him? How could he even find someone else who was like he was? Was there a difference in gay people? Like some kind of roles? Who would be on top? Would he be on top? No… not really. It wasn't like he was sure, but more like he felt that he might end up being on bottom and he felt a need to know if he was ready for it. Merlin touched his bottom and it felt a bit exciting, but when he pushed his finger in, it hurt. It felt too dry. He needed something to lubricate it. 

The next day Merlin asked if his mother had some kind of lotion, for his dry skin, he explained. Hunith told him he could take anything from his bathroom and Merlin chose the most oily and slick lotion he could find. He felt a bit ashamed for lying to his mother and using her lotions like this, but his desire to try out what he had planned, was stronger.

That night Merlin took the lotion out and slicked his fingers with it. He hesitantly touched his bottom and pushed his fingers in. It felt a bit weird and moving his finger caused him discomfort and even some pain, but after he touched his front at the same time, he actually started to feel pretty good. He tried to move his fingers again and to his surprise, the same movement felt entirely different. It took some time Merlin could find the rhythm for his front and back to make it feel good, but eventually he did it and it felt great. It was just in a whole new scale and Merlin found himself getting slower just so he could enjoy the feeling more. Then a sudden thought of it being Arthur who was doing this to him, made Merlin come. 

He had to pant a while holding the hand out he had used to capture the mess he had made. He really wanted Arthur. This was too much. He couldn't be like this. He had to keep this secret. Merlin came to face the reality of how much people would hate him if they knew he was gay, he would become one of those people who he had seen in tv wearing makeup and rainbow flags as capes, but there was no measurements to describe what they would think if they found out that Merlin was not only gay, but had lust for one of the most popular kids in the school, Arthur, the captain of football team, his live-in-maybe-to-be-step-brother. That just wasn't right.

After that Merlin made sure that no-one could see him staring at Arthur. He kept his eyes to himself as much as possible, but when he saw Arthur in gym locker room or just doing whatever in the house, Merlin would still take everything and store it to his memory. He kind of decided that this was going to pass and he would just have to wait for it to pass. Meanwhile, if he had urges, he would just have to take care of them by himself at night. That was going to be his weakness. 

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One day they went as a family to some boring dinner party of Uther's business associate, Merlin tried to find some attractive features from the other quests. Of course that wasn't very easy given that most of the quest were close to Uther's age, but there was some younger quests and waiters too. Merlin could find some things he found attractive. That was good. At least he wasn't only after Arthur, but still, he couldn't find anyone as capturing as Arthur. Somehow it felt like it wasn't just the looks. He found one very nice looking waiter with black curls and lean, well balanced body type. His clothes also fit perfectly and his vest made his back look very nice. But as soon as Arthur opened his mouth to comment something to Merlin, he forgot the waiter in seconds. 

That night Merlin was about to touch himself, trying to remember how the waiter had looked like. He was under his covers and about to lover his pyjama pants when Uther opened his door. He didn't even knock. Merlin tried to make himself look like he had just been going to sleep. He even closed his eyes pretending to be asleep, but Uther closed the door and came to his side. Merlin felt so uncomfortable right now and it didn't get any better from there on. 

"What is it that you have been doing?" Uther asked in a cold tone and Merlin found himself getting stiff from stress. He was unsure of what to do and what Uther knew and that made him scared. "I was just getting to sleep…" He tried but Uther didn't seem satisfied. Although he didn't say anything, he was making Merlin uncomfortable. He had no idea what to say or do. "I know what you have been up to." Uther finally said with the same cold tone. Merlin felt his mouth go dry and his worst fears surfaced. Could Uther really know?

Uther looked at Merlin's night stand and Merlin felt his blood freeze. He had left the lotion he had gotten from his mother and some tissues there out in the open. "You dirty little faggot. I know." Uther said with just a bit more than a whisper and Merlin felt like he was falling. It was like being on a thin ice with no idea of what to say or do. "I have seen how you look at men and how you want to be touched by them." Uther continued leaning closer to Merlin with every word. Merlin felt the ice brake and himself sink. What was there now? How could he turn this around? Would everybody know? "I- I didn't mean to… I'll stop now. I really will!" He tried sincerely, but Uther's gaze became even harder. "I know your kind and you never change. You are dirty to the core." 

Merlin felt pain to his deepest parts of his heart then. He felt all his feelings and they twisted to be something dirty. He had wanted Arthur and he knew it was wrong, he liked male body over female body and that he had heard was wrong. He had thought that he would get over Arthur, but he hadn't thought himself that horrible for preferring men, but now Uther had told him that he was and that he wouldn't change. That scared Merlin. 

Uther smiled coldly at him. Like he had won something. "I guess you want to keep all this as a secret…" He said with a slick voice. Uther was now hovering over him, leaning to his bed post looking imitating, but Merlin felt a bit relieved at his words. Secret meant that nobody else needed to know anything. "I'll keep this secret, if you are willing to do something for me…" Uther whispered now a little bit more gently leaning even closer. Merlin could just look at him confused. He had no idea what he meant but even if there was a nagging thought behind his head, he refused to listen to it. He nodded really slowly actually making just the smallest movement that could be called a nod. Uther straightened up and lifted the blanket that was still covering Merlin. 

Merlin flinched and curled a bit into a ball trying to hide himself. Uther looked at him in the same way that Merlin remembered he had looked at Merlin when he had been naked. This made Merlin selfconscious and uncomfortable and he felt a need to snatch the blanket back and cover himself even if he had full pyjama on. "I think you will make me happy, very happy indeed." Uther said in a seductive voice and pulled Merlin to sit up. Merlin was petrified. He could just watch when Uther took Merlin's hand and put it on his crotch. He moved Merlin's hand up and down and while he was doing that, Merlin could feel Uther getting harder and harder. "Now, take your pants of." Uther said only command and coldness in his voice and Merlin looked at his eyes. He didn't want to strip but Uther's gaze hardened and he said with a scary voice "Now." Still, Merlin couldn't move. Only his hand was moving and that was only because Uther had his hand on top of it making it move. "Do it. Or would you like that I'll tell your mother about this?" Uther asked and Merlin had no doubt that he was being serious. 

Merlin stood up with shaky legs. Uther let go of his hand and stepped back so he could see Merlin better. "I'm sure you wouldn't want your mother to know what you have been doing with her lotion…" He said slowly making Merlin feel deep shame. Why had he had to be so stupid and take the lotion? And use it not only once but many times, over and over again. He lowered his pants slowly and Uther again stepped right in front of Merlin. He took a hold of Merlin's boxers front and gripped Merlin's penis trough the fabric. Merlin flinched. The grip wasn't gentle and it was close to hurting. "So small and yet you want to be fucked by men…" Uther said and Merlin felt shame about his size even thought he knew that it wasn't the problem here he should concentrate. 

Uther took a hold on Merlin's forearm and spun him around and against his chest. Merlin yelped and froze at the sudden contact. He felt claustrophobic and too close to Uther. He wanted to struggle, but then Uther started to pump Merlin's thing up and down and Merlin froze not believing what was happening. He felt uncomfortable and scared of what was happening, but still he felt himself getting hard. Merlin was horrified. What was happening to him? He started to squirm but Uther held him tighter. "See how much you want this, see how dirty you are… disgusting." Uther's words made Merlin feel tears burn in his eyes and he felt all of his strength leave him. He could just watch how a man who was part of his new family squeezed his semi erect member one last time before pushing Merlin off of him. 

Merlin had to take a hold of his bed post in order not to loose his balance. When he turned around to look, he saw Uther exit his room. Merlin sat on his bed and hugged himself shivering violently. He felt cold and exposed. He looked at his pyjama pants that were lying on the floor and he quickly grabbed them to put them back on. He felt like they had been evidence lying where everyone could see them. He also looked at his night table and he took the lotion and tissues. He walked to his bathroom and threw the tissues to a trash can and the lotion to his cupboard. He pushed the cupboard door close with too much force and rested his weight to it's doors breathing harshly and covered with cold sweat. 

That night sleep didn't come easily for Merlin. He felt that his privacy had disappeared and that he was not safe. He was ashamed of himself and his body and there was nothing he could do with it. He thought over and over again what he should have done or shouldn't have done, but in the end he had no answer of how he could have avoided what had happened besides not wanting Arthur or men over women in general. Why did he have to be like this? Merlin had never liked attention nor had he been very confident with himself, but he had also never cared that much of other peoples opinions and he knew he had been different his whole life. But now he felt like everyone could see the very core of him and that it was wrong. He was wrong… Merlin fell asleep feeling scared. How was he supposed to face anyone tomorrow?

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The next day the school felt cold and intimidating. And too big, definitely too big. Every time he saw someone looking at him or talking about him, Merlin felt ashamed and afraid that they knew exactly what had happened. That they weren't talking about how a new, weird kid had challenged the one popular football captain to a fight, but of the weird, new kid being discussing, wrong, faggot…

The hardest part was to see Arthur, coming fresh from the showers, looking bright and energetic. Merlin avoided him the whole day. The second hardest thing was to face Gwen. He almost prepared himself to the end of their friendship, but Gwen was chipper as always. It made Merlin relax and he kind of started to feel like he was in a different world than in the one he had been in his bedroom. It felt weird but comforting in a way. In school he wasn't dirty and he had no weird thoughts. With Gwen he felt like a normal person and her company made him forget himself after a while.

It was the final class that made Merlin uncomfortable again. It was PE and he had to change in front of everybody in the class and wear shorts and t-shirt while seeing Arthur do the same. That was hard. He had avoided looking at Arthur before, but now there was so much more fear than before. Merlin didn't know how to hide his want and the only thing he could do was to try to think something, anything else than what he was currently doing, where and with who. It took at least two basketballs to his head and at lest hundred sighs from Arthur to make Merlin try to concentrate on what he was supposed to do even after half an hour after leaving the changing room. For a while he tried to forget Arthur and all the other class mates and only concentrate on the bouncing ball. It didn't go too well and after a while Merlin's concentration slipped and he dropped the ball he was supposed to catch. Arthur yelled at him in frustration "Oy! Merlin! Where is your head today? Forgot it at home?" Usually Merlin would have had something to say back but today he just felt like a lover human being and he mumbled something like an apology. 

Arthur put his hands on his hips and Merlin couldn't help but think that Arthur was good looking in his shorts and slim fit shirt. That didn't help his dilemma. "There is something about you today Merlin, I can't quite put my finger on it…" Arthur said musing and Merlin felt a sting in his heart. Did Arthur know what he was thinking? Merlin again felt like all that he was, was in the open for everyone to see. And the most importantly, Arthur could see everything and Merlin would never live that down. The coach blew his whistle and Merlin took his opportunity. "I'll take the ball to the storage room!" He said quickly and ran off. 

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Arthur looked after Merlin. There was something off. He was behaving differently, more uneasy. Arthur wasn't sure since when did he care, but he did and he felt like Merlin was hiding something from him. He didn't like that. It felt like Merlin didn't trust him and that hurt Arthur. He remembered how he had used to make fun of Merlin in quite a mean way and others too. Teasing them if they were from country side or if their families weren't as rich as his was or just because they seemed different. Arthur didn't want Merlin to feel that he would still do that to him and Arthur had to reflect at his behaviour. He felt stupid and ashamed of himself. Arthur decided that he wouldn't bully anyone anymore. He didn't have to anymore, actually. He felt more calm these days and his act was more of a habit than a way of venting, like it had used to be. And he had to thank Merlin for that.

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The following weeks Merlin tried mostly to survive. Uther came to his room from time to time and he always told Merlin to take various parts of his clothes off. Merlin would do as he was told because he was too scared to tell Uther otherwise. He tried to separate himself from the situations and tell himself that it was nothing, but it didn't help much. When Uther touched Merlin's privates, Merlin usually felt at least some kind of reaction and it scared Merlin every time more and more. Some times Uther would make Merlin touch Uther's thing and that felt even more weird and disgusting for Merlin. Uther's erection felt somehow too adult and the way it grew hard made Merlin disturbed. It was too much. He wasn't ready for this and this just wasn't how he had imagined it. 

It took at least the first period for Merlin to get used to being at school. He had learned that people couldn't tell that he had been touched or that he was gay, but still he was nervous most of the time. Arthur would talk to him sometimes and he ate with Merlin and Gwen every other day. At home Arthur usually was busy and Merlin had stopped spending time in their living room, so he saw Arthur less and less in their home. Arthur felt like a school friend more than a family member to Merlin. Gwen had commented how Merlin seemed to get along with Arthur much better nowadays and how he had good influence on Arthur because she hadn't seen Arthur picking up on people anymore. Merlin wasn't convinced and he felt wrong when he, Arthur and good were mentioned in a same sentence. He seriously couldn't think anything he did as a good thing if it included Arthur… He was most likely doing or at least thinking the exact opposite of good. He was weird and his thoughts were unclean.

Uther picked Merlin up from school every day. Some days he would put his hand in Merlin's pants and not just to feel him up trough boxers, he put his hand inside all the way. Merlin had a mantra of 'it's not real, it's not real' he kept repeating until they got home. He had tried to tell Uther that he didn't like him doing that, but Uther had just squeezed him painfully and told him how he had gotten hard and how he liked it because he was a faggot. Merlin didn't know what to say to that. Uther was an adult Merlin had learned to fear and respect (in a way that Uther was respected by others in his very successful business life) and he had no choice but to believe in his words. That left Merlin even more hateful towards himself and more scared of that anyone would find out. He felt that what ever the situation was, if people were to find out, they would blame Merlin before Uther without a doubt. 

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The winter was nearing and the air was getting colder. It made Merlin more depressed. He didn't like cold very much. It was alright when it was really a winter and snow and stuff, he was used to that and he had always liked to be outside playing around with Will. But this wet, miserable cold with barely degrees over zero, with no hope of snow made Merlin so cold and this year he was feeling cold on the inside too. Merlin avoided going outside at all if it was possible. That wasn't very hard actually, he still had no reasons to go anywhere, he was driven to school and back home everyday to an inside garage and the only times he left the house besides school anymore, was with his mother occasionally and even that was rare because Hunith was very busy with her studies now. She told them in the dinner table how she needed much more effort than all the younger students because she was so old, but she was always smiling and Merlin knew she enjoyed herself. Merlin felt some comfort when he saw his mother so energetic, but at the same time he felt like he was letting her down with not only being gay, but also by not having enough energy to be happy with her. Merlin felt bad for moping around, but when he saw his mothers bright smile, he just couldn't make himself smile equally back at her. His smile felt forced and false to him. He hoped it didn't show.

It was late october when one night Hunith asked Merlin and Arthur to come downstairs. She and Uther had something to talk to them. Merlin looked Arthur confused and Arthur looked equally confused. This relaxed Merlin some, if Arthur didn't know either it shouldn't be about Merlin. Uther was sitting in a living room and Hunith sat next to him. Merlin felt nervous under their gazes even thought his mother smiled at them. 

When Merlin and Arthur were both seated opposite to them (Merlin sat on the very end of the couch just to be as far away from Arthur as possible.) Hunith took Uther's hand in hers making Merlin feel cold in a whole new way. Uther smiled warmly to Merlin's mother and Hunith seconded the smile. Uther then turned to look at Arthur and told them what Merlin already knew he would say. 

"Hunith and I have decided to get married." Merlin felt like his life was going to its end. He could hear Arthur congratulating them politely. While Merlin's ears rang and he felt like he was falling. He only snapped out of it when he saw his mother looking at him and he forced a smile on his face. He couldn't remember after five minutes what he had said, but it had made his mother smile. There was nowhere to run now. Uther would officially become his guardian and Arthur… would be Merlin's step-brother.


	4. Lancelot

Arthur was stressed. His father had just announced that he would marry Hunith. It wasn't that Arthur hadn't expected it to happen, but it still felt a bit sudden to him. Merlin and his mother hadn't lived here even a year and Arthur had trouble thinking either Hunith as his mother or Merlin as his brother. While in his childhood he had never wished anything more that to have a real family with a mother and a father who wasn't constantly working and demanding him to do the same, now the change seemed forced on him and he wasn't sure what would change in his life after the wedding. He had no idea how he would integrate into a normal family life. True Morgana had been there for him and they had always used to take care of each others when they were small, but that had changed when Morgana had grown up. Suddenly Arthur had been air to her or worse, something to be loathed and avoided. Morgana had been his only sister and Arthur still often thought of her, even if she clearly wanted nothing to do with him. Arthur wondered if the same would happen with him and Merlin if they became brothers. Thinking it like that hurt. He didn't want that to happen.

Arthur was happy that he and Merlin were getting along better nowadays. He felt that they understood each others and sometimes he would look at Merlin and know exactly what he was trying to say. Merlin wasn't like his other friends. Merlin challenged him. He made him do better not in accomplishment wise but as a person. He made Arthur feel calmer and more confident and he never asked anything in return. It was just that sometimes Arthur felt that Merlin wasn't telling him something and sometimes he was… not avoiding Arthur, but just… not talking to him if Arthur didn't talk to him first. And he never came close to Arthur. He would sit as far as possible from him and if he had to give Arthur something, it was more that he dropped it to Arthur's hand more than handing it to Arthur. It felt a bit… insulting? Unnerving? But then again, Arthur rarely saw Merlin touch or get close to anyone else either. Maybe he just didn't like that people came too close? 

Arthur sighed. It wasn't like he would have to declare brotherly love to Merlin the second their parents got married. He could just see it out and in a meanwhile think of Merlin as his friend. Maybe even his best friend. That made Arthur feel a bit better. Maybe he could talk about this with Merlin someday? Maybe he felt the same way? Or maybe he saw something Arthur didn't and he would make Arthur see this in different ankles. 

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Merlin had already changed to his pyjama and crawled to his bed early. His mother had tried to talk with him about the marriage, but Merlin couldn't make himself seem happy or excited for long and he had ended the conversation as soon as it was possible. Now he just wanted to sleep and not think about anything. He was facing his window and when he heard his door open, Merlin jumped up before he could even see who was entering. It was Uther and Merlin's fright tuned into fear. 

"Sit down." Uther told him calmly and Merlin sat down like a machine. Uther circled the bed and sat next to him. He was too close. Merlin tried to edge farther away, but Uther took a hold of his tight and kept him still. Merlin froze, but to his surprise Uther let go of him and talked with a calmer voice than Merlin remembered hearing in a long time. He felt an urge to check if they actually had company, like Merlin's mother, in the room, but he didn't dare to move his eyes from Uther.

"I know that our marriage is sudden, but I want you to give your full support to your mother." Uther said and Merlin couldn't be more surprised. Uther sounded almost like… caring and…nice. Not so scary, even if he was still too close for Merlin's comfort. He nodded slowly and lowered his gaze. He knew he hand't been there for his mother even thought she had clearly wanted to talk. She had wanted to make sure he was alright with her decision and even thought Merlin couldn't be alright, he should at least have pretended. Merlin was about to say something, like that he would support his mother more from now on, but then Uther's hand was back on Merlin's thigh making his thinking stop. 

Uther's hand wandered to Merlin's crotch and he started to cares it slowly. There was something different about it. Maybe Uther was being slower and not so rough as he usually was, Merlin didn't know, but he responded faster than normally. "Now that we are going to be real family, I'm going to take full responsibility of you…" Uther whispered in Merlin's ear making Merlin shudder. He felt horrible. The sense of being trapped was stronger than ever and he felt his mind separate from the reality. Only when he heard Uther comment on how happy Merlin seemed 'down there' for the news, Merlin snapped back. It physically hurt to see himself hard trough his pyjama pants. He tried to close his legs and push Uther's hand away causing Uther to squeeze his thigh so hard that the pain caused Merlin to yelp. Uther opened his legs even more they had been and Merlin felt shame and he regretted trying to get away. 

"Your mother wants what is best for you, she doesn't know what a filthy faggot you are." Uther's words made Merlin close his eyes. Like that would help if he didn't see himself. Uther's tone was now far from that he had started with. It was angry and more like hissing that speaking. "See, this is what you want, you want men to touch you and you like it." Uther continued and Merlin could only hate himself. Hate himself for being gay, for liking men and not being able to control himself. He felt dirty. He squeezed his hands in tight fists and tried his hardest not to cry. With a final squeeze, Uther let go of Merlin. He stood up and walked to the door. "This will be our little secret Merlin, no one will know how filthy you are and I'll give what you want." Merlin flinched to his words like he had been hit.

After Merlin heard the door of his room close, he hugged himself. He was shuddering violently. Everything felt so unreal. His feelings and his body reactions and what was happening around him didn't match or make any sense. He felt that he had no control over what was happening. It all felt like a distant dream, or more like a nightmare, that kept squeezing him even when he was awake from every direction. He had no idea of what was real sometimes and what was created by his fears, and he had no way out. He looked down and his tights felt sweaty, his pants were wrinkled and his groin was just calming down. Merlin shuddered again.

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Even if Merlin had wanted to stay in his room forever, he had to go to school in the next morning. He was still Arthur's lab partner, they would change partners only after Christmas. Merlin wished that time would come soon, maybe if he could get Gwen to be his partner, he could concentrate better. While being close made Merlin feel warmer and happy in a bitter way, he felt uneasy every time Arthur looked at him and when he smiled, Merlin felt his face grow too hot and he frowned at himself turning his gaze away. It was especially bad today. He felt like he was betraying Arthur by being gay, by wanting to see him smile like this, for wanting to be close to him when he was having ulterior motives and dirty thoughts. He didn't even have to start with the things Arthur's father had done to him and how Merlin felt that they were his fault.

Arthur saw Merlin's weird mood and he wondered if he had been wrong about how Merlin felt about him after all. It surely seemed so when he kept frowning at him and adhering his eyes. Arthur felt a bang of fear that Merlin didn't see him as a friend. Maybe he hated the thought of living with him? They hadn't had the best of starts after all, so it wasn't impossible. 

After half a class of silence on Merlin's part and awkwardness from Arthur's side, Arthur had to say what was bugging him. "Merlin… I was wondering, are you alright with you know… our parents?" Merlin looked at Arthur surprised. Why was he asking this? "No… it's weird I guess… I-" He felt his throat tighten as he continued "I'm lucky to be part of your family. " Merlin could manage 'your' as to mean Arthur, but he couldn't say the same, even as a lie, about Uther. He just couldn't. 

Arthur caught the 'your' part not understanding what it really meant but he felt better. Even if Merlin's tone was a bit flat. "I guess you aren't that horrible either…" He said nonchalantly and Merlin actually found some humour in his tone and he chuckled. "It would really kill you, if you said one compliment wouldn't it?" He said with half a smile on his lips at the same time he turned to their bunsen lamp to heat his test tube. Arthur smirked at him not replying. His whole day was suddenly much better and he found himself thinking Merlin's laughing and smiling at him many times that week. 

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The school was nearing its end and December bought decorations and random Christmas song to the hallways and class rooms. Even with all his problems, Merlin found himself getting more chipper with his favourite holiday approaching. There was again colour in this world and Merlin felt his school life separating from his home life more and more. Even Arthur noticed that Merlin was happier and more open and likely to talk to him and look at him in school compared to home. Arthur didn't think much of it, he himself was more open and loud in school where his father wasn't watching his every movement, criticising everything. Merlin was just adjusting to this household and Arthur even thought that Merlin's weird behaviour was explained by him trying to adjust. It wasn't that he himself didn't have hard days when he behaved irrationally. 

The school work was piling up, but Arthur didn't stress so much anymore and that actually made remembering and understanding everything he was studying much easier. Still Arthur had a lot of pressure on himself. The school year coming to its end and the football team was relaying on him. He didn't get much thanks on his hard work, but he didn't get any complains either and if he was to believe in Merlin's words, that meant that he was doing alright. Arthur would never admit it to Merlin, but he had found comfort in those words and he often repeated them to himself after practices. After half a school year, he finally felt like he was leading the team. His team.

Then the universe decided that he had it too easy and their PE teacher and football coach had an accident. He had to leave the school for a sick leave he might never return from. At least not as a PE teacher. Their new substitute teacher was young and in Arthur's head 'young' translated as inexperienced. "Hello everybody, my name, for my parents had an interesting sense of humour, is Lancelot, but please, call me Lance." This was new and weird approach in this expensive and old fashioned school where most of the teachers demanded the pupils to show them respect by calling them Mr. and Mss. and Sir and Madam or professor. And this was not just a first name either, but a nickname on top of it all. Many seemed to like this, but Arthur frowned. He looked at Merlin who seemed to listen to the new teacher very carefully. This, for some reason, didn't help Arthur's mood at all.

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Merlin liked the new teacher immediately. There was just something about him. It wasn't even that he looked hot and that he had a very handsome face (even thought Merlin had to admit to himself that was part of the good first impression, even if admitting this to even himself made Merlin hate himself a notch more) but just somehow he seemed warm and caring and just a cool teacher. Merlin didn't care that he was young, PE wasn't that serious subject to him any way and that Lance was young and fit made Merlin think that he would be a good PE teacher. 

At some point Merlin glanced at Arthur. Even if this wasn't serious for him, Merlin knew that for Arthur it was different. PE was one of his favourites and he had football practices every day… Arthur didn't seem happy at all. He was currently glaring daggers at Lance who was still giving them a little speech of what he had done previously and what they would be doing for the last few classes. Merlin didn't pay much attention anymore. He was wondering if there was anything he could say to Arthur to make him feel better.

After over an hour of running around and doing various exercises so Lance could get a 'better picture' of their level and skills and Merlin fearing that his new teacher would find out that he thought he was handsome, Merlin was tired and for once happy that the class had finally ended even if it meant a risk of Uther touching him on the way home. The short minutes that he could just change and shower and not think of anything, would be the best part of his day, but those were now so Merlin wasn't complaining. And tree would be no more exercises for today or this week. That was important. 

Merlin had stripped, showered and put new clothes on before no-one else had even hit the showers. He had learned to get himself to the locker rooms the second the class ended and be quick. That made his life much less stressful on mondays. He was just drying his hair, moving much slower now that he was clothed and concentrating on not looking at anything or anyone partly because of the fear of being discovered and party because he really enjoyed this time when he could just be, when Arthur came next to him dripping wet, annoyed and naked effectively ruining it all. 

"Loan me your towel, I forgot mine." Arthur all but commanded. Merlin knew he should have been annoyed, but mostly he was just glad that Arthur couldn't see his face clearly with a towel on Merlin's head. Merlin took a second to brace himself before he looked at Arthur's eyes making a point that he didn't care of Arthur's naked state. He looked at Arthur's eyes and saw impatient irritation and now Merlin felt annoyed. 

"And how is that my fault?" Merlin asked even if he had Arthur's towel in his locker. He had seen it forgotten in the entrance way when he left home and packed it with his. "Because you didn't remind me about it." Merlin had to roll his eyes at Arthur's reply. He was being a thoughtless jerk again. "I'm not one of your servants." He said and turned his back to Arthur continuing to dry his hair. Arthur was starting to feel cold and he snapped at Merlin meaner than he had intended to sound. "That way at least you could be to some use."

Merlin glared at him briefly before opening his locker angrily and throwing Arthur his towel. He wished that Arthur would keep his opinions to himself when he was in a mood like this. "Here's your stupid towel. I packed it with my stuff." Merlin was expecting Arthur to leave now that he got what he wanted but instead Arthur looked at his towel surprised and then at Merlin and slowly said "Thanks…" 

Merlin blinked once and when Arthur put his towel around himself, Merlin relaxed a little and allowed himself to look at him again. "Was that an actual thank you, wow!" His voice was sarcastic, but Merlin felt warmth spread inside him. He once again expected Arthur to roll his eyes at him or call him an idiot or something, but Arthur looked a bit unsure and then he finally said "Sorry... I have just been… tired I guess… " not looking at Merlin eyes. Merlin felt good at hearing Arthur talk to him like this. Like they were close… Merlin wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he was happy that Arthur cared enough to apologise to him and he wanted to hug him and his bare chest looked so good with some water drops still dripping from his hair… 

Merlin mentally kicked himself and the warm feeling was gone. He again felt cold and ashamed. He turned to his locker and started to collect his stuff. "An apology and thank you at a same day, this must be a record…" He said trying to sound like there wasn't a turmoil of feelings inside of him. Arthur threw his towel at Merlin's face a bit annoyed but more because it was fun. Merlin took the towel off of his head really quickly and frowned at Arthur blushing darkly. "Ha! Didn't know you'd like my towel that much!" Arthur laughed at Merlin finding his blush amusing. Merlin's frown disappeared and he felt faint. He could just stare at Arthur who soon stopped laughing when Merlin wasn't responding. "Don't be such a girl, Merlin, I didn't mean that." He said still looking a bit amused. He took his towel from Merlin's frozen hand and continued drying himself while he made his way back to his own locker. Merlin couldn't say anything but after a while he felt the tinniest bit angry. 

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After they left the gym (Arthur didn't have football today because of the sudden change of teacher so he would ride with Merlin and his father home.) Arthur tried to talk with Merlin with lighter topics, but as they got closer to the car, Merlin became quieter and quieter until Arthur couldn't get him to reply anymore. Uther looked surprised to see Arthur with Merlin, but after Arthur explained why the practice was canceled, Uther motioned them both to sit in the car. Arthur took the front seat and Merlin let out a breath that he hadn't known he had been holding. He wouldn't sit next to Uther, Uther couldn't touch him. Merlin was quite sure that Uther wouldn't do anything anyway while Arthur was in the car, but he had been afraid from the moment Arthur told him he was coming with him. He had no idea of what to expect from Uther.

Normally their car rides were quiet, but now Merlin listened Uther asking Arthur how his day had been, how were the classes and how the new PE teacher was. Merlin didn't reply to any of Uther's questions and Uther never addressed him while Arthur had already answered his questions. Still, Merlin liked to hear Arthur's answers and it was easier this way when he himself didn't have to draw any attention to himself. 

After a while Uther had asked everything he wanted to know and started to comment what he had heard instead. "I hope there are not many days like this without football practices, I expect your team to win now that you are the captain." It wasn't surprising when Arthur just said "Yes father" with a flat tone, but for some reason it pissed Merlin of more than it normally did and before he thought about it, he heard himself say "Arthur was really good in PE today." Arthur flashed him an annoyed look and Merlin felt himself sink. Of course he shouldn't have said anything. He was afraid of Uther enough as it was, and his greatest fear right now was that he would find out how Merlin felt about Arthur. And he hadn't even made the situation easier for Arthur who was now cross with him too.

"Good is not good enough. I expect him to be the best." Uther said never looking away from the road and Arthur was forced to say "Of course, father" with the same flat tone he had used previously. Merlin let his eyes drop to his lap. Uther's words seemed so unreasonable to him. How much was he going to demand from Arthur? Merlin felt bad for him because he knew how tired Arthur was at times, but the same time he found himself thinking if Uther would demand him to do the same as soon as he was Merlin's legal guardian, after he had married Merlin's mother? And if Merlin couldn't do it, would he tell his secret? Or make Merlin touch him every time he didn't come out as best? Merlin watched the back of Arthur's head. He wanted to apologise to Arthur. Somehow he felt the possibility that Arthur was angry at him hurt more than the reality that kept crushing him from every side.

When they were home, Arthur exited the car taking his bag quickly without looking at Merlin. Merlin tried to go after him, but when the garage door closed after Arthur's back, Uther gripped Merlin's arm and held him still with an iron grip. "I'll have you to understand that you are in no position to talk back to me." Uther said with dangerously low voice. Merlin stilled, fear stopping every conscious thought he had. Uther squeezed Merlin's ass briefly before pushing past him and out of the garage. Merlin stood there for a long time before he didn't dare to stay anymore. He quickly ran into his room and closed his door after him. He felt so empty. He couldn't even go to Arthur now to apologise. He felt that only thing he could do for Arthur, was to stay away from him. The world seemed a very lonely place then. 

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Merlin had done his homework at least twice now and he was still reading a textbook in order not to think anything when there was a knock on his door. Merlin spun around fearing it was Uther but when the door opened, it was only Arthur. Merlin relaxed immediately and he turned back to his book. He didn't want Arthur to see his relieve. 

"I… will you lend me your biology notes?" Arthur faltered as he watched Merlin to turn his back at him. He had wanted to tell Merlin he was sorry, but asking for biology notes was the closest he managed now. 

Merlin instantly felt better, he knew that Arthur was saying sorry and it meant the world to Merlin. "Yeah, sure." He said and handed his notebook to Arthur after turning to face him. Arthur took the notebook feeling relieved that Merlin didn't seem any different from usual after all. He nodded at Merlin signaling his thanks and he was about to go, but he stopped when he heard Merlin speak. "Look... I know I don't have the right to meddle in your business but what it's worth I think you will be a great captain." Arthur looked at Merlin's again turned back. His words made Arthur happy, but he wasn't convinced. "I'm not so sure about that…" he said and Merlin glanced at him over his shoulder. 

"You will, I believe in you." He said with a soft voice and Arthur found himself believing Merlin. He smiled softly at Merlin and Merlin smiled back at him. Arthur felt something shift between them and he felt that he could talk to Merlin now. "I wish I could trust in myself also…" He had never voiced these kind of thoughts to anyone else (than maybe to his sister when they had been little) but it somehow felt right with Merlin. Merlin looked at Arthur with no signs of laughing at him or making fun of him. He just asked "Do you like football?". It was a bit weird question, but Arthur decided to answer honestly. He trusted Merlin. "I mean I can see you are good at it but do you like it?" Merlin continued when Arthur took a moment too long to think. "Yeah I guess that at least I used to like it… now, I somehow feel that all I do is in my free time is play." He answered and Merlin nodded at him like he understood "And sometimes it's too much?" Arthur nodded at Merlin. It was amazing. Merlin could turn what he felt into words. Even if it wouldn't change anything, Arthur now had the words to describe what he felt. It made him feel better.

"And I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be the best…" He continued. He wasn't sure how this was related to what they had just been talking about, but that thought was on top of Arthur's thoughts right now so he just said it. "Forget about having to be the best." Merlin's tone was now slightly annoyed and not as soft as it had been just before. Arthur eyes widened a bit "But you heard what father…" he started but Merlin cut his speech "Forget you father for a second!" he said angrily. He didn't like hearing Arthur, who he liked so much and who was so talented, so worried about opinions of a man Merlin couldn't even think without feeling ashamed. He wished Arthur would stop thinking at Uther all the time. Hell, he hoped he could do that himself. 

"You are talented and good at so many things, you have to stop worrying about your father and concentrate on the things you find interesting." Merlin shut his eyes and concentrated on not sounding angry at Arthur. "You have to make your own decisions." He finished with a clear voice before opening his eyes and looking at Arthur's eyes. Arthur was standing in the middle of his room, his mouth slightly open and eyes wide. This was maybe the most honest Merlin had ever seen Arthur. He wished he could stop feeling that Arthur looked adorable. 

"But I… do you really think so?" Arthur finally asked slowly. Merlin half smiled at him and said with a much lighter tone "Yes! You sure are a prat but I think we still have hope with you." Arthur huffed and took the nearest thing he could throw at Merlin which happened to be (luckily) Merlin's couch pillow. Merlin managed to catch it somehow but not before it had hit his face. "Hey! Way to thank me about my concern!" He complained from behind the pillow. "You're an idiot Merlin." Arthur just said, but Merlin didn't even have to see his face to know he was smiling. Merlin really liked when he smiled.

"Get out of my room!" He said in good humour and turned to his books mostly to hide his own smile and his blush. Arthur chuckled and Merlin could hear him move towards the door. "Don't think so much about your father, he is proud of you and eventually he is going to say it too." Merlin added with a serious tone hiding just a tiny bit of sadness in it. Arthur opened the door, but said quietly before he moved out "We'll see about that… " and then he was gone. 

Merlin turned to look at the closed door and he hugged the pillow Arthur had thrown at him. He felt stupid how he missed Arthur's presence already. The room felt a bit colder now than Arthur had left. Arthur's presence had filled the space with warmth for Merlin and now Merlin felt lonely again. He squeezed the pillow one last time and forced himself to turn again to his homework. He however left the pillow to the side of his desk. He told himself that it was just to save the trouble of standing up and moving it back to his couch, but at times he found himself twiddling its corner with his fingers while he worked. 'How lame could one become?' He thought to himself but still he didn't take the pillow back.

After Arthur had closed Merlin's door, he felt happier and lighter than in a long time. Half of his stress was gone and he again felt like he could concentrate. He looked at the notebook in his hand. He hadn't even thanked Merlin for it. Or anything else on that matter. He cursed himself on his way back to his room. He could have at least done that much after making Merlin listen him moaning about his problems never even asking if Merlin had anything he wanted to talk about. 'Stupid.' He thought to himself. He made a note to somehow tell Merlin he appreciated him. He really was different. He was his best friend. They hadn't known each others more than a year and part of that time Arthur had wasted on trying to forget Merlin even existed feeling too angry that he had to work so much harder than Merlin so he had missed how great company he actually was. 

Arthur opened Merlin's notebook and he saw every lesson scribbled down exactly as they had been presented by their teacher. His handwriting was small and neat if not in a very traditional way, but it was very readable. There were also side notes. Mostly they were questions on the topic and answers to the questions Merlin had probably either asked the teacher or searched the book himself. Arthur found the style very easy to follow and he learned a lot just by reading them once. The notes were much like Merlin himself. They made Arthur think and didn't let him get away too easily, but at the same time Arthur could find all the answers explained clearly and he grew to like Merlin's handwriting. 

By dinner time Arthur had gone trough half of the material which was at least twice the amount he would have been able to do normally. On the way downstairs he wondered if he could ask Merlin for more of his notes. He even remembered to (almost) thank Merlin for loaning them to him "They were useful…" He said making Merlin look happy for the rest of the meal. Arthur felt awesome. He was ahead of his schedule and he had clearly managed to say the right thing to Merlin. He didn't regret at all that his practice had been canceled today.


	5. Phone camera

Merlin hated the last ring of the school bell. When everyone else moved out as fast as they could, Merlin felt like there was lead in his feet and he only made himself move because he didn't want to stand out nor anger Uther by being late. He hated the sight of the school parking lot he saw from the open school door when he exited the building. He hated the sight of Uther's car, always parked to the same exact spot. Merlin steps felt heavier the closer he got to the car. Somedays Uther was displeased when he was 'dragging on purpose' and those days his touch would be hasher to the point it hurt. Merlin had tried to sit in the back seat again after the day they had rode with Arthur, but Uther had told him to come to sit in the front and Merlin hadn't dared to argue. Merlin tried to avoid situations where Uther would have to tell him something for he was scared even at his voice. 

About once or twice a week Uther would come to Merlin's room and nowadays he always made Merlin take his pants off along with his boxers. Sometimes Merlin had to get naked all the way. Uther locked his door nowadays and while the lock clicking close made Merlin flinch, it was also a relieve. At least nobody could walk in here while he was like this. Some times Uther would touch Merlin with his hands. He would touch Merlin's crotch, his ass, his nipples, everything. Merlin felt like Uther's hands were spreading cold darkness on his skin. 

Sometimes he made Merlin touch Uther's thing and Merlin hated that the most. He hated the smell and the feel of it pulsating in his hand. He kind of thought what did it make Uther if he was hard while naked Merlin touched him, but the logic wasn't very strong in this anyway. Merlin thought himself dirty and Uther as an adult thought that he deserved this and he couldn't judge Uther. Every time he tried, his thoughts and blames turned back to himself and he just ended up feeling everything was his fault and that he deserved everything he got. Uther kept telling him as much. While he touched Merlin, he would always tell him how filthy and shameful he was. If Merlin got even semi hard, Uther would make him look at himself and tell how much Merlin enjoyed being handled by a man. If Merlin didn't get hard, he would tell him how disgusting it was that nothing seemed to be enough for Merlin. Merlin didn't know what was truth and what was not, but he was sure of one thing. He was disgusting and his body was too.

Uther never stayed very long and it was over faster if Merlin did as he was told without delay. Still every time Merlin heard a door close or someone getting closer to him anywhere in the house, he felt fear. Even in school he avoided touch as much as possible. He felt like he was spreading his dirtiness if he let for example Gwen touch his shoulder casually or what ever. The only thing he could do to make himself forget, was to study. He would sit in front of his desk after he came from school until it was time to eat dinner and he would continue until late. He hated when Uther woke him up after he had fallen asleep, so he stayed up late to be sure he wasn't coming in anymore. This of course made Merlin tired at mornings and silent at school. Gwen joked about his tiredness and Vivian, who sometimes waited with them for the classes to start, commented once how dark circles didn't suit his face. When she said 'face' she said it like something upsetting. Afterwards Merlin told Gwen that the wig someone had put on a potato and named it 'Vivian' didn't suit the world. Gwen had laughed so hard she had needed to go to a washroom to dry her eyes. Things like that made Merlin feel better with his life and school was now a place where he could be more free and brave and safe. Uther couldn't get him until the end of his school day.

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One night, Merlin saw a dream about Arthur. He was everything Merlin had wanted him to be. He kissed Merlin softly and hugged Merlin gently. He took his shirt of and revealed his muscular chest. Merlin couldn't help himself and he touched Arthur's chest. He caressed it and when Arthur hugged him close, Merlin's hands wandered to his still clothed behind. Suddenly they were both naked. Merlin felt himself grow hard and he wanted to see Arthur more but Arthur kept him close and pressed himself agains Merlin. "Nngh…" Merlin felt so hot, so warm. He wanted to touch Arthur more but Arthur still kept him close. He lowered Merlin to a soft matters and started kissing his chest. "Art..hur" merlin moaned in his pillow as he felt Arthur flip him to his side and cares his bottom. "Aa.. Arthur…" he felt so good… he wanted Arthur so much… Suddenly it was hard to breath and he felt too hot. He… 

Merlin woke up his face against his pillow and as he turned to have some air, he had to think for a while where he was and which way was up. He remembered Arthur's body so clearly and for a while he felt hot and missing the contact. Then reality drawer to him and he felt his heart sink. He had dreamed about his future stepbrother. He… He rose up to sit and when he moved, he felt something in between his legs. He rose his blanket but he knew what had happened even before he saw it. He had ejaculated. He had gotten a wet dream of Arthur. How could this happen? How could he be so out of control? Merlin felt so dirty. He had been asleep and he had moaned Arthur's name in his dream. What if he had done that out loud? What if he would do that by accident in front of Arthur? Or Uther? Or what if he got hard just by being close to Arthur? Arthur… he would hate him for sure he would tell everyone… he… Merlin felt suddenly cold. So cold… He buried himself back to his blanked and covered his head. His bed smelled like his semen but he just shivered and couldn't get himself to move. He laid there for a long time before he fell in to a restless sleep. 

After that Merlin felt cautious about his own body. He had avoided contact before, but now he jumped every time someone touched him and even Arthur asked him what's the matter when he practically fled across the room when Arthur put his arm around his shoulder after their last lab where they had just gotten a full credit. Merlin couldn't tell him anything else than that he didn't like when someone touched him. Arthur had seemed to buy it and Merlin wished he would keep that in mind and never touch Merlin again. At the same time his shoulders felt warm where Arthur's hand had been and he regretted that it would probably be the last time Arthur would do something like that. When Gwen also asked him the same thing and told Merlin she was worried, Merlin already had an excuse of having a bad dream haunting him. In a way he felt it was true… his nightmare just seemed to be his own body.

Hunith had also completed her first half of her first year in the nursing school. Her grades had been top notch and Merlin was proud of her. Hunith also was proud when she saw Merlin's grades. Merlin had studied and studied and eventually he had picked up even the subjects he wasn't that interested in. Actually he hardly remembered anymore which subjects he liked. Even the ones he had never cared for and those which teachers he didn't like that much, turned more interesting when he learned more, and they actually gave him more challenge and so kept him working longer. Still his own interest had gradually lowered and studying was more of an escape for him than anything else. But seeing his mother happy made it alright. Merlin didn't want to betray her with this also.

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Hunith and Uther married on Christmas Day. It was small occasion with the most expensive settings Merlin had ever seen in weddings (Of course in his home village part of the celebration had been to slaughter a lamb and roast it whole…) Hunith had been able to invite Will and Will's mother but they had been unable to come when it was Christmas and all. Merlin had talked with Will on the phone who had complained about how he missed change to see how Merlin's new fancy life was alongside the fact that Merlin called him more rarely. Merlin had kept up the facade that he was also bummed that Will couldn't come and that he would have a boring party because of that, but in reality he felt uneasy facing his former best friend. He was sure he would see right trough him and Merlin had been imaging over and over again how Will would be disgusted with him being gay until his mother had told him that they couldn't make it.

So there was no-one Hunith knew coming to the party. There were some Uther's friends and business associates and to Merlin's surprise one of them was Vivian and her father. Arthur told him that there was going to be some rich families with sons of their age, but that they were mainly boring to talk to. He also warned Merlin from going near Vivian when her father was around. "When sir Olaf is present, even looking at his daughter for too long is dangerous." Merlin had looked at him laughing but he stopped when he saw how serious Arthur looked. "Don't tell me you have tried and got to her father's wrong side?" He had asked skeptically feeling slight pain in his chest at the thought of Arthur liking Vivian like that. Arthur had looked at him unimpressed "No. She's not my type. She's rude." That had made Merlin's day and he had calmly listened Arthur to tell him twice who was who and how he was supposed to greet them all. 

The wedding party itself was beautiful. The decorations were very Christmassy and Merlin liked them very much. Hunith had a white dress with golden rims on it and Merlin thought she looked beautiful. When he told this to his mother, Hunith blushed and hugged Merlin telling him how handsome he looked in the suit Uther had bought for him. Merlin let his mother hug him and for once, he felt himself melt in her hug. It was warm and full of love. He loved his mother so much… How could he wish that she had never met Uther when she looked so happy right now? Merlin felt himself selfish and when he saw how handsome Arthur looked in his suit, he felt dirty again. With everything around him so beautiful and sparkling and smiling, he felt himself a lower form of life. He could just marvel at the beauty of it all from the permanent shadow he was in.

 

When Merlin turned 15, he didn't want to celebrate it in any way. He got his gifts in the morning of New Years Day and he thanked every one for them, but he didn't feel like having them because he didn't feel like he deserved anything. Uther had practically told him that the suit was part of his present and he had given Merlin an envelope which contents told Merlin that his money had doubled. It meant very little to him. He had no idea of what to use it for and to him it felt mostly like a number on a piece of paper. His mother had bought him a nice silver tie clip that matched his blue tie with a nice ornament on it and a carving of Merlin's initials. After further inspection he saw that the ornament was forming a bird, a merlin. He thanked his mother and he actually hoped he could use his tie pin soon. Arthur had bought the nicest looking pencil Merlin had ever seen. It moved smoothly on paper and it was sharp so it was easy for Merlin to write with it. Regular pencils smeared when he wrote because Merlin liked to write with small lettering. The pen was gold and silver and very stylish. Merlin felt his heart ache when he held it and wished he could show how much he appreciated it, but when he wrote with it, he felt guilty. He really didn't deserve any of this.

 

Uther left Merlin alone for the most of the Christmas holidays. He and Hunith had a 'honeymoon' so they stayed some nights at a hotel and they went out quite a lot to eat and stuff like that. So when the school started again and Hunith too started to study again, Merlin wasn't sure if he was glad or not. Either way, Merlin was glad that his mother was away all the days and stayed late till dinner time because most of the time he felt too ashamed to face her. He felt that he couldn't talk to her very long or either she would see right through him. The amount of time his mother had had during the holidays and all the time Merlin had had without nothing to do, had given them too many opportunities to spend time together and talk. Merlin had gotten hard time making up excuses to be alone. He had even faked a flu once and afterwards he had spend half of his night hanging his upper body outside of his window hoping he would really get sick, but after freezing himself so that he shivered even after an hour later, he still didn't get sick. Stupid winters spend outside for making him tolerant.

It was half way through February when Hunith reminded them one night while they were eating dinner that her internship for the next period would start in two days. It would take her working in a hospital for nights also. Merlin knew he should be glad to hear this but he didn't. He felt anxious and fear touched him while Hunith told them the details. "It will be every third night in night shift and then one day of rest and one day in a day shift. I'm afraid that I don't have enough time to sleep if I'l come back here after day shift but Susan said I can go to sleep at her place." she told them smiling brightly. 

Merlin knew how much she had been waiting for actually getting to work at a real hospital but he couldn't help himself but feel angry. He had totally forgoten the whole thing and now he was hearing that his mother would be away not one night every three days, but two! "We will also have to wear the real uniform." She continued enthusiastically. "We will all have someone to supervise us of course but…" Merlin slammed his cutlery in the table with more force than necessary and took his plate. "I'm done, thank you for the meal." he said with a voice that he knew would upset his mother but right now, he didn't care. "Merlin… what…" His mother started sounding confused and upset but Uther cut in "Don't worry my love, I'll talk to him." Merlin was already half way to the stairs but he still heard this. He almost turned back and he felt like running into his mothers arms to safety, apologising his actions, but he knew he couldn't so he continued to his room and slammed his door shut only for it to be opened seconds later by Uther. 

Merlin refuses to look at him and wished against his reason that he would just go away. As he heard the lock on his door click, all his anger evaporated and all he felt was fear. "I hope you understand that you hurt your mothers feelings with your little stunt." Merlin still didn't move but he felt like he was standing on a quick sand and sinking did he nothing or made it worse by struggling.

"You have been a bad boy and bad boys need to be punished." Uther's voice was much closer to him that he had thought it would be and he flinched. "Take of your pants." Merlin couldn't breath and as he did nothing, Uther took his pants off himself with one rough movement. "Kneel." This was new and it didn't help Merlin to breath as he was so afraid of what would happen to him. "Kneel!" the second command had more force on it and Merlin suddenly felt afraid that his mother would hear him downstairs. "Please don't tell her!" He pleaded in a quiet desperate voice. Uther just pushed him down to face his crotch and suddenly Merlin knew what he had to do. 

As Uther opened his belt in a slow movement, Merlin felt his heart race and his vision blur. His head hurt and he couldn't breath properly. He could just stare as Uther took his swelling member from his pants. To Merlin it seemed huge and it smelled nauseating this close. "N-" Merlin started to protest but Uther took a fist full of his hair and forced himself in Merlin's mouth. The taste was awful and Merlin gaged as Uther's penis hit his throat. Merlin tried to push him away with his hands but Uther took one of his wrists and bent and squeezed it painfully in an awkward position which made Merlin stop struggling. Uther kept pumping into his mouth, keeping Merlin's jaw open with his left hand thumb that he had wedged in between Merlin's back teeth. After a while Merlin's jaw hurt and he felt sick as he felt Uther grow even bigger in his mouth. 

"See yourself, how you want to be like this, kneeled on a floor where you belong." Uther panted in between thrusts. Merlin shut his eyes as nausea started taking over him. He concentrated on thinking 'This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening…' over and over in his head. He mildly noted that his hand was released as he had grown limb. He only opened his eyes as a sound made it past his mantra. A sound like a shutter. The same one as in his cellphone... in his camera! He opened his eyes just to see a flash light go on his face. Uther had his cellphone in his hand and he had just taken a picture of Merlin sucking him off. 

Merlin's world ended right then. 

He heard Uther's grunt as he came into Merlin's mouth and gave it a final thrust. He heard him make a satisfied grunt as he slipped out from Merlin's mouth. Merlin gagged and couched. He felt the thick smell of semen in the air as he tried to spat it all out. "I trust you wont make your mother upset anymore." were the last words from Uther before Merlin heard the lock click and the door shut again.

Merlin was sweaty and he felt the world spin. He felt nausea rise from his throat and he ran to his bathroom. He threw up everything he had eaten that night. As the spams from his stomach calmed down and left only dull pain in his stomach and head, he spat several times into his toilet. "Fuck, fuck!" he swore and sobbed against the toilet seat. The smell of vomit was thick in the air but Merlin was actually glad that he couldn't smell Uther's semen anymore. 

After about 15 minutes- or it could have been an hour, Merlin couldn't tell the difference, he had calmed down enough to stand up, flush the toilet and take off his shirt that had mixture of Uther's semen and his saliva in it and throw it into a bin. He would never want to wear it now. He looked his reflection on his mirror and saw that his eyes were red and that his face was pale. He felt hungry and cold but he couldn't bring himself to go to downstairs and even thought of eating made him nauseous again. His throat hurt.

Merlin brushed his teeth and tongue until it hurt and he still couldn't rid himself completely from Uther's taste. When he went to bed, he felt like blackness was spearing in his skin darker than ever showing all the world how dirty he was. He cried into his pillow until he fell asleep that night. 

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The next day Merlin's appetite was gone. Everything tasted like Uther in his mouth and everything even remotely white or slimy made him shudder violently. In school he could eat something but mainly something like ships or candies that Gwen offered him before chemistry class. They were now lab partners and Arthur had the luck of having Vivian. Only thing making Merlin's day a bit brighter was to see Arthur try to sit as far away from Vivian as possible as Vivian was either trying to sit as close to Arthur as possible or try her best to brake some part of the experiment they were working on. Gwen also seemed happy every day that she was reminded that she didn't have to work with the potato (as she called her now) anymore.

"Vivian told me that her father is super strict and won't let Vivian spend any time anywhere near boys when there are no adults present." Gwen whispers into his ear at one class when she caught Merlin watching at their direction again. "I suppose she wants to take all she can." she giggled. Merlin frowned a bit but tried not to show it. Even if he felt that he and Arthur were in different worlds and he knew he had no change with him, he still hated the thought of Vivian making herself like this for Arthur. Just then Vivian flashes one of her big eyed, eyelashes fluttering, blond haired, female smiles and Merlin had to turn away. "Be careful Merlin, you might get her to be your sister-in-law." Gwen teased at the same time as she pipetted some ethanol in their graduated cylinder. 

Merlin felt his expression turn sour and when Gwen looked at him, her grin faded. "I didn't mean it… Merlin what's wrong?" Her tone changed to a worried one. "Nothing." he said in a bit more annoyed tone than he had meant to use. "Merlin…" Gwen said in a tone he knew his mother could use when Merlin had fallen down and told it was nothing when he was a child. But he wasn't that child anymore so Gwen's voice just managed to piss him off. "Do you like Vivian?" Gwen asked curiosity in his voice and Merlin knew she was not joking. "No!" He said and turned to face Gwen so quickly that one of their class container fell from the table and broke into a million pieces. Now everyone was watching him. Some even clapped sarcastically. Merlin blushed and went under the table to collect the shards. The broken class looked to him much like he felt inside.

He had just picked up the biggest shards when Gwen came from behind him carrying a dustpan. "I'm sorry" she said quietly while helping Merlin clean up. "I just… that was stupid of me." She sounded sad and ashamed to herself so Merlin couldn't do anything else but to forgive her. "It's alright…" It was not her fault that he was so messed up. In fact he should be crateful for every moment she spent with him. And for every second she didn't find out how disturbed he really was. "I'm sorry too, I guess I'm just a bit tired…" Gwen looked a second like she was not buying it but smiled at him instead of calling him for it. "It's alright, we are friends aren't we." With that she went to take the class away and left Merlin to climb from under the table. Friends… it made him remember that there were other things in life than Uther and him. He felt warm but at the same time scared. How betrayed Gwen would feel if she ever knew what Merlin was and what he had done yesterday. Merlin could just hope that she never found out.

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In the night the last bits of Merlin's appetite were gone. He barely ate any dinner at all. Everything tasted like ash in his mouth and food felt foreign and too warm in his stomach. His mother would have her first day at the hospital tomorrow, a day shift and she asked Merlin if he was ok with it. Merlin had no choice but to force smile to his face and tell her to be the best nurse they have ever seen. Hunith beamed at him and Merlin felt his smile turn real for a moment before he turned back to his meal he had mostly just spread around his plate. He felt that he could now eat a little bit. But just as he had swallowed a piece of fish they had for dinner, Uther decided to speak. 

"Yes, I'm glad we had a good conversation yesterday, aren't you too, Merlin?" Merlin frowned and he fought for an urge to spit all the food left in his mouth out. "Yes" he muttered keeping his eyes fixed in his plate. He heard Uther make a satisfied noise and his mother thanked Uther for talking with Merlin yesterday… Merlin could barely keep himself sitting still and he certainly couldn't make himself eat anymore. He concentrated himself on moving the food around his plate once more in a way that made it look like he had eaten some of it. 'You disgusting whore.' Merlin snapped his head up at an echo of Uther's voice that soon turned to his mothers voice. "Merlin, are you listening at all? I told you tonight it's your work to clean the table as you left yesterday…" Merlin just nodded. He was hearing things now… was he even sane anymore, he had no idea.

When he was cleaning the table his mind was million miles away. He could hear tv from the living room and he knew his mother and Uther were watching tonights news. "Don't let it get to you." Merlin jumped and turned himself to face Arthur. He hadn't remembered Arthur was there… "He is like that, makes every accomplice you make his and every mistake you make yours. Don't let it get to you." Merlin knew he should say something but he just stared at Arthur who took a plate in front of him and gave it to Merlin. "You told me something similar not too long ago, so now I'm returning the favour." With that Arthur turned to go to his room. Merlin was left to feel warm the second time that day and also guilty for making Arthur be nice to him at the same time he was lusting for him… He felt unworthy for Arthur's kind words. And so stupid that the prat had to tell him the same thing Merlin had told Arthur ages ago. Even if it was not the same thing Arthur had thought that it was.

Arthur closed his door behind him and sighed. He didn't want to see Merlin like this. He liked Merlin cheerful and witty and demanding… not in the same place under Uther's iron will that he had been himself his whole life. He hoped he could make things easier for Merlin like Merlin had made them easier for him. He regretted every thought he had in the past of Merlin having it easier than him. That was not true and he knew that now. It had been Arthur's own decision to start football and apply to be a captain. He saw that now. Like Merlin had taught him, his father couldn't have done anything if Arthur had just told him that he hadn't made it to be the captain. Or that he wanted to quit football. Not anything else than tell him again how disappointed he was at him. That wasn't anything new to Arthur, but it was for Merlin. Arthur wished Merlin could trust him the same way that he trusted Merlin… He wished he could be something special for Merlin, like Merlin was for him…

When Merlin finished cleaning up the table he also returned to his room. When he passed Arthur's door he wished he could go in there and hug Arthur and thank him for caring and… He felt desperate again. He couldn't cry again so he went to his room and opened his english textbooks and started to read the next chapter for the third time today. He had to get his mind in check. Into a mode where there were no Uther or Arthur or his dirty thoughts or guilt… So he kept reading until he had finished the book and it was time to go to sleep. Uther didn't come that night. Merlin fell to his bed with clothes on and fell asleep at the same time his head touched his pillow.

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At morning Merlin felt weak. 'I shouldn't be surprised…. I haven't gotten much to eat for two days now…' He pulled himself up from the bed anyway. He didn't eat breakfast, feeling faint was better than feeling scared and ashamed all the time. While hungry, Merlin found he didn't care so much. Hunith was still sleeping so she could survive her first night shift in 15 years. She would be gone when Merlin came back from school today and wouldn't be home for two nights… Merlin feared what those nights would bring. 

School was uneventful. Merlin had read so much in advantage and so many times, that there was hardly anything new for him. Still he concentrated on making as good notes as possible so he would have something to study at home and in hope that Arthur would loan them again and find them useful. He even asked for some extra work from their mathematics teacher, he told her that he had some trouble with the subject and that he needed more practice. Math is one of the rare subjects one cannot do again after few times after all… He got more paper than he had ever seen one person store in their drawer. Maybe she had been waiting for years for someone to ask…

For last class Merlin and Arthur headed for PE. Merlin felt that he had no energy to run and he desperately hoped they would have something light… Maybe badminton…? 

But no… After trying his hardest not to look at Arthur when they were changing, Lance told them to run cooper test after warm up. Apparently they were going to run it once every two weeks and keep record of their progress… Just his luck. After running for twelve minutes Merlin's head was spinning and his legs felt like lead. He had been a good runner back at home, his legs had always been long and he was light build. "2150, not bad Merlin." Lance commented as he told how many rounds he had run. Merlin was happy that he could do that much in his state but at the same time he knew that he had done better in past. And now he was taller… 

"3050, great done Arthur!" Merlin turned his head to see Arthur's smug grin. 'Great…' Merlin thought sarcastically. The worst thing at this class after the fact that it would still continue was the fact that it would eventually end and he had to go home… Where he would be with Uther alone until Arthur would get home from football practice three hours later. Still Merlin wasn't too keen on hearing Arthur compare their level of skills or fitness either.

As he had thought, the end of the class didn't bring much relieve as he had to shower (with his luck) right next to Arthur and as he had forgotten his towel, he had to share Arthur's. Just to get a little bit time for himself, he went to change fresh clothes to bathroom even if he knew the risk of being bullied because of it. The small, private bathroom felt highly comforting and Merlin dropped himself to sit on the toilet seat. He smelled Arthur's towel. It smelled so nice… He squeezed the towel in his hands and buried his face in it. God… he was so messed up. He listened the usual noise from outside until it died down, sitting on the toilet seat, holding Arthur's towel in his grasp. The last thing he heard was Arthur's voice telling him to put the towel back to his locker because he would need it after his practice again. Then it went quiet. 

He had to go. Uther would be pissed. He would again be angry for Merlin making him wait. He would touch him again… Still he couldn't make himself to move. 'Maybe Uther is right… maybe I want this… Wouldn't I have gone already otherwise? I'm just making it worse.' Merlin heard a tiny voice in his head 'No, no, NO!' He practically shouted in his head. He couldn't live with that. He couldn't… he- he couldn't be like that. So he dragged himself up and opened the bathroom door. The locker room felt too spacey and the air too fresh even if Merlin knew full well that 'too fresh' and 'locker room' shouldn't exist in the same universe, but he had no time to think of that. He really should have left ages ago. He left the towel to Arthur's locker neatly folded and hoped Arthur would understand that as a thank you. For lending his towel and leaving him be.

Uther had parked his car right next to the door and Merlin could see even from afar that he was in trouble. Uther opened the front door for him, but Merlin opened the back door in defiance. "Get in the front seat Merlin." Uther commanded, but Merlin sat down on the back seat anyway. "I'm warning you…" Merlin heard the threat but didn't move. Uther didn't give him second warning and he shut the door and started the car. Merlin knew that he would be in trouble when they arrived at the house… he couldn't bring himself to think it as a home anymore. His home was on a river bench, surrounded by fields, it was small and comfortable and far away from Uther. 

The whole journey Merlin was, funnily enough, calm. He knew he was safe another ten minutes they still had to drive. But when the car parked in their garage and Uther opened the drivers door, Merlin felt panic rise in his chest. Uther dragged Merlin from his seat and took him straight to his room. "You are hurting me…" Merlin didn't really think it would change anything, but he tried anyway. Uther just threw him onto his bed and took him by his neck to a sitting position thrusting Merlin's face to his groin. "Open it." There was no place for argument in that tone and Merlin felt his mouth dry. This was it. He would have to do it again and again, and again. Uther wouldn't let him get away anymore. 

He didn't know what to do but open Uther's belt. His hands were unsure and they felt weak and clumsy. When he had finally opened Uther's belt and chipper, Uther fished his staff from his boxers. "Suck it off." He said and placed Merlin's hand to grab the base of his cock. It felt foreign in Merlin's hand and he felt nausea raising its head again as the smell of Uther filled his head. "Now suck it." When Merlin didn't move immediately, Uther again grabbed a hand full of Merlin's hair and forced his mouth open by bending Merlin's neck backwards by his hair. Merlin shut his eyes in pain and his mouth opened to a silent yell. Uther pushed Merlin onto him violently. 

Soon Merlin was again fighting for gaging, his hand still on Uther's thing and his head moving back and forth as Uther moved it. "You will learn to respect me, boy" 'respect…' That word rang weird in Merlin's head but the disgust wiped that thought from his head as Uther suddenly pulled his hair back and came all over his face. Merlin still had his mouth open and some of the cum got in his mouth too. He heard the camera go again.

Uther let his hair go and Merlin touched his face only to make his fingers wet with cum. He stared at it disbelieving and his face twisted and he tried to spit the cum out from his mouth but it was so deep that he ended up inhaling some of it. "Clean yourself up." Uther said in a tone that suggested that he had just deliberately gotten himself fitly and was now dirtying the house on purpose. "Dirty faggot" was the last thing Uther mumbled as he unlocked the door and exited the room.

Merlin ran to his bathroom and threw up. He had next to nothing in his stomach so throwing up was painful and Merlin felt tears burn his eyes. Still the thought of the shallowed semen made him gag over and over again. At some point he realised he could drink some water just to throw something up… He took a class that he used to rinse his mouth and filled it with water. He drank it quickly and it came up almost immediately. It was easier to throw up when he had something to vomit. 

Finally he couldn't continue anymore and he drank two big classes of water and brushed his teeth. He wanted to do something, something- anything! He wanted to yell or cry or scream or brake something. Preferably himself. He went to his bed and threw every pillow and blanket and he even teared his bedsheets from his bed and threw them into a corner. After that he just breathed heavily for a while. He looked at his room and the mess he had made. Like that time when he had cleaned up Arthur's room… It seamed to be so long time ago… 

He moved slowly to clean up the mess he had created. He put the sheets back, he gathered his pillows and blankets and made his bed again. He then took his school bag out and started from page one of the math exercises his teacher had given him. At some point he heard Arthur come home but he only moved from his seat when Arthur came to tell him the food was ready. They were having pesto chicken with vegetables today but Merlin barely eat any of it. He snuck most of his food to bin when no-one was looking and returned to his room quickly. He then worked until late in the night and only went to sleep after midnight when he couldn't make difference between number 3 and 9 anymore.

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After his defiance against Uther Merlin learned his lesson. He sat in the front seat and let Uther touch him on the way home. Sometimes it was just a hand on his tight, sometimes it was a hand in his trousers feeling him up. He went straight from his classes to Uther's car and when his mother was not home at night, he sucked Uther off. It was almost a routine now. Uther would come to Merlin's room late in the evening, Merlin was never asleep yet because he didn't want to sleep before he was too tired to be afraid or think about Arthur. Uther would make Merlin suck him and touch him. 

Merlin did it himself now. He knew if he didn't suck, Uther would grab his hair and push himself into Merlin's mouth. Merlin tried to avoid that because it hurt. Sometimes Uther would also touch Merlin and sometimes Merlin would get hard from that. Not nearly always now, but he hated himself for it every time more and more. After Uther had left, Merlin would throw up and shower. The blackness he had felt was spreading and now he felt like it was spreading under his skin and going deeper into his very soul. Eventually it would consume him. He showered and tried to wash himself, but it was no use… He felt dirtier every time. 

His decreased appetite and regular throwing up was starting to show. He should have seen it coming when one dinner his mother changer the previous subject and turned her attention to Merlin "Merlin dear, you are barely eating…" she said with a concerned voice. "And you are so thin nowadays… are you eating enough?" Merlin tried to think fast what to tell her. He had been sick? No, why wouldn't he told her before… He had no appetite? He was throwing up? He … he... what was he doing?

"It's nothing mom, I'm growing that's all…" His mother didn't look convinced "That's even more reason you should be eating healthily. You have left a lot of food for the pats few days…" she said with a scolding tone. "It's because I ate huge lunch at school… The food there is great." he was getting annoyed, it was his own business how much he ate. "Really Merlin, you liked that supposed-to-be-chicken casserole?" Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur. Arthur usually wouldn't have participate in thins kind of conversation but now he was looking directly at him challenge in his eyes. Merlin knew why. It was because Arthur had addressed him about him not eating at school just today and Merlin had dodged him with those exact words. 

At some other time he would have felt warm for Arthur's concern, but right now he felt everyone in the table watching him. He had to make something up fast and he would need Arthur's help to get his mother off his back… and Uther. He couldn't take his wrath today. His mother was home having a day off today, he couldn't brake his routine… He breathed slowly in order to calm himself "Yes, I liked that supposed-to-be-chicken, we all haven't been raised with a chef in our back pocked." Now it was up to Arthur. Merlin looked at him in the eyes hoping he would get the message and question him later.

To his surprise Arthur's first reaction was to blush. "I didn't mean to say that you…" he said quietly but then seemed to catch himself and the original situation. He looked at Merlin in a way that told him he would have to explain this to Arthur in the near future. The look only lasted for a second as Uther decided that this conversation was over. "Merlin, I except you to speak with respect to Arthur in the table. I'll have no picking up fights in my presence." He said in a calm tone which still stopped Merlin from breathing. "Dear, I believe it was a joke. These two have been getting along much better…" his mother said in a calming voice. Merlin could see that she thought this situation was being made worse than it really was. She was forgetting her previous concerns. Merlin didn't know how to feel that Uther had actually helped him, knowingly or not. "I didn't see Arthur laughing." Uther was not ready to change his mind. "Farther, it was because I realised that I said something out of line, I should respect our schools food more… and Merlin was just reminding me of that." Merlin felt like a tiny warm firework had been lit in his chest. Arthur was defending him… 

Uther held Arthur with a gaze that should melt iron, but Arthur just met it calmly. "All right then." He finally said and the conversation was over. Just to be sure, Merlin made sure to eat as much as he could. He cut everything in tiny pieces and shallowed without biting, holding his breath so he couldn't taste. When the meal was over, he made sure to walk past his mother so she could see he had eaten. He felt heavy and too full and his head felt weird like in sugar high. 

Back in his room he went to sit of his couch not actually sure if he could keep it all inside if he lied down and didn't have gravity on his side. As he sat there concentrating on not throwing up at the force of breathing simply too deeply or moving too quickly, he realised that this was the first time in a long time in his room that he wasn't studying. He let his mind wander back to the dinner. He had to be more careful. He couldn't let his mother notice… He would have to eat more, he was getting thinner and he had never had much weight on him… He decided to go to weight himself. There was a scale in his bathroom so he stepped on it and waited for a result. 

48kg… 

Merlin looked at the number in disbelief. 

48kg…. He had lost six kilos in just two weeks, of course his mother would notice! Merlin felt his heart raze painfully. And he had just eaten also… He couldn't let this happen… He had to make a plan to gain weight again and fast. He stormed back to his room and to his desk. Somewhere there he should have his notes of energy and nutrition...

2000 calories. His head told him the answer before he could find the notes. Of course… he had read the notes so many times… So 2000 calories a day. As he mentally skipped through what he had eaten in past few days he realised that it's not nearly enough. He had to start watching himself. He would get that 2000 calories and even more until his weight was normal again. He touched his sides and felt his ribs. He shuddered when it dawned to him that at this rate he would get very sick. 'And then they would notice…' He really had to keep this secret. He looked down and noticed that his slim fit t-shirt did nothing to hide how thin he was. Did he have something else…?

Merlin walked to his closet and skimmed through his shirts. He managed to find something he had not wore in a long time… a blue and a red long-sleeved shirts. Both had turtleneck, he had used those during winters. He took his t-shirt of and tried the blue one on. It still fit and it felt warm. He went to his bathroom to check how it looked from the mirror. He was surprised that it actually fit quite well… It was a tad bit faded but other wise it was in good condition. The fabric was thick and soft and warm and when he moved a bit he noticed that the fabric hid his body shape well. Merlin felt relieved and decide to wear it (and the red one) until he had gained more weight. He also tried them on with a t-shirt underneath. It was even better.

As Merlin once again sat on his sofa he actually felt pretty good. He felt warm in his newly found shirt and the meal finally starting to settle in his stomach. Uther would also stay away because his mother was home and Arthur… Arthur had helped him. The thought of Arthur made his mood lessen again. Yes, Uther wouldn't most likely come today, but there was no escaping from himself, now was there… Merlin sighed and moved to his table to grab a book. He chose history and flipped the pages to a random location and started to read.

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He had read through Ottomans empire when Arthur came knocking on his door. When Merlin heard the knocking he jumped up almost dropping his book. When Arthur didn't hear any reply, (honestly he wasn't even sure if one could hear any reply trough the thick doors of this house) he just walked in just to find Merlin standing next to his couch, weird look on his face like he had been caught in doing something very, very wrong. 

"Merlin…" He said slowly, sounding suspecting. "Ye- yeah" Merlin managed to stutter. "Thats a history book, not porn, relax a bit." Arthur said with a grin and taunt in his voice. Merlin blushed and was glad that he only had this dim reading light on and even that was behind his back from where Arthur was looking at him, so Arthur couldn't see his face very well. 

"Really Merlin, studying again… you either are incredibly stupid or you are going to wash the floors with the rest of us." Arthur continued as he made his way to sit next to still standing Merlin. "Sit." Now Arthur sounded like he was talking to an incredible slow being. Merlin sat down only half a meter apart from Arthur even if he was sitting on the very end of it. This coutch was clearly too small… 

Arthur sighed. "Merlin I want to talk to you…" Merlin squirmed as he knew from the change of Arthur's tone what was coming. "I know you don't eat at school and you don't eat at home, so where do you eat? You are never going to pass the PE at this rate, look at you!" He pinched Merlin's arm "Hey!" Merlin yelped sounding insulted. Arthur ignored him and continued "Only skin and bone, seriously Merlin, I understand how you don't want to talk about this with Hunith and Father but seriously I will tell them if you don't do something about this yourself and soon." Arthur knew he said 'seriously' twice but he was serious. He had noticed Merlin's lack of eating some time ago and as he had thought it for a week now, he had remembered some PE talk Lance had given them about nutrition and he remembered this thing called anorexia. The disease to make one trying to be perfect. Perfectly thin with usually perfect scores. It was usually girls who got that but Lance had made a clear point how boys could also have that and Merlin fit the bill perfectly. Arthur didn't want that for Merlin. He didn't want him to wither away and burry his head on the books… he was perfect the way he was.

Arthur sighed when Merlin casted his eyes down. "Look Merlin, I know that this family tends to put pressure on you and I'm not the best one to make this any easier for you but really, you can talk to me if you want. We could do some stuff together, you are far too often holed up in here." Merlin looked at Arthur amazed. He didn't think Arthur would go this far for him… "Will you take me outside?" He asked hoping. Merlin had wanted to leave this house desperately everyday for weeks now but he didn't know any places to go… and Uther didn't let him leave if he didn't have any reason to leave… and Merlin was too scared to ask anyway.

As Merlin was feeling sincerely hopeful and his eyes sparkled at Arthur with images of the outside world, he didn't notice Arthur's slight blush. "Yeah… sure." He replied trying to sound nonchalant about it. "Where do you want to go?" He asked happy that he had finally managed to offer his help to Merlin and happy that he had clearly done the right thing with him. "I don't really know much places here… anywhere is fine!" Merlin couldn't believe his luck! He could get out of the house and go spend time with Arthur… He knew it was wrong, but he yearned for it and he was too weak to resist his desire if Arthur volunteered himself.

Arthur smiled at Merlin and told him that he was going to a park to play some football with his team mates on saturday and Merlin could come with them if he wanted. "Is all you do have something to do with football?" Merlin laughed. "Of course not! We can go do something else some other day…" Arthur said thinking that he should have suggested something else. "No, no.. football is fine as long as I don't have to play…" Merlin corrected him fast not wanting to wait to some other week. Arthur didn't leave the house too often either. 

Arthur smirked the way that seemed to say 'We'll see about that…' Oh, that grin was beautiful… Merlin had to fight his urge to hug Arthur and smell his neck and… Merlin mentally slapped himself and tried to focus back to his book automatically but Arthur snatched the book away. "No, not any more of this, come to my room, I was thinking of watching a movie anyway." Merlin looked doubtful so Arthur added "I'll let you hold my hand if you get scared." Arthur realised that he was only half joking, but it was Merlin's reaction that made him grin like a lunatic. Merlin blushed darkly and he opened his mouth as to say something but just a sound that reminded him of fish pulled into a dry land came out. 

"…Prat…" Was Merlin's reply after he got himself together and Arthur just laughed. "Come on, I have to wake up tomorrow. I can't sleep until I get to school like some of us, I have to run." Alright Merlin could sleep until his ride to school, but it wasn't his fault that it was easier for him to sleep in mornings than nights… And it was Arthur's own idea to run to school! Still he let Arthur drag him up and followed him to his room while feeling a still warm spot where Arthur had touched his arm. When Arthur sat on the middle of his couch after putting the movie on, Merlin sat on the floor next to the end of the couch. He had found courage to come to Arthur's room but still didn't dare to sit even as close as on the same furniture if he was the one who had to make the decision.

The movie was a war movie from the dark ages and about one of the wars between Scotland and England. Merlin couldn't help himself but see their history teachers point of how much there were mistakes in historical movies and he started to comment on them as the movie went on. "You are starting to sound like Geofrey… Merlin shut up." Was the thank you for his hard work but he grinned anyway. "You are just easy to please." he shot back "I need some higher culture to satisfy my higher functioning brain." he continued the last part mimicking their history teachers dusty voice making Arthur laugh. The story was interesting and the footage wasn't bad so they both liked the movie and even Merlin admitted that he was alright them eating with forks and having tunics that weren't in fashion until hundred years later… When Merlin returned to his room to sleep, he felt happy. For the first time in what seemed like forever he went to sleep early and slept well until morning.


	6. A day out

About 250 from breakfast and another 100 from a chocolate bar from a wending machine… He would have to get at least 600 from school lunch… 

Merlin had started to eat more. At first it had been difficult but now, after just three days, he was getting a hang of it. He could eat and he had gained some weight, but he still couldn't help put throw up after Uther visited his room. He didn't even want to stop because he felt like that was the only way to rid him of Uther from his insides. Besides that was something he could do nothing right now so Merlin ignored it. Concentrating on eating gave him something new to think about and he had even got a book about nutrition from the schools library. He had memorised many common ingredients and how many calories they had per hundred grams. He calculated his estimate calorie input at least five times a day. He felt a bit obsessed, but this was better than most of the obsessions he could get… He was quite sure of that.

Arthur also seemed pleased and Merlin found himself waiting for the weekend for the first time in a long while. Gwen was also coming to the park with them. Her big brother played in the team. "My brother used to be always in trouble and even after our dad made him start football to lose some of the steam, he used to have trouble following rules, but now he has really calmed down and it's great to see him play!" Gwen told him over lunch while Merlin was trying to estimate how much beef his beef casserole had in grams. 

"Merlin, it's also great to see you like this. You seem more animate and cheerful I think…" Merlin stopped weighting his plate and looked at Gwen a bit puzzled. "Just it's nice to get out of the house… you know how Uther doesn't let me go just wander around on my own…" he said slowly not pausing his task of estimating. "That's so unfair! I know he must be thinking of your best but still… you are not a child anymore Merlin, he-" Gwen sounded a bit mad and Merlin couldn't help but protest "It's not like I have anywhere to go… really Gwen…" He was not sure why he was defending Uther and not saying anything on 'must think your best'. It left a bitter taste in his mouth and soon he realised that he couldn't say anything else anyway. That ruined Merlin's appetite once more.

"Sorry…" Gwen said and looked embarrassed. "You could visit my house someday!" she still soon added much more excited and oblivious of Merlin's dilemma. She was trying to change the subject and finding a solution for Merlin's argument. "We could go somewhere and then to my house and watch a movie or something… You could even spent the night with me, well I don't mean spend the night like that with me but…" 

After Merlin had assured her that he knew what she meant, for once not finding Gwen's habit amusing, Gwen went on and on about everything fun they could do and Merlin just smiled. It sounded nice. He was sure that Uther wouldn't let him spent the night, but maybe one evening… He could even lie it was about studying, like Arthur who always left the house for 'studying' with his friends… He promised Gwen he would ask if he could come next week and they ate in a pleasant silence after that.

On the ride home, Merlin tried to find his courage to talk to Uther about the next week (Who, as Merlin knew, was the one he would really have to get the permission from), but when Uther started to open his belt, Merlin couldn't say anything anymore. When they had to stop to wait traffic light to turn green, Merlin was afraid someone from the outside would see him. When the light changed and Uther sped up the car he was sure one boy in the next car was looking at him directly. He kept his eyes on the boy as far as he could see him and only kept himself calm with his will power. The boy turned to another direction soon and pointed at something to maybe his mother in other direction. Still Merlin couldn't shake the shame of being his pants down and Uther's hand making his thing semi-erect in front of a child… 'I'm the worst…' He thought while Uther kept massaging his balls. Merlin decided to ask his mother when she got home.

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200\. Somehow he had to get at least 200 calories. His mother was in a day shift today so it was highly possible that Uther would… He refused to think that. 200… shouldn't be that hard but he could still feel Uther's hand in his pants and he even had to check twice if he was sitting in the kitchen or if he was still in Uther's car… He tapped his foot to the floor impatiently trying to think before he rose up once more to search for something to eat but felt everything in the fridge remind of him about what could come this night… yogurt, milk, God forbid banana! He closed the door with a slam and went back to sit. 'Something high in energy, just to get this over with it…' 

While he was thinking this his eyes laid the fancy tray full of additional spices and vinaigrettes and oils for salads. Oil. He took one expensive looking olive oil bottle and flipped it so he could see the informative label. 900 calories per 100ml… That makes it 90 calories per 10ml.. so about 2 tablespoons would make it to 200. Merlin felt that this was the finest product in the whole wide world and an answer to his problems. He almost ran to take a tablespoon and shallowed three of them in row. The taste was a bit bitter and far too oily to be pleasurable but the texture was better than the one in yogurt. He could start adding this into his meal every night, that would make his meal worth much more energy. Merlin closed the bottle and looked at the label. It had some olive trees in a sunny field drawer to it. 'Extra virgin olive oil' what ever that meant… 

 

"Merlin…" Uther's voice made him almost jump from his skin and he dropped the oil bottle making it shatter. He looked at the mess at his feet and feared for the worst as he slowly raised his head to meet Uther's gaze. "I…I… " Merlin stuttered and Uther frowned but then just said "I have to leave to meet a client, I expect you to tell Arthur that I will be home very late. Clean up this mess you have caused." With that he left. 

Merlin stood very still not believing his luck. As if he would breath Uther would come back. When he heard the front door close, he slowly slid onto the floor and felt the biggest grin he could fit in his face form. He laughed out loud, 'Yes, yes!' the house would be his for another two hours with no fear of Uther and did he say he would be away till late? What a happy, happy occasion. Usually Uther left early to his company office and came back with Merlin and then retired to his home office until dinner. But now he was away… Merlin felt like yelling out loud how happy he was.

Merlin gathered the biggest glass shards fast and then took some towels to clean up the oil. He didn't even mind, he was so happy. He practically danced to his room to change his trousers because they had oil stains on them and then he took an old fantasy book with him to the living room. If he had just stayed in his own room, he would probably just go to his everyday routine of studying and he had not been in other parts of the house for a long time. He had been too afraid to face Uther. Now he could just do what ever he wanted! He opened radio and played it too loud and read his book that had nothing to do with studying. This was the best day! 

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When Arthur came home, he found Merlin lying on their living room couch upside down reading a book with a dragon on its cover. Some jazz radio was playing so loud that he barely heard his own thoughts. He just stared at this sight that was definitely from somewhere else than his living room. "I take it father is not home…" He finally deduced. "You could say that." Merlin replied calmly without pausing his reading. "What is this noise you are listening?" Arthur still couldn't get past this… this abnormality he had in no way prepared himself. "I have no idea." Merlin replied sincerely. He didn't care as long as it silenced all unwanted thoughts in his head. Arthur smiled at himself, Merlin was buried in his book and had yet to look at him. He liked seeing Merlin like this, not jumpy and depressed but like this just… being Merlin.

Arthur went back to entrance to take his jacket off and saw a note on the table from his father with enough money to feed them twice. "Merlin! You wanna go to eat something?" He yelled and still he was not sure if his voice reached Merlin. The money was meant to order something home delivered, but Arthur saw a change to take Merlin out of the house. That was, if he would come with him. Merlin seemed to be comfortable enough where he was. "What do you have in mind?" Apparently Merlin had heard. "I don't know, chines, pizza, you pick!" He yelled again. "I'll come." came a reply and the music finally ended. Merlin put his jacket on and stuffed his book to one of his surprisingly large pockets. 

Arthur smiled and took his phone to call a cab. When the cab came, Arthur opened the front door and stepped side so Merlin could climp in. Merlin, however ignored him and opened the back door for himself. "Ummm… there is an open seat here in front you know…" Arthur said. He had offered it to Merlin to be polite and Merlin's actions surprised him. "I want to sit here and so I'm sitting." Merlin replied in so cheerful manner that Arthur couldn't even tease him about it. "Uh… ok…" He said and sat in the front seat himself. Sometimes Merlin was a big mystery. 

The ride was uneventful. They decided to eat pizza so Arthur took them to a fairly nice italian restaurant. "You realise that I would have been happy with a normal pizzeria, right?" Merlin had to ask when he and Arthur had left the cab. "Father left the money, so it's alright." He said even thought technically he would have to use his own money for the cab, but he didn't mind right now so he said nothing about that to Merlin. Merlin decided that he would order the most expensive item on the menu.

The restaurant was nice. It was rustic and Merlin enjoyed looking at all the things on the walls and shelves. There were old photos in frames from Italy and old coffee pots and kettles and spices hanging it the walls. The place was lit with mitch-matching lights and candles but it was in no way dark. "You seem like you have never seen a restaurant before." Arthur couldn't help himself from commenting with a smile in his face. "Try finding a restaurant in my home village. I'll treat you if you can find an Italian restaurant there." Arthur felt a bit stupid… If he had thought of this sooner, he could have taken Merlin to somewhere ages ago. Now that he thought of it he realised that Merlin almost every day woke up, went to school with his father, ate at school, went home with his father and they usually ate home… When would he eat in restaurants? The only places Uther ever took them were so fancy that it was far from even Arthur's comfort zone even if he had grown up with them. Or maybe not so far from his comfort zone. He liked the fancy food and atmosphere, but eating with his father and some business associations popping up from left and right… Maybe it was the company most of the times.

Merlin was already reading the list the waiter who had led them to their table had left. He looked like a second Christmas had come. Arthur thought of all the fancy restaurants his farther had forced him to go to meet his business associates or just to meet other important people 'by chance' until last year when Uther had become a 'family man' as he liked to call himself to other important people nowadays. Arthur thought how much more fun would eating out have been if Merlin had been with him… Or even better, if they could have gone to eat together like this every time his father had dragged Arthur with him after Morgana had moved out because 'there was no-one to watch over Arthur and anyway he should get used to talking with important people'.

"Can I take this one with salami and goat cheese?" Merlin interrupted his thoughts "Yeah, anything you want… Have you chosen your drink yet?" Merlin beamed at him. He felt luxurious being in restaurant and it felt good that Arthur was (in a way) treating him. He was not sure if this was alright, but he wanted to go with the flow. He just had to keep strictly in his mind that this was not a date. "I'll take a coke." he said what he hoped was a casual tone and Arthur waved their waiter over to order. He had been here enough times to know what he was going to order without looking at the menu. "17, 14 with extra onion, a coke and a soda water, please." Merlin looked amused on how fluently Arthur ordered. Arthur paid no attention to it. 

It was friday so the place was full and the food took a bit longer than usual, but Arthur didn't mind. He liked talking with Merlin and just spend some time with him. They usually didn't have that much time at school and in home, Merlin was always howled up in his room and Arthur somehow felt that he had to have something real to say to Merlin if he wanted to disturb him. Most of the time Arthur didn't even remember that there was someone living in Morgana's old bedroom. 

The pizza was delicious. Merlin had never had a pizza like this and the feeling of eating it in a restaurant made him feel special. Eating pizza from a pizza sized plate with knife and fork was also a new experience to him. "I always thought pizza was just a fast-food with lots of cheese… " He mused as he marveled at his beautifully done pizza with salami, goat cheese and rucola sprinkled on top making the colours of an Italian flag. "Shh… This place is owned by an Italian family… show some respect to pizza, I want to be able to come back…" Arthur whispered in fake conspiracy and Merlin laughed before attacking his pizza. 

Eating had not been Merlin's favourite part of the day for a while, but the pizza tasted awesome. He felt like it was the best thing he had ever eaten in his entire life and he ate far more than he really could. Arthur was happy to see Merlin like this, maybe he had been worried for nothing.

That night Merlin and Arthur watched some stupid tv-show and went to sleep too late. Merlin could have stayed up later but Arthur was used to waking up early and so he tired early. As Merlin showered, he felt for once that he got cleaner in the hot water. After shower he felt sleepy and full and he imagined a tiny golden ball of light inside him staying pure and lighting the darkness that had consumed his body. He still had something to himself, he just wasn't sure what it was yet. He curled in his bed as to protect this tiny light. He couldn't wait tomorrow to come.

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"Merlin…Merlin you lazy idiot… Merlin!" Merlin's eyes snapped open. Arthur's face was hovering above his which made Merlin freeze. "Come on! We have to leave soon and you need to pack lunch for us!" Arthur said cheerfully and headed out of the room. "Why do I have to make the lunch?" Merlin got out of his mouth before Arthur disappeared through his door. Arthur just glanced back and replied lightly "Because you don't have time to eat breakfast anymore." 

'Figures… He could have woken me up for that earlier. Bet he was just too lazy to make his own lunch'! Merlin grumbled in his mind but didn't really mind too much. He climbed out from his warm bed and put on his jeans. 

He was just trying to decide if he could use his red shirt one more day or should he take the blue one, when Arthur suddenly opened his door and let himself in. Merlin jumped and tried to cover his chest with the red shirt that was in his hand "Can't you knock?!" He snapped and Arthur frowned "Don't be such a girl, Merlin. Like I haven't seen you change before… Anyway, you can't wear that." Arthur said and pointed Merlin's jeans. "Put on sweatpants or your gym clothes. We are going to play!" Merlin frowned. "I told you I'm not going to play." still keeping his shirt against his chest. "Yes, you will. Now movie it, I want decent lunch ready in 20 minutes." Arthur said again cheerfully and opened Merlin's closet. "You enjoy making me miserable, don't you?" Merlin had to ask. Arthur didn't answer, just grinned widely. Seeing Arthur smile made all the discomfort Merlin had evaporate. He sighed. He had to relax his grip on his shirt as he tried to conceal his own smile by pulling his shirt on.

Arthur put Merlin's sweatpants on the edge of his couch and was about to make a remark on how little used they seemed, but the remark died in his throat as he saw Merlin topless. Merlin didn't see it because his head was inside his shirt but Arthur's eyes widened briefly as he saw how thin Merlin really was. Merlin's arms raised, he could count all of Merlin's ribs. He really was too thin. But how… he had seen Merlin eat yesterday and he didn't seem like he somehow resented eating. At all! Could one really get so thin with lack of exercise? He really had to start taking Merlin out more. 

When Merlin got his head out, Arthur had already turned to leave. "Remember I want some meat in my lunch!" and he was gone. "Prat." Merlin said for good humour. He sighed at the sweatpants but changed anyway. He didn't like the loose feeling, he felt too exposed.

Merlin packed them ham sandwiches, some boiled eggs and orange juice while Arthur kept reminding him about time every other minute. "You could help me, you know?" He tried once but Arthur just looked at him like he had grown another head. After that Merlin had grumbled something about rich kids and prats, but Arthur had just ignored him and reminded him of the time again.

Lance came to pick them up and Merlin kind of understood why Arthur had been so concerned about the time. It would have been rude to make their teacher wait when he obviously didn't even live in the area. Merlin took the back seat again happy that he could make the decision and even if he kind of hoped that Arthur would sit next to him, he was also glad when he sat next to Lance and Merlin had all the space for himself. Lance talked with Arthur cheerfully and Merlin got the impression that they got along well. Lance even made the effort to talk with Merlin and he kept to topics Merlin could understand. Merlin really did like his PE teacher. This day was going to be fun.

They were first to arrive to the park which made Merlin grumpy again. "And what was the reason exactly that we had to hurry? When are the others coming anyway?" He made no effort to hide his annoyance. "In an hour or so…" Arthur didn't sound sorry. "What?! You dragged me out from my bed and made me hurry like some servant for waiting here an hour?! You total clot pole!" He was now beyond annoyed, he was sleeping so soundly and that prat had ruined it! 

"A clot pole Merlin. Really?" Again, no apology or even the understanding to sound sorry. "Yes." He said in a finality in his tone. Arthur looked a second like he was going to ask but threw a ball to Merlin instead. "I'm going to set the goals and stuff… and I have to be the first now that I'm the captain." Arthur sounded serious and responsible and Merlin would have lied if he had said that he didn't admire this part of Arthur. He really took his team seriously. 

"So you decided that football is important to you then?" He half asked reminding Arthur about the conversation they had a long time ago. "…If it's you I can tell… " Arthur said after a moments hesitation. This sparked Merlin's interest immediately. "I like football but… I can't say I would like to put this much effort into it. I'll never be professional." He said slowly not looking at Merlin but drawing a large circle in sand with a stick. Merlin followed him with his eyes. "So why…?" Merlin knew Arthur would explain so he didn't finish his question. He hoped it was not because of Uther… 

"For my team." At this Arthur looked straight at Merlin's eyes certainty in his voice and his eyes held no regret. "I want to be the captain and I want to help my team to do better and hopefully have some fun as well." He smiled a bit at the last part and that made Merlin smile widely. He felt so proud… "So is that why we are here today?" He didn't want to tell Arthur how proud he was exactly but he was pretty sure Arthur knew anyway. "As a matter of fact, yes we are. Even you are not completely clueless all the time." Arthur said clearly trying to make up for the sappy moment and for the lost time of teasing Merlin. Merlin smiled a bit to that before sighing and sitting down. "Your turn to do all the work…" He mumbled and set himself on watching the morning sun and maybe glancing at Arthur now and then.

It was about half an hour when Lance came back. He had gone to the school to get some more supplies. Merlin had a nagging feeling that it was because he had taken room from Lance's car. It wasn't very big car. "I see you have done good work here already." He beamed at Arthur and Merlin and didn't mention his second trip in any way. "I think it's better that we can start right away, some of the team wouldn't be so happy if I made them draw circles at ten o'clock in the morning." Arthur said and to Merlin it looked like Lance knew exactly who Arthur was referring to. "I guess you are right. Should we make the warm up brief then?" Lance answered. "I think so yes, it's supposed to be just a bit of fun. And we also have this one broomstick over there and Elyan's sister coming…" Lance followed the direction Arthur pointed and seemed that he just noticed Merlin in a new way. Merlin was quite sure Lance hadn't expected him to play. "Nice to hear you are joining us Merlin." He said with a smile in his handsome face. Merlin got a little bit nervous. Smiling made Lance look even more handsome that usual, but he managed to reply "Arthur needed someone to make him lunch. He couldn't make a sandwich even if his life depended on it." Lance laughed at this and Arthur's gaze spelled m-u-r-d-e-r. Merlin relaxed glad that he had Lances acceptance. 

It didn't take long for everyone minus Elyan and Gwen had gathered to the field. Arthur was getting everyone and asking thinks like how they were or how was that something that we talked about something and Merlin soon lost interest. Luckily Lance seemed to notice this and came to sit by him. They talked about this and that for a while. "In no where have I ever seen a whole football team which has five practices a week on top of school come and play at saturday morning." He told Merlin and this made Merlin smile. "I bet it's because of Arthur. No offence." He said. Lance just smiled "None taken. Even I'm here because of Arthur." This made Merlin curious. "What do you mean?" He asked a bit cautiously. Lance smiled at him "I mean that I'm not getting paid for weekends, but If Arthur can get the whole team this exited then it would be weird if I didn't come." Merlin accepted this explanation and turned back to the field. He saw Arthur laughing with some of his team mates and his heart felt heavy with longing but also happiness of seeing this side of Arthur. "I guess I know what you mean." He said to no-one exactly. 

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It was just five to ten when Elyan came running with Gwen not far behind. "I told you would make me late! Women!" Elyan said to Gwen when Gwen had stopped breathing heavily and Elyan had dropped their stuff next to Merlin. "If you want to be here before ten you tell me before ten! Look, it's not even ten yet!" Gwen was not happy to be blamed and Merlin could see from his friends face that she really was not the one to blame (in this non-existing being late case…) Elyan grinned "Don't take everything so seriously." and ran of to meet the others. Gwen sat down with a huff. "Change a brother with me, will you Merlin." Merlin laughed. 

"Oh, you have not met Lance right?" He said as he suddenly realised that Gwen was not in boys PE. How stupid of him. "Hello, pleasure to meet you. I'm Lance." Lance said and shook Gwen's hand over Merlin. Gwen blushed a little. "I'm Gwen, Merlin's friend. Oh, but that's not why I'm here! I'm also that GOOD FOR NOTHINGS sister." She turned her head to yell that part so her brother would hear. 

Merlin tried to correct his awkward position where he had Lance still holding Gwen's hand in front of his face. Lance seemed to realise that and let go of Gwen which was a relieve for Merlin. "I heard you are going to play also, am I incorrect?" Lance said possibly to both of them but he seemed to look only at Gwen. "Of course! I must show my brother not to belittle me." she said and took her scarf and her jacket off revealing her jumper and a sport t-shirt underneath. "You coming Merlin?" She said cheerfully. "I really don't…" He started but was interrupted by Arthur who came running to their direction. "Come on Merlin! We are waiting for you two!" He dragged Merlin up and Merlin felt embarrassingly warm as Arthur spun him around and took his jacket off. "Gwen, I'll trust you will keep this idiot alive in the field?" Arthur seemed to trust Gwen's ability to play football over Merlin's. "Yes sir!" Gwen fake saluted. Arthur smiled at her and Merlin felt jealous sweep over him. Why couldn't he had been born as a girl… Everything would be so much easier that way. 

Gwen took his arm before he could dwell on it more and within a blink of an eye he was in a mist of warm up lapses and pushups and stretching. Awesome. But when the game started, he had to admit, it was fun. First he just felt stupid trying to run about to the same side of the field that the ball was, but Arthur's team mates turned out to be a bunch of goofy, hard working but fun loving idiots. In the best possible way there was. They had different rules than normal. In place of goals there were two round circles, about one and a half meter in diameter Arthur had been drawing earlier. In the middle of both circle, there was an extra ball. Anyone could be the goalie but no-one could go inside the circle. The objective was to make the ball in the circle out from the circle. It was different and it was fun. 

Merlin was on the other team than Gwen and Merlin had great time trying to beat her. He was faster runner than Gwen but Gwen obviously had some talent with kicking, something Merlin lacked. Still when he kicked the ball in whatever direction, the others were yelling stuff like "Awesome, I got it!" or "Good pass!" or "Pass it to me Merlin!" or "No! To me, to me!" Merlin had never had so much fun playing before and he even got the ball to hit the 'goal-ball' once. Sadly his kick was not strong enough to make the ball leave the circle. "Argh! Merlin you kick like girl! Who's the clot pole now?" Arthur yelled at him across the field. "That's not what it means!" He yelled back as he was in such a good mood that he only found humour in Arthur's comment. "Then pray tell me what it means!" Arthur kept yelling at him over the filed. "In two words?" Merlin asked smirking "Yes!" Arthur's voice was somewhere between frustration and begging. "Captain Arthur!" Merlin yelled at him smoothly. This made the whole team laugh which made Merlin feel proud of himself.

After few 'goals' (those are surprisingly hard to get) one of the player whose name Merlin now knew was Oliver asked Arthur if it was time to have lunch. Arthur checked his watch and nodded which immediately made Oliver turn and shout on the top of his lungs "LUUUUNCH!" Merlin happened to be the unlucky one standing nearest to him at that time. Arthur had been quick to cover his ears just in time. 

"My hearing will never be the same…" He whined as Arthur opened their lunch boxes. "Consider yourself lucky. He once did that right to my ear. I'm lucky that I still have them intact!" Elyan commented on that, sitting on the other side of Arthur. "Well, you were sleeping in the middle of a goal and we needed to start, it's your own fault you didn't wake up! Oliver was our last resort." Someone whose name Merlin still didn't remember, but had the smoothest looking curls ever, said lightly. Apparently Oliver was known for his ability to yell. The whole team was gathering around them to eat.

As they ate, Merlin shut himself from the conversation and focussed on the fresh air and the surprisingly nicely warming early spring sun. The ground still wasn't warm but now that the sun was up, even he didn't need his jacket. He ate few sandwiches and drank some juice which made him very drowsy. He hadn't moved like this in a long time, in PE he usually tried to avoid getting too involved. He didn't feel good enough and he didn't like the competing games or the do this, do that, now, faster, more! way the classes usually were. At least Lance was not one of those teachers who told him how much of a sissy he was if he couldn't do fifty push ups in a row… 

"If you were like this in my classes, I could actually get you a good grade, you know." Speaking of the teacher… "Hmh" was Merlin's interested reply. Lance didn't press him on the subject but Gwen decided to comment also "Merlin you were awesome! I thought that I would wipe the field with you but you can really run!" she told him excitedly. "Gee, thanks Gwen." Merlin rolled his eyes at her. He just now realised that Lance and Gwen had been sitting next to him talking together for the majority of time they had been eating. Lance looked them a bit amused and that should have been it, but for a short second something in Lances eyes caught his attention. "Are you two perhaps…?" There was a short pause when they both seemed to try to catch the meaning of Lance's question. Gwen was faster "Oh! No, no, no, we are just friends!" Merlin also caught something, but it was not the same thing. Lances eyes changed again, just a tiny bit, but Merlin saw it. Relieve. Want. Lust? Merlin shuddered. 'No… I can't be sure… maybe I saw wrong…' but he suddenly didn't like Lance that much anymore. 

"Merlin?" Gwen looked at him a weird look in her face and he realised he had been quiet too long. "You didn't have to say 'no' three times. I would have only said 'no' twice." He grumbled to save the situation and to make clear at the same time that Gwen didn't have to worry for him liking her that way. Gwen laughed and blushed a little. Lance was watching her and smiled gently. Merlin really didn't like this…

After lunch the team decided to have a more serious match and Merlin was glad that he was given an option to just watch. He was tired and his muscles had started to ache. Arthur told him to stretch, but Merlin couldn't be bothered. Lance had gone to play with the team so he was left alone with Gwen. "He is quite handsome, isn't he?" Merlin snapped his head towards her and mumbled "How would I know." He was not happy of which way this was going. "Oh, I didn't mean it that way. I was just, you know, just noticing. It just there are not many handsome people around me often and I just…noticed." Merlin usually found her rambling cute but now he felt a bigger problem looming in her words. "I assume that you mean Lance. Don't let Arthur hear you say that and thanks by the way." 

Gwen looked at him puzzled for a second and then blushed "Sorry, I didn't mean that you are not handsome! I mean you are… in your own way." She was quick to correct. Merlin laughed and lowered himself lying to the grass. "Not making it any better." he said in a sing a song voice. "Oh, you are one…" Gwen pushed his elbow lightly and Merlin saw her smile too. He was glad to have a friend like that. He really did like Gwen. On that thought he got a little bit more serious. "Just be careful ok, remember Lance is an adult…" Gwen looked at him now also a serious look on her face "I know… I'm just enjoying it a bit. I promise!" She smiled at him and Merlin had to smile back. "Ok, I'll not tell Arthur that you don't think he is handsome." He teased earning a new punch to his elbow. They laughed a little and now that Merlin's interest was again slipping he found it hard to keep his eyes open. "Will you be bored if I sleep a bit?" He asked Gwen. "No, go ahead. Do you want my jacket? I'm good." Merlin nodded and took her jacket. He rolled his own jacket under his head and used Gwen's as a blanket. Even thought the sun was warm, when he was lying on the ground falling asleep, he liked he extra warmth. Gwen's jacket smelled nice and he fell asleep on the background noise of football.

Gwen looked at Merlin for a while. Merlin was a good guy. She wondered how her life would be without him and she decided she didn't like it. But something felt… wrong. Something about Merlin lately. She knew he was lying sometimes about somethings that didn't make any sense. Like there were times she knew he was lying about eating or sometimes he just seemed to stop functioning and he was not telling why. Well, stop would be a wrong word. More like froze on the spot. She wanted to ask Merlin what was going on but somehow she never could. As a separated things they always seemed too trivial to question Merlin all call to his lie. 

She looked at Merlin's sleeping face. He looked peaceful. That made Gwen smile. She focused on the game again and decided to be there, if Merlin wanted to talk to her about anything. With that, she noticed once again Lance passing the ball to Arthur who made a goal. She would have cheered if she hadn't worried about waking Merlin. Lance looked at her direction and their eyes met. Gwen waved at him and smiled. Lance nodded at her and also smiled before continuing the game. Gwen felt her smile grow wider. He really was handsome. And nice too…

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Merlin woke up when the game was over and Elyan came to pack his stuff. Arthur was still talking about something with Lance and some other players so Merlin didn't bother to rise up yet. "…it all? You drank it all?! What kind of a sister are you? I'm dying for thirst here!" "Well I was thirsty too! You could have taken your own bottle…" Merlin focused on listening Elian and Gwen bicker, again… "You can have some of my juice, it's in that blue bag." He said to Elyan lazily who beamed at him. "See! At least your boyfriend has some manners." Merlin blushed at that and Gwen seemed like there would come steam from her ears any second now. "We are not dating…" Merlin replied calmly from the ground to avoid that. 

Elyan actually looked genuinely surprised at that which made Merlin blush more. "But you are like the only thing Gwen talks at home… and then why did you come today here then?" He directed his question to Gwen puzzled. This made Gwen push him hard on his side "I do speak about lot of things, you just never listen you buffoon! And why I came is non of your business!" Gwen huffed and took her stuff from the ground, her jacket from Merlin and started to walk to the direction they had came from in the morning mumbling about something. 

"Uh… so you are really not dating?" Elyan eventually asked to be sure. "No, Gwen is a good friend, I like spending time with her." Merlin tried to explain. He was not embarrassed anymore. He kind of felt that he would have to explain this many times in the future. Maybe it was not so common to have a girl friend you didn't want to date. "It's just… she was so excited to come today and she was rambling how she wanted to play and that you were coming too… I thought that she must have a boyfriend and then I saw you here together… " Elyan sounded apologetic. Merlin smiled a little and decided to tell Elyan. "She was excited to see you play. She's proud of you for giving it your all… And she seemed to enjoy playing herself." 

Elyan looked at him like he had a second head. "…You understand my sister? Wow, dude that's like a super power…" He was quiet for a moment and then he added "She really came to see me?" He sounded unsure so Merlin nodded. "Don't tell her I told you. She will have my head." This made Elyan relax a bit. It seemed that making fun of his sister was a solid ground for him and being praised by her (even undirectly) was foreign territory. "Ok, I won't. But you own me one good change to tease her." Merlin laughed awkwardly. He could see Elyan coming to him in hallways to ask any juicy gossips of Gwen. He promised nothing. "I'll have to leave now or else she is going to leave me behind… But tell me if you want to date Gwen, I'll give you my full support!" Merlin rolled his eyes "Your support would ruin my changes!" He yelled after him and Elyan just laughed and jogged after Gwen who was not in sight anymore.

"Merlin, time to go." Arthur had finished whatever he had been doing and he and Lance were coming where Merlin stood to get their stuff. "Did Gwen leave already?" Lance asked in a too nonchalant voice. Merlin tried to look normal and just replied "Yes, she and Elyan just left." 

"Oh…" To Merlin Lance looked clearly disappointed. Arthur didn't seem to notice as he was collecting their stuff. Merlin gave Lance humourless look and Lance backed off "Um, I'l go get the car, see you in a bit." he said looking a bit apologetic to Merlin. "Yeah, we'll just collect ourselves." Arthur looked up to Lance from where he was stuffing stuff to the bag."Yeah…" Merlin just said. With that Lance left. Merlin kept his eyes on his retiring back. 

"Quit daydreaming, Merlin, I'm leaving. You coming or not." Merlin dragged himself up. He was a bit cold now and that didn't do well with his now complaining muscles. "I don't know about you but I'm starving! Want to have something on the way home?" Arthur asked. He had actually wanted to see Merlin's reaction and so far he had been pleased to see Merlin eat his share of their lunch and he really liked to see Merlin play and enjoy himself. "Yeah sure." Merlin replied and that made Arthur smile. Merlin looked at the other direction so he wouldn't get distracted. 

Arthur threw their stuff on the back of Lances car and the rest went with Merlin to the back seat. Lance agreed to drive them to a cafe from a walking distance of their home and after brief goodbyes, they went in a fairly nice cafe. Arthur bought himself a meatball sandwich and coffee and Merlin took hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cinnamon roll. Arthur smirked at his choices but was secretly happy. Those were not a choices of an anorectic person. They talked about football and Arthur's team mates and Arthur made fun of Merlin skills and Merlin about other team mates making Arthur laugh. Arthur's previous worry evaporated completely. Merlin was just thin… and stayed too much inside. Arthur would just have to take him out more often and after he got his car in few months, he would give Merlin a lift if he needed one. The only hindrance was, that Merlin was a horrible liar, so Arthur would most probably make excuses for Merlin too if he wanted them out of the house. If this kind of situation would have happened with Morgana Arthur knew he would have been horrified of the thought, but with Merlin he felt he actually was looking forward to spending more time with him. He almost didn't want to take Merlin anywhere just to drop him off… He wanted to go there with Merlin too, whatever the place Merlin would want to go. Being with Merlin made him calm and warm and seeing Merlin smile made him happy and Merlin's humour made him laugh. Arthur didn't want to leave just yet.

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Merlin didn't want to leave ever. This was like different universe compared to the house. In that house he would have to face Uther. He would have only his school books to keep him company and he would again slip into his gray world of depression… He knew it. In here he was sitting in a sunlight coming from large windows. He had hot chocolate and he had Arthur. He felt his funny side rise its head from the deep slumber it had been past weeks, or was it months… It was months… He was not going to think about that now. The tables were small so Merlin was sitting closer to Arthur he usually did even though he was in the opposite side of the table. The cafe was nice and meant for people who were well of (it was in the same area they lived after all…) It was saturday so there were families and couples and then there was Merlin and Arthur. For just a moment Merlin let himself imagine that they were here for a date and his heart beat with the same golden light he had stored inside of him last night. It grew and light his being more and more every time Arthur smiled. If only this could be a real date… 

When they finally had to leave, Merlin was dragging his feet and looking more and more miserable as they got closer their home. He felt the light inside him dim as he had to again set himself in the tune of reality. "It's not like this is going to be the only time you get to go outside…" Arthur tried to figure out what was the reason for Merlin's sudden change of mood. "We could go somewhere next saturday?" He tried. "And we could just walk here to have coffee more often…" He continued hoping Merlin would cheer up on the thought of going somewhere with Arthur. "I was going to ask mom if I can go to Gwen's… " Merlin replied feeling a bit bad waisting an opportunity to go somewhere with Arthur, but he still was not sure about getting his hopes up with getting to leave to house next saturday at all. With or without Arthur… And he did want to see Gwen's house… Also going to the cafe again… while it sounded like dream come true, he knew that in his and Arthur's mind it was about different things and that made Merlin sad and he was already sliding towards the depression even if they couldn't even see the house yet.

"Can I come too? " Arthur asked. "Or is it just you and Gwen?" He added teasingly. Merlin growled "Not you too! How many more times do I have to explain it today that me and Gwen are just friends?!" He really didn't want Arthur to get the wrong idea. "Ok, ok… But it's your own fault, sleeping under her jacket like that next to her…" Merlin blushed a little at that but still replied "In what time and age are we if I can't have a girl as a friend?" and sighed dramatically. "In high school age. Maybe you have heard of it." Arthur shot back. "Anyway, can I come or do you have other plans with Gwen?" He still wouldn't let the subject go. "No, I Don't. But I still have to ask Gwen first…" Merlin replied firmly. "And get a permission to go." He added more to himself for he didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing. 

When Arthur opened the front door, Merlin felt like staying there, outside, until tomorrow when his mother would come home… But he couldn't explain that to Arthur so he entered after him and tried to act normal. He got to carry their lunch packages to kitchen while Arthur went upstairs to change and shower. Merlin felt vulnerable by himself and it didn't take long after he had heard Arthur close his door that Uther showed up from behind him and put his hand on Merlin's ass. 

"You are late. I hope there is an explanation." Merlin felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic standing between kitchen sink and Uther. "We went to a cafe on our way home." He didn't know if it was a right answer but he had nothing else. "Dinner in soon, I'm sure you knew that. So tell me, was it your idea to go to waste your appetite and Arthur's too?" Uther demented and Merlin knew he was on thin ice here. "No… A-Arthur was hungry after the game." He didn't like blaming Arthur but he didn't know what would happen if he told it had been his idea. "So you didn't take lunch with you then?" This was not really a question. Merlin knew Uther could see the empty storage boxes in the sink. "Yes… we ate them earlier…" he tried. "And I suppose you made them?" Uther wasn't giving him any room to escape. Merlin briefly wondered what would happen if he told that Arthur had done them. Would Uther not get mad? Would he be mad at Arthur? Would he do the same thing to him that he did to Merlin…? …No… That wasn't possible. He would have noticed. Surely he would have noticed. 

"Yes. I packed them…" Had he really messed up? If he had taken more food with them Arthur wouldn't have been hungry. He should have been up earlier or faster or- "I hope you are going to take responsibility for this." Uther whispered in his ear which made Merlin shiver. Uther gave a last squeeze to his behind and disappeared upstairs, probably to his study. Merlin was shaking. He couldn't go back where he had been now. He didn't want- he had gotten such a good time and… He felt his heart clench. He had been used to this. He had, and now he felt horrible going back. Suddenly he felt angry. Angry to himself and angry to this house. He wanted to disappear. 

But he couldn't. Still he had to do something. He left all the containers as they were. He didn't care. He went to his room and locked it from the inside. Then he went to his bathroom and locked it too. He wouldn't come out. He would stay here. He buried his face into his knees and imagined over and over being again in that nice cafe with Arthur. Everything Arthur had said and done, how he had moved and looked. Merlin imagined it all until the time blurred.

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After Arthur had showered, he packed his fresh sport clothes into his gym bag and laid down to his couch to read the book he had seen Merlin read in their living room. He found himself curious and when he had seen the book in their school library he had loaned it without thinking. Now he found it entertaining even thought he didn't usually read that much. School work was enough for him. When it was time for dinner he put a bookmark where he was and headed downstairs. He could talk about the book with Merlin as they ate. His good mood however was ruined as he first founded that Merlin had left all the dished lying around and second that Merlin was nowhere to be seen. 

He should have been pissed, but for some reason he wasn't. When he had left Merlin downstairs there had not been anything indicating that Merlin wouldn't want to do the dishes. "You know that if you take lunch out I expect you to tidy after yourself. I do not like to see these dishes here until monday." Arthur turned his head to see his father sitting in the table reading a news paper, food already in the table. "I'm sorry father, I'll do it right away." He replied not wanting to argue that it was Merlin's job anyway. "No, it's already time to eat, do it after dinner." Uther replied. With a "Yes father." Arthur sat besides his father and waited Merlin to come downstairs. He was starving. Four hours in fresh air did that to him. But Merlin was no where to be seen. 

When it had been more than five minutes, Uther put his paper down not looking pleased. "Arthur, go get your brother and have him know that he is late." Uther had always been strict about being in time with every occasion. Arthur stood up and climbed up the stairs. 'Merlin should know better than this…' Arthur mused on his way. Something was off. He couldn't say how and he didn't like that. 

He was going to just storm into Merlin's room and interrupt whatever was making him late. 'Probably sleeping, that lazy ass…' But the door was locked. Arthur was surprised at this. Arthur never locked his door because he knew very well that his father didn't like it, but did Merlin? He tried to knock as quietly as he could while also loud enough that Merlin would hear him. "Merlin! Dinner is ready…" He didn't want any trouble for Merlin. Again something different compared to his and Morganas relationship. He sighed. Doors in this house were thick and walls heavyly soundproof. It was hard to hear through them so Arthur had no idea what Merlin was doing on the other side or if he had even heard him knock. 'Awesome… if he really is sleeping how am I going to wake him up without father noticing…' 

He tried again but he didn't have to try long because it seemed that Uther's patience was thin today and soon enough Arthur could hear him coming upstairs. Arthur didn't know what else he could do so he stepped out of the way and Uther took the handle. He didn't seem pleased to find that the door was locked. "Have you tried knocking?" He asked and when Arthur nodded, Uther turned from the door to go to his study. He returned soon with a set of keys in his hand. Arthur prayed Merlin to come out of his room, but it was too late. Uther opened the door and Arthur tried to see past him. To his surprise, Merlin was not in his room. Arthur took two seconds to think 'huh…?' But if his father had been surprised, he didn't show it at all. He turned to bathroom door and when he turned the handle, it didn't budge. 

"Merlin… open this door right this instant." Arthur recognised his fathers tone and he knew that Merlin was in deep trouble now. "Merlin, I'm starving, what are you doing?" he whined. He knew it would annoy his father but he was quite sure that Merlin also knew that he was in trouble and if he didn't respond to his father because he tried to escape his wrath he would just make things worse for himself. Arthur hoped he could make Merlin come out. 'Or maybe he's not even there…' He glanced at the closed closet opposite side of the entrance of Merlin's room, but before he could do anything else, Merlin opened his bathroom door not meeting anyones eyes and mumbled something about being in a shower. Arthur knew this couldn't be true because Merlin was wearing the exact same clothes that he had earlier on the day. Besides when Merlin walked past him, still not meeting his eyes, he still smelled like earth he had slept on. 'What's going on with him…?' Arthur thought. The fact that Merlin bathroom didn't have any lights on didn't make its way to his conscious mind.

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Merlin had felt his heart race painfully when he had heard his rooms door open. 'Of course Uther has a key, why does he has to have the key…' He didn't want to go outside. He felt vulnerable and the solid door didn't give enough protection. He was not sure if Uther could open the bathroom door as easily because this door had a much simpler lock you could only lock from inside and it didn't have a keyhole. He buried his head on his knees and tried not to whimper when he heard Uther try the door. He was so close and so scary. What could he do… in any way Uther would be furious and he couldn't make himself to move. Only when he heard Arthur's voice he snapped out from his freeze. He had to go out. Uther would open the door anyway… and Arthur was there… 

Merlin stood up slowly and opened the door. He couldn't look at Uther's face, he was too scared, nor Arthur's because he was too ashamed of causing a scene and Arthur seeing it. He tried telling the first reason he could come up with for locking the door, but he knew Uther wouldn't believe him. He was painfully aware of his dirty clothes and sweaty armpits and the best of all, he hadn't put any lights on when he had entered the bathroom. (The light switch was outside of the bathroom) He closed his bathroom door as quickly he could and took a deep breath before he walked past Arthur. He would eat. Then he would come upstairs. Then he would wait for Uther. Then he would throw up. Then he would shower. Then he could again sit in a dark corner alone with no-one seeing him… 

After dinner, where Uther had told Merlin to absolutely never lock any of his doors, Merlin had promised he wouldn't, Arthur had been quiet and Merlin had not eaten more than a few bites, Merlin went to his room and sat on the edge of his bed to wait. He just wanted it over with. His flow of misery was however ruined by Arthur. It was only seven o'clock so Merlin had prepared himself to wait, but he hadn't wanted to see Arthur. He didn't want to feel nice now, he didn't want to feel better only to feel worse in few hours. He didn't want to remember Arthur was next door down the hall… 

"So what was that?" Arthur didn't waste any time asking Merlin. "I was showering…" Merlin didn't have anything else. Arthur sighed. He didn't feel like making fun of Merlin's obvious lie. "I know you weren't. Merlin I'm not an idiot." Arthur felt bad. He had thought that he and Merlin had been having a good time and he had hoped that Merlin would trust him now. "I just wanted to be alone for a while…" Merlin went to the nearest thing he could tell Arthur without lying too much. 

Arthur went quiet for a while before saying "Ok… I won't ask you more about it but a word of advice, try being alone at some other time than dinner time." Merlin just nodded and Arthur was not satisfied. He had obviously not succeeded in making Merlin feel better or being honest with him and he wanted to make Merlin smile. "And also remember to warn me in advance if you 'want to be alone' I rather not knowing anything about it." he tried to at least make Merlin annoyed but Merlin didn't react like he usually did by blushing but instead he frowned and shuddered. Arthur had never seen this reaction and he wasn't sure what he had done so wrong… ok, the joke wasn't a nice one and he had teased Merlin about Gwen today a lot already so maybe suggesting what he did alone in a dark bathroom went over the board. Arthur stopped his thought for a second 'dark… where did I get dark…' he couldn't remember if Merlin had light on or not so he decided that he must have had light on… Who would lock himself in a dark bathroom anyway?

"Merlin… It was a joke… " Arthur said putting his hand on Merlin's shoulder and shaking him a little. Merlin flinched and Arthur dropped his hand. He was now panicking a bit inside. Was something really wrong and he had just made Merlin feel worse? Or did Merlin hate him that much? But just as he was about to say sorry Merlin decided to finally reply "… please don't tell me more about the stuff you think that normal people do in their bathrooms…" He felt morally on thin ice. Because if not Uther, maybe he would have been jerking off to an image of Arthur doing stuff that he had done with Arthur's father… He again shuddered. 'I'm disgusting.' He thought. 

Arthur didn't notice the second shudder and was pleased that Merlin replied and happily jumped to the joke "Not normal people, you!" Arthur had no idea how much that hurt Merlin. "And I'll have you know that it's your own fault, who locks himself into a bathroom anyway? And why haven't you showered? You smell…." He would have wanted to add something along the line 'worse than my whole team combined' but that was too far from the truth. Actually Merlin smelled mostly earth and somehow… nice? In bit sweaty way… 'What a weird thought.' Arthur dismissed it. "I'll shower before sleeping…" Merlin muttered feeling very conscious of all the sweat and dirt on his skin and clothes. He wanted to move away from Arthur so he couldn't smell him. 

Arthur gave up. He didn't know what else he could do to make Merlin feel better so he just ruffled Merlin's hair and told him that he was going let him be now. On his way he stopped and turned to look at Merlin once more "Oh, I tried the book you were reading, I kinda like it… you happen to have more recommendations?" Merlin looked a bit surprised and for a second he had to think what did Arthur mean. After that he tried to find any hints of sarcasm in Arthur's voice, but when he found none he replied "I'll think of something…" Arthur smiled at him briefly and closed the door behind himself. 

In his own room Arthur didn't feel like reading anymore. Maybe Merlin just wanted to be alone? He knew he himself wanted sometimes but he was a bit worried… Maybe he was not alright… maybe he had some issues… Arthur wasn't an expert on those kind of things and he felt at loss. He sat heavily on to his couch and he stared at his ceiling for a while 'Maybe I could ask Lance some more about that anorexia thing… But I can't say it's for Merlin… I would just make people worry for nothing and father would have my head if he knew I let someone outside of the family think that we have problems…' He tried to make up some way of asking without rising suspicious to himself or to Merlin but couldn't. Of course he could pretend it was for their test or that he was just interested with no reason but if he asked too much it would again be weird. He decided to leave it for monday and his eyes found his bookmarked book again. 'Well, I did ask Merlin for new books…' So he picked it up and soon he was again lost into a land where dragons roam…

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After Arthur had left, Merlin regretted for being so cold to Arthur. He had been nice to him all day and Merlin had lied to him and… He put his head on his knees to block the room from his vision. He had jerked of on images of Arthur. He had a serious crush on him. He had wanted Arthur. But now… he felt so grateful just being near Arthur, not doing anything perverted, just… talking, sitting with him, playing football with him. It just now sank in how deep he was. He had tried not to feel for Arthur but every time he was close Merlin just couldn't help himself but sink deeper. He felt his breathing get quicker and he had to concentrate on breathing trough his nose. 'I have dreamed Arthur doing stuff that Uther have done to me.' 'I have imagined myself doing those things to Arthur' 'I get excited just by sitting with him in a cafe' He was dwelling and making himself feel worse. His breath was quicker and his heart was beating fast. 'Will I become like Uther? Or am I already… maybe I really want it like Uther says…' His breathing was calming now and he rose to a sitting position again. Or maybe calming was a wrong word. More like he was getting numb. His heart was still drumming in his ears but he could sit straight now. 'You are a dirty faggot' He heard Uther's words in his head, but he wasn't sure if the opinion was Uther's or his own anymore. 

When Uther came into his room many hours later, Merlin was staring his biology text book blankly. He had been reading it at some point but for last 45 minutes or so he had been checking time and reading some lines over and over again before just moving to staring one picture on left page. He turned around to finally meet Uther's furious stare. "You think you can hide from me? You think you have the right to make trouble?" He dragged Merlin from his chair to the bed. "You little whore! What were you doing in your bathroom without any light? I bet you enjoyed yourself…" He said with his hand now on Merlin's throat. Merlin tried not to push Uther because he knew it would make Uther even more angry but he felt panic. Merlin could breath but Uther was pressing his throat and he felt powerless and anxious, would Uther kill him? 

Uther was now opening his belt and Merlin felt his breath hitch. Their position… Uther on top of him… he realised then and there what the future would bring to him. When Uther came to sit on top of his face he actually was relieved. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes automatically and Uther thrusted into his mouth. The force of every thrust came directly onto Merlin's face and Uther's balls were hitting his jaw. Uther was pinning Merlin's other arm down with his leg. The blood didn't circulate in it anymore and it felt painfully numb. Merlin squeezed his eyes close even tighter and tried to hold the base of Uther's thing in his free hand so Uther wouldn't go so deep into his throat. He soon found a rhythm in pumping his hand at the same time he sucked and he heard Uther pant. He tried not to think, but if he lost the rhythm, his hand would slip and Uther would sit with all of his weight on Merlin and hit the back of his throat making him gag. 

At some point Uther started to rub him and he felt himself get hard. 'I'm sick, there is something wrong with me…' He thought and didn't even care when Uther came in to his mouth. "Swallow it." came a command and Uther took hold of his face. "I know you want to you faggot, do it." Merlin felt tears burn his eyes as he tried to swallow but he couldn't. "Swallow it!" Uther hissed right to his face. The smell of semen and Uther's breath made his head spin and he forcefully swallowed everything in his mouth. He felt it burn his mouth and he felt sick and he knew he was going to throw up soon. The only thing keeping him from vomiting was the adrenalin pumping in his veins caused by Uther who was holding his face still. Uther smirked looking satisfied "Keep your doors open." he whispered into his ear and with a final touch to his still clothed crotch he rose and walked out from Merlin's room.

As soon as Merlin heard the door close he made a bee line to his bathroom. He didn't have time to open the toilet seat so he threw up into the sink. He was shaking and he still felt Uther's load running down his throat. He wanted to turn himself upside down and wash it all away. He tried to gag and throw up again, but he couldn't, nothing more came out. He sobbed and leaned to the sink for a while before he looked at his reflection in his mirror and saw a hideous sight. He had red dots on his face, his lips were swollen, his forehead was sweaty and worst of all was the look he had in his eyes. He didn't know how to name it but he knew his eyes showed how he felt inside. He saw the darkness he had felt spreading. It had reached his eyes.

That and the memory of Uther coming and making him swallow made him vomit soon after. It was more violent than before and Merlin felt some of the vomit go to his nose. He had to cough when he tried to inhale sharply at the feeling. When he couldn't vomit anymore he almost crawled into the shower, throwing his clothes off at the same time. He let the water run so hot it burned not caring that the bathroom door was open. He brushes his teeth while showering and scrubbed his skin until it hurt and used all the shower gel he had left making his bathroom smell like a lair of lemons. He couldn't make himself touch his thing. He couldn't even look at it. He hated it. Why was he so…so… gay? Why was he gay? He hated it. He didn't want any of this. What if he could be straight and he could have a crush on Gwen for example and he wouldn't get hard and Uther wouldn't- 

He tried then. He tried to see Gwen like that. He tried to make himself want her. But he couldn't and in the end he also felt like he had betrayed Gwen's trust by thinking her naked and stuff. 

It was almost midnight when he turned the water off. Without drying himself, he put on a pyjama and threw himself onto his bed. When he turned to his back he suddenly felt flash back of Uther on top of him, looking at him and- Merlin rose up like the memory had hit him. He looked at his bed and he could only hear it creak in rhythm of- He jumped off from his bed. He couldn't sleep here. He looked around and saw his couch. He took his blanket and moved himself to the couch. He laid on his side his back meeting the cushion. He was a bit too long for this couch so he had to bend his knees a little. He curled into his blanket as his hair had started to cool down and it made him cold. He slowly drifted into a sleep and he dreamed of laying on the field with Arthur next to him, letting him be, touching his hair… 

When Merlin woke up, it was already morning and he felt calmer. Merlin decided that he was never going to sleep in that bed again.


	7. Worries

All sunday Merlin found himself uninterested and tired. He really didn't want to eat because his throat hurt and he didn't want anything in his mouth, so he told his mother that he felt a bit sick and stayed most of the day in his room. But when the dinner time arrived, Merlin didn't dare to be late so he made sure to be early by the table and when his mother asked how he was feeling he replied that he was better. He couldn't make her mother worry. The spaghetti they were having felt like worms in his mouth but he managed to eat if he bit it into little pieces.

 

Half way through the meal Merlin remembered the invitation to visit Gwen's house. "Mother, can I go to Gwen's next saturday?" He asked looking directly into his mother’s eyes. Hunith was surprised of the sudden question but smiled sweetly at Merlin. "At what time would you want to go?" Merlin was relieved. He knew this tone, he was going to get the permission. "I'll have to ask Gwen, but she asked if I can spent the night…" Hunith raised her eyebrows at that but nodded without comment. "Alright, will Gwen's parents pick you up or does she has a license?" Merlin felt his mood brighten and he was about to answer but then Uther cut in. 

 

"And what purpose do you have with this visit?" He asked and Merlin's heart sank. "Dear, I think it's alright…" Hunith immediately tried to avoid any further discussion, but Uther didn't seem to let it go. Merlin knew that his mother didn't want to make him uncomfortable by asking his reasons to spend a night in girl’s home, but he saw that Uther had no problem of making an interrogation over the dinner table.

 

"We have a lab assignment, farther." Arthur cut in and Merlin immediately focused on him and from the corner of his eye he saw Uther do the same. "Gwen is Merlin's lab partner and we are working on an assignment together." Arthur continued smoothly. This must not be the first time Arthur had leaved the house with an excuse Merlin realised. "You are both going?" Urther seemed to soften to the idea. "Yes, my lab partner is useless and I feel I'll do better with working with Gwen and Merlin. And we don't have to bother Gwen's father, Gwen's brother Elyan can drive us." He continued. Merlin felt hope again. He had totally forgotten Arthur had asked if he could come with him. He hadn't asked Gwen yet, but hopefully Gwen wouldn't mind…

 

Uther turned back to his food and replied seemingly satisfied "Alright, I don't really see why you have to spend the whole night, but I hope you will use the time well." 

 

"Yes father." Arthur replied and flashed a quick smile to Merlin. Hunith also smiled and they returned to their eating. Merlin also smiled, even if he tried to conceal it so Uther wouldn't notice how happy he was. He had to thank Arthur for this.

 

After meal Hunith asked Merlin to stay a bit and she took him to sit to the living room. "Uther told me that you had locked your door yesterday…" Merlin looked down and nodded. "Merlin, I want you to promise me you won't do it again. It's not safe. Uther has a reason for this, the doors are very thick and you cannot hear through them. What if something happened to you inside and I couldn't reach you? What if you fell in your bathroom and no one wouldn't even notice?" Merlin felt bad at this reasoning but he also found himself thinking that most of the things that happen to him did happen behind his locked door, but there was nothing he could do about that. He almost felt angry at his mother for how wrong she was, how she didn’t know how it really worked.

 

"Merlin I want you to promise that you won't lock yourself in anymore, Uther too was worried…" Merlin had hard time believing Uther had been worried about him but he had to promise to his mother. "Don't worry, I'll keep it open. I just wanted to shower in peace… I din’t think it was a big deal." He tried to joke about something about Arthur barging into his room without knocking but he didn't have time to form a new sentence before his mother changer the topic. "This Gwen… do you like her?" 

 

"Mom!" Merlin felt his cheeks grow hot. It was embarrassing enough to correct his PE teacher on the matter (who was much closer to his age) but his mother was off the scale. "She is my friend!" He wasn't sure if it was embarrassing or not to admit this to his mother. Hunith laughed at his discomfort which made Merlin frown. "Sorry… just you are in that age and-" She started but Merlin interrupted "No, no, no, no, no! I'm not talking about this with you! I promise it's not like that, so please mom…" He really felt embarrassed now. Hunith smiled at him and let it go but also told Merlin that if he wanted to know anything…

 

When Merlin was again in his room safe from his mother and sexed talk, he hid his face in his hands 'God that was painful…' He had now a new reason being glad that Arthur was coming with him. Even though his mother should have been more worried about Arthur than Gwen… this again made Merlin's mood darken and he moved to his desk to take his thoughts away from Arthur.

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On monday Merlin asked Gwen if Arthur could come the first thing he saw her. "Of course he can come, I'm glad that you got the permission." she smiled at him. "It was actually Arthur who got us the permission." Merlin felt like he had to give the credit to Arthur. Gwen smiled happily and then said "I was thinking that maybe you would want to go shopping with me first and then we could go to my place and watch some movie or something? Of course if you don't like shopping we don't have to…" Merlin smiled at Gwen's thoughtfulness. He actually needed some new clothes himself, he couldn't keep wearing only two shirts and even if his weight had gone up a notch, he still looked too skinny and he really didn't feel confident in those short sleeved shirts he had anymore.

 

"Actually I need to go shopping myself." he replied and Gwen beamed at him. "But where do we park Arthur? I'm quite sure that he's not very interested…" Merlin had to ask. He wasn't overly eager for Arthur to see what he tried on either. "Oh, I thought Elyan could give us a lift to the mall so maybe he would like to keep Arthur company? I'll ask him today." This seemed like a good idea to Merlin. "What do you need to buy?" He asked so he could prepare himself and hopefully hear he wouldn't have to go anywhere too embarrassing. "I thought of buying some new dresses of maybe some tunics for school… I really don't have anything pretty…" Gwen replied avoiding Merlin's eyes "And since when did you need something pretty?" Merlin asked. One of the things that made Gwen special was that she wasn't constantly fussing over her looks. 

 

Gwen blushed and didn't look Merlin in the eye when she replied "Just wanted to look a bit nice you know…" Merlin felt a light bulb go on in his brain "Oh I know, you have a crush on someone." He said cheerfully. Gwen elbowed him to his side and said even redder now "shut up Merlin…" she said but not sounding really annoyed. "That's what Arthur tells me all the time." Merlin replied lightly. "I know, it's a great phrase." Gwen shot back but calmed down.

 

"Can you keep a secret, Merlin?" She asked after a moment of silence. She sounded more serious now. "Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone." Merlin felt good that Gwen trusted him. "I… Let’s find a quieter place…" They took a sharp turn and Gwen led Merlin to an empty study corner. 

 

"I wanted to tell someone… I kind of can't stop thinking Lance… " She finally said after she was sure no-one was listening. Merlin had not waited this. He remembered how Gwen had commented that Lance was handsome, but he hadn't thought that Gwen would really develop a crush for him. He had trusted on Gwen’s word. For a moment he felt a bit relieved because he wouldn't have to help Gwen date Arthur, but then his relieve changed to concern. He remembered how Lance had looked at Gwen and he didn't like that. He couldn't let anything bad happen to Gwen.

 

"Lance? He is like a decade older than you and…and…" He hoped Gwen wouldn't get mad at him for not supporting her but he couldn't sound anything else than disgusted. "Actually he's only twenty-two…" Gwen did sound hurt and Merlin felt bad for being so harsh. It wasn't Gwen's fault. "But…" He tried but Gwen interrupted him "I don't think age is such a big thing people make it sound. I have had some crushes before but this is different! I really like him and I can't help it." She said with a certainty in her voice which made Merlin pause on his thought. "And I just want to look a bit nice for him… it's not like I'm going to do something stupid. I… I'm not ready yet for that kind of relationship." with this last sentence Gwen turned her gaze away and blushed again. "I… you promised not to tell anyone…" She said in a quiet voice and Merlin's heart melt.

 

"Gwen, of course I won't tell anyone… and I'm sorry… I'm just a bit worried I guess… Just be careful. Men can be- I mean don't leave yourself alone with him or anything, he is a man after all…" Gwen seemed to feel better with this and she smiled a bit and said "Merlin, you are a man and I'm inviting you to sleep into my home… What do you have to say for yourself?" Merlin had to laugh at this and he was glad that the conversation was getting a lighter tone. "I told you, you should be more careful." He said and winked. Gwen kicked him playfully and they both laughed. When they had to leave because it was time for class, Merlin felt closer to Gwen and he wished he also had a secret he could share with Gwen. Like a crush. Maybe someone on their class, a girl… Merlin decided that he would need to talk to Lance. If he couldn’t really share anything with Gwen, he would at least protect her.

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The rest of the day Merlin was a man on a mission. He took every turn he could to get to talk with Lance alone. He couldn't wait after PE because Uther would be waiting for him after school and PE was the last subject, so he tried to find Lance from corridors, from lunch and finally he stormed to the gym after his class before ended and hoped to find Lance there. To his luck, Lance was at the gym and he was alone. 

 

"Merlin, you are early today, I hope to see the same performance than at weekend." Lance greeted him with good humour. "I need to talk to you." Merlin cut right through the easy mood. He knew this conversation would be highly awkward but he didn't care. He felt mad at Lance like he had already done something bad to Gwen and Merlin had had the whole day to feed that feeling. Lance faltered a bit when he heard Merlin's words. "Would you like to go and sit down?" he tried but Merlin didn't really like an idea of going into his gym teacher’s small, possible one with a lock, cubicle. He wasn't very trusting these days.

 

"No thank you. I came to talk about Gwen." This caught Lances interest and he asked with a clearly worried tone "Has something happened? Is she alright?" This made Merlin rise his eyebrows, he had not been waiting this reaction. "…No… everything alright." He said and Lance relaxed but there was something in his expression that Merlin couldn't read and so, worried him. "You like her don't you?" He asked bluntly while keeping a close look to Lance’s face.

 

The change in Lance was immediate. He blushed and the look in eyes deepened so much that now Merlin could recognised it. It was shame. Lance took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry. I hoped no-one would notice, but I guess I'm not very good with pretending…" Merlin felt his anger rise again, this man had actually admitted having a hots for a girl six years younger than he was! "You will stay away from Gwen! What is wrong with you, how can you even be a teacher?!" He stopped for a while to breath and see if Lance would have anything to say for himself, he had been mean on purpose. Lance just hung his head and looked miserable. 

 

"I promise if anything happens to Gwen, I'll make everyone know." he continued with a low voice. He wasn't sure why he didn't want to march to headmasters office right now, but something in him needed to know... "What do you even want from Gwen? She's not old enough for you, you… are you some kind of pedophile?" With this Lance seemed to finally look at him. "Let's continue this in my office." He said. "No." Merlin was not going to move to any less escapable place. "Please." There was something in Lance’s voice that made it impossible for Merlin to say no again. It was desperate and he knew that feeling alongside with the shame he could see in Lance’s eyes too well.

 

He nodded slowly and allowed Lance to lead him into his small office near the locker rooms. Still, when Lance sat down behind his desk, Merlin just stood besides the door and wouldn't step inside. Lance made no comment on this, but instead looked at Merlin's eyes with a sincerity in his eyes. "Merlin, I'm glad that you are taking care of your friend-" 

 

"Sure you are." Merlin couldn't help but interrupt. "…but I want you to know, that I was sure that Gwen was older sister of Elyan and at least 18." He continued and Merlin made a noise that indicated that he did not believe him. "I also assure you, that I have no intention of forcing myself on Gwen nor harming her in anyway." Merlin still didn't look convinced, but he had hard time not believing that Lance was telling the truth. Of course what he meant now and what he did tomorrow were two completely different things.

 

"...Really. What if Gwen wanted to … talk to you and you would be alone or something." he said in a skeptical voice. He wanted to say that what if Gwen liked Lance too, would he still not do anything, but he couldn't tell him Gwen's secret. "Yes. Merlin, I'm an adult and as an adult I have the responsibility to protect anyone underaged from doing anything they could regret in the future. Even when it goes against my personal beliefs or interests." Lance said in a calm voice and Merlin found no lie in it. Could he really trust Lance? 'No, not yet' he thought. "So do you still like her?" He asked. He was now calm again but in no way satisfied. "…yes. I- I tried to lose interest when I realised that she is only sixteen but… I'm sorry. Maybe this does make me a pervert as you said, but I want nothing more than her to be happy. If it would make you feel more at ease, I could resign. As you said I may not be suitable to be a teacher."

 

Merlin was set back with this. He wasn't sure how to react. Lance was practically telling him that he had the power to get rid of him, to fire him almost. But that didn't feel right to Merlin. He looked at his feet and tried to make something of this. "…if you promise, that you won’t do anything…" He finally said almost shyly and hated his tone immediately. "If something happens…" he continued with a harder tone. He was almost sure he had already said his threat so he just let it hang and hoped Lance would remember he was keeping an eye for him. Lance smiled and Merlin remembered suddenly that he had liked Lance before. He was a great teacher and a warm personality. "Thank you Merlin. I'm sorry to put you in this awkward position and I'll give you my word, I will not do anything."

 

Right then the bell rang and Merlin's classmates started to make their way to the gym. One of the first was Arthur who jogged to Lance’s office when he saw Merlin. "Merlin! What are you still hanging about?" before Merlin had any time to answer, Lance answered for him "I was just writing some extra credit for Merlin on his excellent play on saturday. I'm sorry I kept you so long, you can go to change now." He said the last part to Merlin who just nodded and moved slowly towards the locker rooms.

 

Through closed door he heard Lance starting the class with warm ups and interactions for basket ball. Merlin grimaced. He didn't like basket ball either. It was all the games with a ball in them. There was just something Merlin had never understood in them. But basketball was still better than somethings. He shuddered as he remembered that back in his home village their teacher had been especially fond of wrestling… Merlin shuddered again at the thought. He seriously couldn't do that now.

 

After he had changed, he reluctantly went to the gym and hoped there would be more playing and less those awkward technique practices.

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When the class was over, Arthur volunteered to clean so he could talk with Lance alone. Merlin had been eating normally on weekend and apart from being sick on sunday and that weird … whatever that was… on saturday he had seemed normal. Well, as normal as Merlin could be, but he still wanted to talk with Lance to have some peace of mind. 

 

"Did you want to talk with me, Arthur?" Lance asked when Arthur had been standing in front of him for a minute without saying anything. "Yes… I was just wondering, when you told about eating disorders… well, could you tell me something more about them?" He was not sure if that came out sounding how, but Lance didn't seem to mind and just asked "Any of those in particularly or generally?" 

 

"Mm, could you tell me more about anorexia?" Arthur asked. "Yes, well anorexia nervosa is usually associated to be girls disease, but recently more and more boys are getting sick too. Most commonly an anorectic person tries to get unhealthily thin by eating too little and avoiding anything greasy and calories in general. They also typically exercise a lot to get thin faster. To some of anorectics it's not so much about being thin, but being perfect. They study or practice sports fanatically and feel that they are never enough. They also often feel too fat and they are very scared of getting more weight. Is this enough or would you like to ask something else?" Lance said sounding very much like a teacher. 

 

"Does an anorectic person usually hide it well?" Arthur asked "Usually yes. They don't mostly think themselves as sick and usually even the family might notice only when the weight has already gone dangerously low." Arthur shuddered at that thinking Merlin's thin form. "Anyone you are worried of?" Lance asked. He seemed worried himself now. "No! No, just curious…" He said but couldn't look Lance in the eyes.

 

"Well, in that case, If you have anything else to ask, you can ask me or the school nurse or there are some sites in the internet you could find interesting. " Lance said. "Could you tell me how a typical anorectic person is like?" Arthur wanted to know. "Well, I cannot say typical… I'm not a doctor, but in my old basketball team I used to play, there was a boy who started to practice very seriously. At first we thought he was amazing because he was training so hard and he was very good because of that, but at some point we started to notice that he didn't eat much at lunch, he always had his own lunch which could just be an apple. And in about a half a year he had become so thin he had hard time keeping up with the rest of us. Soon he was put into a hospital and we learned that he had taken too much laxatives to get rid of whatever he had eaten. His parents were in a shock…" Lance sounded like it had made a huge impact on him and Arthur understood why he had told about it so seriously.

 

After Arthur had thanked Lance, they took all the football equipments out and soon enough they were ready, the other team mates started to get inside and Arthur got into his captain-mood. Arthur was now a bit calmer. He would ask some questions from Merlin, but for the most part Merlin didn't fit the bill after all… He didn't seem to hate high calorie foods, in fact he seemed to jump into any change of getting chocolate and the amount of oil he used in his salad… Also he didn't work out and he didn't seem to care that much about grades than much. Arthur clapped his hands to start a warm up. He would talk to Merlin when he got home.

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When Arthur got home, Merlin was in his room reading. No surprises here. He asked if Merlin had asked Gwen about saturday and Merlin told him that Gwen would ask her dad. "Gwen and I will go shopping…" He told Arthur with a grin and Arthur's reaction didn't disappoint him. "Shopping?! You really are a girl Merlin!" Arthur almost howled.

 

"I assure you, even boys do need clothes. And even if you only wear one kind of outfit, it doesn't mean that the rest of us want to do that." Merlin replied with a grin. "Says you! How many weeks have you been using these two shirts now?" Arthur shot back waving his hand to the general direction of Merlin's chest. Merlin was a bit surprised that Arthur had noticed and he blushed slightly at that. "Well, that's why I need some new ones, don't I?" He crossed his arms on his chest and Arthur who was sitting on the edge of his bed laughed. "Well, I'm still not going to follow you girls to stores, any idea what I could do while you find yourself a nice dress?" He asked amused

 

"Prat… Elyan will probably give us a ride so you can go to do something manly with him." Merlin replied indicating that ‘something manly’ equaled something stupid. "Sounds better. And afterwards we will go to their house… I sure Gwen's dad says yes, I have been at Elyan's before." Arthur answered not biting Merlin's taunt, he was waiting his chance to call Merlin fat and see how he reacted, but his thoughts were interrupted when Merlin asked "How do you get your father to let you do stuff so easily?" Arthur had not seen that coming.

 

"Well, I have been living with him all my life… I have just learned to say what he wants to hear… I guess." He told Merlin after a bit of thinking. He couldn't agree to the 'easy' part, but he certainly knew what Merlin meant. "Thank you for helping me out." Arthur felt a bit surprised at Merlin's sudden thank you, but he also felt a bit of admiring as he himself always remembered these things too late. 'I wish I had thanked you every time you helped me out…' he thought but just rose to ruffle Merlin's hair and turned to leave. Merlin made a funny sound and looked flustered. Arthur smiled a little before saying "anytime" and leaving Merlin once again to study.

 

Arthur liked to touch Merlin's hair. He found it hilarious how Merlin got so embarrassed every time he ruffled his hair but he also liked the feel of it… He thought it would be nice to touch Merlin’s hair more but dismissed the idea quickly. That would be weird… He hadn't had any change to make Merlin tell him how he felt about his body or if he tried to be perfect at school, but he hoped he would have a change later. Maybe at the mall. He grinned to himself. That would be fun. It was a long time that he had gone to the mall himself and with Merlin shopping with Gwen for new outfits… that was going to be priceless. 

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The next morning Arthur rode to school with Merlin and his father. (It was raining like cats and dogs) He noticed that Merlin was again looking a bit under the weather. His mother had again left for her day shift and wouldn't be back for two days. Maybe Merlin missed his mother? It was possible. Even though they had been a 'family' for over a year now, they really didn't have that feel… Maybe his father felt that he had gotten a wife, maybe Merlin's mother felt she had gotten a husband or even a second son? Arthur didn't know. For himself, he didn't think Hunith as his mother nor Merlin as his brother. It wasn't that he didn't like Hunith, she was nice, but just not his mother. His mother had died when he was born so he didn't know her nor did he know what to miss. Of course he had wanted a mother when he had been younger and Uther wasn't exactly a nurturing type. Maybe Merlin felt the same? He had been used to the warmth and when Hunith left, her warmth left with her. 'Maybe if I could be more of a brother to him?' he thought but couldn't really change anything. He was happy he had gotten to know Merlin but, he was different… He felt equality. Stronger than with anyone. How could he change anything without destroying that?

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Merlin felt depressed. Today was going to be a dull day. They only had subjects that he wasn't practically interested in and his mother was going to be away for two nights. Also, the weather was horrible, he was hungry and he didn't want to eat. Normally he had been anxious these days that his mother left but now he was numb. He didn't find joy in things he normally did and he felt tired about everything, but not scared. 'Maybe I'm used to it now?' He thought and closed his eyes. He wasn't so tired physically than mentally but he thought he could at least pretend to be asleep for the next ten minutes…

 

The school day was uneventful. Merlin went to the classes he already knew by heart. He forced himself to eat some bland fish with white sauce while counting the calories to keep him occupied and talked to Gwen who told him Arthur could also come, Elyan would drive with her to pick them up and then they would go to the mall. Arthur would sleep in Elyan's room and Merlin in Gwen's. "I have no idea what you have done to my brother, but he actually convinced my dad that you were a good guy and that you could sleep in my room. He didn't even tease me afterwards!" that made Merlin smile a little but that was the highpoint of his day.

 

When the school ended, Merlin walked in autopilot to Uther's car and just let the scenery pass his eyes while Uther felt him up all the way home.

 

In the evening Merlin was again studying, Arthur had had a rough practice. They had started the outdoor practices last week and the field today had been … muddy at least if Arthur's appearance was anything one could deduct something. So Arthur had gone to sleep right after dinner. Merlin had been waiting Uther to come early because of that but he was still surprised when he hear the door open as early as eight o'clock. He felt cold sweat on his forehead and his mouth turned dry. 'Maybe I'm still not used to this after all…' he thought feeling like crying, but he couldn’t move even a muscle.

 

Uther came to hug him from behind. Merlin was not used to such a gentle gesture and for a while he didn't know what to feel. "Let’s go to the bed shall we?" Uther gently led Merlin to sit on the mattress. Merlin could just stare. He didn't know what was happening. Had he done something right? Was Uther pleased with him? What? 

 

"We shall try something new today, something I'm sure you will enjoy, if you just behave." Uther kept speaking gently into his ear but the words itself made Merlin tense. Uther moved to open Merlin's trousers and he put his hand into his boxers. "Such a naughty boy you are…" Uther continued stroking Merlin for a while and Merlin felt himself again grow hard. He bit the inside of his mouth hard and dug his fingernails into his palms but he still felt his erection grow. He hated himself so much.

 

"Take off your trousers." Merlin knew he would just make things worse by arguing so he stood up and let his pants drop onto floor. He kept his gaze onto floor feeling shame built inside of him. He saw his erected penis and he hated it and he hated himself. Why, why he had to be like this…? He asked from himself what felt like a thousandth time while Uther's phone camera made shutter sound few times. 

 

Suddenly Uther warped his arms around him and pulled him to sit on his lap. Uther had opened his own pants and Merlin felt his hard staff against his ass, rubbing against it. Uther's hand pumped his thing up and down. He was not in a comfortable position. He wasn't fully sitting on Uther's lap so he had lots of pressure on his legs and his legs were weak. As his legs started to hurt he also felt his erection settle which made him like the pain in his legs a bit. But when Uther didn't get any more reaction from Merlin's dick, he moved to another places.

 

Merlin panicked when he heard a tube cap opening. It couldn't be what he thought it would be, please no… But very soon he felt cold, slick fingers caress his bottom and moving to his ass hole. "No! Please no…" Merlin wasn't even sure if he had said it out loud, but maybe he had because Uther stopped just for a second, but soon he flipped Merlin to his bed his face onto the matters his ass in a very embarrassing position, sticking up.

Merlin tried to struggle away from the position but he soon froze when Uther stuck something near his face. Merlin felt his heart stop when he realised what he was looking at. It was himself, Uther's dick in his mouth. He had his eyes closed and he was sucking an enormous looking cock. Uther slide his thumb across the screen and next there was Merlin looking at the camera face full of cum. Another slide and there was Merlin eyes tightly shut a penis and balls laid across his face. Uther didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

 

Merlin stopped all of his movements and let Uther lift his ass up again. 'I'm not here, I'm not here! I'm not here!' Merlin repeated in his head as loudly as he could. Still he could feel Uther's slick fingers circle his entrance and finally sticking his finger in. It hurt. 

 

Merlin tried his best to scream only inside his head but still a whimper escaped. Uther started to move his finger and too soon there was another. Merlin felt tears in his eyes but no more sound came from him. It was painful. He had put his fingers in himself before but even that had needed much time and slow movements to feel good. This, this was agony. He was sure something was going to brake. He was going to bleed or something was going to brake. When Uther removed his fingers Merlin let go his breath and he panted like a person who was drowning. He felt like he was drowning.

 

He heard the cap open again and he suddenly felt cold. 'No…' was the only word he could think of. "No… No. No!" found himself whimpering louder and louder until he yelled. Uther just lifted his ass up and squeezed his neck with other against his bed which made Merlin's breathing hitch and his yelling stop. 

 

"Now listen you little whore. This weekend, I want you to study and to behave. You might think that you are getting somewhere by lying to yourself, but don't lead that poor girl on… you are dirty and you are a faggot." He spat the last word out and Merlin could just hold his breath and will it all was over when Uther started to slide into him. Merlin was sure he would die. It hurt so much… He saw white dots in his vision and he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. Uther thrusted into him faster and faster finally letting go of Merlin's neck to take him by his hips with both hands. Merlin buried his face into his pillow. At some point he heard Uther's camera go several times but he didn't look up.

 

When Uther finally came after what seemed like forever to Merlin, Uther pulled himself out and even that hurt. "What a dirty insides you have." were Uther's last words before Merlin heard him close his zipper and the bed creak. Merlin felt something coming out from his behind and he smelled Uther's smell. Soon he heard the door lock click and then the door open and close. He was alone. He tried to move but it hurt… and there was all that stuff leaking from him. 

 

Finally he took his pillowcase off and put it in between his legs just to get to his bathroom without making a mess on his floor. In the bathroom he threw the pillowcase into the washing basket without looking and then he showered. His skin was weaker and dryer these days so when he scrubbed his skin, he felt some of it get screeched and he saw some small bleedings here and there. He just scrubbed them harder because he was so disgusted of himself.

 

Even if every part of his body hurt and he was tired to the bone, Merlin couldn't sleep. He couldn't calm himself down and he duly noted that he wasn't a virgin anymore. Something so many in their school seemed to be interested in, who was virgin and who wasn't. When and where someone would or did lose their virginity and with who. 

 

'In my own bed with my step father' He almost laughed, it felt so absurd, like something like this could really happen… but on the other hand he felt vulnerable and ashamed. He felt his mood change from hysterical to scared and ashamed every other minute like he was riding an endless roller coaster from which he couldn't stop or get off. In the end he was lying on his couch crying and laughing in turns until he fell asleep. When he woke up in the morning he felt like a hammer had hit him in the head and then shown itself into his behind. He saw bruises forming into the back of his neck and on his waist and hips. He was glad that he didn't have PE today and that his shirt covered his neck.

 

On the way school he slept all the way and Arthur (who was coming with them again because of the same rain continued) had to half carry half drag him out of the school’s parking lot before Merlin felt awake enough to push Arthur away. He didn't want Arthur to touch anything as dirty as he was. Being in school made him calm down. He started to feel like he was a different person in there. He had finally fully separated the part of himself that didn't belong to Uther. Here he was safe, for now.


	8. A sleep over

The rest of the week flew. Merlin went to his classes and Uther didn't come to his room. He touched Merlin every time they rode from school to home, but Merlin could lock it out of his school self. His Mother had also been home so Merlin felt safer. Besides, he had finally learned some patterns in Uther's behaviour. He wouldn't come to Merlin's room nearly never if Hunith was home. He wouldn't touch Merlin on the way to school, only on the way back. He would only come after Arthur had been asleep at least an hour.

When saturday came and Hunith left after breakfast again, Uther squeezed Merlin's ass when Arthur went into the garden and reminded him of 'good manners' Merlin was supposed to have at Gwen's house, but that was it, he was free to go as soon as Elyan and Gwen would come and pick them up.

Three o'clock, when they were supposed to leave to meat Gwen and Elyan at the corner of the next road (where it was easier to turn), couldn't have come too soon for Merlin. He had finished packing two hours ago and was now sitting in the living room willing the clock move faster. "I can’t take this anymore…" He heard Arthur mutter from behind him at half past two. "Let’s go, we can be a bit early." Arthur said to him and took Merlin's bag. Merlin followed him to their entrance like a puppy.

After telling something to his father, Arthur motioned Merlin to follow him and they left. Arthur first called a cab to pick them up from the same street corner where Elyan had been supposed to pick them up and then to Elyan that they would meet them at the mall. Arthur couldn't help but smile how happy Merlin seemed to be outside of the house. Not that he hadn't been waiting this day either, but Merlin's joy was so pure it was contagious.

The cab left them nearby the entrance and soon they were wandering around commenting some stores and Arthur realised that while it had annoyed him when Merlin had first moved in, now seeing Merlin so happy about every small thing (like big stores, restaurants and people in general) made Arthur appreciate more what he got and had been used to having all his life. It was interesting really how Merlin managed to do that.

After a while Merlin saw one of those italian ice-cream shops and they decided to eat some ice-cream while waiting. Merlin ordered chocolate with chocolate sauce on it and Arthur got strawberry. "Be careful, you'll get fat if you keep eating like that." Arthur commented playfully as he saw his chance to observe Merlin's reaction to being called fat. Merlin looked him like he was the stupidest creature to roam on earth which made Arthur feel a bit self conscious.

"I would worry more about you… is that an extra kilo I see hanging on your waist?" Merlin asked before stuffing a large spoonful to his mouth. Arthur frowned at that but was secretly happy that Merlin didn't seem to think himself fat and kept ordering stuff like ice-cream and chocolate in his presence. "I'm well fit! And I was talking about you." He still wanted to make sure one more time. 

"I could eat Mount Doom full of chocolate and still be lighter than you. And speaking of which, I'm going to taste your ice-cream." That said Merlin took a spoonful of Arthur's strawberry ice-cream. He enjoyed the taste, this luxury ice-cream was not something one could find from his home village. When Arthur moved towards his portion, Merlin moved it from his reach. 

"Hey! It's only fair that I'll get some of yours too." Arthur whined and leaned towards Merlin trying to reach his plastic cup which Merlin was keeping at his arms length. Arthur noted happily how close Merlin was sitting to him. It was probably because they were in a long bench with some other people sitting couple of meters away in both directions, but still Arthur was happy to notice that Merlin chose to sit closer to him rather that in the half way of him and some random strangers.

Merlin blushed at the sudden closeness, he liked it very much, but he also felt a ghost of Uther's body pressing against his. He pushed Arthur away looking more serious so Arthur backed away. "You said you are fit…" Merlin said with serious tone "Yes I am!" Arthur replied in kind "and we want to keep it that way." Merlin continued with straight face. "Merlin you little…" Arthur said annoyed and ruffled Merlin's hair with a bit more force than necessary. Merlin blushed again but the contact didn't feel bad. He realised that Arthur was the only one who had ever done that to him. 

When the contact was gone, Merlin wanted to lean to Arthur and he had to concentrate very hard on eating his ice-cream so he wouldn't do just that. Arthur was now sitting so close that Merlin could feel the heat he was radiating. He had probably stayed there after he had tried to take Merlin's ice-cream without thinking anything of it. It felt rude to move away, so Merlin stayed put even if he felt his want slowly transform into self loath.

"There you are!" Merlin lifted his gaze to see Gwen waving at him from few meters away. "So, ready for shopping Merlin?" She said cheerfully when they reached them. "I wouldn't be if I were you, she can be a demon in a lingerie department." Elyan clearly had gotten over his be-nice-to-Gwen phase. "Of course I'm not going to buy lingeries with Merlin!" She told Elyan, maybe in a bit loud voice because Merlin saw people nearby turn their heads. "I'm sure there is a story to that…" Arthur commented to Merlin in a low voice while Gwen and Elyan continued to bicker. "I can get it out from Elyan and I'll tell you later." Arthur said with the same low voice earning a grin and a chuckle from Merlin.

When they finally calmed down enough to arrange a time and place to meet up and eat something, Merlin and Arthur had already finished their ice-creams long ago. After that Gwen took Merlin to the direction of clothes stores and Arthur left with Elyan to check out some games and sport stores. 

"So, what exactly you have in mind?" Merlin asked from Gwen. "Well… I'm not really too sure… something to wear in school, obviously, so nothing too fancy." she replied blushing a bit. Merlin had almost forgotten Lance, but he had quite a mixed feelings about him now. He still felt darker possibilities looming in the horizon now that he knew what adults could really do…

Merlin forcefully shook this from his mind because he felt a painful squeeze in his heart. 'Lance is a good guy… he told me that he wouldn't do anything like that.' He tried to reassure himself. 

"You still find it disturbing, don't you." Gwen said with a sad voice that made Merlin snap back to the reality. Still he had to think for a moment, what was Gwen talking about? "No, no. It's just- I'm a bit worried… But you said you will be careful?" He said when he finally caught on. "It really isn’t that serious, you know. I just want to look a bit nice and talk to him a bit… It's not like he could ever have interest in me, I'm just a child…"

Merlin could hear from her tone how disappointed she was. He tried to forget everything else for a second and focus on empathising on how Gwen felt. He had not much to go by so he tried to think how much similarities there were in his case of crush on Arthur. He couldn't rid himself from quilt and wasn't sure if that was a part of that feeling or just because Arthur was supposed to be his step brother, but still he felt the strong longing and the need to seem funny or intelligent or good looking …well in his case it was more like not hideous looking, but anyway, even if he knew he had no chance.He could relate to that.

Even so, most of the desperate feelings didn't come from the thought that it was impossible, but from the fact that his feelings were wrong. That he couldn't tell about them to even his closest friends because they would just tell him what he already knew. Gwen had said 'disturbed', it would be more like 'horrified' in Merlin's case if he ever decided to tell anyone, but he understood the feeling better now. The one that made heart sink so low it was hard to tell if it would ever come back to its original place. 'In a way this is something me and Gwen have in common' he thought. Both had some-one they wanted but couldn't have because of rules of society. Of course Merlin was way more deeper and so immoral that he couldn't really compare, but Gwen too… If she and Lance went out, there would be a ton of problems even if it somehow worked out.

"You have been quiet for a long time now…" Gwen said sounding worried like Merlin could at any given time abandon her into this … women's clothing store they apparently were now… Merlin had no idea how they had gotten there. "Sorry. Gwen I understand, I'll support you. Whatever happens remember, I'm here and I won't judge you and I will look after you." He said this because he had to get Gwen some peace of mind. He couldn't have any himself, but Gwen was his friend. He had to try, even if he didn't know how much help he could be. Gwen's face lit like a candle and she hugged Merlin strongly. "Thank you Merlin, you are the best friend I could ever have!" At first Merlin had to keep himself from pushing Gwen away but soon he relaxed. Gwen was soft and warm and smelled like her jacket had smelled. He realised how much he had needed just a warm hug when Gwen pulled off.

"So you don't mind if I tell you silly girly details from now on?" Gwen asked him when they had been quiet for a while just flipping clothes to find something for Gwen. "It's easier for me to keep eye on you so, please. Just no fantasies. I don't want to hear fantasies about my gym teacher." Merlin replied much more lighter tone than he felt and ignored how there were really a lot less interesting fantasies for him than Lance. Gwen punched him at his elbow for that. Merlin chuckled at her. Teasing Gwen was fun and Merlin suddenly remembered some good material for that. "So you told me that you have had some other crushes, care to share?" 

Gwen almost dropped what was in her hand. "Like I would tell… I'm never going to tell you anything anymore…" He mumbled but Merlin knew she didn't mean it. "Come on… you know I won’t tell anyone. At least not to many..." He continued teasing and Gwen shot him a murderous look but also relaxed. She trusted Merlin.

"Ok, if I tell you some, will you leave me alone?" she asked seemingly embarrassed. Merlin grinned and nodded. Gwen sighed and told him about her middle-school crush who was her dance partner in spring festival "He hated me and I tried to follow him everywhere telling I wanted to practice more…" and about her crush for some of the friends Elyan brought home sometimes "I never had even courage to even talk to them…" And finally to more recent things "This, you will swear on your life that you will not tell anyone, are we clear?" Merlin nodded again. They were having good time and whatever it would be he wouldn't tell. "Well, for awhile- I just, well... Ok, it's Arthur."

Merlin was quiet for a moment. So he had been right, in a way, he had been worried a bit that Gwen would have a crush on Arthur. The past tense however made him relax enough to say in mock realisation "I knew it! So that's why you hung out with me, you wanted to get closer to Arthur! I knew there was a reason." Gwen pushed him with one extremely pink dress which happened to be in her hand. "You are worse today than my brother!" but she was also laughing. "And for the record I was friends with you first and besides… Ok, just don't think of it too much… I might have had a little, tiny, crush on you at one point…" Gwen glanced at Merlin to see his reaction.

Merlin was very surprised. He wasn't sure if he should be happy or not… he at least was happy that Gwen didn't have crush on him anymore because that would soon make things complicated. After quick thought to it however, he decided to be flattered and just plain happy that someone could look at him like that. "Thanks, I guess… I never really thought that any girl would like me." 'or boy' he sighed in his head. Gwen smiled at him "You have your own charm but right now, I would rather have you as a friend. You are too good to lose." This made Merlin smile widely. That was definitely a good thing. What had he done to deserve a friend like Gwen?

They spend a while looking some dresses and they found some nice tunics and one dress Gwen could try on. "I hope you don't find this boring…we'll go to see the men’s department next." Gwen promised when she disappeared to the changing rooms. Actually Merlin didn't mind. He had fun being with Gwen and actually women's department was more interesting compared to men’s department. Sure in the later one he had an interest of choosing himself some clothes, but women's department had so much more variation it was fun to see what there was this time. 

While he was waiting for Gwen to change he had time to think about Gwen and Lance some more. He thought if it was possible at all, should he try to help them? Could Lance be trusted? They both had feelings but how different they were? Gwen's was a crush but what was Lances? Also a crush? Lust? Did he like Gwen because Gwen was young or like he said, because Gwen doesn't seem so young? 'I was sure she was eighteen…' Merlin remembered Lance telling him. And well, 18 and 22 years olds dating… that wasn't sounding so bad. Even if the age difference was just about two years smaller. Gwen wasn't in Lance’s class and if he really only knew that she was Elyan's sister… If he hadn't seen her by chance in school before, that was believable, from the two of them Gwen really did seem older.

"Merlin, what do you think?" Gwen was out and she now had one of the tunics Merlin had found. It was light purple with some cream coloured lace making an empire cut. It looked nice on Gwen who had been sceptic if violet was her colour. "You look nice" He commented. Gwen smiled at him but wasn't satisfied "Does this make me look too childish?" she asked. "Well, it doesn't make you seem older… but lets see the rest first." Merlin tried to analyse. Gwen beamed "I need to shop with you more often!" and then she disappeared again and Merlin continued his thinking. 

When had Lace realised that Gwen wasn't eighteen? And why hadn't he given up at that point? Could he really… love Gwen? So that the age didn't matter? with that, Merlin had a completely new thought. There is a difference between love and sex. Uther certainly didn't love him but he still… Merlin again forced that thought away. He had to breath a couple of times before he could continue thinking straight. He didn't have sex with Arthur but he certainly loved him… He loved him. He wasn't someone like Uther. He didn't have to have sex with Arthur, he wouldn't make him do anything like- like that. Maybe he could just love Arthur, for all of his life and never hurt him by being homo. He could hide it, couldn't he? Like Lance said he wouldn't do anything. Merlin loved Arthur… He felt these words fit in his mind perfectly.

"How about this?" Gwen was again in front of him now wearing a light brown woollen dress knitted with white patterns reaching a bit under her knee. "I like that. That would be perfect for the winter though… You have any brown flower you could put in your hair?" Merlin used every ounce of his fashion sense for commenting Gwen who seemed to appreciate it. "No... but I have some small white roses…" She mused. "I think this would be great.” was Merlin's honest opinion. “Is it expensive?" 

Gwen looked at the price tag hanging on her side and her eyes widened a bit. "Yes… It's about all the money I have saved from my birthday." Merlin knew that Gwen's family wasn't very well off. Their mother had died when Gwen was young and their father had wanted to give them a good education and most of their money went to the tuitions along with the money Gwen's mother had left them. That was also the reason why Gwen had decided she wouldn't drive a license for herself, Elyan had saved for his own and he took them to school so Gwen didn't need it so much. For Merlin that was easy to understand, he and his mother had gotten much less. 

"What is that red mark on it?" He asked as he spotted something on the price tag. "Oh! It's in discount, it's 30% off…" She still seemed to think so Merlin said "Let’s make a deal, I'll pay half of it as your late birthday present and you will bake me something good when we get to your place." He had barely touched the money he had gotten from Uther his last birthday and what he had gathered from Arthur, the money would increase now and then but he didn't want to just pay things for Gwen. He himself would have felt uncomfortable with charity.

Gwen's eyes lit "Really? Oh, I'll bake you anything you want!" She danced back to the fitting room and after two more tunics they went to the cashier and bought only the dress. After that they went to find something for Merlin. They had good time. Gwen would find something hideous and they would laugh and Merlin would joke about how all the men were expected to enjoy black, gray and blue. Finally Gwen found some green and purple long sleeved shirts with no text like 'surfing in Costa Rica -78' or something like that. Seriously what is up with men’s clothing… The fabric was nice and after three stores full of gray and black, Merlin liked the colours. He bought one dark green and one purple shirt and they continued to see if he could find a college to go with them.

After two more stores they were finally happy. Gwen had one shirt, one tunic and the dress and Merlin had three new shirts and a warm brown college. They had also found some hair accessory to match Gwen’s new shirt. Merlin felt a bit tired, it wasn't easy to shop like this with a girl. He felt like he had used all of his vocabulary, twice. When they arrived at the front of a restaurant that sold hamburgers, salads, pizza and pasta, they had agreed meeting, Arthur and Elyan were nowhere to be seen.

"Hold this one for me will you?" Gwen asked before giving her new dress to Merlin as she was trying to fold all her new stuff into one plastic bag. Merlin opened the dress and put it at his arm’s length to see it better. The pattern really was nice. 'Lance is an idiot if doesn't notice Gwen in this…' He found himself thinking. Also he was glad because it was in no way sexy, but stylish. "That suits you Merlin." Merlin looked up just to see Arthur grinning like a mad man in front of him.

It took one very confused second for Merlin to look down on the dress and back at Arthur. "Oh no, it's not for me." Merlin knew immediately that he should have joked or laughed or anything else than try to deny it. Arthur laughed at him and Elyan commented "Well at least it suits you better that it would suit this thing here." pointing at Gwen with his thumb which earned him a hit from Gwen’s full shopping bag. This made Arthur laugh even harder.

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The restaurant was nice. Merlin ate well and he was quite sure that he was succeeding in getting weight. He also noted dully that he hadn't vomited in a week now. He never would have thought he would be rather vomiting Uther’s load from his throat that something else in the world, but what had he known.

When they left the restaurant, everyone was so full that it felt like a miracle they all could walk to Elyans car. Even Arthur who usually ate a lot. Merlin and Gwen agreed that it would be better if Gwen baked some other day if they didn't want to spent the night by collecting pieces of blown up Merlin. They drove mostly complaining how stuffed they were, Merlin sitting in the back with Arthur. Merlin felt tired now that he was so full and after all the shopping he wanted nothing more that to lean to Arthur’s side and close his eyes for a moment.

Instead of doing that, Merlin leaned to the cool window and edged himself as far away from Arthur as possible. He kept his hands on his lap and he tried to stay awake. It wasn't a long ride and after they had parked on a side of the street Gwen and Elyan lived, Merlin found himself waking up in the cool night air.

The house was nice. Merlin found comfort of its modest size and it felt homey. He felt a nostalgia to his old home back in the countryside. He really wished he could go back there and forget about Uther and himself, but here he also had so much he wasn't ready to give up. 'I really am a selfish person…' he thought a bit depressed.

They watched a movie and ate some popcorn and goofed around in the living room when Gwen’s dad came home. "I see you are having a good time here." Merlin who had sat on the corner of the sofa, his legs up so no one could sit too close to him jumped with fright. When he turned, he saw a robust black man right behind him and his first reaction was fear. 

"Hi dad, we are going to sleep soon." Gwen said to him still giggling for something Arthur had just said. "It's alright, just finish the movie and remember to clean up, I'm going to sleep after I eat something. Have fun!" with that he left to the direction of kitchen.

Merlin’s heart was beating fast. He really didn't feel good about sleeping in the same house with a man who he didn't know. He tried to calm himself down by thinking that he would be sleeping with Gwen and calculating different routes out from the house. He also remembered that the doors here probably weren't as thick as they were in Uther’s house. He would have to check if they could be locked.

Elyan turned the volume down a bit because his father had worked a long sift and probably wanted to sleep soon. This made Merlin a bit happier. Not just the fact that the man he didn't know would be tired and go to sleep soon, but the way Elyan wanted to be considerate spoke volumes of what kind of a man he was.

When the movie ended, they started to search for extra mattresses for Merlin and Arthur. When they had their beds ready they retired to their rooms. Merlin changed his clothes in bathroom while Gwen changed hers in her room. Merlin was happy to see that there was no lock in Gwen’s door and he relaxed. He knocked to make sure Gwen was ready and when he heard Gwen tell him to come in, he went straight to lay on his mattress. Merlin was high on happiness and he wanted to talk with Gwen all night.

"I can't wait to try that on." Gwen said pointing at her new dress which was already waiting for her on her chair. "I just bet you can't wait to show it to Lance." Merlin teased. Gwen blushed "Do you think he would like it?" she asked Merlin in a quiet, shy voice. "He would be stupid if not." Merlin said honestly and Gwen looked pleased. "Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked which surprised Merlin, he hadn't thought his opinion would count. "Yes." He said again honestly.

Gwen was silent for a moment before asking sounding a bit embarrassed "Umm, when I told you that I had a tiny crush on you… well, did you ever have a crush on me?" Merlin laughed a little before remembering that it was a serious question, Gwen didn't know he was gay.

"No. I didn't. But I still know you are pretty and funny and a great person to have in life." He felt a strong need to explain more to his friend. He wanted to tell Gwen he was gay. There was unequally in their relationship when he knew Gwen’s secret and she didn't know about his. Even if he never wanted her to know somethings, maybe he could trust in her not to hate him if she knew he didn't like girls… But the fear held his tongue.

Gwen gave him the most beautiful smile Merlin could imagine. It was full of honest gratitude and caring. "Thank you, that really means alot to me." she said. Merlin just smiled at her. "Merlin, I trust your opinion and well, I wanted to ask you about Lance… what do you think about him?" Merlin sighed. He wasn't sure himself. He again felt his paranoia rise its head and he tried to keep to the facts when he opened his mouth. "Lance is… a good teacher. He cares about his students and he is nice… I like him and he seems responsible. Arthur also likes him and often talks about his methods with the football team." Gwen seemed like she was listening a description of something perfectly perfect which made Merlin feel uneasy. He was worried, but would he make matters worse if he told Gwen that Lance also liked Gwen?

"What if Lance liked you back? What would you do?" He asked. It wasn't too suspicious, right? Gwen blushed darkly "I- I would be happy and hope that our age difference would not get in the way…" This wasn't what Merlin wanted to know so he pressed the subject "What if he wanted to have sex with you?" He had to push all thoughts concerning himself far away so he could concentrate on Gwen’s reply. 

"I- I… I wouldn't want that yet…" Gwen was now resembling a very dark tomato. "I would want to wait until I'm older…" She didn't look at Merlin anymore and she fidgeted the hem of her night shirt but Merlin wouldn't let her get away with this. "What if he forced himself on you?" with this Gwen raised her head again. They were now both sitting on their beds and looking each others in the eyes.

It took a while before Gwen replied with a serious tone "I wouldn't let that happen." not even blinking. "But-" Merlin tried but was cut of by Gwen. "My mother was killed by a rapist who went too far, I have thought these things since a long time ago." Merlin didn't know how to reply. This was the first time Gwen had spoke anything related to her mother’s death. "I would be careful. I would have enough dates in public places to know what kind of a person he is. I would make clear that I don't want anything too heavy before I'm older and I would stop seeing him the minute I thought there is some motive I don't like."

This effectively shut Merlin up. Gwen had really thought about this. He himself never had thought about these thing and who was he to judge anyway? He wasn't a virgin anymore… and what had he done to prevent that? He swallowed but his voice sounded hollow in his own ears. "I see… I'm sorry." Gwen who had looked stern while speaking now smiled at him fondly "It's alright, I'm glad that you worry about me but really you don't have to. And besides… Lance doesn't seem like a person who would be after someone’s body. I wouldn't like him otherwise."

Merlin had to agree on this one. 'Yes… he really doesn't seem like that.' he thought. Merlin had been focusing on the worst case scenario and now he felt silly. He had yelled at one of his favourite teachers and made his best friend worried… awesome. "Ok, I'll trust you on this and if he would do anything you don't like, you can tell me and I'll make Arthur kick his ass." He concluded firmly. Gwen laughed at Merlin and the seriousness was gone. "You know I have a big brother for that?" she asked with humour. "It's not that I don't appreciate your … Arthur persuading skills…" she added quickly and Merlin also laughed "I would have offered myself but I guess you would do much better job with ass kicking than me."

Gwen laughed even harder and soon they were comparing Merlin’s ass kicking skills and manliness to some very unflattering things. They were close to hysteria when Gwen interrupted it. "I have told you about everything important about my life now. What about you? Do you have anyone you fancy?" She said curious all over her face. Merlin’s laughter calmed down in a second. He felt his face grow hot and he didn't know what to say. He wanted to share his thoughts with Gwen but… He felt sudden paranoia of Arthur being just across the hall. It felt too risky to tell about his feeling for Arthur, but maybe, just maybe, he could trust Gwen.

"I… I have never had any girl I like….like that." He said quietly his heart hammering in his chest. He tried to find words so he could tell her without telling that he liked Arthur. Gwen looked very interested now. She was hanging on the edge of her bed, her eyes sparkling.  
Merlin was almost there when he heard a small noise from outside the door. He saw some shadow pass from under the door and he knew what that was. Arthur and Elyan were spying them. His face went blank. Gwen blinked at him and followed his trail of vision. Merlin made a gesture to her door and Gwen immediate caught on. She was rising from her bed an angry look on her face when Merlin stopped her with his arm. Gwen looked like a question mark and Merlin made her a silent sign to play along.

"But anyway, let’s talk about Elyan, I promised to tell you everything about that one time didn't I?" He said in a bit louder than necessary with tone that suggested that Gwen knew exactly what he was talking about. "Ooo, yes and then I'll tell you about that one time Arthur was sleeping over the first time and- " She didn't get to continue further when Gwen’s door banged open to relieve two fluttered idiots. "Merlin! You promised!" and "That was only one time. One time! And it's NOT worth mentioning!" Merlin looked at Gwen who looked back and they both burst into a mighty laugh.

"Did you see their faces?!" Gwen asked Merlin through her giggles "I did… serves you right!" Merlin tried to breathe and point at the still quiet duo by the door. "You know it’s past midnight don't you." Merlin stopped his laughing when he saw Gwen’s father standing behind Arthur and Elyan. "Ah, Sorry dad, we'll quiet down now…" Elyan said sounding sorry. "Please do. If you want to talk, take the rest of the mattresses here and close the door. I want to sleep now. And you will have to make me breakfast to make this up for me." They all nodded and Gwen promised to make breakfast if Elyan cleaned the mattresses away. Elyan made a face but agreed. "I can't make a good breakfast anyway…" he mumbled. "Good, now good night." Their father said and returned to his own room. Merlin had to admit that he liked Gwen’s father, Tom, a bit and his previous uneasiness was gone. 'I have to try to not think the worst of every new people I meet…' he thought.

Arthur lifted his mattress next to Merlin’s and Elyan lifted his futon (Gwen told Merlin that her brother had had a period when he had liked oriental stuff very much and he had sold his bed online and bought a futon) facing Gwen’s bed his feet under Gwen’s desk. Merlin and Arthur moved closer to the door to make room to their heads side. The floor was now so cramped they would have to move the mattresses to get the door open at the morning.

When they were all comfortably under their blankets (Merlin located as far from Arthur as he could without being suspicious) Merlin had to ask "So, care to explain, why were you spying on us?" 

"Because they are like little children." Gwen answered for them. Elyan grinned and Arthur dodged the attention by asking from Merlin "So is it true you haven't liked anyone?" Merlin automatically moved further away from Arthur and snapped "None of your business." 

"You are turning red…" Arthur teased. Merlin wasn't sure if that was true, but now he was feeling too hot. "Shut up." He said and turned to his side so he didn't face Arthur. 'If I hadn't heard them…' Merlin felt fear burn in his heart and he was so relieved he had kept his mouth shut. He would never ever talk to anyone about anything like this if he wasn't absolutely sure no-one could hear.

"And you yourself have many girlfriend in your pocket?" Gwen asked Arthur sarcastically. She was obviously not happy that their conversation was ruined before and to Merlin, she sounded like she knew something he didn't. "How would I have time for girls when I have to lead a team?" Arthur asked with I-don't-really-care attitude. "Merlin on the other hand has all the time in the world. Not even someone from your old home?" Merlin didn't want to discus this with Arthur even though he felt annoyingly happy that Arthur had no-one in particular. "I really didn't have much choice. Elyans feet are more attractive than some of the girls in my class back home." He said remembering especially one Evelyn who had a habit of eating her own snot. 'I guess there was a reason I realised I'm gay only when I moved here…' He thought without humour.

"Whoa there, my feet are flattered and all but they don't feel that way about you!" Elyan joined the conversation and Merlin took a traumatised look on his face. "So cold, I never had the chance to even get to know them better and I'm already rejected? Oh, cruel world…" They all laughed and laughed some more to some silly jokes until Tom knocked the door to inform them that it was past one o’clock now. After that they calmed down and gradually fell asleep. Merlin first tried to ignore Arthur lying next to him but soon he gave up and thought 'Maybe it doesn't matter if I just enjoy it a little bit?' He turned around to see Arthur’s closed eyes and peaceful expression. He had turned onto his back and his pyjamas top button was open. Merlin felt his face grow hot but he ignored it. No one would see anyway with the lights off, only dim light coming through curtains. 

Merlin was surprisingly tired and they way he was aware of Arthur’s presence lulled him to sleep. He felt safe and peaceful with the sound of breathing that filled the room and he fell into a deep sleep.

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Arthur was not tired. He usually had been asleep hours at this time, but now he felt uncommonly awake besides Merlin. He heard Merlin turn, but he didn't want to open his eyes. Maybe he would fall asleep if he just kept them closed? He had good time earlier with Elyan playing some games, but when they had gotten tired of looking at the screen Arthur had felt the want to talk to Merlin and he felt it was pity to sleep in the other room when he could be there with Merlin. These days out of his home were rare for him too. So he had suggested that they checked out what 'the girls' were up to. Elyan didn't need any more encouragement and they had sneaked to listen what was up in Gwen’s room.

"… and hey, seriously, I am stronger than an average bunny rabbit, I'll have you know that!" It had been Merlin sounding hysterical. "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, rabbits can be vicious!" Gwens voice was loud and ragged from the edges, like she was trying to speak through so much laughter that she had trouble breathing. Elyan commented quietly "Man, they have better party than we do." in which Arthur replied "Obviously, we are sitting behind their door…"

The laughter had started to die down a bit and Gwen had asked a question with more serious tone "I have told you about everything important about my life now… What about you? Do you have anyone you fancy?" This had sparked Arthur’s interest. He had asked if Merlin liked Gwen, but he really hadn't dared to ask if he liked anyone else. Arthur had waited curiously while Merlin had been silent "I- I have never had any girl I like….like that." For some reason this had made Arthur happy. He had never liked anyone like that either and he was eager to learn more of what Merlin thought of the topic, but there had been also something else. He shifted his foot to a better position. There had been a long pause and Arthur had grown impatient. Even now that he was trying to fall asleep, he wasn't entirely sure why, because he really didn't feel like teasing Merlin about this. He felt… glad?

"But anyway, let’s talk about Elyan, I promised to tell you everything about that one time didn't I?" Arthur had seen Elyan tense from the corner of his eye and he had wondered what that meant when he heard "Ooo, yes and then I'll tell you about that one time Arthur was sleeping over the first time and… " 'No, not that!' Had been Arthur’s only thought and with that he and Elyan had moved as one to open the door. As soon as they had seen Merlin’s face looking directly at the door they had know they had been tricked.

Now Arthur was lying next to Merlin and he still didn't seem satisfied. He thought absentmindedly at Merlin’s behaviour today and came to the conclusion that he had been worrying for nothing. Merlin didn't seem so thin anymore. He was thin alright, but maybe the sticking ribs had just been a trick of light.

He turned his head towards Merlin and opened his eyes. Merlin’s eyes were closed and he was breathing calmly. He was fast asleep. Arthur looked at Merlin’s hair that was visible only because of the contrast they had against a light blue pillowcase. He wondered if Merlin would wake up if Arthur touched his hair… There was that thought again. What was with him and hair all of a sudden… But did that matter? He moved his hand slowly towards Merlin and he touched very lightly some tips of Merlin’s short hair.

He pulled his hand back when Merlin shifted slightly collecting more blanket to his face. After he was sure that Merlin was still asleep, Arthur felt amused at that. He himself liked to sleep in cool, he got hot easily and he normally didn't wear pyjama shirt, only pants. He thought it for a moment, but then turned his blanket so that half was on his legs and half on Merlins. Then he closed his eyes again and felt the day and the darkness get to him and he too, fell asleep.


	9. Back to 'home'

Merlin woke up when Arthur shook him. "Breakfast, Merlin, you lazy blanket thief…" Merlin opened his eyes and tried to make sense of what Arthur meant and where he was. He soon realised his whereabouts and soon after that he noticed the two blankets he had on him. No wonder it felt warm. It took one more second to come to a conclusion that the other blanket was Arthur’s.

Merlin blushed but luckily Arthur had already turned to leave. "I'll eat your breakfast if you don't hurry." He said cheerfully and walked out leaving the door open. Merlin saw the kitchen and smelled pancakes. Gwen waved her spatula at him and told him to come to eat while they were hot. Merlin smiled and moved to a sitting position. He froze in a middle of getting up when he felt his pyjama pants too tight. He had an erection… He couldn't believe himself! This wasn't the first time he had morning wood, but why, why now?! Was it because he had slept next to Arthur? Or because his blanket? He tried to remember his dreams desperately but couldn't. What could he do? This was so humiliating and the door was open and he had to get up…

Merlin lied back down and buried himself to the blankets. He tried not to think anything and slowly he felt the tension lessen. When he had made extra sure he no longer had any evidence of his previous problem, he finally got up.

"Finally! Your sleeping abilities amaze me…" Arthur commented while Gwen sat down her own portion also ready. There was a plate of pancakes in front of an empty chair reserved for him and another in the middle of the table full of them. Gwen’s father also sat on the table almost finished with his portion. "That was delicious, Gwen. I have to leave soon for work… I trust it's clean here when I get back?" He said when he had eaten the last bit of his portion. "It will, I'll make sure Elyan cleans. Do you want some more to take with you?" Gwen said calmly to his father sounding more like a mother than a daughter. Her father smiled gently if not bit tiredly. "Thanks. I'll have few, if you could put them in a lunch box while I change?" He replied the smile never leaving his features. "Of course." Gwen replied cheerfully.

'She really is mature… no wonder Lance didn't realise she is only fifteen…' Merlin thought and wondered absentmindedly when Lance had figured it out and from who. 'Probably from Gwen herself because Lance thinks she’s already sixteen... Elyan would have said fifteen and the school record too.' He pondered. He had kind of missed his chance to correct Lance when they were talking and now he saw no reason to it, Gwen would be sisteen soon anyway.

As Merlin ate he avoided Arthur’s eyes and concentrated on eating. He felt a bit shy in his presence and ashamed of himself for being like- like that right next to Arthur the whole night. He had no idea how he had managed to steal Arthur’s blanket and he hoped that Arthur hadn't woken up when he had done that. He could only hope that Arthur hadn't thought anything of it (more than being annoyed which he surely was). Luckily right now Arthur was conversing with Elyan and Gwen and the kitchen was full of noise and cheerful laughter. Gradually Merlin felt more at home than in a long time. He too joined the conversation after a while.

The pancakes were delicious and Merlin told Gwen that now they were even, which made Gwen remember the dress and she left her dishes to the table for grumbling Elyan to take care of and skipped to her room to change. When she came out about twenty minutes later she had the dress and dark brown stockings and three small flowers pinning some of her hair behind her left ear. "How do I look?" She asked shyly. Elyan made a noise like trying to get as much breath in his lungs as he could in order to tell his opinion. "I didn't ask you." Gwen told him before he could which made him breath out sounding overly disappointed. "I think you look lovely." Merlin told her smiling fondly. Arthur glanced at him with bit of suspicion. Could Merlin have a crush on Gwen anyway… He wouldn't have told Gwen if he liked her, right?

Gwen looked happy and she jumped a bit. "I really should shop with you more often." she said and sat down besides Merlin. She then reached for Merlin with an extra flower in her hand and pinned it behind Merlin’s ear. This of course made Arthur laugh and Merlin felt pleased hearing that sound. He decided to play along this time "Does it suit me?" He asked tilting his head towards Arthur and Gwen laughed and Arthur almost fell from his chair. Elyan grumbled at them for having fun and making him do the dishes.

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The time to go home came too soon. Merlin knew his mother wouldn't be home and he felt uneasy going back to the house. Would he get used to it ever? Going back there… Arthur also seemed to want to stay as long as possible, but when his father called to ask when they would be home, Merlin knew that they didn't have much time. Arthur lied something about cleaning up and gathering their project before ending the call with "Yes father".

"I suppose it was some school work again you came here for…" Elyan commented dryly. "Yeah… chemistry." Arthur answered absentmindedly. Gwen nodded and Merlin realised that this was the reason Gwen had opposed Uther being so strict before. She had known that Arthur had to lie to get out of the house and that it now applied to Merlin. If only he too had the courage to lie to Uther…

When they were putting their jackets on Merlin’s hand swept his ear and he suddenly remembered the flower. He took it off from his hair and put it gently to Gwen’s. "Thank you for inviting me over." He said and Gwen smiled at him warmly. "See you at school tomorrow." and they left. Elyans car was cold for being outside all night. Arthur took the plastic bag Merlin had for his new clothes. "I'll hide this into my bag, I'll sneak it to you somehow." Merlin agreed. It wasn't good idea to risk Uther seeing his purchases and his bag was full.

Merlin and Arthur talked only a little on the way home. They both were a bit tired so when Elyan put some music on, Merlin took the opportunity to just watch the scenery and the neighbourhood Gwen lived in. It looked so nice here… He had been blown away at first about Uther’s house and the area but now he had trouble even liking it. Elyan dropped them in the same street corner they had left yesterday with the cab. Arthur told Merlin that the real reason why they only drove here was that his father didn't appreciate Elyan’s style very much. Nor his car which was cheap. He didn't want anyone to see it drive to his front door.

The house was quiet and big and Merlin felt empty. He liked Gwen’s home much better. Arthur called for his father, but no one answered. Arthur quickly opened his bag and handed Merlin his purchases. "He must be in his study, remember that we left the work to Gwen to take to school tomorrow." He flashed Merlin a smile before moving towards exit again. He changed his jacket and shoes and took a football from a cupboard. "I'll go and think of something for the warm up for next week, tell father I'm in the field if he asks!" And he went. In Merlin’s mind it was almost cute how Arthur kept referring the little area in their garden where the grass was solid and cut for the purpose, as ‘the field’.

Merlin took his new clothes to his room being sure that Uther would jump from some corner any time and demand what Merlin was carrying. To his relief, nothing happened and he threw the bag into his closet. He would wear something new tomorrow. That thought at least made him a bit happier. For a while Merlin waited Uther to make his appearance, but after a while he relaxed when nothing happened. He didn't have anything to do and with time he found himself lying from the floor feeling bored. He didn't remember what he used to do before when he had free time and he really couldn't imagine anything new either. 'I could try on those new shirts…' but he dismissed the idea fast because he still couldn't be sure if Uther would come.

Merlin briefly thought of going to see what Arthur was doing or even help him to practice, but he didn't want Arthur to figure out how desperately he wanted to be in his company. 'This sucks.' Was Merlin’s honest opinion. He observed his room from this unusual ankle but it went old fast. His perfectly painted roof wasn't very intriguing. 'Is Arthur’s room the same…?' He wondered and started to think of all the differences of his and Arthur’s rooms he culd remember. First of all their layouts were mirror images but the alcoves where Merlin’s couch was, were on the same sides of their rooms. Merlin bed was on the opposite wall from the couch and Arthurs was on the same wall a low bookcase in between them. Arthur also had a tv under his window so he could watch it from his couch and where Merlin had his couch, Arthur had his desk. Merlin didn't have a tv and his desk was under the window. He had liked the view before, but nowadays he felt it unnerving that he had to work his back to the door (which opened too quietly to his tastes…). Arthur’s room was decorated mainly with strong colours like red and dark brown while Merlin’s was mostly soft tones of purple and gray. Apparently they were chosen by Arthur’s sister Morgana, whose room this had used to be.  
Merlin had never seen her and Arthur seemed to find talking about her annoying while he clearly also was fond of her in a very little brother way, still their relationship seemed complicated. To Merlin it seemed a bit odd that Morgana had not once visited them, not even for the wedding. He remembered Arthur once mentioning that she and Uther didn't get along and that Morgana was now in university. But that was everything Arthur seemed to know.

Merlin let his thoughts wander and finally he remembered the feeling of Arthur laying next to him and he turned to his side and closed his eyes imaging Arthur next to him reaching for his hair… He wasn't sure why that felt so real but with that feeling he fell asleep. He was laying on a hard wooden floor but he felt comfortable and warm and he slept with a pleasant dream of Arthur caressing his hair.

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Arthur had a good time making up new routines for his team. He had always been one for physical routine. But he would have liked someone to practice with him. He had thought of asking Merlin to join him but he had decided on waiting if he would come himself. Obviously Merlin didn't show up, so he was alone. For the first half an hour he half waited Merlin to come for him, but after that he fully engaged himself on making his routines. He wanted to make something new and inspiring for his team. For Arthur whatever he had to do was worth the trouble if he could make the people depending on him do their best.

When he was ready he noticed that it was almost dinner time. He took his ball and patted most of the grass and mud stuck onto it away before entering the house like he always did. His father hated every kind of mess. For this reason he also stepped out of his shoes before entering. When he had showered and was making his way to the dining room, he felt a need to check on Merlin. Merlin’s door was half open (which was unusual) and when Arthur opened it fully, he saw Merlin lying on his floor, sleeping. 'Again… does he ever do anything else?' he thought while walking towards Merlin.

He stopped by Merlin’s side and looked at him awhile. Merlin seemed peaceful and calm. Arthur wasn't sure if he had seen Merlin like this at any other time but sleeping. He liked it. If his father wasn't already downstairs he wouldn't have dared to wake Merlin up but sadly, he had to. He could have just shaken him awake but on a sudden impulse he lied right next to Merlin and just called his name. "Merlin, it's time to wake up…" he said with a soft tone that surprised himself.

For a moment he wasn't sure if Merlin had even heard him but apparently even Merlin didn't sleep too soundly on a hardwood floor. Merlin opened his eyes slowly and for a moment he smiled. Arthur had never seen him smile quite like that and he could just stare at Merlin’s blue eyes while Merlin seemed slowly wake up. Eventually his smile faltered. 

"Arthur! Wha- what are you doing?" He finally realised who, what and where he was and rose quickly to a sitting position. Arthur frowned a bit. He felt… disappointed of Merlin’s smile disappearing, but he couldn't let it show. "Waking you up. It's dinner time." He said more calmly than he felt, still laying on the floor. Merlin looked at him like he had another head and finally blushed. 'Maybe because he's embarrassed that I found him sleeping on the floor?' Arthur thought.

"So, dinner you said…" Merlin mumbled, stood up and moved to the door without looking at Arthur again. Arthur slowly lifted himself from the floor and made his way to downstairs too. 'pretty…smiling Merlin is pretty.' This thought was more than a bit worrying but he let it slide. He wasn't so sure anymore how exactly he saw Merlin…

Merlin felt mortified. He actually had confused his dreams and reality. And this was not the only time he felt he wasn't quite there. 'I have to keep it together better…' He told himself. His good dreams, his bad dreams, Uther’s voice, his paranoia to new people… This was getting out of hand. He wasn't sure anymore where the inside of his head started and where it ended. In his dream Arthur had been laying next to him. He had caressed Merlin’s hair and spoken to him with a soft voice. And Merlin had smiled at him and hed been about to tell Arthur how he loved him… He wasn't sure when the dream had ended. He wasn't even sure if Arthur had really been laying next to him on the floor or if he had imagined it. Maybe Arthur had really been standing or maybe he just told called him from the hallway… It would make much more sense.

Merlin had a hard time tolerating of being himself that night. He couldn't face Arthur and he avoided Uther’s gaze like it would burn him alive. Even his endless studying didn't distract him from being scared that he would mix up his fantasies to reality and say or do something that would make everyone know… For the first time since this all started, he felt like he didn't want to go to school. There were so many people there… Finally he closed his book in frustration and went to lay on his couch.

'This is real…' He thought laying there 'I live here, I go to school, Gwen, Elyan and Arthur are my friends….' It hurt a bit to group Arthur as his friend but at the same time he was ashamed and quilt swirled inside of him for wanting anything else. 'My mother loves me… at least if she never finds out about this…' He was aware that he was technically cheating her mother being like this with her husband. He shuddered. 'Does that mean that Uther is also cheating mother with…me…?' That was a bizarre thought. 'Does it count if Uther thinks I'm disgusting? But… he also gets hard… he came inside of me…'

Merlin had to open his eyes just to see his ceiling and a dim light coming from his reading light. He could again smell Uther’s smell and hear him panting. The imaginary fated slowly leaving Merlin with cold sweat and feeling sick. 'I'm on my couch, I'm alone…' he had to reassure himself. 'He has cummed on me- in me a lot of times…' Now Merlin had to rise to a sitting position so nothing would come up.

Merlin had never questioned this before, not really, but why did Uther do what he did? '…as an adult I have the responsibility to protect anyone under aged from doing anything they could regret in the future…' He suddenly remembered Lance’s words. He surely was underaged but if he was sure about something today, Uther didn't want to protect him.  
Merlin felt suddenly angry. What the hell protecting even meant? Could someone protect him from liking other males? Could someone protect him from wanting Arthur, from loving him? Could someone protect him from Uther… He hated the thought of Uther coming again and again. He didn't want him near. He hurt Merlin, he made Merlin vomit, he made Merlin hate himself… But no-one would help… He was on this alone and no one could know…

His anger slowly changed to depression. He had nothing he could do. Telling himself to anyone felt like it had all been for nothing. He would have to tell everyone that he was gay and that he lusted for his supposed to be step-brother and the pictures… Uther would show them to everybody and they would know what he had done…

Merlin covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath. He had to calm down… He had to keep himself together… Or he would expose himself.

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He was there until Uther came into his room. Merlin was so deep inside of his mind he didn't even hear Uther until he was standing next to him. "What a disappointment you are…" Merlin’s blood ran cold and he almost fell from where he was sitting. His heart was racing painfully in his chest and he felt dizzy. "Take off your clothes." This was it. Again and again he would have to do this. Uther would never leave him alone. Could he get away with just giving him a head? 'I have to get him away from my couch…' This thought wasn't very logical but Merlin really didn't want Uther taking him on the only place he still could sleep.

Merlin rose and let Uther take his shirt off while he tried to lead him towards his bed as slowly as he could. Uther opened his own belt and pushed Merlin’s shoulder to make him kneel. Merlin couldn't help but feel a bit relieved. "Such a happy expression… you really do what this don't you? You want it in your mouth and up in your ass, don't you?" Merlin couldn't reply. He felt shame shallow him and he knew he couldn't argue to Uther. Uther’s thing was now in front of his face and he held his breath so he wouldn't taste. He closed his eyes so he couldn't see and he shut his mind so he wouldn't have to think what he was really doing and then he sucked. He had learned that way Uther wouldn't pull his hair and also that way Uther would come faster and leave. 

"I wonder if you did have a good time with your 'friends'? I hope you didn't try anything with that girl... was her name Gwen? Or maybe it's her brother you are after…" Merlin couldn't continue when Uther mentioned his friends. His mouth was dry and he felt nausea, he tried to cover himself like his friends could hear and see everything when their names were mentioned.

This didn't make Uther happy and Merlin soon felt himself being lifted from the floor and pushed to his bed. His heart stopped and he heard a tube cap being opened with a snap. He would flinch to that sound for years to come.

Uther didn't take long to thrust into Merlin. He didn't use any fingers first and for a moment Merlin felt so much pain he only saw white. He slowly came back to reality when he got used to the pain a little, but it hurt so much…. "And so naughty here, are we now. Tell me, were you also hard for your friends brother, hmm?" Merlin didn't understand at first what he meant at all but then he finally realised, that Uther’s hand was caressing Merlin’s now fully erected staff. For a while he lost all reality. He could still feel the pain. He could hear and smell Uther. He could feel him inside of his ass. But he didn't care. He was hard. He had felt himself dirty and shameful but now something was different. 'I really am this sick… I really want this…' Uther had been right. There wasn't anything to protect in him. He wasn't worth of protecting.

He waited until Uther came, this time on his back. Merlin filched whimpered because of the pain when Uther suddenly pulled out and soon he felt something warm hit his neck and the smell was horrible. "Do not think that I will ever allow you to whore yourself around." Uther said into his ear with smug voice. Merlin just nodded, he didn't know what else to do. It seemed to work because Uther retreated to the door, opened the lock and disappeared for tonight.

If Merlin had a choice, he would have laid there for a long time, but suddenly he was very conscious about the fact that his door was open. Of course his mother would be back only after he had left for school and Arthur was fast asleep… or was he? Merlin had no idea what time it was… So he rose up as quickly as he could and made his way to bathroom and locked the door. He didn't give a damn if Uther would know. In the bathroom, he could barely stand. His legs were shaky and he felt faint. And on top of that, now that he was standing, he felt Uther’s cum run down his back. He felt his nausea again and he vomited in the sink. After that he was shivering and tears ran from his eyes silently.

'I can't take this anymore…' But that thought was worthless. He had nowhere to go. He touched his bottom and he felt it sore and wet. He bought his fingers up to look at them and he saw blood. Blood… somehow he felt a bit cleaner with that. He couldn't want something that made him bleed right? Blood… He wondered if losing a little more would make him a bit cleaner. He remembered his old carving knife he had gotten for his seventh birthday. It was in his desk drawer.

He put a towel around himself and moved as quickly as he could to get the knife and as quickly back behind the locked door. He took the cover off and looked at the small knife. It held good memories from his home. He had carved poorly with Will and he had given some of the stuff he had made to his mother. He had once cut his finger and he still had a small scar there. He pressed the blade on his thigh. No one would see it in there and he felt it was a bit closer to the problem than his wrists. He closed his eyes and slid the blade.  
It hurt. The sharp pain caught him by surprise and he dropped the knife. It fell to the tiled floor making clanging sounds. Merlin opened his eyes and saw blood running from an about ten centimetres wide clean wound. He felt weak and he had to lie down on the floor. For a moment he saw everything more sharply, more clearly. The light in his bathroom felt brighter and he heard his heartbeat loud and steady in his ears. He was in control for a while but then he saw himself as he was for a while.

It made him see it all from a different ankle. He was there, bleeding, too skinny and vomiting on regular basis. He felt thin and empty. He was not fit for this. And this wouldn't help him. He remembered how he had promised to his mother he wouldn't lock his door. 'What if something happened there and the door was locked…' Right now something had happened. And Merlin had been stupid enough to make it happen himself. 'Idiot…' He thought. He felt so stupid.

Fortunately his wound didn't bleed for long and he felt better and better laying there. Finally he was confident enough to sit. He crawled on all fours to shower, he didn't dare to stand up yet. He was painfully aware of how close it had been that he hadn't for example fainted. He thought of his mother finding him lying on the bathroom floor after she realised that Merlin wasn't where he was supposed to be. Like this, naked and bleeding, unable to get up. He shuddered. He had to get up.

Merlin washed his wounds carefully. His back was another story. He almost dislocated his shoulder trying to scrub the feeling of Uther’s load from his skin. In the end he had to stop when one too quick movement made his leg stretch and his cut open. He used a ton of toilet paper to press on his tight and to his bottom, which didn't seem to bleed that much anymore. He had to get some bandages tomorrow without anyone noticing. 'There must be some in the house, but where?' Could he ask Arthur without making him suspicious? He didn't know.

When Merlin was getting up he noticed, to his horror, that many surfaces of the bathroom were covered with little or not so little droplets of blood. He didn't have any energy left but he had to get it cleaned. Their cleaning lady would clean all the bathrooms tomorrow and she couldn't see this… So he washed everything he could with showering water on tiled parts and his toilet seat he had sat while he had cut himself. He felt a new kind of shame born inside of him.

Some parts of the walls and cupboard and sink he had to scrub by hand 'How does so little blood go everywhere?' He thought exhausted. When he couldn't see more stains he gave up. He didn't even see straight anymore and his leg was now aching badly. On every white surface he could see ghost of red droplets.

He limped to his room only dropping his last full toilet paper roll to his nightstands drawer 'For the next time I'll need it…' he thought darkly and went to his couch. He lowered himself slowly, careful not to hurt his leg more. He only had few hours to sleep before going to school. He wished the morning would never come before he fell asleep drained from all energy.

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But the morning came. And this time it came for Merlin in form of one pissed off Arthur. "Merlin!" His shout made Merlin open his eyes tiredly. "What…?" His confusion managed to piss Arthur off even more "What do you mean what? I'm leaving and I am leaving now were you with me or not! What is wrong with you?! I have tried to wake you up here like an idiot!" Merlin was now fully awake. He didn't want to see Arthur mad at him… It hurt. "Sorry! I'll- I'll be up now…" He mumbled and rose up.

Arthur frowned at him and Merlin was about to run to get his clothes but his leg stopped him. He felt a needle like pain and he got afraid that he had opened the wound again. "Don't sorry me but move!" Arthur didn't like it when Merlin again seemed to want them to be late by stopping in mid-step in the middle of the room. "Father had to leave early, Elyan promised to pick us up." He managed to explain with angry tone. Arthur knew full well that he couldn't leave without Merlin, his job was to get him to school and his father would be furious to both of them if he left Merlin behind. Luckily Merlin started to move again but not nearly fast enough for Arthur’s liking.

Finally Merlin came out from his closet with a green shirt on and some loosest trousers Arthur had seen him wear ever. In his hand he had a new jumper and he was trying to get a price tag off. This of course didn't help Arthur’s mood "Do that in the car, if we are late because you had time to decide on what to wear I'll kill you myself." Arthur snatched Merlin’s school bag and pulled Merlin out from the room. "Hey! I hadn't bagged it yet…" He tried to protest but Arthur just snapped "You should have thought about it yesterday or woken up earlier!" and kept dragging Merlin downstairs. This made Merlin’s leg hurt like hell and Merlin was scared of it opening so he tried to slow down which made Arthur just pull more. Finally they got into the car Elian had parked next to their entrance and Arthur was fuming.

"You are impossible in the mornings but this must be the record! If I didn't know any better I would have thought that you had died while sleeping…" He ranted and Merlin felt ashamed. He hadn't been thinking at all last night and he had forgotten to set his alarm. Of course this was better than Uther having to come and wake him up, but still Merlin almost wished he had actually died during the night. Just like Arthur had said.

He kept his gaze on his lap and he noticed a tiniest red bloom in his pants. He quickly took a hold of the fabric so it wouldn't touch his tight anymore. 'I should at least have chosen my wrist…' He had no idea how he was going to survive PE today. He tried to calculate if this was a cooper test day but he couldn't remember so he had to ask from silent but still angry Arthur. "Yes. Can't you count?" he snapped at him and Merlin felt his heart drop. 'How could I have been so stupid… I should have remembered.' He was now angry at himself so he joined Arthur’s silence and concentrated on keeping his leg still. Elyan also stayed silent. He had witnessed enough sibling fights to know when it was time to stay quiet. Even if this fight seemed somehow different that his and Gwen’s fights.

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Arthur was calming down. They would make it, barely, but still. He was glad that he had a habit of being early. It had saved them now. When he had woken up he had eaten breakfast like he normally did, told his father good day when he left to work and collected his stuff. Only then he had thought of checking on Merlin. It wasn't unusual for him to miss breakfast and wake up as late as possible but at this time he was usually raiding their fridge to find something to eat even on weekends. Arthur had no idea what Merlin did on normal days because he always left before Merlin woke up. So he had went to Merlin’s door and when no-one had replied to his knocking, he had let himself in. He had been surprised to find Merlin sleeping from his couch. 'Did he read until late and fell asleep on his couch?' He had tried to find an explanation, but he hadn’t seen any book nearby…

When he had reached Merlin, he had noticed that Merlin didn't have any shirt on. That was an unusual sight, Merlin seemed to be very self conscious about his body and he always had full pyjama and he changed his gym clothes in bathroom nowadays. Merlin had been mostly covered by his blanket but Arthur had been able to see Merlin’s shoulder and a part of his side and back. 'He really is thin…' He had thought worriedly. He had touched Merlin’s bare shoulder and shook it gently. Merlin’s skin had been warm and soft, if not a bit dry and Arthur had let his hand wander towards Merlin’s back. He had felt Merlin’s rib case even near his shoulders. He had tried to think Merlin was just naturally thin and he didn't have any muscle and that he would gain more weight eventually, but it still made him uneasy so he had moved his hand away and covered Merlin’s shoulder with the blanket.

"Merlin, wake up, we have to leave." He had said gently. He had hoped to see the same smile he had seen just yesterday, but Merlin didn't even stir. Arthur had allowed his hand wander to Merlin’s neck and to his hair. It was soft and the feel of Merlin’s scalp against his fingertips and his short hair in between his fingers had made Arthur lose his sense of time. He could have done this all day.

But the time was not on his side so he had tried to call Merlin softly one more time. Merlin hadn't shown any signs of waking up so Arthur had tried louder, several times glad that nobody else was home but when Merlin hadn't move he had started to feel irritated. Was Merlin pretending to be asleep to annoy him? He had glanced his watch and he had realised that they didn't have much time. he would have to call Elyan to drive to their front door and hope his father wouldn’t hear about it. He shouted at this point and finally Merlin had opened his eyes. Arthur had been ready to shake Merlin and he had stopped abruptly in midair his hands hovering over Merlin. This had made him feel stupid so he had ended up taking it out on Merlin.

Arthur sighed. He was too short tempered. It was Merlin’s fault for not waking up early enough to get to school but he shouldn't have yelled at him… He himself had used too much time just watching and touching Merlin. Sleeping Merlin. Awesome. 'I have to really stop doing that. Right, we live together, it's not like I can't just hug him or something and get over with this... weird need to touch him all the time.' He thought embarrassed.

Arthur glances at Merlin who was staring out of the window at the moment 'pretty…' He remembered thinking this word before. What did he think about Merlin? 'He is an idiot who almost made me late today.' He decided and got ready to exit the car while Elyan tried to find an open spot. Arthur wouldn't ruin the rest of his day thinking more to this than it was.

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Merlin’s day was mostly filled with worrying about his leg and trying to act normal. The first change he got, he went to bathroom to see his leg and found it looking messy. I had opened partially and some of the paper had stuck on it. He tried to peel most of the paper of and wash the wound gently. He wondered if he could go to ask some bandages from the school nurse but quickly dismissed that thought. He would have to survive with toilet paper.

Gwen was over the moon to see Merlin in his new shirt and she herself had her new dress. She looked pretty and Merlin cheered up a bit in her presence. He also had to smirk when he saw Lance’s face when he happened to walk past them in hallway. Gwen blushed a little and Merlin hoped he himself wasn't that easy to read. Still Lances purely admiring and a bit stupid face relaxed him a bit. He couldn't think Uther ever having that face. Still Merlin had trouble eating at lunch and when Gwen commented on it he just told her that he didn't like that particular food very much (even though he couldn't even remember what it really was). Gwen made him buy some chocolate because he looked pale. Merlin ate it and felt better for half an hour but when the day rolled on, he felt more and more tired and hungry beyond belief.

Finally it was time for PE and honestly, Merlin had no idea how he would run the cooper test. He changed his clothes in bathroom and tried not to flinch when the smell of previous classes sweat hit him in the gym like a wet rug. He felt ill. They first did some warm up and Merlin felt awful. He tried to concentrate on one dot on the wall but he slipped easily and his balance went with it. When he finally tripped on his own feet, he felt his wound stretch painfully. Merlin felt like crying, but boys weren’t supposed to cry for no reason in a middle of a gym.

When the warm up was completed, Merlin glazed a clock which was located atop of gyms entrance. It had only been fifteen minutes. Merlin’s shoulders dropped and it took extreme effort to move himself to a line and stay standing for today’s instructions. He didn't listen very well and when Lance blew his whistle, Merlin had no idea what to do. He decided to follow the rest and soon he realised the coopers test had begun. He didn't care about his results today, he just wanted to survive the class and go home and sleep.

He barely noticed Arthur’s concerned face when he passed him by a lapse, but it made him try harder for a while. Still twelve minutes was too long time to run with his current condition and his leg hurt like hell. He had ran only about five minutes when Lance pulled him aside. "Merlin, are you alright?" He asked clear concern in his eyes. "I tried to call you in your previous lapse, but you seemed like you didn't hear me. You don't look like you should be in school… Are you ill?" The questions rang in Merlin’s years and he tried to concentrate on one at the time. Could he use one of them as an excuse? Like he had been feeling sick? No… he'd have to go to the nurse then.

"It's nothing… just that I'm tired." He said but found it hard to look Lance in the eye. "Have you been sleeping well?" Lance didn't let him go. "Yes… just not tonight." Merlin tried to sound convincing and he knew he was failing miserably. "Any particular reason for that?" Lances question triggered something in Merlin’s brain and made him angry. Very angry.

"I don't think it's any of your business." He said with a quiet but dangerously low voice. There was a pause when Merlin looked Lance in the eye daring him to speak and Lance didn't know what to say or do. "Would you wait for me in my office until this is finished?" He finally said. Merlin took his chance and walked to Lance’s small office.

While angry, he had forgotten his leg for a second there, but now that he was walking, it came back to him. He sat down in the office and grimaced. There was no-one here and no windows so he could have this moment just for himself. He looked around the office and his eyes fell into a first aid cupboard. He listened for a second to be sure that everyone was still running and glanced at the door to see if someone could see him.

When he was sure he was safe, he rose up and opened the cupboard. It was full of everything he might need and he quickly took some bandages, plasters, roll bandages and few one use only disinfectant towels. There were even condoms and on moments impulse he also took one of those. He stuffed everything in his pockets and made sure they didn't make any sound when he sat down again.

Soon he heard Lance blow his whistle and start collecting individual distances. Merlin’s interest was captured only when he heard Arthur’s name, but he couldn't hear well so he missed the distance. Now he only had to wait for Lance to give some instructions for what they were going to do next. He heard him make Arthur lead some stretching and then some football exercises. 'Yeah, use Arthur again will you?' It didn't seem fair to him that Arthur was always the one who had to be responsible of everything. At home and at school. Could he never have a brake? Hadn't he done enough already?

Merlin’s thoughts were interrupted by Lance who came to the office looking serious. Some of Merlin’s anger disappeared when Lance closed the door. He didn't like being in a closed room and he felt claustrophobic. It eased up a bit when Lance moved to sit behind his desk and there was open pathway to the door.

"Merlin, I want to talk to you about your wellbeing. I have noticed that your performance in class has been dropping. You were fine before, but many times now you have been tired and your coopers test for example is worse by every time. So please tell me, is there something wrong?" Merlin was annoyed to Lance but more so to himself. He had let everyone see him getting weaker. Anyone could figure out what was going on if he kept doing like this.

"I just don't like sports." He wasn't even lying, he was actually a bit surprised that Lance had told him that he had been 'ok' before. "I don't mean just not liking, I mean you seem like you can't do it." The worry was thick in Lance’s voice but the words made Merlin feel angry again. He knew it wasn't logical, but hearing that he couldn't do something like sports rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't even care for the subject! He just wanted to be left alone!

"And I mean I don't want to hear this from a pervert who likes his students!" He wasn't his real self right now. He just wanted to be mean. Something he had never wanted to be in his life. And it worked. Lance froze and didn't say anything. Merlin had to continue so he wouldn't start apologising. "I don't want to be here. Leave me alone if you don't want me to tell Gwen everything and the principal too!"

There was a moment of silence again and then Lance rose to leave. "You can go to change now." He said while passing Merlin. He didn't sound mad, he sounded disappointed. It hurt Merlin. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't meant to make Lance disappointed… But he didn't know how to take it back so he could just watch Lance walk past him. He waited a long while before slipping to change hoping nobody would see him.

If for something he was glad that he could change in peace but he didn't know if he was allowed to leave or not so he just sat in the changing room for a long time. Finally he left because he didn't want to meet the others so he just wandered around the school and to its premises for a while. He found a nice spot to sit where no-one could really see him and when the bell rang he walked to the parking lot like he had never been out from class.

Uther picked Merlin up like normal and he didn't have to see Arthur. To his luck Uther didn't touch him much because he remembered too late all the stuff he had in his pockets. If Uther had noticed them rustle in his pockets and found them- especially the condom… 'Why did I take that? Stupid, stupid, stupid…' It's not like he would need it but if someone found it…

When they arrived at home he tried to walk as normally as he could while not making any sound. His mother was home and had just woken up. She greeted him from the table eating breakfast. Merlin waved at her not meeting her eyes and told her that he was a bit tired so he would take a nap. He felt horrible. He had gotten trouble acting normal for his friend and Arthur but his mother… He felt like he was betraying her. In a way he also felt he was betraying Arthur but it was different and painful in different way. His mother… He could openly tell he loved her and still he… he had to get to his room. He wanted to disappear into some corner and never come out.

When Merlin closed the door behind him, he felt like he was breathing for the first time today. He gulped down air and tears ran down his face. He slid down and leaned to his door. He pulled his knees to his chest not caring how that made his leg feel and just cried silently to his knees until he couldn't anymore. He was so tired… He slid to the floor and felt that it was alright to just fall asleep here… until he again heard his pocket rustle. Suddenly he was fully awake. He had to hide all this now!

He searched a hiding place with his eyes and thought of his nightstand. He didn't have anything in its drawer… He stood up and limped to his bed. Now he didn't have to care how it looked. He opened the drawer and he suddenly felt very cold. There was something. It was a tube and Merlin knew without further investigation what was inside of it. It was the lube Uther had used.

Merlin slammed the drawer shut and tried to collect himself. Uther had left it here… so he could use it more easily… and so if it was found, it would be Merlin’s. He shuddered. If it was found, he wouldn't have any excuses. What if Arthur would go through his stuff as a joke or if his mother would open that drawer… Merlin had to remind himself of breathing and he tried to calm down. 'Will Uther listen if I wanted to hide it better?' He wasn't sure…

'I have to think one problem at a time…' He thought willing his panic to go away. 'The mattress…' He lifted the mattress of his bed and put everything there. Side by side so they wouldn't make a bulge. The condom he would have to think another place. He looked under his bed and stuck the condom in between one of his bed’s boards and mattress.

After he had jumped up and down on his bed to be sure it didn't make any unusual sounds or nothing moved or dropped he took one of the bandages, disinfectant towels and one bandage roll and went to his bathroom to clean his leg. He locked his bathroom door again, but was ready to unlock it at any sound indicating someone opening the door leading to his room.

He took his pants off and started to peel all the toilet paper he had rolled around his tight carefully. Some of the paper was stuck into the wound but when he washed it with a damp cloth and the disinfectant towel, he got most of it out. The wound was red on the edges but didn't look as bad as Merlin had feared. When he had dressed the wound, he actually felt a bit better. He threw his pants to his laundry basket and opened the bathroom door. He listened for a second for any sounds and when he didn't hear any, he half limped half ran into his closet to get something to wear. He felt exposed in his boxers and felt better only when he was again behind a closed door. He took a pair of college pants he normally didn't like wearing, but now the looseness felt easier for his leg.

The maid had taken his blanket and pillow from his couch, like every day, so he took just his jumper to cover him. It was warm and he felt better than in the whole day. Before sleep took him, he remembered that Arthur had waken him up this morning and had sawn him sleeping on the couch. He thought that he should care, but right now he didn't have any energy for that.

He slept until his mother woke him up by gently caressing the side of his face. In his sleepy state of mind, for a moment he was a little boy again and he hugged his mother and breathed in her smell. Hunith looked a bit surprised but hugged Merlin back and smiled at him brightly. Merlin was a bit embarrassed but now he could push his pain into a hidden corner of his mind again. He could look at his mother and converse in the dining table like he normally would. He could again lie to everyone and be normal in his life outside his room.

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When Lance saw Merlin leave his office from the corner of his eye, he felt hurt. He hadn't thought Merlin would hate him like that. And he really was just doing his job at the moment… But something was off. Lance couldn't say what but he didn't really think it was because of him. He knew what a defiant person looked like and from Merlin he didn't get that feeling. He was worried. Merlin was thin but few weeks ago he had seen him run well and even the football… but today he looked like he was trying to survive the class alive rather than just run slowly because he didn't care.

He remembered Arthur asking him about anorexia, which was a bit odd, Arthur normally wasn't that interested more than getting the best score from tests but nothing more about any subject in particularly. 'Could he also have been worried about Merlin…?' He would have to try to ask about Merlin from Arthur without telling about his worries. He would just make things worse if he wasn't right.

Arthur wasn't happy. He had been angry in the morning but now he was mainly concerned about Merlin. He had seen Lance pull him to the side and he was clad he had. Merlin had looked awful. From morning till afternoon. He was slower than usual and he looked exhausted. Had he not slept enough? Speaking of which, why had Merlin slept on his couch? Seriously. His bed was top notch like Arthur’s and he had taken all the trouble of taking his pillow and blanket with him… Ok, that was weird but nothing serious. He was more worried about Merlin’s pale face and gloomy state. His mood seemed to wary from day to day so radically Arthur found it hard to follow.

And then there was this strange pull he felt towards Merlin all the time… Like he was super aware of where and what and how Merlin was doing all the time. The only thing that he couldn't get was why and that irritated Arthur to no end. He felt most at ease when he spend time with Merlin and he saw him smile… Seeing him like this made him feel much like the opposite.

Lance blew his whistle and he slowly walked to the line to tell his rounds. Lance asked him to get the class to do some of his exercises so he arranged the ones that played in his team to teach some good practicing moves to others and supervised that until Lance came back. Merlin wasn't with him and that didn't make Arthur happy. He hoped that Merlin would wait for him in the locker room but when the class ended, Merlin was already gone. He frowned but could do nothing else than to get ready for his football practices. He would see Merlin at home.

In the evening Merlin was glued to his mother’s side and seemed much better than in school. He ate well and talked with his mother and even with Arthur like nothing had happened. Arthur soon realised that his father didn't know Merlin had left the class early so he didn't mention it either. When Arthur left to do his homework, Merlin still stayed downstairs which was unusual.

Only when Arthur had already showered and changed for the night did Merlin come knocking his door. He seemed happy. He smiled at him sheepishly and apologised for almost making them late at morning. Arthur had totally forgotten that, but he still managed to sound annoyed while telling Merlin to remember his alarm clock or he would wake him next time with a hit on his head.

After Merlin was gone Arthur felt his room a little bit empty. He tried to shake that feeling off, but didn't do very good job on that. 'I wanted him to stay…' The thought was absurd, Merlin was just behind the wall and he was about to sleep… Still… It would be great to just talk with him all night and not having to let him go to his own room. When he thought about this he realised that the time spend with Merlin had been the best part of his weekend. And maybe especially that time they were waiting for Gwen and Elyan just eating ice-cream. When they had been alone.

'This is stupid. Stop it now.' He told himself and went to bed. He was physically tired but he still laid awake for a long time before falling asleep. The only dream he could remember when he woke up in the morning was about Merlin smiling at him laying next to him. He woke up when he tried to reach to touch Merlin’s hair and his alarm went off. He just stared his out stretched hand until his alarm went to snooze automatically. What was happening to him?


	10. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Million thanks for CONNI4 who betaed this chapter!

It took three weeks for Merlin’s leg to heal fully. During the first week Merlin learned how much his leg could hurt before he would have to be worried of the wound opening again. He changed the bandage two times, but he only had that many bandages. He briefly thought of stealing more the next Monday, but he was sure that someone would notice if he took too much and he was too scared of the possibility of getting caught. Besides, when the Monday finally came, his leg had healed enough that it wouldn't bleed anymore if he didn't stretch it purposefully really far, so he didn't really need the bandage that much that he would have taken the risk. At least not right now.

Surprisingly,Uther had left him alone. On Wednesday he had taken hold of Merlin’s thigh, making Merlin yelp in pain. To his surprise Uther had actually let go and asked for an explanation. Merlin had made up a story of falling and hitting his leg (was that was even possible he wasn't sure…). Uther had been displeased, but hadn't touched Merlin’s thigh many days after that.

It was the last week of Hunith’s internship and she would be back to the regular school schedule. She was happy to be more home and Merlin was too. At first it almost seemed Uther would really let him be now that his mother was home, but it only took five days for Uther to come to Merlin’s room just before midnight. He made Merlin sit on the floor and suck him off while he sat on the edge of Merlin’s bed. Merlin’s leg stretched and he was so tense that the wound cracked open partially. When he felt the rip, his jaw tightened and his teeth scratched Uther. Uther made a displeased sound and he had already pulled Merlin up roughly pushing him to the bed, when he saw the red staining Merlin’s thin pyjama pants.

There was a short silence and Uthers expression was weird. Merlin watched him very intently and he saw Uther’s face change to a disgusted one again. He didn't ask what was wrong with Merlin’s leg or why and Merlin was sure that he didn't care either way, but he once more pulled Merlin from his hair to the floor and even if Merlin’s scalp was burning even after he had stopped vomiting, he felt relieved that Uther hadn't entered him. Now he was actually glad that he had cut himself.

Gwen and Lance seemed to get closer. Merlin had noticed how Gwen was in high spirits very often and when he saw Gwen chatting with Lance after lunch the first time, he knew why.This just made his mood worse. First of all, he was still cautious about Lance even if he was quite sure he had over reacted and he still felt shame for saying such horrible things to him. Second, he felt a bit jealous that Lance could make Gwen so happy with few sentences. He wanted to make Gwen happy and smile too. Of course things were entirely different with his and Lances standings in Gwen’s life, but Merlin only had Gwen and he feared that Lance could replace the little time Merlin could spend with Gwen. Feeling jealous of course made him feel like a lousy friend.

When Gwen had chatted to him almost the whole lunch period one day about what Lance had said to her, she said something that made Merlin regret every negative feeling he had had on that subject.  
"Thank you so much Merlin, for listening to my rambling. You are really the only one I can talk about these kind of things…"  
That had made Merlin’s day and he had even squeezed Gwen’s hand briefly on the table as he smiled brightly at her. Yeah, he was Gwen’s friend and even if she got herself a boyfriend, it was not like she would forget Merlin existed. He had been stupid and selfish again.

On the way home when Uther’s hand was in his pants once again, Merlin wondered if he was even worth Gwen’s time.  
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Gwen was slightly worried. Merlin had been acting weird. Weirder than normal. He had seemed like he was hurting or sick or something, but he had refused to admit anything like that to Gwen. Even Lance had asked Gwen if Merlin was alright and Gwen didn't like that. Lance had seemed a bit uncomfortable and when Gwen had asked if Lance had some reason he asked about this (Gwen’s loyalty was still strictly on Merlin’s side and she wouldn't want to tell about her worries before she knew what was going on and what Merlin wanted to do), Lance had looked even more uncomfortable and he had asked if Merlin had said anything about him. Gwen had been very surprised to hear that and she needed a moment to think before replying that she had only heard Merlin say positive things about Lance. She blushed a bit confessing this and Lance had looked at her surprise written all over his face. This had made Gwen wonder if Merlin had actually something against Lance he hadn't shared with her.

Lance had needed to go and Gwen sat down with Merlin. She had looked at Merlin very carefully while talking about Lance. She started to see it now. Merlin was in a bad mood and mentioning Lance seemed to put him into a worse mood by the second. Gwen faltered a bit with her words and then it hit her. She had been talking about Lance and making Merlin wait for her at the table days now.. She was so happy that she could share these kind of things so naturally with Merlin that she had completely forgotten to tell Merlin who seemed grumpy, but not as though he was angry at Gwen or that he was bored, more like he was jealous.

She made extra sure that her words couldn't be mistaken as anything else than appreciation and the change in Merlin had been immediate. He had even squeezed Gwen’s hand. It was something that made Gwen happy because Merlin rarely did things like that; not to her or anyone else. Not even Arthur and Gwen could see how close they were.

While walking to the school’s library to do her homework where she usually waited for Elyans practice to be over so she could get a ride home, Gwen smiled to herself. She was so fortunate to have found a friend like Merlin. She didn't get along very well with these rich girls. They were too busy talking about what kind of things their daddies had bought them this time and fashion and the tone most of the girls spoke about boys just wasn't very fun for Gwen. Merlin was different. While she had gotten a crush on him at one point, it had been replaced by something stronger and more definite.;friendship, a true friendship.

Even if at some point Gwen had also wondered if Merlin could have a crush on her making it all awkward, Merlin had proven that was not the case. Gwen laughed a little. not caring if someone thought she was weird. Merlin really was something. She could see his happy expression after she had thanked him today. No boy with crush would act like that and Gwen felt that their friendship was somehow unique for there was not many boy and girl pairs that could keep stuff like love and lust out of their relationship. The fact the she had gotten a crush on Merlin didn't count. She had barely known Merlin then. 

Gwen sighed when she reached the library. She didn't have much work to do and still she was stuck here for as long as it took for Elyan to finnish. She wished that Merlin could stay with her sometimes and that Gwen could see him smile more. He didn't do that nearly often enough.  
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Arthur was lost. He couldn't stop himself from fondly recalling every little thing Merlin did or said. And when he smiled… something was just right in Arthur’s universe. After listening to boys in his class and his team mates go on and on about girls and crushes and what not for God knows how many years, Arthur wasn't clueless. He knew that this kind of obsession was closer to what normal people had towards girls their age, not for one’s step brothers!

For a while Arthur had tried to pay a little bit more attention to what people were talking about , but seriously. while someone talked about how some porn star had 'huge melons' or how they had seen a 'fine piece of ass' Arthur couldn't care less. He never had, but now he felt he was different from the rest much more strongly than he ever had before. He had always been busy and he had just thought that he didn't have time for idling around like that, but now he was busier than ever, but he still seemed to have all the time in the world to try and make Merlin smile at him or even just to sit closer than an arm’s length from him.

The last one was much harder than it sounded. Arthur had given up on trying to just hug Merlin and see if he would get over his obsession. He wasn't sure what Merlin would do if he even tried to actually… these feelings didn't seem so bad. He enjoyed Merlin’s company and alright, when he wasn't around, Arthur did feel a bit empty, but he could still concentrate and actually he found some new energy on the things he did. Especially if he knew Merlin would find out about them or if he was present. For example when he got full marks on a pop quiz in biology, just seeing Merlin notice it made all the trouble for reading his homework with thought all worth the trouble.

It was just… sometimes Arthur felt these sudden impulses to touch Merlin when he was near. Like if he was sitting next to him in class, he wanted to reach for his shoulder or if his hand was on the table he wanted to take a hold of it. And his hair… That was like the most bizarre feeling Arthur had ever had in his life. Arthur wanted to touch it. And not just to ruffle, he wanted to feel how Merlin’s hair really felt like if he touched it slowly stroking and letting Merlin’s short hair slip through his fingers… He found all of this absurd and he was glad that it didn't happen too often. He had no idea how others could even function if being interested in girls and dating was anything like this. And directed to half of the world's population!

Arthur had seen Merlin hold Gwen's hand briefly one day when he had taken his tray away and he had felt something close to jealousy. How could Gwen get Merlin to do that? Of course Gwen and Merlin were good friends and Gwen was a girl. Even if Merlin didn't like her that way, it was still much more normal looking to hold her hand than Arthur’s. He imagined himself actually taking Merlin’s hand at school and that certainly would have looked weird. At home it would have been a bit different, but then again Merlin was twice as cautious and tense there and he still rarely left his room. Arthur wasn't looking forward to summer. 'I really am weird…' He thought while trying not to feel inferior to Gwen in how close she was to Merlin.  
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Uther took Merlin less and less when the school neared its end. When he came to Merlin's room, it was always very late and he seemed happy that Merlin was always still awake and studying. He mostly made Merlin take head or some nights he would just make Merlin touch him and tell him how his studying was. Merlin knew that he should be relieved, but having an almost normal conversation while he had to move his hand up and down Uther's thing left him shaking and anxious. He was so afraid of slipping from the reality and that wasn’t what he needed. His memories were a mess and Uther’s words rang in his ears making him fear that he was really delusional. He feared that he was so desperate for perverted things that he actually had imagined some of the things had happened. He feared school. What if he slipped up in there? He really wanted summer to come so he could just hide from the world. Even if it meant not being able to leave the house.

When the school ended, both Merlin and Arthur had great report cards to show to their parents and Arthur was over the moon. He would get his car and he would start his driving lessons next week. Merlin was happy for him. For once he didn't have to listen Uther telling Arthur that he would need to do better and the car meant that Arthur would be able to leave the house by himself and go anywhere he wanted. Merlin was jealous of that and he wished he had the guts to ask if Arthur would take him out with him.

Merlin had worked hard to get full marks on every subject so Uther wouldn't be angry at him and partly because he wanted to make the best notes ever for Arthur so he would get his car. And while Merlin had been up late in fear of Uther coming to his room and at some nights he hadn't get nearly enough sleep, he managed and the fact that he had thrown up just twice in the last three weeks had done wonders for his appetite and his weight. The weather was warmer now and Merlin had given up on using two shirts underneath his long sleeved one. It felt weird and exposing at first, but soon liberating. He couldn't even see his ribs so clearly anymore and it felt like a small victory in itself.

Huniths school had ended for the year and she was full of energy. The first week of vacation she had tried to get them all together for some family time and they had even managed to go to the city to see some attractions and eat in a cafe like a normal family. Merlin would have had good time if Uther hadn't been there. He was just too tense in his presence. Arthur had chatted happily with him and that helped Merlin act a little bit normal. even if that was mostly listening to Arthur talk.

Uther’s work had taken him away from the family soon and eventually Hunith had given up on the 'family time' thing. That suited Merlin just fine. With annual tour of all the businesses Uther had, he was rarely home. However Merlin’s good mood couldn't last very long. He didn't know what to do with himself now that Uther wasn't there to force the direction of his thoughts and he found himself wanting Arthur more than ever. He fought it and he kept in mind his resolution of loving Arthur without getting physical, but it was hard. Arthur seemed to be everywhere and if Merlin let himself relax for even a moment, Arthur was there, sitting next to him or just generally being too close. Merlin was worried. Had Uther been doing him a favour after all? Was him touching Merlin and making him touch Uther the only way Merlin could be satisfied and not yearn for Arthur all the time? The thought hurt.

Merlin couldn't see anything in his future and he was as depressed as ever even if Uther was not home. Being constantly anxious and afraid made him moody and he fought with his mother on weekly basis. Arthur he couldn't even look on some of the days. It was a mess and Merlin really had nothing to do. Then.Arthur's written test for the license started to come nearer.

"Merlin, could you ask me some questions from this?" Arthur said one day Merlin had been loitering around their garden not really having enough energy to do anything. He looked at the pile of papers in Arthur's hand. It wasn't especially thick and it had been bound together with a staple. It was clearly read at least once and not held in a folder judging by the state the front leaf. Merlin couldn't be bothered. Really, he had no interest in driving whatsoever and even forming a sentence to Arthur needed extra energy. Everything was so arduous nowadays… 

"Why don't you just read it yourself? It can't be that hard…" He said not paying any attention to the fact that he himself found it too hard a task to actually do.

Arthur sat next to where he was currently lying and Merlin felt his skin tingle and suddenly he had all the energy in the world to use. He tensed and he had to tell himself not to move and especially not look like he cared how close Arthur was. "I have read it. I just want to know what I already know and you can make good questions…sometimes." Arthur told him making Merlin feel proud of himself. Too proud, he told himself. It wasn't like he had done much, it wasn't that special to be able to ask some questions… Merlin sighed. Who he was kidding. He was a sucker for Arthur when he said anything positive about him.

"Alright… Give me that." He took the stack of papers from Arthur's hand feeling his fingers tingle even if Arthur's fingers didn't actually touch them. This was getting old… Merlin felt tiredness like never before. How long would he be this excited by Arthur just sitting next to him? How many times had Arthur already sat next to him and Merlin still wasn't used to it? And still his stupid heart sped up under Arthur's calm, waiting eyes. Merlin sighed again. He opened the pile from random page and corrected his position and while doing that, he edged a bit farther away from Arthur.

After reading few pages he started to ask some standard questions from Arthur who faltered at some, some he got right and some he didn't. There was clearly still much work to do, but when Arthur outstretched his hand to take the stack back, Merlin didn't hand it to him. "This text is ridiculously boring… Let me read it once, I'll make you some notes." Arthur beamed at Merlin and Merlin actually felt some real emotions break through his dullness. This was actually something he could do, like when the school was in session and the routine made Merlin feel alive again. 

The next few weeks he read the text, making notes bit by bit and searching for answers he didn't get from every source he could and assaulting Arthur with questions at every turn. He had even drawn A4 sized traffic signs and sometimes he would just randomly take one of them out and ask Arthur what he was supposed to do when seeing one.

With this method Arthur was learning fast. Having Merlin full of energy popping in asking him what he was supposed to do or what this or that meant made Arthur amused and somehow calmer. In few weeks he knew everything there was to learn. After reading the last of Merlin’s notes he was sure he would pass, but seeing Merlin so much more animated than at the start of vacation, Arthur had no heart to tell him that this was enough. In reality he didn't mind at all. His driving teacher, a middle-aged man with no apparent humour, who everyone he had talked to seemed to find too strict, had complimented him for his knowledge . Arthur had found that he was actually a likeable character when he relaxed. Which he did when he felt safe enough being in the passenger seat with a student at the wheel. Arthur found that he saw the point of being strict and he listened his teacher’s advice with an interest level he had not had before. After a while they could talk about their experiences and just traffic overall. Arthur often told those stories to Merlin afterward and Merlin seemed interested. Arthur thought that it was mainly because Merlin had nothing to do. He wasn't that interested in driving himself after all.

Arthur had organised summer practices to be on Mondays and Thursdays for his team. Some days he would ask Merlin to come with him and sometimes Merlin joined him. He was getting to know Arthur’s team mates more and more and he could now name most of them. He still wasn't that interested in football even if he had to admit that it was fun to play a bit if the game wasn’t serious. Lance didn't mind. He encouraged Merlin whenever he chose to play even if Merlin didn't talk to him much.Many times he wondered if he should talk to Lance and apologise, but there was never a right time. Gradually, Merlin decided that it was too late and that Lance had probably already forgotten his harsh words..  
Sometimes Gwen would join them and that always made Merlin’s day. He loved Gwen’s company and he actually could find himself enjoying her and Lance exchanging glances and Gwen trying to find excuses why she had come this time.

"Really Gwen, I'm not making up any stories why I'm here, sitting next to a field where a bunch of idiots are kicking a ball, so you don't have to make one for me either. Save those for your brother." He said once when Gwen was again babbling something about her having to take care that Elyan would remember that they were going to visit their grandparents after the practices. Gwen had blushed and admitted that Merlin was right. She was being stupid.  
Merlin had grinned at that and joked how of course he was right, but at the same time he had felt that he wasn't really one to talk. He had half waited for Gwen to ask why he was there and he was half prepared to actually tell her how lonely he had been, but as the question never came, Merlin didn't bring up the subject. He kind of felt that he had no right to complain if Gwen didn't ask first.  
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Half of the summer holidays were already behind and Arthur’s birthday party was nearing. His birthday was actually in late spring, but with the end of the year and after that Uther’s work, Uther had decided that they would celebrate almost two months late. He had rented a space for the party and he had invited everyone from his business circle and all Arthur’s teammates that had some social standing. Like Oliver whose family was mostly lawyers and doctors and Lee whose mother was a politician. Vivian and his father were also coming, but Arthur had reminded Merlin that he shouldn't talk to her when her father was present.

Merlin didn't like this kind of things very much. He found it bizarre how Arthur had no say in how he would like to spend his birthday and how many of the guests were some old farts from Uther’s company or some 'important' associations. Merlin couldn't care less. In a way he had a feeling that he would have been blown away if he had seen this all when he still lived with just his mother. Now that he had been living in the city for so long, maybe he had been used to all this so nothing was special. Maybe he was just picky.

But Merlin didn't have to dwell on the thought of being picky for long. The date of the party, Merlin had dressed himself in the suit he had used last year for his mother’s wedding. A tailor had done something to his trousers and sleeves to make them longer, ashe had grown some from the last year. Hunith came to his room and straightened Merlin’s tie. Merlin put on his tie pin and Hunith smiled at that. "Would you want this kind of party when you turn sixteen?" She asked while her fingers moved Merlin’s tie to a straighter position.

At first Merlin didn't know what to say. Would his mother be disappointed if he told that he didn't want this kind of party or that he felt this all was just a big circus show to let Uther’s business partners see how much Arthur had accomplished? He hesitated but when Hunith rose her gaze, Merlin had to smile a little.

"No way I would want to play a decoration in my birthday party."  
Hunith laughed softly at Merlin’s comment and Merlin felt a real happy smile form. He and his mother could still understand each other, even if they lived in this money filled world now. They still had those memories from a small village and a house with no real heating and the constant saving and simple life.

After that he and his mother had talked lightly about how tacky and exaggerated the whole party was. Hunith promised that Merlin would get a quiet birthday and even while the guests were coming in, she and Merlin spend most of the time together listening to Uther brag about his son to everyone and smiling with amusement. How simple these people were in a very different way than the country people in their village.

At first Merlin had generally good time at Arthur’s party. Not only had he managed to relax in his mother’s company the same way he had a long time ago, but he had felt like he was a bit above this kind of fuss. He couldn't talk with Arthur much because he was busy of talking with every single one of Uther’s associates. Uther made Arthur the center of the attention so there were many chances for Merlin to just look at Arthur. He normally didn't dare to do that much because he was so afraid of Arthur, or Uther or anybody for that matter noticing how he looked at him. But staring at the center of attention wasn't that uncommon, right?Merlin found a small smile playing on his lips after he had tuned out a boring speech and stared at Arthur’s chest. He turned to look at anything other than Arthur. He couldn’t let himself relax too much.

After they had eaten the main course, Arthur had to leave the table and Merlin let his mind wander. This really was like a play, made for Uther’s goals of how Arthur’s life should go. Oliver came to talk to Merlin briefly at one point and Merlin appreciated the gesture. Oliver was also dressed in a suit but he looked much more comfortable and natural than Merlin. Somehow even dressing in a suit didn't make Oliver look serious or stiff, like it made Merlin feel. Merlin had to wonder how different Lee looked in this formal setting. He normally looked like a half boiled spaghetti for he was thin and with the exception when he played, he had a lazy posture. Now, however his posture was flawless and he looked taller and his shoulders broader. His suit fit him perfectly. His unusually bright coloured turquoise dress shirt went beautifully with his black hair and Merlin suspected that his mother knew a thing or two about making good and lasting impressions with clothing. Merlin wished he could look like he fit in here too.

After a while Merlin sighed and turned back to face the table he had been sitting at. He was about to make his way back to sit when he found himself looking straight into Uther’s eyes. Merlin’s blood froze and he went pale. Uther didn't say or do anything, but his gaze was cold and Merlin knew those eyes too well. He wanted to tell Uther that he hadn't been looking at Lee like that;that he had only admired how natural he looked. He had mostly been wondering if a coloured shirt would suit him better than the white he was currently wearing. But he couldn't. Uther soon turned his gaze and started to talk with someone and left the table. Still Merlin couldn't make himself to move towards the table before his mother and Arthur sat before him when the coffee and dessert were served.

The rest of the party Merlin tried to act natural and he made a point of not looking longer than a few seconds at any at male under 60 years old. He had even tried to focus on the women at the party, but he had stopped that when he had apparently been looking too long at Vivian’s dress. He’d spotted Vivian’s father eyeing his direction suspicion written all over his face. Did he really look that threatening? He had no idea and he wasn't sure if looking at women would help his case when Uther already knew that he didn't like women.The only thing he could pray was that Uther hadn't noticed him staring at Arthur. Merlin couldn't even think what would happen if Uther ever found out how Merlin felt about his precious son.

After the dessert Uther made a sure that everyone saw how he gave Arthur a key to his new car that would arrive at their front door. Everyone got that Arthur needed the car because he was the captain of the football team that had won the second place in this year’s match. Merlin glanced at Arthur then. It felt more suspicious not to look at his direction when everyone else was. Arthur was happy for the car, but Merlin could see he was a bit uneasy with the compliments on how well he had done in the licence test. Arthur glanced at Merlin and Merlin smiled at him a bit. Arthur seemed to relax then. He returned to the smile widely before thanking his father with the smile still on his face.

Merlin had to look away again.He felt a tiny blush on his cheeks. Maybe Arthur had been wondering if Merlin also should get some of the credit? He had worked a lot for Arthur’s drivers test after all. The thought made Merlin feel a bit better for a while, but when the party neared its end, Merlin started to feel afraid again. Would Uther come today? Or tomorrow if he didn't want to on the night of Arthur’s birthday? Either way it was the same for Merlin.

On their way home in a taxi, Merlin squeezed in between his mother and Arthur. His mind kept flashing him pictures of what he might have to face in just few hours after his mother was asleep. He knew his body wasn't used to being penetrated and that it would hurt like hell. His stomach was turning and the four course meal they had eaten, didn't help. If Uther would make Merlin suck him tonight, there would be a lot to vomit. Merlin didn't even notice how Arthur’s side was squeezed against his until Arthur climbed out of the taxi and the contact was lost. Merlin felt sudden coldness and he shivered in the night air. Still, he didn't want to go inside the house.

Uther and Hunith soon retired to their room for the night. Merlin and Arthur made their way upstairs. When Arthur heard the door of his father’s bedroom close, he finally had a chance to talk with Merlin freely. He turned to look at Merlin who looked tired and Arthur smiled at him brightly.  
"Well, that was something, wasn't it? I can't wait to see you try surviving that." He said with a grin. He was in a great mood after he had been able to just enjoy his ride home, he had mainly ignored everything and concentrated on taking in how it felt to be squeezed to Merlin’s side.

Merlin had to raise his gaze to meet Arthur’s and he smiled a bit. "Don't count on that. Mother already promised me that I don't have to do that." Arthur’s grin faltered a little, but then he smiled a real smile. "Good. I don't want to spend my Christmas teaching you how to socialise with all your guests. Seriously, you were so gloomy the whole night I thought that you didn't have fun at my birthday party."

Merlin didn't know what to say. He tried to find a way to deny that he hadn't enjoyed the party, but then he saw Arthur’s grin and he understood, Arthur would have preferred some other kind of party too. "In my old home we would just invite all the friends over, eat some cake and do something fun." He said. Arthur made a comment of it sounding like little kids party, but Merlin just wondered if Arthur had ever had kids party even when he had been a kid and was not offended at all.

Merlin wished the time would stop right now so he could just stand here in the corridor with Arthur forever and never face Uther. Of course that wouldn't happen. He was tired and he wanted to sleep, but he knew that wasn't an option. He couldn't just sleep when Uther might come in the middle of the night.  
"Hey, would you like to go to a drive with me tomorrow when I get my car?" Arthur asked cheerfully and Merlin had to smile.  
"If you promise me that you really can drive. I would hate to die because you forgot to check the blind spot." Arthur had failed to list checking the blind spot at least hundred times when Merlin had questioned him and it had been mostly a joke in the end.

Arthur made a face at Merlin who just smiled a bit wider. Why couldn't he just be with Arthur like this? Why did he have to be so afraid that Uther would hear him talking with Arthur for too long or too be happy or what ever? It wasn't that he had any ulterior motives right now. Merlin’s smile faltered. He couldn't pretend right now, he was too tired and too worried for that. Arthur sighed at Merlin dramatically not noticing Merlin mood and smiled again.  
"I'll take that as a 'yes'." he said and then his smile widened and Merlin saw his eyes sparkle. "I can't wait tomorrow! I want to see which kind of car it is." Arthur only new the brand, not the model. So Arthur hadn't noticed Merlin’s mood and his happiness made Merlin happy and for a moment he felt that he couldn't wait for tomorrow either. Only when he heard some sound coming from downstairs he snapped back to his reality.  
"I'm going to sleep now. Happy birthday, Arthur." He said suddenly feeling the corridor was too open.

Arthur yawned and nodded. "Thanks, You’d better wake up tomorrow when the car comes. I don't want to wait for your lazy ass the whole day." He said lightly. Merlin rolled his eyes at him at the same time and he turned to go to his room. He heard Arthur open and close his door. Merlin was alone again. He hated this feeling. All sense of security was gone and now he couldn't look forward to tomorrow anymore. He just the fear of what would happen before.  
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The wait wasn't long. Merlin had just taken his tie off and placed the tie pin to its holder when Uther opened his door. Merlin turned around with fright, he hadn't expected Uther to come this early. When Uther locked his door, Merlin already knew what was going to happen, but he still couldn't comprehend it. It felt too weird on the night of Arthur’s birthday.

Uther stepped closer to Merlin and when he was close enough, he took a hold of Merlin’s shoulder and turned him around making his back press against Uther’s chest, His hands made their way to Merlin’s belt. Merlin was petrified. He could smell alcohol in Uther’s breath and Merlin felt nausea rearing its ugly head. Uther opened Merlin’s pants and slid them down just enough to put his hand in Merlin’s boxers.  
"I'm happy that you helped my son with his studies.This will be your reward." Uther whispered into Merlin’s ear making him shudder. Reward' didn't sound anything that Merlin associated this with. He was also confused, he had been so sure that Uther was here because he had seen Merlin stare Arthur’s friend. What was this sudden 'I'm happy with you' crap?

Uther pushed Merlin towards his bed. Merlin didn't want to go there, he wasn't prepared at all and he was so, so afraid of the pain. He held his ground and refused to lie on his bed. He took a hold on the edge of the bed when Uther pushed at him and kept his hands straight. He had more strength nowadays because he had been eating better and gotten some exercise. For a small moment he felt a little bit of victory that Uther couldn't just push him around as he pleased anymore, but Uther didn't seem to mind. He caressed Merlin’s behind while Merlin was leaning on his bed and Merlin could just stare at the bed not really seeing it. He had prevented Uther from pushing him to it, but now their position was lewd. He started to shake again and his strength was gone.

Uther lowered Merlin’s boxers some more and Merlin saw him take the lube from his drawer. He felt like crying. He bit his lip until he tasted blood. Uther caressed his entrance with cold fingers. The suit he had on felt too tight. It wasn't meant to bend in this kind of position and Merlin hated it. He wasn't naked and that should have made him feel better but the suit that Uther had bought for him felt repulsive.  
"I saw you enjoyed looking at Arthur’s friends hmm? You wished to have them on top of you, fucking you?" Uther panted in Merlin’s ear. He thrust two fingers into Merlin at the word 'fucking'.

Merlin whimpered and bit his lip again lowering his head. He found small comfort on the fact that he hadn't thought anything like that about Arthur’s friends. That meant Uther couldn't see inside his head after all. But of course he couldn't feel himself innocent when he had used every opportunity to watch Arthur exactly like that. Uther moved his fingers too quickly and Merlin could keep himself from trying to escape just by distracting himself with the pain in his bleeding lip. The taste of blood felt fresh after Uther’s breath and Merlin wished he could again bleed more so he didn't have to take this.

Uther banged him hard and caressed Merlin while doing it, but there was not much reaction. After Uther came in Merlin with a grunt, he actually had some napkins to press on Merlin’s entrance. 'So the suit wouldn’t get dirty.’' Merlin realised. After Uther had gone, Merlin was left with his now sweaty and wrinkled suit. He tore every part of it off as quickly as he could. When his dress shirt, jacket and trousers along with his boxers and socks were on the floor, Merlin sank. His breath was ragged and he hated everything. He wanted to do some damage. To anything. He wished he could throw this suit out of the window, but of course he couldn't. The only thing he knew he could damage was himself, but the amount of pain he felt already made him unable to even think of the possibility long enough to actually do something.  
'It will start again…' He thought and he hugged his knees while leaning to his bed. He wasn't prepared and he didn't want to be. He felt few tears roll down his eyes and he hated them. When he felt a tear drop to his knee, he scratched it angrily until it hurt. He did the same for every new tear he felt running down his neck or drop into his hands or legs. Just the face he left alone and just angrily brushed the tears off. He had that much sense left that he realised that his mother would ask questions if he showed up to breakfast tomorrow morning with scratch marks on his cheeks.

After he had scratched many long red marks on his skin, Merlin felt slightly better, but not by much. He hated the time ahead of him and not even the thought of how he could spend time with Arthur tomorrow could make him feel like tomorrow coming was a good thing. If only time could stop for him. Eventually he got cold naked on the floor and forced himself up to shower.

When he stood up from where he had been sitting , he felt exposed and ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He needed something solid in between the rest of this household and himself. His mother could get angry at him for all he cared. The hot shower water burned his cold skin and made his scratches sting, but Merlin just scratched the areas some more. He felt his pain was better than his fear and the first seemed to distract him from the second.

Merlin stayed awake for a long time. The time would go slower that way. He just laid on his couch and concentrated on the sting on his skin. Eventually he must have fallen asleep because he woke up when the sun hit his face early in the morning. He normally didn't wake up to light, but he hadn't been sleeping very soundly. He remembered what Arthur had said last night and he didn't want to be found on his couch by Arthur again, so he made himself get up.

After finding a shirt that hid most of his scratches and putting on a neckerchief to hide the rest, Merlin sat on the couch and tried to think of something, anything he could do now that he couldn't help Arthur study for any tests. Could he ask Arthur to take him to a library? There he could find something to read, but that didn't sound too exciting and really Merlin couldn't remember what he used to do for fun. The only things that popped into his head were impossible here. Going for stroll into a forest or going to swim in a nearby lake with Will. Will… he hadn't called him for a while now… Merlin decided to do that later. Maybe he could also call Gwen now and then. But in two hours of waiting, that was all he got.


	11. The mall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by CONNI4, Thank you Dear!

Arthur woke up just before his alarm went off. He was excited so he rose up immediately. Right now he loved his life. He changed and practically danced out of his room and only collected his posture when he saw his father’s slightly disapproving face. Still, when Arthur seemed to calm down, Uther smiled at him. That didn't happen very often, but Arthur wasn't too surprised. He had heard his father brag about him left and right last night and he recalled very vividly how Merlin had told him that his father was actually proud of him. Now, that he had really heard it from his father, Arthur’s felt his hard work had been all worth it.

 

"Come sit with me son, we will have some breakfast and after that, your car should arrive." Arthur smiled brightly and joined his father for breakfast. They ate and commented on the people at the party. Arthur didn't even mind when his father said some comments about Oliver that could have been mistaken as not so flattering. He could see past them. His father had allowed Arthur to invite him and his comments on how well-mannered some of his other friends had been made it all up for Arthur.

 

"Father, I was wondering that maybe I could go and try out my new car today?" He asked naturally when his father mentioned the car again. Uther didn't even hesitate before answering "Of course, it's good to get used to it right away and having a license just means that you are allowed to practice driving alone now." Arthur beamed at him "I should go for a bit longer drive then." He continued smoothly and when Uther nodded at him approvingly, Arthur couldn't help but grin.

 

"My friend mentioned to me about this new sports store yesterday. It's quite far away, but now that I need practice, it wouldn't be a waste of time to go there." Uther looked his son in the eye, but Arthur knew his expressions. He wasn't dismissing the idea.

"I agree. “Where is this place?" Arthur gave him a brief explanation hoping that his father wouldn't check it out. Arthur had visited the store with Elyan half a year ago .

 

Uther nodded at Arthur’s explanation and gave him permission to go. Normally Arthur would have quit while he had the permission and not risk of his father changing his mind, but today the whole point was to get Merlin to come with him. He wanted to spend time with him and preferably outside the house. It felt like there was not really a point getting some time for himself if he couldn't spend it with Merlin.

 

"I could take Merlin with me. I'm sure he has some place he would like to visit too. We could have lunch on the way." Arthur had no reason to think that there was anything wrong with his statement, but he was still nervous. He tried to conceal it by taking a sip of his coffee. Uther looked up from his newspaper he had started to read and Arthur knew that now his father was suspicious. Arthur had crossed that invisible line where he would have to make excuses for himself.

 

"Any particular place he would want to go?" Uther asked with a tone that suggested that this was way more serious matter than Arthur thought it was. This was nothing new, it had always been like this with his father. "I'm not sure, but I would guess either library or a bookstore. There is a huge bookstore in the same complex than the sports store." Arthur held his breath. He realized that his father could notice how he seemed to know what was nearby the sports store he had never supposedly gone. Great. This was why he normally stopped when he still could.

 

Uther didn't seem satisfied. If Arthur hadn't grown up in this household and if he hadn't seen how his father had been with Morgana when she had been about as old as Arthur was now, he would have found this kind of unwillingness to let a fifteen years old boy out of the house in a middle of a day with his step brother who had a car and a license to be a weird behavior.  Before Arthur could start to wonder why was his father so strict with Merlin leaving the house, Uther sighed and folded his paper.

 

"Arthur, I want you to understand that he is not like you. Merlin has grown up in a remote, small village. He could get lost or he could get in trouble." Arthur blinked. His father sounded uncharacteristically worried and Arthur felt a bit warm inside. Maybe his father really _did_ see Merlin as his second son. Maybe this was why Merlin had known his father was proud of him? Maybe his father showed he cared more easily to others, or even just to Merlin? He was very easy to trust and like after all.

 

"Don't worry father, I'll be with him and I won't let him get lost." He said lightly and Uther again smiled at him. "I'll trust you on that then. I'll give you some money to eat out, but I expect you back by dinner time."

 

Arthur beamed at his father. He had to concentrate on keeping still and when they heard the doorbell ring, Arthur had to tell his father that he would go to wake Merlin up so he wouldn't give away how ridiculously happy he was right now. He rose the stairs two steps at a time. He knocked Merlin’s door and opened it before Merlin would have any change to actually answer it.

 

To his surprise, Merlin was already dressed, lying on his couch and talking to his cell.

"…and terrible manners I tell you. I have to go. I have a prat in my doorway right now… Hmm, tell your mother too. Bye."

Merlin ended the call and put his cell away before looking at Arthur.

"What can I do for you this early in the morning?" He asked sarcastically.

Arthur was just happy to see Merlin like he normally was and not like he had been in the beginning of the summer; passive, bored and moody. He grinned

"Come on, my car is here and we are going out! Take your purse and whatever, we'll eat out!" Arthur beamed and he jogged to pull Merlin up from the couch not caring about the unhappy sound Merlin made when he pulled him up by the arm.

 

Arthur jogged the way he had come happily and Merlin was left to just look at the now open door. What in the world? Going out and to eat… that sounded awesome. A bit unnerving, but just… Merlin couldn't find words how utterly tempting that sounded. And Uther had given them permission to go? Merlin would believe when he saw that.

 

It felt almost scary to exit his room with his wallet with him. He felt vulnerable and if it would turn out that he couldn't go after all, Merlin felt like he would give up on even trying to believe that there was anything good in this world. But Arthur had seemed so- just so happy and it made Merlin’s heart beat with hope. He took a deep breath before stepping outside. Uther was there looking pleased and Arthur was listening to some details about the car. Merlin could tell it was expensive and red. And that was about as much as he cared to know.

 

He toned down Arthur and the person who had bought the car here and concentrated on Uther. He seemed pleased and even when he turned to look at Merlin, he didn't seem like he normally did.

 _'He really does love Arthur. In his own way._ ' Merlin found this thought a bit disturbing. Oh, how much he wished that he could just loathe everything in Uther, but no. He was Arthur’s father. Merlin’s mother and clearly Arthur’s mother had seen something in him that Merlin just couldn't most of the time. But what was important now, was that Merlin couldn't see immediate danger. Arthur had finished talking and was now looking at every part of his new car. Merlin would have smiled if Uther hadn’t been there. He didn't even dare to look at Arthur more than a second at a time in fear of Uther noticing him staring like yesterday.

 

Merlin had called Will a bit too early for him to be awake yet. He had not been disappointed by Will’s grumbling how Merlin didn't have any sense of time. They had been talking almost half an hour. Will had soon gotten excited at being able to talk with his best friend after such a long while. Merlin hadn't picked up his cell for weeks now. He had been too tired or too ashamed to talk to his friend, but now he couldn't understand why in the world had he done that. Talking with Will had made him feel like himself again and he had given him strength to act normally with Arthur. It felt reassuring and the world had focused a bit around him. He wasn't as excited as Arthur about going out, but he thought that he might be just the moment when they couldn't see the house again.

 

"Merlin! Let’s go! We have a long drive ahead of us!" Arthur yelled at him.

Merlin turned to look at him. He glanced at Uther who looked like he had expected this. So, they _did_ have a permission to go.

"Merlin, I want you to stay close to my son and keep your cell phone with you. Arthur is in charge, remember that."

Merlin took in every word Uther said and tried to find hidden meanings or anger in them, but he found none. Maybe Uther really was pleased with him for teaching Arthur. Was this his real reward?

 

Merlin nodded slowly and when Uther turned to walk back inside, Merlin started to move towards the car. Arthur had opened the front door for him and Merlin stepped in the car stiffly. After he had closed the door and fastened his seatbelt, Arthur started the car and when Merlin saw the familiar scenery roll by, he finally relaxed and smiled like there was no tomorrow.

 

The ride was a bit quiet because Arthur had to concentrate on driving. Merlin was happy to leave him to it and just enjoy Arthur’s smooth driving and the scenery unfamiliar to him. The car started to feel safe and comfortably closed from the world outside the window. Merlin also found that he understood surprisingly well what Arthur was doing and why. Just in theory of course, but still. Arthur teased Merlin of how little he knew about cars and Merlin replied sarcastically at him. Partly because he didn't care about how large engine the car had or whatever and partly because he wanted to cover up his uneasiness. Wasn't a car one of the things every man was supposed to be interested of? Would someone guess he's gay if he didn't like cars? Maybe he should read some basic info at least and pretend to be interested? But the thought felt too tiresome and he couldn't make himself to care right now.

 

The shopping complex Arthur wanted to go was huge. Merlin had never seen anything like it. It wasn't a mall. It was like ten malls built on top of each other. The ride had taken them almost 45 minutes but some of the time had gone because Arthur had gotten a wrong turn once. Merlin didn't say anything. Arthur didn't look like he would appreciate the teasing. He was really trying hard to drive well and it was quite exciting to drive alone and to a place he had never been before.

 

When they had parked, Arthur glanced at Merlin. He felt proud of himself and he kind of hoped that Merlin would complement him on his driving. He was a tad disappointed when Merlin just took off his seatbelt and exited the car.

 

Inside the shopping complex Merlin was blown away. There was a huge round shaped center where one could see six stories up and the ceiling was made of glass so he could see the blue summer sky through it. They started by just idly going around the first floor and then moved to the second. The sports store was in a different wing and Arthur knew how to go there through the second floor, but in there was a huge bookstore in their way. Merlin didn't know if he could ask Arthur to go inside, but he didn't have to when Arthur beat him to it.

 

"You want to go take a look ?" He asked, not even waiting to hear if Merlin answered or not and walked to the store. Merlin following him quickly.

 

This was something Merlin had been waiting to see in the city; a bookstore as big as the school library, just with more colorful books. His dull depressed mood was wiped away and he went from one shelf to another while Arthur slowly followed him with a small smile on his lips. This was what he had wanted to see. Merlin could spend hours her.  With anyone else, Arthur would have been bored to death in minutes, but while he followed Merlin around, he felt like he was learning something new about Merlin. He found himself interested in what kinds of books Merlin would pick and which kind of books he liked.

 

Merlin started to chat happily with Arthur about what books he already had, what books he had read and what book someone named Will had. Arthur vaguely remembered Merlin mentioning his childhood friend and neighbor from his home village. It hadn't interested him much before, but now he felt something close to uneasiness or maybe just a hint of jealousy about how happy Merlin sounded while talking about Will.

 

In the end, Merlin found five new books. Two of them he said he had borrowed from Will and read a long time ago. The rest he had found from the best seller and fantasy shelves. Arthur told him to reserve them because he wouldn't want to carry them around for the whole day and Merlin did just that.

 

The sports store was a bit dull for Merlin. Arthur didn't have anything special he needed to so he was mostly just strolling around. Merlin wished he had bought at least one of the books so he could occupy himself with reading, but on the other hand he knew he would want to save as much as possible for home. 'Home…' Merlin shuddered at the thought. Did he really have to go back there? Couldn't he just disappear somewhere here and never leave? He sighed again feeling a bit tired. He looked at Arthur who was currently collecting some new shorts to try. He looked so happy and carefree and Merlin couldn't help but feel that he was far away from Arthur. Like he was in a different dimension. Here he stood close to Arthur but it almost felt like if he would try to touch Arthur, his hand would go right through him. He wished he was just as normal as Arthur was.

 

When Arthur went to try the shorts on, Merlin walked out of the store. He couldn't act normal anymore and he seriously didn't want to wait for Arthur to change and potentially ask his opinion about the new shorts. Merlin was sure he would give himself away if he had to look Arthur up and down and comment on his... whatever he wanted to buy.

 

Next to the sports store was a railing and Merlin leaned over it and looked down. He could see the floor below and when he looked up, he saw few floors up. He briefly wondered if anyone had ever killed themselves by jumping from the last floor and he thought back to the round center of the building. He wondered if he could jump himself, but the thought wasn't very serious. Still, he saw the possibility and suddenly life felt much thinner and fragile than it had before. He pushed himself off the railing and went back inside the store. He wouldn't want Arthur to get annoyed at him.

 

In the store, he saw Arthur immediately. He was clearly trying to find Merlin so Merlin quickly sat down on one of the benches next to the doorway. Eventually one annoyed looking Arthur found him and Merlin tried to look like he had been there all the time bored while his heart hammered in his chest. He didn't want to cause trouble for Arthur. Arthur looking him like that made his heart hurt. Being in love truly was not easy.

 

"Why the hell did you disappear like that! You could have at least told me you wanted to sit down. I have been looking for you like an idiot!" Arthur complained and Merlin could just lower his gaze to ground. He came up with some sarcastic replies, but he couldn't make himself actually say them.

"I'm just a bit hungry that’s all…" He tried. He knew that him mentioning food and eating made Arthur’s mood better most of the time even if he had no idea why. It didn't fail him this time either and Arthur’s expression softened.

"I'll just pay these and then we can find something to eat." He said, most of his annoyance forgotten. He left Merlin to go to pay the clothes in his hands.

 

While Arthur was gone, Merlin tried to psyche himself to act more cheerful and normal. He found some strength by telling himself that they would not go home anytime soon.  He should just concentrate on enjoying his alone time with Arthur. 'But not too much, remember s- step-brothers!' you are just friends. God this was tiring.

 

They found a nice looking Nepalese restaurant. Merlin found himself quite hungry. After all, he hadn't eaten breakfast. They ordered different things so they could share. The homey and warm environment together with excellent and different food started to get to Merlin so much that he had to remind himself not to get ahead of himself. His conversation with Arthur started to roll like it normally did and Merlin loved it. He saw hope in his resolution once more. Right now, it felt like he could just stay by Arthur’s side like this.

 

"So, we still have a lot of time, what do you want to do? There’s almost everything here. If I remember correctly there is even a movie theatre." Arthur said at one point. Merlin had to pause for a moment. Movies with Arthur sounded like too many things at once. He soon labeled the idea too risky even if it sounded tempting. He had only been to the movies twice before. Besides, it sounded too much like a date

"I don't know? It's your birthday.  You pick." Merlin said. He left the decision to Arthur even as he hoped he would say 'movies'.

 

Arthur gave it some thought. He wanted to do something that would make Merlin happy. He hadn't seen Merlin happy enough. He still seemed somewhat tired and not entirely present.

 

"I remember you mentioning something about cake and stuff for your birthday. I’ve never had that kind of birthday so tell me, what do you do for fun?" Arthur genuinely wanted to know and Merlin blushed a little to that. He felt happy that Arthur was interested in him.

 

"Well, it's not much that we can do here. In summer, we would sometimes go to the lake with boats or just swim and have a picnic on the shore. Once when Ted had a birthday party, his dad took us all on a ride with his truck and he even let us try the wheel. It was cool. My birthday we usually stayed inside or had a snow fight in the nearby forest. It's not like we had much of anything like this there." He said as his memories played in his head.

 

He must have smiled fondly because Arthur asked him "Do you miss it?"

 

Merlin snapped his eyes briefly to Arthur as his thought wandered to his old life. He knew that he wouldn't fit in his old home anymore. He had always felt the village a bit too small for him. He wasn't a child anymore. As much as he wanted to be, he just wasn't anymore. The things he had enjoyed back then wouldn't have the same meaning anymore. Even if he had the opportunity to go back, he knew that he would still have to hide who he was. There he would know everyone and hiding would be much more difficult. There would be no chance of ever finding anyone like him. But still, did he fit here either? Probably not. Would he ever fit anywhere? He didn't know.

 

"Come on stop thinking. Tell me." Arthur kicked Merlin under the table lightly, an amused smile playing on his lips. Merlin frowned a bit. Mostly tat the topic, but at least Arthur had given him a reason to look displeased.

"Not really." He answered shortly. It was true. Mostly he missed times that would never come back.

"Why? Wasn't it your home?" Arthur asked interested now. Merlin looked sideways and shrugged.

"I just don't really fit in anymore." He said, sounding a bit annoyed. "I would like to find a place I do." He continued with a much quieter tone. He hadn't intended to say that out loud, but somehow, he had.

 

Arthur looked at Merlin seriously now. There had been many times when Merlin had listened and helped him with his problems and this was the first time he felt that he was closer to hearing something truly personal.

 

"Had any luck yet?" He asked and wished Merlin would smile at him and say yes;that he felt as much at home with Arthur as Arthur felt with him.

 

Merlin just continued to look sideways and said with a bland tone "I'm not sure yet." It hurt to hear that, but Arthur had asked, hadn't he?

 

"Eat your food and we'll go get some cake. There should be a bakery downstairs." Arthur changed the subject and hoped that his hurt hadn't transformed into annoyance in his tone. Merlin nodded and continued eating.

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Soon they were on their way and they found a bakery with cafe attached. Arthur felt better when he saw Merlin’s eyes light at the handmade pastries. They chose far too many things to try. In the end they had to take most of them to go. "Let’s eat some tomorrow in the garden. Father doesn't have to know about it." Arthur said and winked, making Merlin grin. Once again, something was right in Arthur’s universe.

 

Merlin felt better. Somehow getting to say something out loud that troubled him and having Arthur listen to him had bettered his mood. He felt much more in balance and more confident with being around Arthur. The cakes were delicious and the thought of having more of them tomorrow made returning to the house feel less horrible. Even if every silver lining Merlin had in his life seemed to come with a cloud, the silver linings were still there.

 

As the time they should leave was getting nearer, they visited the bookstore and bought everything Merlin had reserved. Merlin enjoyed the feeling of being able to use his own money. He hadn't done that many times yet. When they were walking to the car, Merlin had a bag full of books, the sports clothes and a new football Arthur had bought for Merlin on impulse. Arthur balanced a box of pastries while trying to find his car key in his pocket.

 

Merlin wasn't so sure what had actually happened. They had just put everything on the truck and they were laughing about something or the other when suddenly Arthur wrapped his arms around him. At first Merlin froze. He had no idea what was happening. In  his worst case scenario, he had lost his touch of reality again, but Arthur’s embrace felt so warm and so sweet. God, Merlin had wanted to feel this so many times. He hesitantly bought his arms up to return the hug, careful that he wouldn't slip to anything else than just a friendly hug. His breath was slightly quicker than normally and he knew he was blushing. Fortunately, Arthur couldn't see that right now.

 

"Thanks Merlin, I had fun." Arthur mumbled to Merlin’s neck, making him shiver slightly. He was few centimeters taller than Arthur (which irked Arthur to no end), so when Arthur hugged him, Merlin could feel Arthur’s hair against his cheek. It was too much. He could feel his blood slowly but surely warming his lower belly and he had to get out of this situation before he would ruin everything.

 

Merlin patted Arthur’s back hoping to seem normal. Arthur pulled back and grinned at him. He started to babble something or another about the things they had done or maybe whatever they had been talking about previously. Merlin had no idea what, but he was just happy that Arthur wasn't looking at him right now. He felt at least ten shades redder than he normally was. He could feel warm glow on his skin where Arthur had touched him and he felt this bittersweet feeling thrumming inside of him. It was a miracle that he managed to seem indifferent and normal even if he did edge himself as far from Arthur as possible while still sitting in the front seat.

 

Arthur was in deep trouble. He knew that now. They had been walking towards his car. His very own car! Merlin had laughed at something Arthur said and smiled at him brightly. Arthur had felt that this was the best birthday. Hell, it might have been the best day he’d ever had. His father had told him how proud of him he really was yesterday. He had a car and the freedom it would bring to his life. Now he’d had this carefree day alone with Merlin. When Merlin’s hands were free, Arthur hadn’t given it much thought. He had just thrown his arms around Merlin and hugged him tightly. Merlin had stiffened at first and Arthur had felt a small bang in his heart, but when Merlin had relaxed and hugged him back. Arthur felt he wanted to just stay like this forever.

 

Embracing Merlin, his hands had been on Merlin’s shoulders so he had been able to feel the ends of Merlin’s hair touch just slightly his hand. He wanted so much to have Merlin on his lap and cares his hair softly. Merlin had smelled nice and Arthur had needed to concentrate on not taking a deep breath and nuzzling to his best friend’s neck.

 

Arthur knew that the hug had been way too long to be normal so he had tried to cover it up by thanking Merlin for once. He had felt a bit vulnerable saying something like that so straight forwardly but at the same time he had felt a bit proud of himself for opening his mouth for once.

 

Soon after Merlin had tensed slightly and patted Arthurs back awkwardly. Arthur had taken it as a sign that he should let go of Merlin right then or preferably half a minute ago, so he had.

Merlin had looked a bit uneasy. Arthur had tried to act like nothing had happened.  He drove for about five minutes, blabbering about how easy it was to drive his new car. Merlin sat silently, practically glued to the side window. Arthur sighed.

 

"Merlin, I know that you don't like it when people touch you, but it's not like I bit you or something. It was just a hug." Arthur said. Of course, it didn’t come anywhere near what it had felt for him. He was painfully aware that his want to be around Merlin and his pseudo crush on him was an actual crush and it was slowly sinking in what that really meant. He knew he would have a lot to think about once he was alone. For once he was happy that he was good at pushing matters to the back of his mind and concentrating on the task in hand. Normally that just caused him to push some important stuff aside too long until he found himself so irritated that he, for example trashed his room. Merlin moved a bit uneasily and looked at him apologetically.

 

"I guess you are right.” He mumbled, _almost_ meeting Arthur’s eyes. “You just never did that before. I was just surprised."

 

"Haven't I really?" Arthur asked even though he knew full well that he hadn't. Merlin blushed a bit and shook his head.

 

“So pretty.” Arthur thought and shook his own head slightly to get it in order. Having a crush really was a frightening thing. No wonder his team mates were all over the place at times.

 

"I have seen you hug Gwen plenty of times, isn't that the same?" Arthur asked out of curiosity even if he was sure he would regret asking. He didn't want it to be the same. To his surprise, Merlin seemed to calm down and he even smiled a little amused smile.

 

"When you turn out to be as pretty as Gwen you can hug me all you want." Merlin teased. Arthur tried to slap him with his hand, but he missed because he still had to keep his gaze on the road. The car lurched a bit from its way, but not dangerously so. Merlin just laughed at Arthur and Arthur had to smile too. He was glad that Merlin was still acting normal even if his heart sank for the obviousness of how Gwen was a pretty girl and he wasn’t.

 

When Arthur told Merlin that he knew how Merlin didn't like when people touched him, Merlin’s first thought was “so that’s how it looks like on the outside” He was relieved that Arthur had thought his weird response to be because he didn't like physical contact and he started to find himself ridiculously happy about the hug. Now that he had survived it without giving himself away, he stored every detail on his memory while trying to answer Arthur’s questions. He felt a small danger when he realized he had let on that he had paid attention if Arthur had hugged him or not while Arthur hadn't thought anything about it. Fortunately,Arthur didn't seem to notice anything. When Arthur mentioned Gwen, Merlin had a perfect opportunity to mask his reaction further and tease Arthur while doing it.

 

Even if normally Merlin would have been happy when getting out of the house and gloomy when it was time to go back, today it was the opposite. The rest of the drive Merlin was in high spirits and he felt that this day had been exactly what he had needed. He could do this. He could go back to his room and he could look forward to things again. He had something to do and he had some good memories he could play to himself once in a while. He was a bit proud of himself how he had not done anything stupid or dirty when Arthur had hugged him and that made him lose some of his shame.

 

When they had driven to the garage Arthur’s car had now a space for, Merlin had patted Arthur on his shoulder a bit and told him that he could handle Arthur’s driving the next time too now that he knew that Arthur wouldn't kill them both. This of course translated in Arthur’s head 'You drove well'. He’d been all smiles for the whole dinner. He told everything about the stores they had visited and about the car and his driving in the dinner table while Merlin kept looking slightly amused. Hunith had complimented him and his father had looked pleased and even proposed that Arthur should go out more often so he could practice different routes. When Arthur had asked if Merlin could come too, his father had agreed and Hunith had been pleased "He spends too much time at home anyway."

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After dinner, Merlin had gone to his room to read and Arthur had retired to his room, finding a perfect time slot for himself to think. He threw himself on his couch and closed his eyes. Alright, he liked Merlin. In a very inappropriate way. Arthur covered his face with his hands and rubbed his eyes. This was so messed up. Crushes and dating had been as far from Arthur’s priority list that it was even hard to see them from where he stood.

 

When his friends had started to talk about girls this and girls that, Arthur had tried to blend in. In the end, he had just dropped the act. He couldn't be bothered and it annoyed the hell out of him when people assumed that girls were the only thing he ever thought just because he was a boy. That had been the point he had started to tease those who were different. It had seemed to amuse his class mates and some friends from his football team. It had been great distraction from the fact that he himself felt different from the rest of them. He’d snapped out of his habit because of Merlin. How fitting in a way.

 

But Merlin wasn't just one of the crushes or physical lust that others shared. Merlin was first and foremost his best friend (who also happened to live in the same house than he did). Merlin challenged him, he made him a better person and helped him when he needed it. Arthur didn’t know if he needed help.

 

That all should have been fine and nice and normal, but there was no way around the fact that he had developed this obsession with him. Even now when he wasn’t next to him Arthur felt a physical want. Not that he hadn't felt it before today too, but wanting to caress someone's hair wasn't exactly what he accustomed to boys doing with their friends. This was on a whole different level. Arthur turned to his side and hugged his pillow. Closing his eyes, he could feel Merlin’s arms hesitantly hugging him and he could hear his slightly stressed breathing in his ears. He felt the slight warmth of his breath on his hair. It had felt so good.

 

In a way, Arthur wondered how much of the sensation had been because nobody had really hugged him since he had been a child. He remembered Morgana hugging him good night when she had been barely thirteen and Arthur had been an eight- year old boy. Morgana’s hugs had been warm and Arthur remembered how her long soft curls had brushed his cheeks and how Arthur had complained to her how they went in his face. Then Morgana had stopped. Not suddenly, but gradually. The last time Arthur could remember her hugging him was two months before she had moved away, never contacting Arthur again.

 

She had been in an awful mood then. She had been for many years.  Arthur remembered her squeezing him so hard that it had hurt more than given him comfort. His father had never been touchy. That much was clear, but Arthur could still remember an occasional hug now and then when he had been a small child. Back then his father had been telling him how much he reminded him of Ygraine. Arthur had loved those moments. For years now Arthur hadn't even thought that he missed this kind of contact but the hug today with Merlin had been something entirely different from anything he had experienced before. He knew he wanted more and that this was not a sibling or even friend thing. But something was still bugging him.

 

However much he had tried to get himself interested in the past, he still couldn't see himself dating anyone. Of course, what he exactly wanted to do with Merlin was close to what dating was. He wanted to take him out, spend time alone with him and be close. But he wasn't interested in physical contact further than what he already had experienced. He still couldn't find himself interested in sex or even kissing. It still felt too messy and just not desirable for him. It was funny how Arthur was more worried of not wanting to have sex with Merlin (or anyone for that matter) than his crush on said boy. He felt abnormal and while he knew he should be happy that at least he wasn't lusting like that after his step-brother, he mostly felt that even this he couldn't do right.

 

A bizarre thought soon replaced by the sinking feeling realizing what this could mean. He could be a homosexual. That had been one of the many groups of people that his father had never accepted in any level. In a way, Arthur was used to that, but he had always been careful not to belong to any of those groups himself. It had been the first priority most of his life. The second being trying to be something his father approved. It wasn't exactly the same thing.

Arthur squeezed the pillow he was still hugging against his chest and let it go with a sigh. He sat up and rubbed his eyes again. It was just so unnerving. What should he do? What _could_ he do?

 

Nothing. Was the answer that popped into his head. Nothing, precisely nothing. That way he wouldn't strain his relationships with Merlin or his father or Hunith or anyone else on that matter. Maybe he would grow out of this. He could go out now more freely and he was growing up. He would meet new people and he would get to hang out with those he already knew more. Maybe Merlin was just the only one he could really spend time with and Arthur had confused his affection for his friend to be something he was just starting to want. It hurt a little bit to think it like that, but he tried to tell himself that it would be better if he was just confused instead of lusting after Merlin. Merlin. He’d had been so uneasy just with a simple hug. He’d mostly tried to keep Arthur at arm’s length. That had been before Arthur had gotten this obsession with him. Imagine how Merlin would panic if he knew what Arthur had felt hugging him. Merlin would most probably not want to stay in the same room as Arthur if he ever found out about that.

 

Arthur sighed again. Yep, doing nothing seemed like the way to go. Merlin’s friendship was too precious to lose over something like this. He would rather just spend time with him and hopefully he could get Merlin to talk more about himself again. Arthur smiled a little. He wasn't good with that kind of things, Merlin was. He was glad that even if Merlin had practically told him that he wasn't feeling like home here. That translated in Arthur’s head that Arthur wasn't as important to Merlin as Merlin was to him. Arthur felt that he belonged and that he had a home now that Merlin was in his life. Why couldn't he affect Merlin the same way?

 

Arthur glanced his clock and realized that he had been thinking here almost two hours. And he called Merlin a girl. Arthur stood up and decided to go to see what Merlin was up to. They could plan where to go next and what to do. Arthur had his football practices tomorrow, the first he would drive to himself. Maybe Merlin would join him there.


	12. Price to pay for a night out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beated by CONNI4. Thank you so much honey!

Arthur was able to go as he pleased with his car. He wasn't sure how long his fathers 'it's good to practice' phase would last, probably until school started in the latest. Still Arthur would take everything he could the opportunity of not making excuses for himself to leave the house. Fortunately, that included Merlin too.

Arthur had once told his father a story about how useful Merlin was at reminding him about things. Merlin did have a good memory. Luckily it was true, because Arthur had finished his explanation to his father when Merlin had walked to the room. Uther had taken the opportunity to ask some random questions. For once Merlin had seemed sure of himself in Arthur’s father’s presence had answered the questions calmly and spot on every time.

After that, Arthur only needed to make up some location they would drive to. Mostly he would just name the area in the city and his father wouldn't question further. Mostly, they visited Gwen and Elyan. Once Arthur had asked if Merlin would like to come to some of Arthur’s friend’s birthday party. That one Merlin had refused. He didn't feel confident enough to spend time in a cramped space with Arthur’s friends as he hardly knew them. Arthur had been disappointed and had not dared to ask again if Merlin would like to visit his friends’ houses. There had been just something, the same uneasiness Merlin showed when Arthur came too close. So, mostly they would just go to the city and eat out or go to some cafe or stores.

Merlin loved the city. He felt like he could breathe in the masses of different people who didn't know him. While Arthur wouldn't let him out of his sight so 'Merlin wouldn't get lost' Merlin was enjoying himself very much. It seemed a bit weird to him how often Arthur was willing to just show him around and just spend some time with him. Merlin couldn't think that he himself was great company, but it made him happy nonetheless. Sometimes Arthur would brush shoulders with him or pull him to some direction by his arm. Merlin had felt a small panic at first, he was used to it now. He was confident that Arthur wouldn't notice his small blush or how happy Merlin felt after their- Merlin was avoiding the word 'dates'- even if he couldn't find a much more suitable word for their trips to cafes and attractions.

Four weeks after Arthur had gotten his car, they had visited more cool places that Merlin had in all his years combined. He had seen massive old buildings, the biggest bookstore he could have ever imagined and his favorite, the aquarium. When Arthur had realized that Merlin had never been in one, he had immediately dragged Merlin there. He didn’t care how odd it felt to be two guys in dimly lit long underwater corridors while they were surrounded by larger groups of friends, couples and families. He just hoped no one they knew would pop up from behind some corner.

Merlin had been thrilled. He’d obviously missed what bothered Arthur. Seeing Merlin stare at sharks and colorful fishes this wide eyed smile on his face made Arthur’s heart dance. He mostly kept looking at Merlin with an amused expression. He had been in the aquarium at least five times on ever so boring school field trips and even twice with Morgana when they had been little. He couldn't remember if their father had been with them so probably not. But this was the best experience there so far. Merlin’s excitement was contagious and Arthur found himself looking at the underwater creatures with new interest.

In a way, Arthur felt that with Merlin, he could face his childhood traumas he hadn't been even aware of. He had, just by spending time with Merlin, been replacing his old experiences with new. Once, he had dismissed the aquarium as something boring and insignificant. Now he could see he’d done that because he didn't want to think of his big sister. He could remember how much fun he’d had here and found he could still enjoy it. He realized he’d become way too serious. It was just an aquarium. He had liked it when he had been a child. He could like it still. Arthur’s life was expanding to be outside of his father’s will and his father’s goals and his father’s house. It was all thanks to Merlin. If this was thanks to his unnatural crush on Merlin, he wouldn't mind at all. So far Merlin was still the best thing that had happened to him.

"How come Gwen couldn't come with us today?"   
Arthur was snapped out of his pleasant haze of pleasant thoughts by Merlin’s question. They were driving home and in a relatively straight part of road so Arthur glanced at Merlin who was looking at him with mild curiosity. Arthur kicked himself mentally. Merlin had been spending a lot of time on his phone lately. Of course, he had talked with Gwen. Arthur had been reluctant to having anyone else with them because he wanted to be alone with Merlin. Now he would have to give that up if he wouldn't want to make that known.

"I had no idea where we were going. Wouldn't it be rude to drag Gwen just anywhere?" Arthur asked, was not feeling confident enough to actually look at Merlin. God, it was useful that he had to keep his eyes on the road.  
Merlin didn't seem satisfied by his explanation. "I'm sure she wouldn't have minded. I heard about the aquariums from her and she seemed to want to go too."

Arthur would have squirmed if he hadn’t had the road and driving to hold his concentration. "Oh, well, let’s go with her next time." He said casually, completely missing how Merlin blushed and tried to conceal his smile when Arthur’s words 'next time' sank in. "Or we could visit Gwen this weekend?" Arthur continued. He wanted to make the point that he hadn't been wanting to monopolize Merlin’s time. He was very aware that he couldn't just suggest that he could simply drop Merlin off and not come with him. These were the times Arthur found his crush a bit inconvenient. By 'a bit', he meant a lot.

Merlin brightened at that and seemed to forget his original question. "Could we spend the night?” he asked. “Gwen told me that she wouldn't mind the company. Her father has taken some night shifts and Elyan is God knows where probably making trouble for himself." He continued. Arthur rose his eyebrow at that

"Your words or Gwen’s?" He asked, making Merlin blush and Arthur laugh at him. "You girls spend too much time on the phone. I'll ask father. He's more likely to give me the permission. No offence, but you’re a terrible liar." He said.

Merlin replied immediately, "None taken.” He was glad that Arthur had volunteered. He had no courage to ask himself, remembering what had happened the last time. Merlin trusted that Arthur was clever enough to leave out the detail that Gwen was home alone so he didn't say anything about that.

Arthur thought of some stories he could tell his father to let them go. He was annoyingly happy that Merlin hadn't even batted an eyelash while saying that could they go to Gwen’s when she was alone. No matter how his logic told him that Merlin had said many times he didn't like Gwen like that and no matter how much he saw them interact like friends with no romantic undertones (less than he had with Merlin actually), he still felt this small pull in his heart strings when he thought them alone in Gwen’s house. He knew he had no right to these kinds of feelings. It wasn't like he was dating Merlin or even had a normal crush on him. Not to mention how Merlin would no doubt react if Arthur as much as hinted that he didn't like how Merlin was around a beautiful girl who didn't date anyone. Having a crush really was taxing.

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Arthur managed to get them permission to visit Gwen and spend the night. Merlin had no idea how, but after Arthur had told him the news, he had immediately called Gwen who had been over the moon. Merlin had also called Will and told him everything he’d seen at the aquariums. Even if Will had told him he was acting like a child, Merlin knew his tone. He was jealous as hell of not seeing the sharks Merlin kept describing far more than necessary just to annoy Will. Merlin was in high spirits and he managed to stay that way until he ended his phone call with Will.

When he had put his phone back in his pocket, Merlin let himself slide to the floor from his couch. He was happy with so many things. He knew that even if the silver lining was bright and beautiful right now, there was still a cloud and more coming from the horizon. Uther had visited his room about once a week. While he had kept telling Merlin something or another about rewards and about being pleased how Merlin was helping Arthur, he had still been rough and that equaled painful for Merlin.

He managed to be happy, actually happy during the days. Still, even if he wasn't exactly afraid on most of the nights, his mood dulled when he was left alone in the evenings. He had a habit of falling into numbness until he couldn't stay awake anymore somewhere around midnight which was usually the latest Uther would show his face. 

From about ten to twelve, Merlin made a habit of lying on his couch with Arthur’s driving theory papers on his lap opened at a random page. Eventually he would get his blanket from the bed. When Uther came to his room, he always seemed pleased to see that Merlin was seemingly studying even if it didn't make any sense to Merlin. He already knew this all by heart. How stupid would he have to be to read some forty pages over and over again for the past almost two months. He really didn't get where Uther was coming from most of the time.

Uther had just been in his room the night before so when he opened Merlin’s door at eleven, Merlin had been totally unprepared. He’d been reading one of the fantasy books he had purchased on his visit to the biggest bookstore he had ever seen. Uther frowned when he saw Merlin’s choice of reading and Merlin regretted breaking his habit. Merlin dropped the book and automatically leaped off from the couch. He really didn't want Uther near it.

"I see you are idling around until late. " Uther commented with a very displeased tone. Merlin felt his comment unjust. It was holidays and what else was there to do than idle around? Was he really expecting Merlin to still be reading the damn theory of driving? It wasn't like even Arthur needed any of it anymore. Seriously. there was nothing Merlin couldn't remember if asked from it

"So, tell me boy, what do you want of this Gwen girl? You seem to call her a lot." Merlin paled. He had thought his phone bill must have gone up at least 500% and he had been briefly worried about that, but what was there to tell? That he was bored? Or that the only way he could keep pretending to himself he was normal was to talk with his friends?

Then something caught Merlin’s attention. he realized Uther had only asked about Gwen. When his mother had teased Merlin one day at the dinner table about how much time he spent on the phone nowadays, Merlin had mumbled something about Gwen and how long she could keep talking about trivial things. He hadn't mentioned Will even if he knew that it would have been interesting for his mother to hear how he and his mother were doing. He had been too aware of how Uther was listening to his every word and bringing up any boy’s name hadn't seemed safe. But what caught Merlin’s attention right now, was that Uther didn't know about Will. 'Good' Merlin thought finding a brief comfort in that.

While Merlin was unfocused, Uther clearly lost his interest on the answer because he soon closed the distance between them and Merlin felt himself being dragged to his bed. He hated the bed so much… But there was nothing to struggle against. There was nothing he could do. The lack of control and the powerless feeling Merlin had come familiar with swept over him.

Uther pounded in him until he cried and told him not to get carried away with himself. "Spending a night out. I swear if you try anything with that poor girl I'll show her how dirty you really are. I bet she wouldn't want to even look at you after that!" He hissed in Merlin’s ear.

Merlin whimpered as he felt panic rise in him at the thought of Gwen ever finding out about this. The pictures… he could do nothing to deny them if Uther were to ever show them to Gwen. She would hate him for sure. Merlin sobbed something like that he would behave himself when he suddenly felt something warm on his neck.

It was Uther’s tongue and the moment Merlin understood this he shuddered violently. It felt disgusting and Merlin felt like ice had been poured into his spinal cord. And then the sucking started. Merlin yelped when he felt Uther bite his neck and he lost all the remaining power he had in his limbs. Uther had pulled Merlin to his chest and now all of Merlin’s weight was suddenly on his arms. Uther grunted and let Merlin fall to the mattress. Merlin just closed his eyes and willed it all to end.

After Uther had ejaculated in him and left, Merlin continued to lay there limp and unmoving. Merlin felt silent tears run on his cheeks. He hated this. He hated it all. Finally, this one clear thought penetrated Merlin’s messed up mind. Whatever Uther had told him before, Merlin didn't want this. Not with Uther and he wasn't sure if after all this he would want it with anyone. Not even Arthur.

Merlin closed his eyes and he imagined Arthur hugging him and Merlin felt a spark of warmth inside of him. He closed his eyes and recalled how warm Arthur had been and how much Merlin loved him, but when he tried to imagine giving himself up like this to Arthur. As he predicted, he felt cold and he shuddered. He couldn't do that, not anymore. He tried to think of his future. In two and a half years he could leave this house and never come back. He would never have to see Uther or Arthur or even his mother. He could just disappear.

But, his heart clenched painfully at the thought of never seeing Arthur again. He wouldn't be able to date Arthur, obviously, but now he felt that maybe he wouldn't be able to date anyone at all. Ever. Uther had made sure of that. Not only could he show the pictures of Merlin to whoever Merlin was dating (if anyone could even get interested in him like that) but Merlin couldn't himself. He had avoided being touched yes, but that had been more of a precaution than anything else. Now it was more how Arthur had described it previously. Merlin didn't like it when anyone touched him. Or more likely he couldn't even think of someone touching him in any other than strictly platonic. Just a thought of that felt revolting.

Usually Merlin would have showered, but tonight he felt like it was all in vain and the only thing he managed to muster some strength to do was to roll out of his bed. He pulled his pillow and his blanket with him and he slept between his bed and his desk so if someone would come to the room in the morning, they wouldn't see him immediately.

When the morning came, he was cold and stiff, but he still felt better physically than mentally. He found he liked being uncomfortable. It was easier just to surrender to misery than to fight against his dark mood.

When Merlin climbed up from the floor it was barely five o'clock, but he had survived with less sleep. It wasn't like he had anything to do that would really need much attention. Still didn't take him two steps to realize that getting to sleep without showering had been a bad idea. His crotch was sticky and itchy and walking hurt his cold and sore muscles. But when he had crawled out of the shower, the real horror struck him. He hadn't even planned to look at the mirror, but when he walked past it, he saw something from the corner of his eye. Merlin spun around to look at the mirror and he tried to see the back of his neck desperately.

In the end, he had to try and find something else that had a reflective surface. He didn't have any other mirrors, but remembered how his phone had a camera and while it made him nervous to even open the camera while he only had a towel on, He needed to see what state he was in.

He swallowed his fear and took a picture of his neck to see it more clearly. In the picture, he could even see Uther’s teeth marks. Merlin shuddered and deleted the photo immediately. He had to concentrate on not just throwing the phone on the wall and his hand slapped his neck the moment the phone was safely on the table next to his sink. Knowing the red mark was there made Merlin feel like his skin was glowing and too hot and he wanted to get rid of it. He scratched. He scratched the tender piece of skin until it hurt and he kept going on like he wanted to get rid of his skin altogether.

Finally his neck and his fingers hurt from scratching and he found himself from the floor. Merlin had no idea when he had sat down, but when he touched his neck once more, it stung just from a light touch and felt raw and somehow moist in a sticky way. Merlin took a piece of toilet paper and pressed it on his neck. It stuck to his neck partially but the part he got off without ripping it, he saw some yellow liquid and just tiniest droplets of blood. This didn't seem enough so Merlin scratched his neck few times regardless of the sharp pain, taking some time in between to adjust to the pain. It seemed to go down some nerves because he could feel a needle like sting in his lower back and head when he touched one precise spot.

He only stopped playing with his wound when he realized that it could scar and he really didn't want to explain that to his mother. He looked at the long scar on his thigh. That was enough. Merlin’s mother had asked few times if Merlin had wanted to go to swim with her during the summer. Merlin really liked swimming, but even if he thought he could survive changing and being in front of other only in his trunks, there was no way he could explain his scar to his mother. 

Technically it was so high that his trunks covered it (Merlin had tested that) but there was no way of guaranteeing it would stay hidden if he swam or bent his knees. He told his mother that he was not a child anymore and would rather not go to some noisy pool. His mother had seemed hurt and they had fought the last time his mother had asked. Merlin hated it, but at least that had been the end of her asking.

Merlin reluctantly took his phone out and took another picture, closing his eyes automatically to the sound of shutter. He looked at the picture and immediately saw that he had gone too far. The scratches weren’t limited to the area of the now non- existent hickey, but there were long angry red markings up to his scalp and down to his shoulder plates. Had he really done that much? Apparently yes.

Merlin wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there so he glanced at his door nervously before ducking out from his bathroom and into his closet. After the door was closed, he felt safe again. It was dark and narrow and it helped him to concentrate. He picked up clothes that hid as much skin as possible and used every color he could. He chose red shirt with green pants and blue neckerchief just to hide how nervous he really was. It turned out to be almost half past six when he was finally ready.

After checking his neck from the mirror, he fell on his couch to get some needed sleep. It was cold without a blanket so he didn't sleep very well. After he finally woke, he knew his mother would scold him for sleeping so late. He would rather get up than have his mother drag him out of bed.

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As expected, his mother gave him a lecture for sleeping till too late "School starting is just around the corner. You have to start getting to bed earlier” She couldn’t know what 'getting to bed' meant for Merlin. The same words held such different meanings. Merlin was unable to explain what he meant, so it became fight soon after.

From the corner of his eye, Merlin saw Arthur coming in from the garden. He had a football under his arm and looked confused and surprised on Merlin’s actions. Merlin didn't stop snarling at his mother even if he felt embarrassed Arthur witnessing this.

"It's my business when I go to sleep! I did well last year. I'm not a child anymore!" His mother tried to reason with him and Merlin hated it. He didn't want to be like this! He hated every second of it! Why couldn't everyone just leave him alone in some dark corner and forget he existed.

In the end his mother threatened him that he was not going to visit anyone if she couldn't trust him behaving even in their own home. The word 'home' rubbed Merlin the wrong way and he snapped "Well I don't care!" This was the point where Arthur leapt between them.

"Hunith, I'm sure Merlin doesn't mean that… He just probably didn't sleep well… " He tried to calm Hunith down and Merlin didn't dare to yell at Arthur’s back.

When Arthur saw Hunith calm down a little he turned to Merlin with serious expression causing Merlin to turn his gaze to his right, as far from Arthur’s eyes as possible. "Merlin, you calm down. I don't want to call Gwen to tell her we are not coming to help her out with his father sick and all." Merlin snapped his eyes back to Arthur’s. Arthur’s eyes were stern and his gaze told Merlin that if he was going mess up Arthur’s hard work, he would have to face one very pissed off Arthur.

Merlin turned his gaze down and he mumbled something Arthur couldn't hear, but he saw Merlin’s expression and he slowly stepped sideways so he wasn't standing in between Merlin and his mother anymore.

"Sorry… I just- I guess I have been a bit bored being here all the time… I have been reading my new books till too late. I'll stop that." Merlin said with a soft tone to his mother’s chin. Hunith looked worried, but finally she smiled a little sad smile.

"I know dear that you have been holed up in here far too much. I wish I could drive you to places, but you must make some effort yourself too. I have tried asking you to go to swim with me and every time you say no. I know that you are on that age that I'm starting to be too old to be good company." She said in a stern but sad voice and Merlin automatically cut in.

"No! I mean… you are not too old it's just the swimming." He stopped in the middle not sure how to continue and his mother again looked worried

"But you used to love swimming!" Merlin saw Arthur look at him from the corner of his eye and he looked interested of the information or maybe of Merlin’s reaction.

Merlin closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this. "You know it's not the same in an inside pool with tiled floor and chlorine." He said. His mother looked taken aback and she glanced at Arthur, but seemed to understand.

"I see.” She said. “I should have guessed. Why don't we think of something else to do together then? Before the school and all the fuss starts?" She looked at Merlin hopefully and Merlin nodded slowly. He could do that. He would have to.

Arthur looked pleased at them and patted their shoulders cheerfully making Merlin jump a little. "Now that this is settled, why don't we all go to get some snack, or in Merlin’s case here, breakfast. I'm starving!" Merlin looked pointedly at Arthur’s hand that was still firmly on his shoulder. Arthur moved his hands like Merlin’s shoulder was suddenly burning him. Merlin ignored the cold feeling on his shoulder now that Arthur’s hand wasn't there anymore and nodded again.

They spend good half an hour on the table with Hunith drinking tea and Arthur eating more than Merlin was. Arthur stayed cheerful and Merlin understood why. He hadn't seen Uther yet and that man was usually there in a flash if Merlin as much as talked with an inappropriate tone much less yelling in the middle of the house. Him not showing his face meant that he was out and Arthur wanted to hide any tension left between them before his father got home. Even if Hunith had forgotten her previous threat, Merlin was sure that Uther wouldn't hesitate repeating it and delivering on it if he heard about this. It gradually dawned to Merlin how lucky he had been. He started to see how Uther had been in his room yesterday precisely because Merlin was going to spend his night out of the house and even if it was expected that Uther would come once again when he returned, it would be all the same if he had seen Merlin fight with his mother. 'Wouldn't be the first time' Merlin thought bitterly and unconsciously kept his neck bent slightly backwards so his scratches wouldn't show. He wished Uther wouldn't notice them.

Uther came back home just before dinner. Merlin held his breath until Uther rose from his seat telling them that he had to leave for work once more after he took something or the other from his office. 'So, that's why he came yesterday already and not today.' Merlin thought but was pleased to see him go even if he had to survive seeing Uther give his mother a kiss. Luckily Arthur who was looking at him when he shuddered, made a face behind his father’s back indicating that he felt the same. The same being disturbed by seeing their parents kiss even if it was for entirely different reasons.

That night Merlin talked with his mother calmly with a smile on his face longer than he could remember for the whole summer and they made plans to go to the aquarium again. Arthur promised to drive them even if he half -heartedly complained how they had just been there. Hunith was thrilled. He had been in an aquarium over twenty years ago when her parents had still been alive and suddenly she and Arthur had something in common at a sentimental level and the conversation flowed.

That night Merlin slept better than he could even remember and when the morning came he was fully rested and excited to see Gwen and chat with her preferably until he couldn't form sentences without falling asleep. He partly wished that Elyan would take Arthur somewhere so he could spend some time alone with Gwen, but on the other hand no. He would have loved to spend time with Arthur, but it was very taxing and unnerving, so he was glad that he didn't have to make the decision. He would just wait and see.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In the morning, He felt energetic. With Uther gone, Merlin found he wanted to do everything and with everyone all at the same time. Arthur had to practically force him to leave his mother in the garden when it was time to leave. When they were in the car, Merlin felt that he wouldn't want to leave this comfortable seat where he could talk with just Arthur. Still as soon as he saw Gwen’s smiling if not a little bit sarcastic face, (they were almost half an hour late after all) he felt that he wasn't here a minute too soon. He hugged Gwen briefly smiling like a sun.

“It’s high time you two arrived. I have some pie for us and it's best when it's still warm." She said smiling herself. She was so pleased to see Merlin act[ng like he was. She was so focused on Merlin that she didn't even notice Arthur’s sour face right behind Merlin. As soon asthey had taken their shoes off, it was already gone.

The pie was excellent and Gwen had ice-cream to serve with it. While they ate, mostly Merlin and Gwen talked about some things that Arthur didn't fully understand because of the lack of context or just because Merlin seemed to comment on stuff that wasn't even said out loud. He would have been getting bored if it had been anyone else than Merlin. Elyan was nowhere to be seen.

"I told him you are coming so hopefully he will show his face at some point…" Gwen told Arthur when he asked about his friend. It was apparent to Merlin that Gwen was worried of his brother, but not nearly as much as she had been in the past, so he didn't comment. Arthur was interested in what Elyan was up to but Gwen just brushed it off by saying"Probably something stupid. You ask him, maybe he will talk to you." Merlin who was sitting next to Gwen patted her shoulder. 

"You would know if he was in trouble. Trust him. I'm sure he wouldn't want to make you worried." Gwen smiled at him a little shyly and Merlin smiled at her. Arthur just looked at them with a puzzled expression.

"I hope I don't interrupt you girls too much with my presence. " He mumbled. Gwen quickly tried to explain their behavior.

"Oh, Arthur, I'm sorry… It's just that we have been talking on the phone so much lately and we have been talking so much about you that I kind of forgot that you don't know what we are talking about. I mean nothing bad of course, but just you know." Arthur raised his eyebrows at that and Merlin wanted to face palm. Awesome.

"You talk about me a lot?" Arthur sounded surprised and pleased? Merlin groaned. This wasn't something he wanted to discuss. "What else is happening in my summer than helping you pass tests or trying not to laugh at you getting fat?" He asked sarcastically concentrating only on his annoyance of how Arthur would develop even bigger head if Merlin made him sound anything like flattering. Gwen sniggered at them and Arthur didn't appreciate of being teased. "I'm not fat!" He said automatically to the first thing that bothered him in Merlin’s statement. After that had been said, he also got annoyed of Merlin’s tone and the fact that Merlin had been telling Gwen stuff he had thought obviously was not for sharing.

Arthur didn't expect Merlin to continue, but he was out of such luck. "Oh, I saw you throw away that belt and you know it." Merlin’s tone was smug and Arthur took the first object that his hand found. It happened to be his spoon. 

Arthur pointed Merlin’s face with the spoon looking straight into his eyes and said in a low, murderous voice "I also remember telling you that it needed no further mentioning." Merlin was looking at the spoon with cross eyes not paying much attention to Arthur’s tone. 

"Are you threatening me with a spoon?" He asked doubtfully and Arthur heard Gwen’s sorry attempt not to burst into laughter.

"I would if I didn't hesitate on making Gwen’s home a site of homicide." Merlin moved just a bit further from Arthur just in case. This of course happened to be closer to Gwen and that didn't exactly help Arthur’s mood. He glared at Merlin, but he knew he was ready to drop it soon. He wasn't really that angry at Merlin. He was more pleased of Merlin’s attention. In reality, he wasn't capable of being annoyed with Merlin like he had been when he had first moved to live with Arthur and his father.

But then Gwen opened her mouth. "Oh, it's not like that's the only thing he has told me. Is it true that you stressed so much about your routine that you snuck out in the middle of the night and accidentally set off your alarm?" Gwen smiled amusedly at him looking like she could start laughing her ass off at any given reason.

Arthur’s murderous look deepened and Merlin had only a second to look sheepish before he had to dodge the spoon Arthur had thrown at his head. Luckily ,he managed to do that, Arthur hadn't thrown it very lightly. "Good thing that you don't have anything of actual importance to keep secret!" Arthur growled at Merlin now more angry than annoyed. He had specifically told Merlin not to speak about that so his father wouldn't find out! Of course, Merlin had been extremely helpful when he had come to open the door for him when it had locked automatically after the alarm went off, but this and that were two separate things!

Merlin looked at Arthur unimpressed. His accusation was rubbing Merlin the wrong way and he felt his ugly side developed this year rise its head. Gwen glanced at Merlin, her previous humor gone. She thought she knew why Merlin was not happy with this misplaced accusation. He was good at keeping secrets. Gwen should know, Merlin hadn't said anything to anyone about her crush on Lance after all.

But still Gwen wasn't expecting Merlin to say anything and not at least with the calm but cold tone he was using. "Oh, I'm full of secrets, you just don't pay enough attention." Merlin knew he was playing a dangerous game where he could blurt out something he really didn't want to, but his emotions were getting the better of him. Arthur didn't seem to catch just how ready to explode Merlin was and he said with an almost whiny tone.

"Merlin, you wouldn't be able keep a secret if your life depended on it!" Merlin felt his irritation grow, but he still was in control "Oh, I'm quite sure I can." he said with a humorless half smile.

Gwen on the other hand realized the mood. She regretted opening her big mouth and she tried her best to pacify the situation, but failed horribly "Let’s calm down, shall we? I believe that Merlin can keep secrets." She tried to take Merlin’s side just enough to make him calm down. He seemed far angrier than Arthur right now even if his tone was smooth.

Arthur gave her a with skeptical look and Merlin frowned at his expression. Gwen tried to think quickly of something to reassure Arthur so she said "He hasn't told my secrets to you has he?" Wrong move. Now Arthur started to look sour.

"So, you are telling everything to Gwen, but nothing to me?" he directed his words to Merlin and the tension could have been cut with a knife. Gwen immediately regretted that too and she mentally kicked herself for being so stupid. She had caused this and she hadn't seen Merlin and Arthur like this in ages. They were really cross with each other.

"Arthur, Merlin, this is not like you. I- I made Merlin promise not to tell you, so Arthur, would you just let it go?" Arthur finally let his eyes avert from Merlin’s. He looked at a clearly distressed Gwen. She was right. He should calm down. He hadn't been like this for a long time now and he didn't like this side of himself very much. When his anger lessened, he realized how much of his emotions were those of jealousy. He had let this all get to him because he was jealous of Merlin being closer to Gwen than him. He felt ashamed of himself and he glanced at Merlin who still looked cold as ice, making Arthur almost flinch physically.

"Ever heard of the word sorry?" Merlin wasn't willing to let this go and he could see that Arthur was. It still irritated Arthur who didn't think twice before replying

"No, is that another word you made up?" Gwen was starting to panic.

"Ok, ok! Arthur, I'll tell you my secret so please… "

Finally, Merlin snapped out of his dark cloud of self- pity and irritation. He looked at Gwen and he regretted making her say that. He knew he had put Gwen into that position and for what? He’d stretched the point of a subject he really didn't want to talk about. Even if he for some mystical reason had wanted to, he couldn't. He looked at Gwen apology clear in his eyes, but Gwen relaxed and just waved her hand with a dismissing way.

"It's alright. I trust Arthur and he's right, it doesn't seem fair that he is left out like this." The tension lessened immediately even though now Gwen was hesitating a bit and Merlin’s feelings were a mess.

Gwen cleared her throat deciding against asking Arthur to promise her first he wouldn't tell anyone. She had just told him she trusted him so she couldn’t wait until she had told him something. "I have a crush on your coach." She stated with a clear voice. Arthur blinked and his mouth fell slightly open.

"Um, on Lance?" He managed to say and Gwen nodded blushing. Arthur glanced at Merlin who looked calm and the last of the doubts that Merlin might have a crush on Gwen were thrown out of the window. He wasn't very good at reading the atmosphere or telling if someone was interested in someone or anything like that, but that was not a face of someone who was friend-zoned against their will. That finally managed to take the sharpest edge of his jealous away and Arthur could make himself entirely focused on Gwen. "It's nothing really. I just like talking to him a bit that’s all." Gwen continued wanting to fill the silence that had fallen to the table.

Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes. He was still grumpy, but calming down.

"Really Gwen? After all you have make me listen, you are letting Arthur get away with a 'I just like talking to him'?" He asked drily. Gwen blushed even more and Arthur couldn't help but grin. Something in the way Gwen and Merlin interacted was just lovely. And now that his jealousy had been lifted, he felt fortunate to be here and witness it.

"Yeah… well, I'm sure Arthur wouldn't be as patient as you have been if I started babbling like an idiot to him too. " Gwen replied to Merlin sounding relieved and gentle. "You will not tell anyone, right?" Gwen turned to look at Arthur shyly and Arthur smiled at her warmly.

"Of course not; it's your business and I don't see anything wrong here." He said nonchalantly. Merlin looked at him turning only his eyes. Gwen was clearly thankful and she smiled at Arthur happily. To Merlin there was something more than just keeping Gwen’s secret though. It was the 'there is nothing wrong'. Merlin knew it wasn't just Gwen. It was also Lance. 'Arthur trusts Lance' Merlin realized. He was not worried. He was not fazed by their age difference and he wasn't going in circles about what could go wrong. That was… nice. Merlin wished he could trust Arthur on this, but even if he couldn't fully, he still felt a bit relieved.

"And if Merlin here can keep that as a secret, I sure as hell can too." Arthur smirked, slapping Merlin’s shoulder with more force than necessary and left his hand on Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin looked at the hand skeptically. The hold on his shoulder was too strong to his liking and he didn't feel comfortable even if Arthur’s hand felt warm. Maybe it was because it felt warm and Gwen was looking at Merlin and Arthur with curious eyes.

"I'm sure we talked about this, turn pretty and you can be as close as you want. Meanwhile, have you considered moving to sit further away from me?" Merlin asked and casually brushed Arthur’s hand off his shoulder. Arthur looked a bit put off and his smile faltered a little. Merlin ignored him. The fact was if Arthur would turn prettier, Merlin would have trouble even staying in the same room with him without blushing.

"Oh yeah, Merlin also told me you hugged him. How uncommon of you Arthur." Gwen blurted out before remembering how bad of an idea that had been minutes ago. But Arthur was just surprised. He looked at Gwen like she had sprouted another head.

"How come everybody seems to remember my hugging habits?" Gwen let out breath she had been holding and looked a bit amused.

"Oh, don't look so surprised! You are captain of the football team, rich, smart and handsome. Half of the school population knows who you are dating, or in your case, are not dating and what are your habits are." Gwen stated. Arthur raised his eyebrows as high as he could and Gwen blushed "It's not me who is saying that, obviously. I have just heard that… Oh for Gods sake Merlin stop that!" She stopped her rambling to snap at Merlin who was rolling his eyes at her from behind Arthur’s back. He was still a bit cranky.

 

"People say that about me?" Arthur asked. He had to make sure. Gwen again concentrated on him and Merlin mumbled something about the size of Arthur’s head. "Yes, of course. They even tell you sometimes, but you never seem to notice. Like when Ellie asked if you wanted to 'help her study' or when Jacqueline tried to ask you if that rumor about you in the old library wing was true." Arthur shook his head in disbelieve and he was more confused than ever. 

"Wha- wait what?! Who is Ellie and we have an old library wing?" He tried to make some sense to this. He heard Merlin snigger next to him. This was not going to be fun, that was for sure. 

"In the spring there was a rumor that you had been seen snogging someone in the old library wing." Gwen explained patiently. "And Ellie, Eleanor, is in our class. Has been for two years." Merlin couldn't take it anymore and he dropped his face to the table and started to laugh. Arthur wished he still had his spoon.

"Why would I want to snog anyone in the library? And if you mean Eleanor, say Eleanor. And I told her that if she wanted someone to help her, she should ask Merlin. He makes half of my notes anyway." Gwen flashed him a 'are you kidding me' look.

"She didn't want to study, obviously, she wanted to be the next one you snog in the library!" Arthur shuddered at the image "I have not snogged- anyway, I definitely wouldn't snog with Eleanor!"

"Why not? She’s pretty, isn’t she?" Gwen shot back.

"Indeed, but she is also obnoxious and boring." Arthur replied with finality in his tone that left no room for argument.

Now it was Gwen’s turn to look surprised. "Arthur, I never knew there were men like you in this world. So, you are saying that you would rather snog with someone with nice personality than someone pretty?" Arthur felt his face heat and he fought the urge to glance at Merlin. He didn't know, honestly. He wasn't comfortable or sure about himself on the matter so he found it extremely embarrassing. 

"I have no time either way. And enough of the girl talk already." He said with an annoyed tone.

Merlin sniggered and Arthur still refused to look at him. "So, I suppose you don't care then with whom you were rumored to snog with?" He asked. Arthur had to finally turn to look at his ridiculous grin. Gwen laughed and Arthur just felt his embarrassment grow.

"You know, don't you?" Arthur asked without really wanting to and Merlin winked at him. Winked! 

"I'm not able to keep secrets remember?" his whole previous irritation were forgotten and the reasons behind it buried by now. Arthur already opened his mouth to ask, but then the word 'library' pulled something from his memory. He remembered Merlin and him playing football in the garden last spring and he had said something or other about Merlin’s lack of skill. Merlin had shot back something that hadn't made any sense back then. 'How about your skills with the librarian?'

Arthur’s words stuck to his throat and he could only watch Merlin laugh at his face and Gwen giggling into her hands. ‘ Find anything interesting from the library?, Oh, you tell me!' Another exchange of words with Merlin that slowly started to make more sense from last spring. Arthur felt himself get paler.

"Don't tell me the librarian…?" He said with a dry mouth. Merlin had to clench his stomach and even Gwen got hysterical at this point. 

Arthur failed to see the humor. How was he ever supposed to go to the library now? And what was wrong with people?! The librarian was like- like 40! Arthur rarely visited the library anyway (it closed the same time his practices ended) so where had this even started? He really didn't want to know what Merlin or Gwen thought about him if this was funny to them. Let alone what the people in school thought about him and there was only one week left of holidays. 

"Isn't she like thousand years old? Why me…?"To his surprise, Merlin stopped laughing and looked at him puzzled.

"Not her. The young blond trainee who was in our school for the whole last year. " Gwen snorted. Arthur felt so confused that he forgot to feel ashamed for a moment. Merlin would have commented on how he didn't want to know anything about Arthur’s preferences if the middle- aged librarian was the first one he thought of.

Arthur’s face was so confused that he instead went with "Tell me you have at least visited the library last year?" he said with an exasperated voice. 

Arthur saw a way out of the current topic and he took it. "You are practically a moving library into the same house I live in, so why fetch the stick if you have a dog?" He asked with straight face. Merlin didn't even bat an eyelash, but Arthur felt a need to clarify "No offence, Merlin".

"None taken." Merlin said with surprisingly calm voice and Arthur breathed easier.

Gwen looked a bit disapproving, but didn't comment when Merlin didn't seem offended. She settled just saying "So, next time someone asks me if the rumors were true, I can just tell them that Arthur doesn't even know that there is an old wing in the library because he uses Merlin to make his notes." Arthur wrinkled his nose and Merlin grinned.

"He doesn't write my notes, I just read his! And besides he practically force fed them to me at breakfast! You should have seen him before my driver’s test. I couldn't even go to a bloody bathroom without demonstrating how to properly leave a traffic circle!" Arthur spoke a bit louder and faster than necessary.

After that they moved to much easier topics like the next school year and what they wanted to do in the future Gwen wanted to do something that mattered, maybe research or an international association like Amnesty or something along those lines. Arthur hesitantly said that he at least could work with his father and Merlin had no idea. He hadn't thought of his life after he turned 18. It was like it didn't really exist. At that time he would have so many other decisions to make that a career felt like an insignificant thing to him.

Later Gwen made them help her make some pizza. While the dough was rising, they walked to a nearby supermarket and bought everything they wanted to put on top of the pizza and rented a movie to watch. They had generally good time, but at some point, Merlin’s social energy became reached its limit. He blamed it partly on the semi fight he and Arthur had gotten themselves into and the theme of the conversation surrounding it. He was keen to hear more about Arthur’s tastes, but it did him no good. Hearing that he thought a girl in their class was pretty felt like stab to Merlin’s heart. Hearing that Arthur didn't like them or hadn't noticed the 'library beauty' that had been a talk of the month when the among boys merely created false hope in Merlin’s mind. He banished them and that hurt too. Luckily the movie was interesting so he didn't have to pretend to be anything. He could just stare blankly at the screen. He missed half of the movie, but he hoped that just agreeing to Gwen’s and Arthur’s comments hid that.

It was already late when Elyan crawled home and he didn't stay for long. He just took some of the pizza they had made, changed his clothes and was off again promising Gwen that he would take some food for their dad too. "I'll drive him home. We'll be back around midnight." He said. He seemed exhausted and Gwen didn't have heart to nag at him.

After Elyan left, she said that Elyan helped their dad sometimes. Elyan had to drive him some nights because he worked so late that there was no transportation anymore. "Dad could just take Elyan’s car, but Elyan has insisted that he needs it more. He’d rather drive him than give him the car. So far he’s kept his promise." Merlin knew that there was something going on, that Gwen also knew. She looked at Merlin pleadingly "Could you ask him what's going on?" Merlin chewed his lip.

"Are you sure? Arthur knows him way better." Gwen just shook her head sadly. 

"Yes, but for some reason he talks to you." Merlin promised to ask, but he didn't guarantee that he would get an answer. That was enough for Gwen.

They all decided to sleep in Gwen’s room now that Elyan wasn't home. They moved the mattresses to Gwen’s room. Now that Elyan wasn't in the mix, the door could open without trouble. Arthur went to change into Elyan’s room, but Merlin felt it too mentally straining to even think of changing with Arthur so he just walked to the bathroom. He had locked the door without saying anything.

He felt like he could breathe in the bathroom. He changed as slowly as he could while thinking. He felt that really should get the hang of his moods. He had been irritated over so many things lately and it was uncalled for. In so many ways, his life was good and he should appreciate this more. He couldn't take his friends or Arthur or his mother for granted. He didn't really deserve any of it. He had nothing to get mad about and especially not with them. He had even demanded Arthur apologize without giving an apology himself.

After he had changed, Merlin continued taking time to just slowly breath in and out twice. Finally, he could face them again. It was still night. Merlin dreaded tomorrow, because tomorrow he would have to go back to that house, but for now, he could still enjoy today. Arthur was already sitting on the mattress closer to the wall leaving the mattress in between Arthur’s mattress and Gwen’s bed free just like the last time they slept over. It was nice. Merlin just feared a bit that the same thing that had happened last time would repeat itself. He settled himself under his blanket and turned the sides of the blanket under his legs so he wouldn't steal Arthur blanket again. He would do the same with his upper body later.  
"What's that on your neck?" Gwen asked making Merlin snap his head up. He had bent down while adjusting his blanket.

"Nothing." Merlin mumbled, not very convincingly. Arthur also leaned in to see better and Merlin automatically leaned away from him even if he knew that he would do better if he started to come up with an excuse rather than hide the scratch.

"It's just a scratch… " He started when also Gwen leaned towards him making Merlin feel claustrophobic. He wished he had checked how it looked in the bathroom. He wished it didn't look like a hickey."

It looks bad… what happened?" Gwen said sounding like it was some sort of a big deal. Arthur nodded and Merlin looked back and forth in between them. They looked so serious. Merlin was suddenly so happy that neither of them had seen the wound he had cut on his thigh. 

"I um, have dry skin sometimes. it's like a bad habit." He lied and held his breath.

“You shouldn’t do that.” Gwen said. “It could scar. Sit tight. I have some lotion for that.” Gwen rose from her bed and rummaged through her desk drawer. Merlin was very close to commenting how scars were the least of his concerns, but he held his tongue. He looked to Arthur to get some support to this supposedly girly obsession of smooth skin, but Arthur looked like he agreed with Gwen. Merlin had to look away.

When Arthur entered Elyan’s room, he’d expected Merlin to follow him, but when he turned around to say something to Merlin, he had saw the bathroom door close and he was alone. It was kind of a relief really, but he was just the tiniest bit annoyed that Merlin was being so guarded of his personal space. It was nothing unusual and in the past Arthur had hardly noticed it, but now it felt like Merlin didn't trust him at all. Had it been the hug? Had he really made a mistake there and now Merlin would never get closer than arm's length of Arthur?

He sighed and changed as fast as he could. It was simply painful for the lack of better word. He wanted to be closer to Merlin. Not just physically, but mentally. This was so new to Arthur. Shaking his head, he waited in front of Gwen’s door for her to change and open the up. He had to concentrate again.

Gwen looked a bit surprised too when Arthur told her that Merlin went to change in the bathroom. "Is that normal?" She asked curiously and Arthur had to answer yes.

"He does that in gym too. I'm quite sure that I haven't seen even his wrists more than twice." he managed to sound like he didn't are and Gwen settled for that. They made some small talk and Arthur had to admit that Gwen looked nice in her cream- colored pajamas with small flower print in it. He briefly wondered how Gwen’s father was so trusting towards the two of them that he dared to leave Gwen alone with them for the night, but he was thankful for it none the less. It wasn't like he or Merlin were any kind of threat. It was so much more fun to have the house to themselves.

When Merlin finally came back from the bathroom, he seemed a bit quiet and he concentrated more on his blanket than their conversation. Arthur let him be, but when Gwen pointed out the red markings on Merlin’s neck, Arthur felt a small hurt again. He didn't like what he saw. Merlin’s neck had a red area with a bit of crusting here and there. It started from the nape on his neck and it continued to under Merlin’s collar. Arthur wanted to touch it. When Gwen mentioned the lotion, Arthur wanted to put some on Merlin and stroke his neck gently and make the bruise go away.

"Really, it's ok. It's not so dry right now." Merlin didn't seem too keen on using the lotion, but Gwen was having none of it and she popped the cap open. Arthur was sure he saw Merlin flinch away from the tube even if it seemed a bit like over reacting to Arthur. It was just some lotion… "I- it's not easy to reach it, so I’m sure I missed the spot.” Merlin said when Gwen told him that he should do something now and it would prevent the itch later.

"I can put it on." Arthur offered. There was something that flashed in Merlin’s eyes then. It wasn't pleasant and it made Arthur feel hurt again. Was he really that unreliable to Merlin? Did he know how he had a crush on him, but just didn't say anything in order of not to hurt Arthur’s feelings? That would explain how much Merlin dreaded his touch. But how could he know? It wasn't like Arthur had been aware of his crush for long himself and Merlin had been spending time with him even after that.

"Alright, alright, give me that." Merlin had finally cracked to Gwen’s reasoning (nagging). He took some lotion in his hand and scrubbed it haphazardly to his neck. "Happy?" He asked sounding a bit annoyed. Arthur looked at the uneven result with white stripes of lotion here and there. He sighed.

"No. Is there anything you are actually capable of doing?" He asked and Merlin looked at him blankly. "Putting up with you…" He said making Gwen snigger.

Arthur just sighed again and took a hold of Merlin’s shoulders and turned him around so his back was facing Arthur. Merlin made a sound of protest, but Arthur just silenced him by saying "Shut up Merlin." And he started to rub in the lotion with one hand and hold Merlin’s shoulder keeping him still with another. Eventally Merlin’s shoulders relaxed and he dropped his gaze making it easier for Arthur to rub in the lotion. The lotion was very oily and it took a while to get it absorbed. Arthur didn't mind. Merlin’s skin was indeed a bit dry and the scratch was quite bad. Arthur wondered how much it would itch if one did this to themselves. The crust suggested there had been at least a bit blood. It must have hurt.

Merlin felt upset when Arthur turned him around. His private space had been violated so many times that he couldn't even count. It still felt as bad every time. Gradually, he relaxed in the surroundings and how different Arthur’s touch was compared to Uther’s. Arthur’s hands felt softer and gentler. The touch wasn't sexual at all. It felt nice as Merlin relaxed. With every minute of Gwen’s soft voice talking about how Merlin should start using lotion regularly and every soft circle Arthur made with his fingers, Merlin felt more and more tired. 

When Arthur’s hands disappeared, Merlin’s skin felt cold. He didn't want to raise his head. He just wanted to go to sleep. While Merlin had wanted to stay awake as late as possible, he hardly participated in the conversation and soon they decided to go to sleep. It wasn't even eleven, but Merlin felt so tired, just so tired when he closed his eyes after collecting the blanket under his sides. He himself as far from Arthur as possible and turning his back to him. Sleep took him soon after that.

The morning came too quickly and Merlin felt the moment he opened his eyes that he didn't want it to be today yet. Fortunately, it was still quite early and Gwen’s breakfast after sound sleep and still some time left to stay, made Merlin content. He had his emotions under control. It was nice change to feel like he was his normal self for once.

Elyan woke up to the smell of breakfast and their father too. Merlin got a chance to speak with Gwen’s father this time and he found that he liked him quite a bit. He was calm and his voice was surprisingly soft and even if he was robust. He didn't make any quick movements and the love he showed to his children made Merlin like him. He regretted how he had been wary of him the last time he had seen him. Elyan was tired went back to bed after breakfast, but made Arthur promise to show him his car before leaving and let him try driving it.

Once Merlin was again sitting in Arthur’s car seat on their way home, Merlin felt more balanced than he had thought. He felt a bit normal and he felt a bit purer somehow. Arthur had been sleeping right next to him. He had touched Merlin’s neck and they had sat next to each other at breakfast too. Merlin hadn't done anything weird or even felt a need to do anything weird. Somehow that made him feel better going home again. He’d felt that Uther could somehow sense if he had been thinking or doing something dirty and he was punished because of it. Now there was no need. Arthur seemed to be in a good mood too. He’d proudly kept saying how thrilled Elyan had been over his car. Merlin laughed with him. He was happy that Arthur wasn't angry with him because of their fight yesterday. He regretted it now.

Uther wasn't home until dinner time arrived. Until then Merlin felt the house wasn’t such a cold and threatening place. The dinner went well even if Merlin was apprehensive of what Arthur would say about their visit. Arthur kept himself vague and brief. He had, after all, made a cover story of them helping when Gwen’s father was sick. Merlin wasn't even sure why really, but he did recognize that spending a night without parents or even big brother present would have been a suicide with Uther. He settled on nodding now and then and commenting about what they had eaten while Arthur told half lies when his father asked something. Merlin missed those times when he had just yelled from outside to his mother that he would be spending the night over Will’s house and his mother would just yell back not to stay up too late, which they of course had ignored.

Arthur dragged Merlin to the garden after dinner. When Merlin had finally gotten to his own room, he made an exception and took a shower. He was muddy and sweaty and he hadn't had shower last night. That proved to be a mistake when Uther opened his door just when Merlin had been gathering his blanket from the bed. He dropped the blanket back and he froze. He should have expected this. It was like the last time he had been a night away. This was one of Uther’s patterns. He would come before and after, just like Merlin feared. Merlin whimpered. He didn't want this. He couldn't do it anymore. School would start again and he just… he couldn't imagine another year like the last one had been. He had gotten so much better in last few weeks and he was near his old weight again. He just… no!

"Please! Not anymore, please…" Merlin felt tears roll from his eyes as he pleaded. Uther seemed to falter a bit and that gave Merlin just a tiny bit more room to try and say what he really felt. "I can't anymore. I- I don't want it. It hurts and I- I just, please let me just be! I promise I'll be good, I won't do anything- anything like that I won't, so please…" He was sobbing in the end and he had to wipe some of his tears away as his vision blurred.

Uther just walked to Merlin and took hold of his wrist and shook him making Merlin whimper and try to cover himself with his hands. Uther pried his hands off his face and bought his face close to Merlin’s. Merlin could feel his hard breathing on his face and he whimpered, he was so scared and powerless against Uther’s rage. 

"I know your kind. You never change. How could I trust you? Huh? I'm away most of the summer and the first thing I see at my son’s birthday party is you, checking out his friends! No doubt ogling at them, wishing they would notice you and make you suck their dick." Merlin felt shame wash down everything inside of him, but still he kept trying.

"I didn't! I promise! I promise I won't watch anyone like- like that. I-" 

"Silence!" Uther hissed through his teeth and Merlin stopped in the middle of his sentence. He tried to blink some of his new tears from his eyes when his vision blurred once again.

"What a sorry sight you are… Crying like this for attention. Making your mother sad. I bet you didn't want to go to swim with her just because you didn't want her to see your hard on for the other men in the pool." Merlin tried to look away from Uther’s face or shook his head to deny, but Uther let go of his other wrist and took a hold of Merlin’s jaw instead. "You are a faggot and you are not going to change." With that Uther pushed Merlin backwards to his bed and pushed his pajama shirt up.

Soon Merlin felt his tongue on his nipples and he let out a yelp. "I don't want this…" he whimpered, but Uther paid no mind to him. He just continued trailing lover with wet tongue. Merlin shivered with disgust and he tried to struggle, but for that he felt Uther bite his nipple and it hurt. Badly. Merlin’s breath was short and ragged and Uther pushed him by his neck further to the bed so Merlin’s head was hanging partly outside of the bed and the blanket that he had already taken out of the bed was now in one pile under his back. Merlin’s legs were still hanging out of the bed on his desks side so his body made a kind of a very uncomfortable bridge and Uther had good access to his middle body.

Merlin felt the gravity pile blood to his head and with Uther’s hand on his neck, even if it was just loosely there, it was hard to breath. Uther rubbed himself on Merlin and Merlin felt his head spin. God, he hated this so much. It all felt too adult and too dirty and there was too much pain. The panting and smells and sweat and Uther’s hand on his neck burned his very soul. Merlin felt Uther tug his pajama pants down along with his boxers down to to his ankles making Merlin feel even more restricted. Uther’s body was gone for a moment and then Merlin felt him against his bare skin rubbing his bare erection on Merlin’s thigh.

Merlin’s back was starting to ache, but he tried to stretch his head even further away from Uther, his neck further away from Uther’s hand and hide his face from sight even if just a little. He still felt his tears fall and now they were falling on his forehead. He closed his eyes when Uther lifted his legs up to the bed and yelped when he pushed him further. Merlin felt like he was falling out of the bed. Uther’s hands came to take a strong hold of his waist so Merlin didn't fall, but his head was now hanging halfway to the floor. It was highly uncomfortable. Not was only too much blood in his head making Merlin’s head hurt and his ears hum in rhythm of his pulse, but he couldn't stabilize himself in any way. He couldn't reach the floor and the only thing other than Uther on the bed he could reach was his blanket and it didn't help at all.

He tried to squirmed and tried to fall out of the bed to get away from Uther, but Uther just squeezed him harder until it hurt. "You are hurting me…" Merlin still tried to make Uther see how he felt, but to his horror, Uther just laughed at him; humorless, cold, sarcastic laughter.

"But you enjoy it, don't you? Such a naughty little whore you are." To underline his point, Uther took a hold of Merlin’s now erected staff and pumped it up and down. Merlin felt cold ice run down his spine. He couldn't say anything to that. 'Why? Why am I like this….?' He didn't understand… he was uncomfortable and disgusted and restrained and scared. Why was his body reacting this way?

"You see why I have hard time believing you….I'm doing you a favor. You should be thanking me." Uther continued and popped the cap of the lube open. Merlin whimpered.

"I don't like it… please stop…." But his reason screamed that this was all in vain and then he felt Uther’s grip getting harder again in a way that told Merlin that he had gone too far. Now Uther was truly mad. 

"Listen you faggot, I have been patient with you, and this is what I get? You whiny slut, I'll give you something to whine about." He hissed and flipped Merlin around.  
He didn't prepare Merlin in any way. He just squeezed some of the lube on Merlin’s ass, he hardly even took time to run his own erection with the lube before thrusting himself in. Merlin was so scared now. He bit the edge of his bed in order of not to cry out of the pain, but it didn't help much. He still made a loud sound even if it was muffled by the fabric in his mouth. Uther slammed into him hard and Merlin couldn't control himself, he pleaded and cried and pleaded some more for Uther to stop and to not hurt him. He wanted to make Uther understand desperately, but it just made Uther more angry.

Suddenly Uther pulled out and he took a hold of Merlin’s hair and he pulled Merlin out of the bed and on his knees. "Suck it." He commanded and thrusted his slimy penis on Merlin’s face. It smelled horrible and the knowledge of where it had been was enough to make Merlin gag. 

"Do it. Use that pathetic mouth for something useful." Uther told him angrily and shook Merlin by his hair. Merlin shook his head and Uther took hold of his jaw and squeezed it open from the sides. Merlin still struggled and his jaw was so tight that there was no way that anything was going in without breaking something. 

Uther bend down to whisper in Merlin’s ear "Keep resisting and I might not remember to keep you secret safe. " His grip lessened on Merlin’s face and Merlin bend his head down in defeat. He knew that he couldn't fight that and he knew that Uther knew. There were bitter tears in his eyes, but he willed his mind to push the present out of his mind and his muscles relaxed enough for Uther to pry his jaw open. Nothing was more important than keeping this secret.

The taste was horrible and the sliminess from the lube was sickening. Merlin couldn't think about that. It was just too much. Merlin gagged and tried to spit in a reflex like manner while trying to concentrate on anything else in the world but failing miserably. Uther moved Merlin’s head by his hair few times before giving up and pushing Merlin off him. Merlin spit and gagged and his stomach cramped, but Uther gave him no time to recover. Maybe that was for the better. If he had left Merlin even a little bit more time he would have surely thrown up.

Uther pulled Merlin’s face to look at him and he took hold of Merlin’s neck. "Stop this nonsense, faggot. Clean your own filth." and he pushed Merlin back to his crotch. Merlin was shaking all over now and his lower lip was trembling. The tight hold on his neck was slowly becoming the most alarming thing in the present. Merlin slowly nodded, closed his eyes and fought to his reflexes as much as he could until Uther thrust himself into his mouth and came.

"Swallow it all." Uther whispered in Merlin’s ear and Merlin tried, he did, but his head was spinning and he gagged at the same time and he finally threw up. Uther let go of Merlin and took a hasty step back looking at Merlin in disgust while he trembled on all fours his stomach giving up everything it could. When Merlin couldn't vomit anymore, he just stared at the mess not having enough courage to look at Uther. But he still needed to try "I can't do this… please, I get sick I- " he panted in between his ragged breathing.

"Clean up your mess." Uther just said and turned to leave. Merlin didn't look up. He heard the door open and close and he was alone. He knew right then that Uther didn't care about him or his feelings at all. Not in any way. It didn't matter to him how Merlin felt or if he was hurt or sick or not. He hated Merlin. He hated the faggot he was and that was enough. It didn't matter that Merlin felt. He could do nothing to change that. It didn't matter to him that Merlin never would get a boyfriend let another human being touch him more than necessary. It didn't matter if Merlin was happy or not with his life. He was homosexual and he needed to be punished for it.

Merlin had no tears left. He had cried too much already, but the feeling didn't go away. His eyes burned and his throat ached and his ass stung. He knew he had to move soon, but he just couldn't make himself to do that just yet.

Eventually he remembered that the door was again open and he stood up with shaky legs just to lock it again. It was late; no-one would come to check his door tonight. He would clean the floor and he would shower and then he would open the door again. There was not much choice for cleaning supplies in his room so eventually Merlin took one of his shirts from the laundry basket and used it, rinsing it once in a while in the sink. He worked slowly and naked not bothering to dress now that the door was locked. He wondered why hadn't he locked it before?

Finally, most of the vomit was gone, but the smell lingered, so Merlin opened his window as much as possible. The summer night air was warm, but to Merlin’s sweaty and sticky skin it felt cold, so he headed for the shower. He didn't bother to close the bathroom door and just sat on the floor. He had been able to push most of his thoughts out while cleaning but now all he could see were flashes of this night. He had tried to tell Uther how he felt. It was a mistake. Uther didn't care how he felt. 'does it even matter?' he thought. He’d made Merlin suck his dick after he had entered Merlin.

Merlin shuddered. Was that even safe? It was so dirty and even the lube, Merlin wasn't sure if it was meant for using orally. He gagged again when a new visual popped to his head and he had to concentrate for a while not to throw up again. It wasn't like there was anything to throw up anymore. He knew he would just dry heave some green.sh slime even after everything else was gone. That always tasted the worst. 'It matters to me.' Merlin mind decided to answer to his own question. Does it even matter? It matters to me.

Yes, it didn't mean much for Merlin for he felt himself dirty and guilty for so many things, but it did matter. He didn't want this kind of life and that was the truth. Even if his body was so sick that it got hard on Uther’s touch, something in him was still resisting it and Merlin clung to that feeling. His eyes found the scar he had made himself and without more wondering, Merlin stood up and went to take his knife out again. He didn't want to make more scars for anyone to see, so he placed the blade right on the edge of the scar and pressed slowly this time. Slowly and in the corner of the shower so he wouldn't make the same kind of mess than last time.

The pain was so different from the one Uther caused him. It was cool and it filled his mind for just a second before he pulled the blade off and the pain started to dull. When the pain was dulling, Merlin felt a short high. The bathroom light was a bit sharper and the world more focused. He watched the blood slowly run from his wound. It was not even half of the size of the last one and he knew he would be happy about that tomorrow. He didn't feel faint like last time. He had much more weight on him now and he was more prepared; he was already sitting on the floor. However, he knew that this was stupid, that he shouldn't be doing this. He hoped that tomorrow would teach him not to do it again for a long time or maybe ever. He didn't want this to become a habit, somebody would surely notice at some point and he had no way to explain himself. He thought of his mother and he felt sad.

It was almost three o'clock in the night when Merlin finally got to sleep. He had made sure that there was no blood or vomit to be seen and he had dressed his wound with a simple bandage. That was all he had left. On his couch, he hugged one of the couch pillows, the one Arthur had thrown at his face once, probably. He could still imagine the warmth on the pillow and he just let himself enjoy that. Hugging a pillow Arthur had (maybe) touched felt harmless right now.

In the morning, Merlin woke up to a sound of knocking. He was dead tired and he didn't want to get up so he just turned to another side and let it be. He didn't even remember that he should care that he was sleeping on his couch. Then his phone rang. It was probably Will, trying to get back at him for waking him up deliberately few times. He ignored it too. Eventually the ringing stopped, but then it started again and the knocking on his door too started again. Merlin groaned and took his phone which was closer. It was Arthur.

Suddenly Merlin was wide awake. Why the hell would Arthur call him? He picked up nonetheless "Um, hel-" He stated awkwardly, but was interrupted by Arthur hissing "Open your damn door right now before father comes up!" Merlin felt all blood drain from his face. The door... he had forgotten to open the door! 

He stumbled up, threw his blanket to his bed haphazardly and half run, half jumped with one foot to the door and opened it quickly. Arthur ended the call and sighed in relief before fixing Merlin an annoyed glare. "Breakfast was one hour a go." And he left. Merlin rested his forehead on the door frame. How lucky that it had been Arthur.

After calming down a little and dressing himself, Merlin somehow managed to make himself go downstairs. When he saw no-one downstairs, he quickly took out a plate and smeared it with some yogurt so it would seem that he had eaten and placed the plate in the sink. He didn't feel like eating at all. Everything seemed to smell too strong. It was final week of the holiday and Merlin knew that the start of the school would bring him new routines to learn if he wanted to stay sane this year too.

He saw Arthur warming up in the garden, no doubt making new routines himself to make the best out of his team for this year too, Merlin made his mind. He would do it. He would bite his lip and take everything he deserved and after he turned 18, he would never come to this house again. He would get best grades on everything so he could go anywhere. Anywhere far enough, where Uther couldn't reach him. Or close enough so he could still look at Arthur like this. From behind a glass window, but without touching or getting too close.

Arthur raised his gaze just in time to see Merlin looking at him and he waved Merlin to join him. Merlin smiled a little. Arthur wasn't mad at him then. He stepped through the door and prepared himself to have at least dozen footballs kicked to his face, but he didn't mind. This was just fine. He wished he could have this as long as he lived.


	13. Back to school

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CONNI4, again, thank you for your time and effort for my story!

As expected the night before school started again, there was a discussion about the transportation. Merlin had not much to say about the matter, but he was relieved when Arthur volunteered to take him to school. Merlin suggested he could wait for Arthur in the library and do his homework with Gwen, but Uther told him that 'it was no trouble for him to pick Merlin up. He was driving by anyway. “Bullshit.” Merlin thought. He knew he’d made a mistake  mentioning Gwen. He would regret that slip many times during the year.

The rest of the discussion didn't interest Merlin at all. Uther would drive his mother thus they would leave before Arthur and him.

That night Uther came to Merlin’s room for the first time after Merlin had thrown up on his feet and made Merlin suck him off. He reminded Merlin to concentrate on his studies and behave. He never mentioned Merlin’s pleas or his vomiting. Merlin threw up quite a lot after that.

The first day of school was mostly like any other day for Merlin. He just had to wake up earlier and eat his breakfast with Arthur. He only really felt that he was going to go to school when Arthur left him standing alone next to their classroom disappeared to greet his teammates. Merlin spent about ten minutes just staring the almost empty hallway before Gwen arrived. Arthur had wanted to play safe because this was the first time he had driven to the school. Merlin didn't mind, he could spend his time either staring at empty hallway or his empty room. It was all the same to him.

After two hours, Merlin could tell that this year was going to be dull. They had a new English teacher who was so excited about her own subject that Merlin wasn't even sure if she remembered that she had pupils. PE was again going to be the last two hours of Monday. Those were the two things that held the most interest for him. Merlin already regretted that he had read some of this year’s books last year. Even with every teacher telling them how this year was going to be more challenging than the last, Merlin knew it wasn't going to be enough to keep him occupied or interested. 'My life is so boring.' Merlin thought when yet another teacher started to tell what they were supposed to learn this year.

Arthur wasn't as worried as he could have been when the third teacher started to pile up projects and essays that they were supposed to manage to do this autumn. He glanced at Merlin’s direction and he saw his friend looking like he was trying to turn liquid. If Merlin was bored, that meant he would make the best notes and could answer everything Arthur could think of asking him. Of course, if this summer had taught Arthur anything at all, it was that a bored Merlin was a cranky Merlin and that wasn't as fun as it should have sounded. 

'Well, at least he gets out of the house five times a week and he has other friends than Gwen here, right?' Arthur had to really think, but in the end, he couldn't remember if Merlin had talked about anyone else. Arthur knew that some of his team liked Merlin, he didn't seem willing to talk to them much. Like this morning, Arthur had asked if Merlin wanted to come with him to find Oliver (his car had been in the parking lot) but Merlin had just told him he would rather wait for Gwen.

Arthur frowned a bit when their teacher told them about yet another group work and he scribbled the details to his notebook. His mind was still on Merlin who also seemed to write something down before again dropping his head on the desk. Arthur cursed that he couldn't do much to help Merlin be not so bored. He would be at school until five every day. He still had to get excellent grades and even if he now had his own car, he would consider himself lucky if he could lie himself out of the house once a week. 'My life is so packed.' Arthur thought as he fished his new textbook from his bag.

After a few weeks, Merlin started to find his school self again. At first, vomiting again on regular basis had sucked a lot out of Merlin. Uther like to show where he belonged by coming into his mouth which didn’t agree with his stomach or psyche. Merlin didn't care where the problem was. The result was him puking his guts out on a regular basis.

Merlin’s mother was home so he figured that blow jobs were safer option in Uther’s opinion. 'Jolly good.' was Merlin’s sarcastic thought to that. Merlin was losing weight again and it was more painful that Merlin remembered it had been last year. Some days he would wake up and think, 'how did I do this last year?'. But every day he still managed to get up and by the time he was sitting in Arthur’s car, he would look normal and act like he was just not a morning person and/or that he just really didn't need breakfast.

When he found his school self, Merlin realized that he was capable of liking and getting excited of things again. At home, it was still hard and he mostly just studied to keep himself occupied and to have an excuse not to do anything else with anybody. He also used a lot of time to make his notes so Arthur could borrow them whenever he wanted. Still his moods varied greatly. Somedays his good mood seemed to overflow in school and some days he was too tired to care about anything. Gwen even joked about it sometimes. Merlin made sure, if he caught her looking at him strangely when he was not in a good mood, to exaggerate so it was seen more as a joke or an attitude than anything else.

Once, when he was lying across his desk in Math class, Vivan, oh so politely helpful as always, had commented that Merlin was like Marvin from the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. This was so much of a surprise to Merlin that he forgot to be insulted. He never would have pegged Vivian for a reader.

After that, they had actually had something to say to each other.  Merlin had managed to arrange some book swaps between them. Vivian had flicked her hair when he’d asked and looked displeased at first (common expression on her face) but then to Merlin’s surprise she had replied "that sounds good, just please tell me you don't write your name on your books" Merlin had no idea why she was asking, but he told her that no, he didn't write his name on his books and she had looked… almost pleased. 

"My father would go crazy if he found out that I have this kind of arrangement with a boy, so I'll just tell him that the books are from Gwen. And don't worry, I know you are safe." She had said and flicked her hair once more before telling Merlin which kind of books to bring to her and walking off to somewhere.

"Oh, you don't mind Gwen that I use you to lie to my family? Oh, of course not, go ahead. Oh, you are the dearest Gwen, a real treasure!” Gwen said, mimicking Vivian’s 'I'm- more- important- than- thou- voice' to the fine art. “Would it really hurt her so much to acknowledge I’m standing right her?” She didn't like how Vivian had ignored her the whole conversation.

The teachers didn't care much about Merlin’s moods. He had excellent records and while some of the teachers had gotten annoyed at first with Merlin’s selective lack of backbone, they had just made Merlin answer some difficult question and when Merlin answered correctly every time, they had given up. If he listened enough to know answers to every question, it was enough for them.

Arthur had tried to get Merlin out of the house. That was obvious to Merlin. He appreciated it, of course, but some days it was just too much. He wanted to be close to Arthur. Every glimpse of his life that Merlin didn't see, felt like a lost glimpse. Still, he couldn't find strength to it at times. Besides, Merlin was quite aware that if he seemed too eager to go to see Arthur’s friends, he risked to be found out. Even if Arthur seemed clueless of what happened around him in context of love and crushes, his friends might not be. Merlin feared them almost as much as Uther.

In fact, Merlin was gradually closing himself off from most of people. Some of his classmates had teased and even bullied him for being so lanky or spending so much time with just girls and most of all, changing for gym in the bathroom. That was not something Merlin could do, or say anything about. He was changing in bathroom and nowhere else and while it hurt him to hear how his classmates (and the boys from another class, they had joined PE) comment and guess his reasons (everything from a third nipple to hickeys to being an alien) he didn't say much. He couldn't. And while it felt like he was doing nothing and thus allowing it, eventually the teasing stopped.

Merlin guessed that he had been too boring to be teased and he was happy with that. Still, he preferred to ignore everybody else than Arthur, Gwen, Elyan, Lance and maybe Vivian on the days she wasn't being too rude and the days they swapped books. 

Surprisingly, Vivian had learned quite quickly that Merlin’s attention needed some level of niceness. The books she loaned to Merlin turned out to be quite interesting and somewhat different than Merlin would have thought they’d be. On good days Vivian, would comment on the books Merlin was loaning to her with an approving tone. It was nice.

Lance... well, Merlin mainly observed Lance. He didn't talk to him apart from the necessary teacher-student things, but he kept an eye on him and Gwen every chance he could. With the ghost of the taste of Uther in his mouth, Merlin just couldn't bring himself to lower all of his defenses. He tried to keep in mind that Lance hadn't done anything wrong. Arthur’s calmness on the topic and the fact that he himself liked Lance helped. Still he felt alarmed every time he saw Lance even look in Gwen’s direction. Some days Merlin wished he could just hang out with Lance a bit to get to know him better and finally lower his defenses. That had happened with Gwen’s father. But that was not an option so he was stuck.

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It had been almost one month since Merlin and Arthur had spent a night in Gwen’s home when Merlin happened to stumble to Elyan in hallway at school. He suddenly remembered what he had promised to Gwen, so he made effort to talk with Elyan longer than normally. Elyan didn't seem to mind. Merlin could tell they got along well and he was happy for it. He needed friends and Elyan was a good choice in Merlin’s opinion.

"So where were you all the nights last summer?" Merlin managed to slip into their chit chat. Elyan left his jaw hang for a moment, but he recovered quickly.

"Actually, you’re the first to ask me that, Mate." He said looking almost flattered. Merlin wasn't impressed.

"I'm sure I'm not. How about Gwen?" Elyan rolled his eyes.

"Little sisters don't count. You are the first  _ friend _ who has asked me that." he said grinning. Merlin had blinked at him confused. "Oh come on Merlin, you are a good guy and a friend. Don't look like that just hit you." Elyan had said with light tone and patted Merlin on the back, hard.

For once Merlin hadn't minded. He felt warm and happy that Elyan too thought of him as a friend. "But anyway, this is a secret alright? I have been doing some night shifts at this restaurant to save money. I can't tell you for what though." Elyan looked a bit embarrassed and Merlin gave him an unimpressed look.

"It's for Gwen isn't it?" He said with a flat voice and Elyan blushed furiously.

"Damn it Merlin! Can't you at least guess that I have a girlfriend or something?!" Merlin laughed at his flushed state.

"You couldn't get a girlfriend if your life depended on it." He didn't mean it and when Elyan gave him a grumpy look in response, Merlin had to get a bit more serious. "I was just kidding, I just know the look you have on your face when you don't want Gwen to know you don't think she's like Arthur." Elyan gave Merlin a questioning look. "Annoying prat." Merlin replied to his unsaid question.

Elyan chuckled, but got more serious after that. "It's just… She just turned 16… and I want to get her something, she has been… you know, like a mother in our family after… anyway, and she is the youngest so…" Merlin knew what he meant and he could guess Elyan didn't want to talk about his mother’s passing, so he just nodded.

"What are you going to get her?" He sked.

 Elyan looked relieved that he didn't have to explain anything "I was thinking of a laptop. She would need one and she could actually be the one to make something of herself in our family, you know? And I wanted to do something like a birthday party too. It's getting late. I know, but I still don't have enough money for the laptop. Now that Arthur doesn't pay half of my gas anymore I need some income." Elyan glanced at Merlin "You know my sister the best. What do you think?"

Merlin was a bit surprised that Elyan asked him, but there was no doubt in his mind when he replied to Elyan "I think it sounds great! She will appreciate that you actually thought of her rather than just some girl. You could throw in something small that lets her think that you actually have eyes and realize that she is a girl and beautiful.  Maybe nail-polish or a cute notebook."

Elyan looked at him in wonder. "You really know what my sister is thinking. Are you sure you wouldn't want to date her? I would appreciate that." Merlin grimaced at him. 

"No offence, but I'd rather not. I can tell you what she thinks even if we are not dating, I promise." Elyan laughed at that and Merlin relaxed again.

"Alright, alright, Thanks man. You put my mind at ease, but I might have to ask you about the nail-polish thing again later." Merlin grimaced again.

"Just don't tell anyone about that. I have enough trouble without adding a rumor about me being an expert on nail-polish." Elyan seemed to understand and he patted Merlin’s shoulder laughing happily. 

"Alright. I’ll see you another time. I gotta run before old Geoffrey has my head." And he was off.

Merlin was satisfied with what he had learned and he tried to think a way to tell Gwen as much as possible without giving Elyans surprise away. It wasn’t until halfway to his class that Merlin realized that he hadn't thought of anything when Elyan had patted his shoulder even if he was a man. That made Merlin happy for many days. He could be just friends with a guy without having strange feelings! That meant a world to Merlin.

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Arthur had seen quite a change in Merlin. He was clearly more animated in school, like last year, but the contrast against the summer was much greater. Merlin didn't seem as bored or as angry as he had been. Arthur had seen him laugh and smile and just enjoy himself all while being his witty self. 

It felt so good to see him like that, but Arthur still wished Merlin would be more like this at home too. Maybe it was too much to ask. Arthur wished that he could be the source of that carefree and happy feeling Merlin seemed to have at school. Maybe he was in a way. He did go to same school after all. He wasn't that much a fan of the school not count the football and seeing his friends. Still Arthur kind of understood that Merlin enjoyed school. He was good with it after all and he could just be with his friends and not worry about family. Arthur was not sure if Merlin included him in his family or friends.

Arthur had also kept an eye on Merlin. He was now very aware that Merlin mostly talked with Gwen and Elyan and for some strange reason, Vivian.  It wasn't that surprising that Merlin didn't like most of their class mates because of the teasing they subjected him to. At first Arthur had thought it was harmless, but after few too many comments on Merlin’s changing in bathroom habit, Arthur had felt his temper boil. What did it matter if Merlin didn't like to change in a middle of a big room full of loud idiots? And how was it any of their business anyway?

He had managed to get into a fight with two boys from their class over the topic. He knew he wouldn't have backed off on his opinion or defending Merlin so luckily the bullies broke it off with a “Alright! Sheesh man! Keep your girl. It's not like we care.” 

Arthur could have commented on how Merlin was his step-brother and not a girl, but he didn't want to. So he just rolled his eyes. He was kind of aware hat this could start a new rumor and _that_ could get Merlin and him under a microscope. But he told himself that even if there would be a misunderstanding, it would be very easily corrected if Arthur just kept his cool now. His worry soon turned out to be for nothing, Arthur was popular, even more now that he had stopped being an ass himself.  Everyone left it at that and comments in the halls about Merlin mostly stopped. In PE, they ceased altogether. Arthur didn’t mention his defense of Merlin to him. He wasn't sure if he would appreciate it.

Even if Merlin was looking happier, he was still far from predictable. He wasn't exactly angry anymore; more like unnervingly calm. At least on the surface. One of the days Merlin had been in his bad mood, Arthur had found himself standing next to their stairs looking after Merlin who had gotten fed up of social contact for the day. That was nothing unusual, but this time Hunith was standing there with Arthur looking exactly like he felt. "He used to be so calm you know? I knew that this phase would come at some point but I guess I'm still not used to seeing him so…" Hunith trailed off, but Arthur knew what she meant. He didn't say anything, but he felt that Hunith understood anyway.

If there was something good about the endless projects and group works their teachers seemed to think they needed in order to success in life, it was that Arthur managed to pair with Merlin for most of them. Even for those they had to do alone, Arthur often asked if Merlin wanted to do them together. Merlin usually said yes, even if after few times Arthur learned that Merlin had already finished his work before Arthur had even started. He had no idea when Merlin managed to do that. Was it those few hours Arthur was in practices? Was the football really taking this much time from his school work? With Merlin’s help, Arthur was getting results. He didn't dare question why Merlin was helping him. He was helping and Arthur had a reason to spend more time with him.

After school started and after what Gwen and Merlin had told him, Arthur had noticed some girls who blushed when he looked at their direction. Some asked him if he wanted to pair with them on a project. He was quite sure that when one girl from year above had asked him if he wanted to go to visit her sister’s cafe, she had meant it as a date. The girl had been the daughter of one of Uther’s business associations so he couldn't be sure, but he knew that if he had told his father, he would have told Arthur to go and cultivate “good relations.” Arthur understood where his father was coming from. The girl was popular and pretty. Maybe he should try dating? If not for other reasons, then at least just so he could find out if he really had a serious crush on Merlin. But the thought troubled him to the point that when one morning Merlin had asked why he looked like he had swallowed a lemon, Arthur had  actually blurted out that he wasn't sure if he should date this girl or not.

"Oh, that's not really something I should tell you." Merlin seemed to understand and his tone was calm even if Arthur could hear Merlin  _ did _ have an opinion on the matter. Still Arthur knew that Merlin was right. He should make these decisions himself. Still, he had no idea of what to do and he wanted Merlin’s opinion.

"I'm asking you Merlin." It might have come out a bit irritated, but Arthur was a bit on the edge. He needed an honest answer and he was highly uncomfortable on the subject. He hoped that Merlin wouldn't laugh at him this time.

"You really want to know what I think?" Merlin asked.  Arthur has been afraid Merlin would mock him, but the look in Merlin’s eyes told him he wouldn’t. Arthur felt comfortable now so he nodded. "I think you are mad, I think you are all mad, people should date those who they love, not those they find convenient. Whatever your father says, remember that even if he wants you to succeed in life, you have the choice of how you do it." Arthur could only listen Merlin’s answer his mouth hanging slightly open. Merlin looked him straight in the eye looking more serious than Arthur had ever seen him before. He had no words to answer anything and as he parked his car, Merlin averted his eyes. They hadn't talked more on the subject and Merlin never asked Arthur what his choice had been, but Arthur felt that it wasn't necessary. He had gotten his answer. He never mentioned anything to his father.

What he did, was politely refused the invitation stating that he had too much work to do. Still he had given serious thought to every girl who approached him after that. If he could find himself interested in any of them, going out on a date might not be such a bad idea. After all, then he could make some order on his thoughts and feelings even if they might just confirm that he indeed had a crush on Merlin.

But in the end Arthur’s didn't find himself interested in any of them and Merlin’s words kept ringing in his ears making it impossible to even think going on a date with some random girl. The only one he found himself interested in was Merlin. It had made him feel devastated at first, (mainly because he couldn't ask Merlin out) but now he had come to terms with his feelings. He still didn't know if his crush made him gay or not because he really only wanted to spent time with Merlin and be close to him and maybe cuddle a bit. He kind of knew that if Merlin  would ask him to kiss him, Arthur would do just that, but it wasn't one of his priorities.

The idea of sex and the messy looking snogging he had seen glimpses of in the school (there was a corner in the football field that apparently was a popular snogging place) held very little interest for him. The fact that the general population seemed to expect things like that was constantly in his mind j ust because he was a teenage boy , made Arthur uncomfortable. He dreaded the day when someone would expect him to take that kind of action. Now that he thought about it, maybe going to a date would have been a terrible idea.

With Merlin, he felt at home for many reasons. One of them was that Merlin never seemed to expect anything from him for his own convenience. It was not just that Merlin didn't demand him to be something that he was not, like his father did all the time, but that he never just assumed how Arthur felt or thought. So maybe it was not that surprising that Arthur wanted to spend a lot of time with Merlin. It wasn't always easy because Merlin didn't want to do just anything. He wouldn't come with Arthur if he wasn't in the mood for football or to see his friends. But if Arthur asked, Merlin would always come to Arthur’s room to study.

While Arthur was sure that if it was not for Merlin, he would never have studied even half this much without having to bash his brains out just in order of not to die in boredom, but when he got home from his football practises tired and just wanting to lie down and watch a movie, it still only took about half an hour for him to get anxious and then he would get up and go to knock on Merlin’s door.

He was happy that Merlin had let some of his guard down when they were studying and Arthur had slowly moved from sitting one meter apart from Merlin to sitting less than half a meter apart from him. Merlin didn't seem to notice the change and it made studying a bit easier when they could actually look at the same book at the same time. It seemed that Merlin was getting used to Arthur. Finally. One day Merlin had even leaned at Arthur when he had been laughing. Arthur had felt a rush of electricity on his skin. He wished Merlin would do that much more often. After the moment was gone Arthur had caught Merlin looking at his hand in disbelieve. Maybe he was as surprised by the gesture as Arthur had been.

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Merlin had grown during the summer so he and Hunith had gone shopping for new clothes after the school had started. Merlin had bought only clothes with unusual colours. He now had not just purple and green and red shirts, but also brown and green and red pants as well. And he never matched them together. According to Merlin’s sense of style, the more colours he could wear at the same time, the better.

"Green trousers, purple shirt and brown jumper (the same old one, Merlin almost never left it at home) and you wonder why you are teased at school?" Arthur had to comment one morning when they were driving to school. Merlin looked down on himself and then back to Arthur. "Well, I happen to like colours." He replied like it was no big deal, but in reality he was bothered that Arthur didn't like his style. It should have been a trivial thing, his clothes were the last thing on a very long list of reasons why Arthur would never like Merlin the way Merlin felt about him and they didn't even make to the list of Merlin’s other problems in life, but still… right now it felt troubling.

Arthur was quiet for a while before mumbling. "I guess it suits you… It's actually cool that you are yourself whatever people say around you…" Merlin blinked once not really sure he had really heard what he thought he had heard. 'Cool' wasn't something he would have associated with himself, but the way Arthur said it didn't seem forced or sarcastic. Merlin blushed and he had to turn to face the side window. "Thanks…" he said quietly. He was happy. It felt awesome to hear Arthur tell him that. Merlin memorised every single word and stored the warm feeling inside his heart. He would think of them every time someone commented how weird he looked and every morning when he chose his clothes for the day.

After feeling like he was on a cloud for the first hour or so, Merlin thought that it was quite annoying how much Arthur could affect his moods, but as long as Arthur said nice things like that, Merlin would be happy and take everything he got. It was just that it came with a risk. Merlin knew that if Arthur would say something negative about him or for example if someday he would share his father’s opinion of gays, Merlin knew he wouldn't be able to take it. He would grumble from the inside. If not immediately, then gradually until there was only dust left. It wasn't a nice thought. For a while Merlin wondered if he should ask Arthur what he thought about gays, but the answer frightened him too much and it felt too risky anyway, so Merlin said nothing.

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It was yet another group project that let Arthur an opportunity to get him and Merlin to sleep over at Gwen’s. They had managed to form a group of three and they were really excited to work together. Vivian was grumpy because she had also wanted to work with Merlin (it was an english literature project and for once Vivian was capable of doing a good job). Merlin had of course completed his part of the task on one long night he had waited for Uther to make appearance while trying not to dwell on that Uther _could_ make his appearance and definitely not think of Arthur while waiting. So, they would probably get the work done quite smoothly and that would leave them time to do something fun. Gwen had told them that her father had promised they could have the house for themselves unlit about ten in the evening if they promised to go to sleep when he got home from work, he had an early shift the next morning. He had taken a liking of Merlin and Arthur too and he seemed to see their friendship as just what it was. Just friends, no danger attached for his daughter. While knowing what had happened to his wife, Merlin was grateful for his trust.

Arthur had worded his request to get to spend the night at Gwen’s from friday to saturday very carefully. They would come home for dinner and leave afterwards. They would need the night and most of the saturday to get the project started and they would be back for dinner again on saturday. Arthur had been making a point of how good team the three of them made and finally Uther had agreed and sounded even pleased that Arthur thought he had a group they could get the job done well. But he also made quite clear that he expected results. That didn't bother Arthur. He hadn't lied when he had told his father that he had the best group he could hope from their class. Merlin being ahead of everyone in any given subject was more of a rule than an exception and Gwen was smart and hard working and she had eye on detail. Arthur felt that he was actually the weakest link of the group.

The friday came and Arthur woke up excited and eager to get the school day done so he could go to Gwen’s with Merlin. They would start the project and then they could have fun and in the end Arthur could sleep next to Merlin. That just felt very, very nice. If Arthur had some luck, maybe he would hear something more he didn't know about Merlin. Maybe there would be even a chance to hear more about which kind of girls Merlin preferred. In a way Arthur didn't want to know and he was usually glad that Merlin didn't go on and on about girls like most of their class mates, but with the level of distress of anyone touching him, Arthur had started to suspect that maybe Merlin was something like himself? Maybe he either just wasn't interested or that he even hated physical contact if he wasn't absolutely sure that the person didn't have any ulterior motives. That would explain why he could still hug Gwen, she had a crush on someone else after all. Arthur had wanted to talk about that many times now, but he felt it too awkward to start that kind of conversation himself.

After Arthur had told good day to his father and Hunith, Merlin hadn't still shown his face. This wasn't that unusual even if Merlin knew that his mother didn't like that not to even mention Arthur’s father. 

Arthur made his way upstairs. He would check on Merlin so they wouldn't be late. Merlin clearly wasn't a morning person and he rarely even ate breakfast stating that he didn't feel like eating so soon after waking up. Arthur usually forced him awake after their parents were gone just to get him to eat even a little bit. Arthur had again noticed that Merlin seemed thinner. Though it was hard to tell because Merlin wore so many layers, so it could be just that Merlin had lost one of his underneath shirts…

When Arthur knocked the door and stepped in immediately after that, like usual. Merlin, however, wasn't like he usually was, collecting his stuff or changing in his closet, he was sitting on his couch, staring into nothingness. He didn't even look at Arthur’s direction. 

"Merlin, time to go. What are you doing?" Merlin didn't answer, but he stood up. He was still in his pyjama and Arthur frowned. Would he be ready in time? "You know that we don't have that much time right?" He had to ask and Merlin looked at him blankly. "I know. Go away. I'll change."

This wasn't usual either. Merlin rarely told him to 'go away' even when he complained about Arthur barking into his room. "Are you alright?" Arthur had to ask. Merlin didn't seem alright and worry started to creep on Arthur. Merlin had dark circles under his eyes and when he walked towards his closet, he seemed to sway. Like he wasn't entirely in balance and he could trip to his own feet at any given moment. He was also pale. 

"I have a headache." Merlin just said, still not looking at Arthur before closing the closet door behind him. That wasn't good. Arthur felt uneasy, Merlin being sick somehow made him a bit sick too. He wanted to help, so he left Merlin to change and went to search some painkillers. That should help, right? He also took one of his water bottles and filled it with some juice. Even if Merlin would be late, he could take the medicine in the car.

The ride to school was a silent one. Merlin reluctantly agreed to take the painkillers and he seemed to get a bit better with it, but not by much. The whole day he looked like he wasn't really there and by the time Arthur got home, Merlin had collapsed to the living room couch and Hunith was besides him asking what was wrong. Merlin normally never stayed in the living room and Arthur had to wonder if Merlin had been too tired to get upstair so he had just collapsed on the first surface he had seen? That couldn't be good.

"Merlin? You still have a headache?" Was the first thing he said and Hunith turned to look at Arthur a bit confused. "He told me he had a stomach ache…" She said and Arthur tried to explain himself automatically even if he was confused himself "At the morning he had a headache. He took some painkiller for it…" 

Understanding dawned to Hunith’s face. "Oh, I see… Did he eat anything before taking it? Arthur shook his head "No, he drank it with some juice thought." He wasn't sure what this had to do with anything, but he didn't see anything wrong with telling the truth either. "What kind of painkiller was it?" Hunith asked and Arthur had to confess that he didn't remember.

He went to get the baggage and when he returned with a box of aspirin, Hunith looked at the baggage her brow furrowing slightly. "Aspirin can irritate stomach… How many did he take?" Arthur hadn't known that and he felt bad that he might be the cause of Merlin’s distress. "Two… I didn't know…." Hunith nodded again and turned to her son "Merlin? Should you stay home after all? You don't seem too good." 

Arthur felt disappointed and a bang of guilt. Disappointed because he had been waiting for this sleepover more for the reason that it would be with Merlin than anything else and guild because Merlin clearly didn't look good and here he was, thinking only himself. "We really need to start the project…" He still tried a bit hesitantly feeling guilty, but hoping that Merlin would take the chance to tell his mother that he would be fine. He could rest at Gwen’s too… Arthur knew that Gwen wouldn't mind.

"Sorry Arthur, I feel a bit sick… I think it's best if I just rest at home… You can take my notes with you." Merlin said and he did sound sick. And tired, but also a bit guilty. "Gwen will be disappointed…" Arthur still tried even if he knew that he would feel bad if Merlin would come rather for Gwen than for him. Merlin turned his head and looked at him with tired expression. He slowly shook his head. "I wouldn't be any use to you like this. I have already done my part, I'll give it to you before you go." Hunith agreed to everything Merlin said and Arthur knew there was nothing he could do. He didn't want to go like this. He wanted to stay with Merlin. He wouldn't have any fun without Merlin anyway and he would just worry if he left Merlin here.

"Then I'll stay here with you." He said with a tone that suggested no argument would be needed. He wouldn't change his mind anyway. This however seemed to get some life back to Merlin. "No! _No_ , it's alright, I'll just sleep anyway and you have a project to start." Hunith was worried too. Arthur knew that she had made plans for tonight and Uther would be working late like usual. "Arthur, you should go. I'll stay with Merlin. I'll just call that I can't come after all… Susan will just have to find someone else to help her, I'm sure she understands." 

"But you promised her already, right? I can stay, it's no problem, it's better if we can work all three together anyway so…" Hunith and Arthur continued to argue politely for a while who would stay with Merlin until Merlin had enough.

"I can stay here alone! It's just a bit of a headache, I'm fifteen! I just need some rest and I know full well how to sleep without any help." Hunith looked at Merlin a bit hesitantly. "Merlin dear, it's just that you are never sick like this…" She said making Arthur a notch more worried. "It's nothing serious. And I can call you if it get's worse. I'll just sleep and I can get something to eat before you go." He reasoned sounding annoyed but not letting his temper get the better of him. Hunith seemed to notice this too and he reluctantly gave up. Maybe because she didn't want to fight with sick Merlin? Arthur would have wanted to tell Merlin that tough luck, he wasn't going anywhere, but it felt too suspicious and Arthur had to bite his lip not to show how torn he felt not to be able to stay by Merlin’s side.

In the end they all ate dinner in silence, Arthur’s father came home just before dinner and he would leave with Hunith soon after and give her a lift to her school friend’s home before going to his office again. He also found it reasonable that Merlin would stay home rather than go anywhere and he seemed to think that Merlin would be alright here alone. That didn't surprise Arthur at all. His father had never stayed with him or Morgana either when they had been sick. Even when they had been a lot younger than Merlin was. Merlin ate some soup for dinner and soon he excused himself and Arthur heard his door close soon after.

After Hunith had gone to Merlin’s room to make him promise that he would call if he needed anything at all and getting him some water and painkillers (paracetamol this time) to his arm's reach, their parents left. Arthur had already called Gwen who was disappointed, but not surprised. "Merlin looked awful the whole day…" she had told Arthur who had to agree that she was right. He regretted that he had pressed Merlin and pressured him to come with him. He would have just suffered that way.

Before leaving, Arthur wanted to make sure that Merlin was alright. He knocked softly on Merlin’s door and stepped in without waiting for replay like he always did. He was surprised to see Merlin next to his couch, changing to his pyjama. He had just been taking his shirt off, but he pulled it back down as soon as he saw Arthur. He had no pants anymore and he looked troubled. Arthur blushed a little, he hadn't seen Merlin change for… he had no idea for how long. He felt his eyes wander, he hadn't done that before… He kind of knew that he should stop, but before he could, his eyes found something he was positive he hadn't seen before and that caught his attention. There was a scar on Merlin’s tight just under where his boxers ended.

"Where did you get that?" He asked before he could think. Merlin was pulling his pyjama pants on as fast as he could and he looked at Arthur with expression Arthur found hard to read. "What do you mean?" It sounded to Arthur more like Merlin tried to avoid answering than he didn't know what Arthur had meant, but he didn't call him for that. "That scar. I didn't remember you had one…" Merlin looked uneasy and he didn't look at Arthur when he mumbled. "It's just an old thing… Stupid really."

Arthur wasn't convinced. He still was quite sure that he hadn't seen that scar on Merlin before. Of course he could be wrong, he hadn't looked at anyone very carefully and when he had started to pay attention to Merlin like that, he had been changing in bathrooms and closets for a long time already. But that aside, the scar didn't look old at all… It had been pink and kind of fresh looking. Arthur had seen quite a few scars, he himself had some he had gotten playing and he remembered how one scar he had gotten as a child had turned white with time. "What happened?" He asked wanting to know more. Merlin frowned. "I ran into a barred wire fence once when I was seven." Arthur shuddered. That sounded painful. He had again forgotten how Merlin had used to live in countryside.

"I thought you came for the notes…" Merlin said changing the subject and not looking at Arthur's face. He had now changed and he walked to his desk. He didn't sway anymore when he walked, but he didn't look good either. Arthur felt stupid for concentrating on Merlin's scar he had apparently missed totally in the past while Merlin was sick and should be in bed.

It didn't take long for Merlin to fish some papers from his desk and hand them to Arthur. He looked at the notes and he saw neat summary of characters and plot of the book and some side notes written with Merlin's small handwriting. It was six pages and Arthur was quite sure it would cover at least half of the whole work. It was really a wonder when Merlin managed to do this all…

"I… wow, well, I'm sure we can get a lot done with these. Do you need anything?" He was at loss of words. Merlin looked at him tiredly, but a bit … pleased? "No. Just go already. Have fun. I'll come next time so…" Arthur nodded. He really didn't want to go… Maybe if he had told Gwen that he would stay with Merlin and just not say anything to Hunith or his father? And then he could have just stayed and what ever, read, on Merlin's couch while he slept and get him anything he needed when he was awake? And then somehow hide from their parents until tomorrow and pretend that he had been at Gwen’s? Arthur sighed. That really wasn't an option or even possible.

He ruffled Merlin’s hair a bit. "I'll go now, sleep well." He said before leaving the room and closing the door. Arthur had no will to go, but he still made himself move to his car. He knew he could have fun with just Gwen, but… 'pointless, without Merlin it's pointless.' Arthur thought while driving. This must be one of the downsides of having a crush, while everything felt better and more bright and he felt more motivated when Merlin was around, everything felt equally dull when Merlin wasn't around and Arthur's thoughts seemed to stay with him even if he had other friends who he wanted to see. 

'Maybe it would be easier if I could at least talk to someone about Merlin…' But he knew that wasn't an option either. He would have to be careful with Gwen around, he didn't want Merlin to know about this and Gwen was way sharper than Arthur with these kind of things.

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Merlin’s night had been awful. Uther had come to 'make sure that Merlin remembered to work hard and behave'. It wasn't that Merlin hadn't waited that to happen, but for start, Uther had been late. Merlin had waited and waited not daring to go to sleep and eventually Uther had come. In a way he hadn't even done anything Merlin hadn't expected. He had made Merlin strip himself and he had made Merlin open Uther’s pants and take his thing into his mouth while Uther himself sat on the chair in front of Merlin’s desk. Maybe it was the way Merlin had to do everything himself. He guessed that it was because of the time he had told Uther he didn't want this. This was Uther’s way of showing him that what ever Merlin had said, he would do it anyway. That Uther didn't believe or care how Merlin felt.

After Uther was gone, Merlin had thrown up and he had lied a long time under his shower thinking of why he had done what he had done. He feared Uther, but why? Yes, he had the pictures that could destroy Merlin’s life and yes he hurt Merlin, but when would it stop mattering? He would get hurt either way and right now, Merlin felt so tired that he wasn't sure of how long he could keep his secret himself.

Sure he knew that if the truth got out, his life would turn to a much more miserable and possibly more painful one. He would lose all the people he held dear for sure. What if for example his mother found out? Would she tell Merlin that he deserved this and stand by Uther while he made Merlin do this over and over again? Or would she hate Merlin for betraying her with her husband? Or would she be angry at him for destroying her marriage? It was an endless swamp of questions and in the end Merlin couldn't make himself sleep. He stayed awake and tried to distract himself with reading and studying. He had already written character summary for the book review, but now he took the book out once more and made a summary of the plot too. Chapter by chapter and when he was ready, the sun had already gone up.

Merlin found himself unable to go downstairs. He was wide awake even if he had stayed up for the whole night. His throat felt dry and he was quite hungry, but eating just didn't feel like something he would be able to do anytime soon. He looked at the work he had done. He was a bit pleased with it actually. Most of the stuff he had written they could use and the rest of the information they would need was now stored in Merlin's memory. He had read the book now twice after all.

Merlin made his way to his couch. He wasn't exactly sure why, it just made him tired and he really wanted just to lay down and sleep until he couldn't anymore. But he knew he couldn't right now. Arthur would come and wake him up soon if he didn't move himself.

In the end he didn't move. Only when Arthur asked if he was alright, did Merlin remember that he was supposed to act like normal. He faked a headache hoping Arthur would leave it at that. He took too much time to change and only left when Arthur called him again. His limbs were cold and his fingers barely moved. He had been sitting in front of his desk with wet hair and only a pyjama to protect him from chilly night air.

To his surprise Arthur had some medicine for him and juice. Merlin didn't really want to take the painkillers because his empty stomach was lurching at the thought of taking in anything, but the juice actually made him feel a bit better. He had been so hungry, but in the state of his self pity, he wanted to feel a bit bad, so the juice was the only thing he took. He didn't eat lunch and he didn't want to see anyone. Gwen followed him everywhere the whole day and Merlin hated it. He hoped that Lance would pop from some corner and take Gwen out of his hands, but no such luck. The only thing that made him a bit happy was that he managed not to snap at Gwen.

After spending a whole day trying to be alone and acting normal while doing it, Merlin really didn't have any energy left. When Uther had not just made him to open his own pants himself in the car, but also open Uther’s pants and cares him while they drove home, Merlin was spend. Uther had to go to some work thing and Merlin could barely walk to the living room couch before collapsing on it. He slept, for a while, but not well and he was awakened by his mother too soon. His stomach hurt and he felt like vomiting so that was what he told to his mother. Of course Arthur had to come in and tell Hunith about Merlin’s lie earlier. This really was not what he needed right now.

After Arthur was gone, Merlin felt a bit guilty for lying to him straight to his face. He had no way he could explain the scar he had, so he had told the story of what had happened to Will. They had been playing on the edge of a forest and they had gone too close to a farm nearby and Will had tripped… It hadn't been pretty and Merlin remembered vividly running to get help while Will didn't dare to move because he was practically lying over the fence and if he had moved, his hands and face would have gotten cut too. A neighbour had lifted Will up and he had gotten six stitches to his tight. Something that he had been stupidly proud of for a long time. Merlin could just hope that Arthur didn't know what a scar made by barred wire looked like and that he wouldn't check his story from Merlin’s mother. Why did he have to come to Merlin’s room right then? Merlin as sure as hell wouldn't change outside of his closet ever again.

After having been left alone, Merlin started to feel better. Well, better was an underestimating, he loved to be alone! Oh, it felt like a party. He could go anywhere in the house and nobody would be there to make him uncomfortable. He strolled around the house for a while and he even got some cookies from their kitchen to eat and after those, his stomach didn't hurt anymore. It was funny how the house he had come to hate didn't feel so bad now that there was no-one in it. It was actually a quite alright house and Merlin found himself touching random details like the end of the railing that let upstairs or small decorations in the frame of their back door.

In the end Merlin found himself from Arthur’s room. He felt like he was trespassing and a little guilty being there, but it was just… like an opportunity he couldn't pass. The room smelled like Arthur and that alone made Merlin feel relaxed.

Merlin took some time to just walk around in Arthur’s room. He liked it and every nook of the room felt like Arthur. He would have just wanted to touch everything. In the same way that he liked to hug the pillow Arthur had touched (even if he had lost count of which pillow it had actually been a long time ago). This was just much more intense. Finally Merlin sat on Arthur’s couch and took one of it's pillows to his lap and read a book. He would have been perfectly happy with himself if he hadn't heard a door open and close downstairs.

Merlin panicked. He dropped the book he had been reading and he stormed to his own room as fast as possible. He dove under his blanket, in his bed, and hoped that it wasn't Uther and that even if it most probably was, he wouldn't come into his room. Being on his bed made Merlin feel horrible. He was so tense that he shook and when he heard the door of his room open, he was sure that he would faint. But he didn't. He closed his eyes and tried to stay as still as possible. He heard the steps coming closer and stop just in front of the bed. 'In, out, one, two…' Merlin made himself breath steadily. He knew he couldn't hold this for long and when he heard footsteps getting away from him, Merlin almost cried in relieve. Almost. He couldn't do that right now.

After that Merlin didn't dare to move. The door was now closed, so Merlin had no way of knowing if Uther had gone or if he was standing right next to Merlin's door. Or if that had even been Uther at that matter. Merlin just felt safer assuming the worst.

After lying very very still in his bed for about an hour, Merlin started to drift in the border of sleep and awake. He only rose up when his mother stroked Merlin's cheek softly to wake him up. At first Merlin felt it too intimate, but eventually he just accepted that he had missed his mother's touch. He didn't have fever, but he told his mother that he still felt faint. If he had luck, he could stay in bed for at least tomorrow… Merlin hoped that now that he had been home and 'sick', Uther wouldn't need to 'remind' him of anything afterwards.

Hunith had made some broth for Merlin to eat from a mug and she confessed that she had gotten a lift from Susan to a supermarket and back home. She herself had children and she understood perfectly well that Hunith had wanted to get back home to take care of her son herself. The knowledge that it had been his mother coming back home that he had heard left Merlin relaxed and he sincerely thanked his mother. He really did love her very much. He wished he could show it better and more often.

Merlin waited for the night to come before he moved his blanket and pillow to his couch. He could finally feel comfortable even if not as much as he had been able to when he had been alone. Arthur's and Merlin's rooms were connected by a door in their closets and Merlin imagined that he had courage to go to sleep in Arthur's room. He could slip back in early hours and he wouldn't need to go to the corridor. Merlin imagined he did just that and he fell asleep picturing himself on Arthur's couch. When he woke up in the morning, he felt disappointed to find himself from his own room.

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Arthur came home much earlier than he was supposed to. Merlin had been faking of being ill the whole morning and he was currently lying on his couch, reading a book and feeling like he could get used to this when Arthur knocked his door and let himself in, like always. Merlin automatically turned to his side and hid the book under his blanket.

"Hey, how are you feeling? Would you come and have some lunch with us?" Arthur clearly had instructions from Merlin's mother so Merlin frowned at his pillow not looking at him.

"No. I'll have some more of the broth mother made me yesterday." Arthur sat on the edge of Merlin's couch. Merlin was very glad that he was facing the other direction for his eyes widened and he felt his cheeks go red. He felt Arthur against his bent knees through his blanket.

"You need anything else? I can bring it to you." He asked.

Merlin just wanted Arthur to get closer to him and stroke his hair and hug him until he fell asleep, but there was no chance of that.

"Could you get me a glass of water?" he asked hoping that Arthur hadn't been just teasing him. He found it hard to tell people’s moods if he couldn't see their faces.

Arthur bought him a glass of water feeling that he could do much more than that. There was not much that he could do if Merlin didn't ask. "You can come and get me if you need anything." Arthur told Merlin mostly because he wanted to keep talking to him. Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur and he smiled a little.

"You know that I have a mother for that, right?" Arthur had to blush and he would have felt panic if Merlin's tone wasn't so light. And seeing Merlin smile cured most of Arthur's uneasiness.

Somehow Arthur managed to move the topic to what they had done with Gwen. "Elyan was also at home so I had to try and manage with the two of them. I was saved by your notes.  They kept Gwen occupied and Elyan out of the room. You know how much he hates English." Merlin had   good time listening to Arthur. When he left for the lunch, Merlin felt better, much better. In an illogical way, Merlin felt a bit jealous that he hadn't been there, but even now, he had no energy. Even imagining of going to Gwen’s was too much. He felt too tired and depressed for that. And Uther… Merlin just wished so much that he would let him be tonight.

Uther didn't come that night nor the next and Merlin felt he had made the right decision. But as soon as Monday, Gwen and Arthur started to plan another sleepover to finish the project and Merlin knew he couldn't pull a new fake sickness. "Your notes were awesome! We didn't even need the book for the whole night and now we just have the summary and our own opinions to write. I found some good pictures yesterday and I have it all on my laptop." Gwen told Merlin the first chance she got. Elyan had managed to give the laptop to Gwen alongside with a pretty case for it. Gwen had been over the moon and she  Hadn’t cared at all that it was nearly three months late.

After that Merlin had been able to tell Gwen how Elyan had worked through summer for the present. Gwen hadn't said that to Elyan, but she appreciated the effort. Elyan had commented to Merlin how every hour of washing dishes had been worth it if a laptop had made his sister so nice and forgiving. Merlin hadn’t corrected him that Gwen actually felt loved by her brother and that put her mind at ease.

The autumn had rolled on while Merlin hadn't paid any attention. It was getting chilly outside and the only tree in their garden had dropped its leaves. Not eating was once again suiting Merlin better than eating. Merlin's sense of hunger was more and more irregular. At times he woke up in the early hours because he was so hungry, but after being found by Uther once trying to get something from the fridge, Merlin hadn't dared to try it again. Uther hadn't been pleased with him to say the least and had dragged Merlin back to his room. The next day Merlin had had trouble sitting and he had needed to concentrate on walking so he wouldn't limp. 

His 'respect for mealtimes' had only gone down the drain after that. Once nobody had been at home, Merlin had snug some cookies and jam into his room. The combination of chocolate and strawberry jam was not the most sophisticated, but the sense of rebellion and possibly the much needed calories and sugar made it taste awesome at four o'clock in the morning.

Even if he couldn't go to fridge when he was hungry or when he had thrown up, food was still one of the rare things Merlin actually felt he had control of. He often found himself lying about what, when and how much he had eaten. It was addictive in a way. He knew that the more he lied, the more he risked himself getting caught, but some days he just couldn't make himself eat when it was the time. Sometimes he needed snacks, preferably chocolate just to get through the day. He had borrowed some cash from Arthur and almost emptied one vending machine of candy bars during a week.

The weekend came too quickly for Merlin. He and Arthur were supposed to go to Gwen's home to finish the project. Uther had just asked for blow jobs, apart from the fridge episode, and Merlin was sure that he wouldn't get away with that when Thursday night got nearer. Because of that, he was cranky the whole day. After dinner, his mother had told them she would again have a night shift internship in the spring.  That made him a bundle of nerves. He knew he hadn't managed to sound even a bit happy for his enthusiastic mother. She was so looking forward to seeing what the emergency room was like. He’d hear about that too when the night came.

Arthur had come to check on him to see if he was sick again. Merlin felt a strong need to hug him and ask for help. If he could just cling himself to Arthur’s side, maybe Uther wouldn't hurt him.

"You know what I think of this book, so  you'll have notes right?" Arthur was currently sitting on Merlin’s couch looking carefree and happy. Merlin felt like Arthur was a magnet and he had to stay out of its range or he wouldn't be able to control himself anymore. If he went too close, he would surely break down. The feeling of fear surrounded him from every direction and he desperately needed someone to distract him from it if even for a moment. 

"Right… So because you were not arsed to read the book, you actually think that I can dig an opinion from your brain. Impossible, I can't make something out of nothing." He replied hoping that Arthur would at least rise to the bait. Being sarcastic was his defensive mechanism and it eased the tension he constantly felt.

"For your information, I have read the book. It was just as impossible to understand as you." Arthur shot back and made a face. Merlin had really wanted to argue and to bicker or even fight with Arthur, but he couldn't help but laugh. It was just so Arthur and so… stupid. Like in Merlin’s life it would be an insult to be impossible to understand. Arthur clearly didn't see what was so funny. They ended up bickering lightly, but Merlin was smiling for the whole time.

When Arthur left to sleep, Merlin felt surprisingly good. However, the night was closing onto him.  Merlin knew what was waiting for him in the night. He wished that this night would already be over and that the next one would never come.

Uther came quite early this time and he wasn't even that rough. Was it the school work Arthur had been telling was going great or maybe his 'sickness' had somehow made Uther understand that Merlin wasn't desperate to see Gwen? Merlin had tried to guess Uther’s motives so many times. None of this made sense to him. Uther had licked behind his earlobe and twisted Merlin’s nipples until it hurt. After final words to Merlin of how he was expected to keep all his dirtiness inside of him while he was out of the house, Uther bit his earlobe. Merlin felt an urge to pull his head away from Uther even if he risked losing part of his ear. He just held on, pressing his lips together to form a thin line. Merlin’s nipples were red and tender to touch even after he had slept alright. His ear didn't look odd, but he felt like there was a neon sign stating what had been whispered to it.

Gwen was happy to see Merlin and Merlin managed to act cheerful. He didn't even feel that tired. He could breathe more freely in her house that felt more welcoming and homey than his own 'home'. Merlin hadn't done any notes this time, but he remembered almost everything they needed and the work was done quite quickly. Gwen had beamed when she had the first ever home assignment on a memory stick that she had done with her computer. They would print it at school on Monday and hand it to the teacher a whole week before the deadline.

The only thing stressing Merlin was of course Arthur. Again, he was too close. It wasn’t anything that Merlin hadn’t gotten used to at home, but he felt like Gwen’s gaze was reading his every thought. He feared Gwen would figure out how much Arthur sitting next to him affected him. To his relief Elyan had bought some new games and when he asked Arthur to come and try them, he had looked excited and stood up to leave the room without a pause. 

"Merlin, would you like to try too?" Elyan had asked Merlin, probably to be polite. Console games were another thing that all boys seemed to be crazy about and Merlin just wasn't.

"No thank you. If I want to drive an imaginary car at dangerous speed, I'll let you know." He said unimpressed. Arthur looked a bit disappointed. Maybe he had wanted to see Merlin lose miserably. Probably.

Gwen on the other hand was happy to get Merlin all to herself. They had nice, quiet and carefree time with nothing to do. They talked and talked. Merlin felt calmer than he had in ages. Maybe it would be worth Uther taking him before and after if he could spend more time like this. He would take Merlin anyway. It didn’t matter if it was rough or not. At least Merlin would know what was coming and when.

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The night came too soon. He and Gwen stayed up far too late. Arthur was sleeping in Elyan’s room because Elyan had been too tired to come to the 'girls room' and Arthur hadn't been able to make any excuse that would allow him to sleep next to Merlin without being rude to Elyan. While Merlin felt a bit disappointed, it was also relaxing to have just Gwen in the same room. She was at different level on her bed and Merlin on the floor so she wasn’t exactly next to him.

It was actually more comfortable to sleep on a mattress than on his couch. His limbs had room and the mattress didn't lean to one side or the other. The only thing wrong was that he didn't have an extra couch pillow to hug. When he complained about that to Gwen she found it amusing that Merlin liked to hug a pillow while sleeping. Giving him her extra pillow, she said "I don't use it anyway. It's mostly in the way."  Merlin snuggled to the pillow fondly. It was better hugging material than his couch pillow and it smelled nice; same scent Gwen always had.

"It smells nice, like you." He confessed. He was very honest when sleepy and relaxed.

"...Uh, ok..." Gwen sounded a bit weirded out, causing Merlin to chuckle and open his eyes again. He wasn't worried. Gwen knew that he wasn't trying to hit on her; she was just joking. 

"I thought this before. What kind of shampoo do you use?" he asked smiling even if Gwen couldn’t see him with lights turned off.

"Oh! I like this lavender scented one. I always buy it." Merlin made a sound that indicated that he had remembered something.

"So that's why. My mother used to grow lavender in her garden. It smells like home…" He explained sleepily.

He didn't see it for he had already closed his eyes again, but Gwen smiled brightly at him. She was so happy to hear this kind of personal information from her best friend. It was rare but every time he did so, Gwen felt that Merlin trusted her. There were times when Merlin obviously lied and didn't tell everything, but when he told Gwen stuff like this so naturally, Gwen could put those other times behind her.

"Good night Merlin." She said with a gentle tone. Merlin replied to her in kind his voice slightly muffled by Gwen’s pillow. Merlin fell asleep exhausted in a very different way that he usually was.


End file.
